KL's Diary

[kl77]

I think i might have finally found something which helps!
Diagnosed last week with PNI and advised of self help techniques. Thought that once I had faced it and had a diagnosis things would start to, slowly, improve. Things seemed to get much worse, I spent about 3 days following the diagnosis crying and telling myself constantly that my baby would be better off without me, as would probably most people - not suicidal thoughts but more if I was to run away people would be better off.
Doc advised I have me time, have a bath on a night instead of going to bed early. Still not managed it, most of the time I don't want to stay up because I feel like I am rubbish company and because I want to get to the next day as soon as possible because it might be a good day.
Haven't really told anyone yet which is hard because I've always been close to family and been able to go to them. Mum has only been working 2 days since before baby was born but now has to go back to 4 days. Found out yesterday, really anxious at being on my own so much.
To arrange appointment for doctors today so we'll see what they say.
P trying hard to support me but also says hings like 'I don't understand how women can want a baby so much and then get depressed when it's born' This coming from someone who didn't bond and did nothing with our baby for the first 8-10 weeks until I pretty much collapsed exhausted from watching baby all night because of reflux and choking problems.

[kl77]

Been to the doctors to be advised to try counselling which has a 4-5 week waiting list and if no improvement to be referred to a CPN and start anti-d's.
Day started not too bad, spent some time with my best friend who I have eventually told how I feel.
Hit a low point this afternoon which seems normal to me.
Baby got to about 7pm and then had a reflux episode and again I wanted to run away. The doctors and paedeatricians are not helping with this condition and I feel that it is a massive contributory factor to my PNI.
I've cried and cried, spend the time saying sorry over and over again to my baby for being so useless.
Desperately want to go to bed but forcing myself to stay up because shutting out the day can't be good and I never see P anymore.
Best friend has offered to babysit on Friday so that me and P can go out, I've not been out since baby was born. Trouble is can't risk it in case baby has reflux episode.
Baby has had a bad day feeding, screaming and being sick, this makes me constantly worried that he is ill or something will happen to him.
At 6 weeks when he had the choking epsiode he stopped breathing and I thought he had died in my arms and now I'm terrified. Sure I was a happy contented mum before all this happened.
Supposed to be seeing an old friend tomorrow and her daughter in law who has just had a baby but it fills me with dread! Don't want to be around people who can do motherhood where I'm failing. Going to try and get out of it even though I know I should make the effort. Think it will just make me feel even more guilty though, like I'm hopeless and bad for my baby who I love so much.

[kl77]

Been to the doctors about baby's increasing reflux, given some milk with a thickener to try.
Managed to get out of seeing old friend and her daughter in law and spent the time with best friend instead, think I feel safer because she knows a lot of how I'm feeling.
Hit a low point this afternoon/evening as usual although no tears so far!
P came home in a bit of bad mood, says I'm snappy all the time and then made sarcastic comments about bottles not being washed and nothing out for tea! Not helping me lift the feeling that I'm hopeless and incompetent in everything I do. Makes me feel that not only am I failing as a mum but I'm a failure as a wife too.
When I went to the doctors it must have been midwifes day for clinic. I found myself looking at pregnant people and feeling jealous, wishing that I was back there and could start it all again without this illness and wishing I could look after my baby like I did when he was inside me. Feel horrendous guilt that I'm missing so much and that when I get better I will never get back these days.

[monica]

Dear KL

I hope you dont' mind me replying to your thread. This illness is so diffiuclt but you will get there, please believe me. I got PNI after my second child and it was horrific for me.

You sound as if you've had a difficult time of it all and the feelings you describe are very common for PNI. I hope your baby's reflux gets better and allows you to get more rest.

I felt like such a failure for a long time. I think I was trying to compete with some fiends of mine who seem to have it all. I, too, wnated to desperately to have the perfect life, love looking after my kids, be the perfect homemaker and when everything came crashing down I could barely lift a finger let alone do all those 'normal' things that others seemed to manage withough any probs.

But I think that's the nature of this illness. It seems to strip you of everything - ability to perform simple tasks, self confidence, think rationally, with me I also felt so ill.

Comments liek those of your partner's don't help, but I think many just can't grasp what we're going through, as there is no physical evidence of being ill. My partner was so horrible to me. He says now that he just couldn't handle this wreck of a person. But you're not incompetent or a falure as a mother or a wife; you're just ill.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel adn you will recover. It 's good you have told your friend so at least you don't have to pretend.

All the best

Monica

[kl77]

Hi Monica
I don't mind anyone adding comments or support, probably what I need.
In my more 'lucid' moments I understand why I feel like I do so I suppose that's a good thing but when they come they hit me like a train!
Think me and P are going out tomorrow night for the first time in over 4 months which might help us talk things through and help me actually say what I need which he fails to realise isn't being told to go back to work.
I'm glad you seem to be feeling much better and I definately feel lucky because the illness could be worse and I cannot imagine how other sufferers feel.

Today has started off difficult, new milk has to be made in cool water so doesn't dissolve very well. Wouldn't come throuh teat so changed to faster flowing but the taste wasn't appreciated! Finally managed to take most of bottle following arching of back and screaming. That's me in tears feeling like I want to run away again and it was only 7 o clock. P left for work saying he doesn't know what's wrong with me and why have I got a face like thunder. Let's hope it gets better!

[sarajay28]

Hi kl,

Welcome to the site. I wanted to reply as my daughter (who's now 7) had reflux when she was born and also has a lactose intolerance. It is horrendous isn't it? but let me tell you, it does get better, you learn to cope with it and things do improve. My daughter is now 7 and we are still here to tell the tale! so that proves something.
Try and go out with your partner, have a good chat about how you are feeling, explain you have an illness and although there isn't much he can do to help all you need is some patience and understanding on his part. So many relationships come under strain because of this illness and it need'nt be like that. I'm lucky that my partner understands because we spoke about pni in great detail before our baby was born but this was mainly due to me having had it before. Tell your partner to have a look at this site so he can maybe get some kind of understanding of what your feeling? do you think he would?

Anyway please feel free to come on as much or as little as you want/need. We are all here for you.

Loadsa Love

Sarah.xxx

[sianyc]

my first had colic and reflux and we had infant gaviscon for her. You add it to the feeds from a little sachet. It was fab and worked after just 1 day. She was on it until 10 mths old when we gradually weaned her off it.

I didn't have PNI with my first but I could feel myself getting low because of the stress and worry and inability to leave her with anyone because of this.

Ask your doctor about it - it saved my sanity (and the carpet!)

[kl77]

Hi Sarah
Thanks for the advice, I know we'll survive this point but it helps to know that someone already has. Found we have had no support at all, initially I was told I'm a neurotic first time mum- always helps!
Think I'll try your advice re going out and getting P to look a the site. Hope you're doing ok
Thanks XXX

Siancy
We have just changed from the gaviscon.
Had it since he was 8 weeks old and it seemed to be doing the trick other than the occasional screaming episode. He has never been particularly sick with it, more 'bubbling'
We've now had to change to a milk which thickens on contact with stomach acid and following this it will be an acid suppressant. Thanks for ideas though. Hope you're well XXX

Day actually got worse before it got better
Feeding was an absolute nightmare.
Auntie rang at lunchtime and 'ordered' me to get in the car and get to her house for a few hours. Definately what I needed - had spent ages crying before I left feeling unable to cope and useless. Feeling guilty about wishing baby's time away and not being able to make things better.
Afternoon and evening bit better but think the change in milk has affected his tummy! Mum came for tea which got me over my worst time, still haven't said anything to her.
P said I could iron his long sleeved shirt for him!- asked why I'd want to do that, had the usual of him being at work all day! Let's hope tomorrow is an improvment.

[sianyc]

It took Gary a good few weeks (and a good few arguments where I exploded) before he cottoned onto the fact that I was not up to housework. Whenever I tried, I'd be a mess by the end of the day. When I don't push myself, I'm happier when he gets in from work and therefore nicer to be around.

I am back at work work now but we used to do something like this

G got up with 2 kids and gave them milk/breakfast (he still does this most mornings)
He prepares bottles for the day and gets the meals out of the freezer to defrost(I cook them in batches cos I find cooking relaxes me)
I get up and shower and eat before he goes to work
I then have the kids in the day and try to do the washing or another little task

When G gets in from work he helps to give them their tea, baths them both and we both get them ready for bed

He then does the steriliser and cooks dinner


This was short term really while my meds kicked in and he was also doing the cleaning as well. My health visitor basically told him he would have to take on the housework etc while I concentrated on not pushing myself and trying to relax. Once I began to have some good days, I would do some ironing or help with the cleaning

Try talking to him about what stresses you out and how ironing/cleaning etc is the last thing you feel up to. I felt and mostly still feel that it is all far too much cope with and trying to do it exhausts me.

Anyway I've taken up far too much of your diary so I'll go now. Take care and I wish you a good day soon x

[kl77]

Hi Sianyc
Thanks for the offer of advice and support, it's very much appreciated and feel free to take up as much diary as you like x
P is still very nervous of our son, he didn't bond for the first 8-10 weeks. He does his feed at 7 and his feed at 10 but at the moment that is pretty much it. P has only bathed him once and got him washed and dressed a couple of times. Hope you're on the way up and that good days are out weighing the bad x

Today has been a good day!
Don't know why but I've felt a bit competent and me and my gorgeous baby boy have been singing and dancing and smiling, real smiling!
I even managed to clean the kitchen and the lounge and also wash the bottles!
Me and P have been out tonight for the first time, baby was fine and it was nice to spend some time talking. I've taken the advice and tried to discuss things that stress me out and P is now of for 5 days so I've asked he reads some of the entires to get a better understanding.
New milk appears to be working ok which is a massive relief.
I hope everyone else has had a 'smiling' day

[kl77]

Still smiling today- just!
Little man a bit off it today, think it's still the milk change, was up twice in the night with poorly tummy and had some episodes since.
Quiet day at home, just the 3 of us. Short walk and some playing time.
Heading over to in laws tomorrow, not sure how I feel about that. When I've got something arranged it seems to really play on my mind.
Was going to go to bed at the same time as thelittle man but decided to stay up and be entertained by the X factor - must be the illness, wouldn't dream of watching it otherwise (honest!!!!!)

[sianyc]

I love x-factor ;D

Glad to hear you had a smiley day - I did too (well most of it!)

Enjoy your time off together

Sian x

[kl77]

On my way down again, think it feels worse because I've had 2 quite good days.
Spent morning at my mum and dad's and had lunch which was lovely but then baby seemed to start to feel unwell when we went to mum in laws.
Felt really paranoid like her and P were watching me waiting to see if I did something wrong or lost my patience with little man.
Milk doesn't seem to be agreeing with little man so he struggling and I feel like failure yet again because I can't do anything about it. When at it's worst I feel like running away which makes me feel worse, like I'm not there for him.
Feel so sad for him having a mum like me, why couldn't he have had a mum who could cope.
When I was feeding him I felt like P was watching and judging and wondering if I'm good with baby when he's not around.
Feel absolutely awful, started waking at 2am and being unable to get back off til about 4.
Feel so overwhelmed by things and anxious, Little man in bed now but I'm terrified he will wake up crying or if he's ill. Feel like he will get dehydrated and things but I will miss the signs or do the wrong thing because I'm terrified of the doctors saying I'm a neurotic first time mum like they did when he was admitted to hospital.
Feel like baby would be better off with a 'coper' but then on other hand terrified that he might be taken away from me.
Definately an early night to try and escape today.

[kl77]

Another non smiling one.
P less than understanding, don't even feel I can be bothered to write about it, going to bed to escape

[sianyc]

Sorry your day was crap chicken

I'm afraid partners being less than understanding seems to be par for the course until they can get their head round it all

I promise it does get easier as you start to talk to them and explain what it's all about. But you know men - can't do 2 things at once. First the info then the processing of it!