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Post by cheshire on Aug 29, 2006 20:46:44 GMT
Have a lovely day :)x
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Post by sianyc on Aug 31, 2006 15:13:07 GMT
I'm so pleased you've had a run of good days. It definately gives you something nice to read over when the blips come.
I hope you're still having a good run and the little man's reflux is under control!
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 1, 2006 8:59:51 GMT
Where to begin? Anniversary was quite nice, spoilt with new Radley bag, flowers and chocolates. Had a nice meal at home in the evening.
Days otherwise a little lower than they have been but think it's related to the fact that because the weather has been rubbish we've been quite restricted on what we can do and I'm not getting paid now so trying to stay away from anywhere which costs money! Little man doing well back on his regular milk and gaviscon, gained 11 ounce this week!
Went to my friends for tea last night. Got little man ready for bed etc, got him settled and waited about 15 minutes to make sure he was hard and fast asleep before I left. Was out for 2 and a half hours and felt so much more like myself, came home to a husband who had had nothing to do with baby because he remained fast asleep. Thought it was a good thing but then it was commented how long I'd been out? and that it wasn't going to bcome a weekly thing like it had been before my pregnancy. P has always had issues with my best friend because we've been close for the last 18 years, P said she shouldn't have took it for granted that he would look after the baby!??! Is it me or is he not the daddy? Does that not mean it's unconditional? Is it taken for granted that every day when he is out of the house for 11 hours I'll look after little man. I felt like I was being a bad mum yet again even though I did not leave my gorgeous baby's side for 4 months? Even though I sat up night after night in case he choked and stopped breathing but didn't start again this time? Even though every hour of every day is devoted to making sure my baby knows he is loved more than anything else in this world. I've had so many good days and up to now I've forgotten the last day I cried. P caused this and it makes my resentment even stronger. I wonder if we'd be better off apart because I don't get the support from him. I keep thinking it's easier just to stay in but its so nice to feel like me. Even when P is at home he doesn't take baby anywhere or give me a break that way. He's 17 weeks old and P has taken him out in the pram on his own once for 10 minutes! A couple of weeks ago when I was in tears all the time my neighbour, who supported me during and after the pregnancy, offered to take baby for a walk for half an hour, I struggled but agreed so that I could do some cleaning! Within a few minutes I felt guilty and rang P to make sure I wasn't being a bad mum, his response was 'What do you mean you've let the neighbour take him out!' 'What have you done that for?' I feel selfish for wanting to snatch some time for me.
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 1, 2006 19:11:55 GMT
The day has not got any better. P has been home for 2 hours and we've not sorted anything out. He gave a half hearted apology then said he didn't know what he was apologising for. All he does is turn things around so that I end up on a guilt trip, not anymore. I'm so fed up of it, I need support and encouragement not someone who begrudges me 2 hours to be me. It's time to grow up! Not looking forward to the weekend, going to go to bed once I've logged off. Feel lke I'm on my way back to square 1
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Post by cheshire on Sept 1, 2006 21:35:31 GMT
Hi Kl,
I'm sorry your day got no betterx
I know what you mean about 'half hearted apologies' - I know they have a heart, but is it the same as ours? I sometimes accuse my hubby that his might be temporarily frozen!!
You sleep well, hope you do xx
Love Hopefulx
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Post by sianyc on Sept 2, 2006 8:45:17 GMT
Hey KL I think men only apologise sometimes to stop us being in a mood with them. It took a lot of arguing and sniping (mostly from me it has to be said!) before G did much with our eldest. He was quite happy to do things when I was there but didn't ever have her on his own. When I went back to work he had to have her for one whole day alone and he was wrecked by the time I got home! One incident really stands out and I still resent this even though it was over 2 years ago I was really ill cos I'd got so run down with night feeds and doing ALL the housework. G was doing nothing and I really mean nothing. I was lucky if he changed a nappy when he got home from work. Anyway, the eldest was only about 8 weeks and had an irritating habit of not going to sleep until midnight or later. I was drugged up to the eyeballs on lemsips etc and was so tired I was crying with the baby. G response was to say ' well I would stay up with her but I have work in the morning'. He then put ear plugs in and went to sleep. If I had had the strength I think I would have smothered G in his sleep!! Hated him at that moment. Even thinking about it now I can feel my stomach tightening. When I accidentally got pregnant this time around, I warned him exactly what he must and mustn't do and say. I'm not proud of it now but I was so terrified of having abother baby and doing it all myself that I threatened not to have the baby if he didn't promise to help this time. Men are mostly crap at adjusting to having their first baby. They, like us, find it hard losing their old life and freedom. Having said that, they do need to recognise that it is harder for us. Our bellies are stretched marked and out boobs aren't even remotely perky any more. We have PNI to deal with as well as the normal pressures of parenthood. I think you're right in expecting him to babysit. After all he takes it for granted you'll care for the little man when he's in work and I'll bet he goes out too. I know it's hard to do it calmly but tell him you need him to give you a break from the baby. My midwife and HV told G in no uncertain terms that he had to do it Bugger what he said about the neighbour. if you're feeling confrontational then point out she's had him on her own longer then him. You need a break and deserve a break. Take ANY offers you can get - trust me you'll be glad of it Take care chicken Hope you have a smiley day today Sian x
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 3, 2006 20:08:46 GMT
Thanks Hopeful - sometimes think P's heart gets locked up for days and he puts the key in a 'safe place' (somewhere he can't remember)
Thanks Sian - MEN!!!!! The incident that you wrote is so similar to a few I had with P in the early days when he was doing nothing, Pillow was at the ready!!!
Weekend not half as bad as I expected, we talked and things seem to have sunk in - for now!?!?! I even told P that I resent him because I blame him for some of the illness, not said this before. I really do feel that if he had lifted a finger in the early days I wouldn't have got as low and exhausted as I did. Basic conversation resulted in me telling him to accept his responsibilities and grow up! Watch this space!
Spent weekend seeing family which has been lovely.
Been looking for a greenhouse, got a big garden and want to grow veg etc, also think it will give me something else to focus on.
Looking forward to the next couple of days, my best friend has both days off work so we're planning things!
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 4, 2006 19:51:34 GMT
Had a good day today, as I expected.
Lunch with friend and then we went for a walk and went to the park and just chatted, so nice and relaxed.
Having lunch together again tomorrow and then going shopping, not told P ha ha
Starting to feel so much more like me but I also notice that little mans reflux is settled at the minute, I'm positive that it's my trigger. Fingers crossed the good spell continues
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 4, 2006 19:52:46 GMT
Forgot to add that I've just ordered myself a compost bin - move aside Charlie Dimmock! (with saggier boobs and stretchmarks!!!!!!!!!!!)
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 5, 2006 20:30:10 GMT
Not avery good day today. Had lunch with friend and went shopping as planned. Little man has fed really poorly today, only 100mls at each feed! Really bothers me because I can't do anything about it and it means he's getting less gaviscon. Just really dipped, took forever to get put of the house because of feedin issues. Can't pre make formula, got to make gaviscon in very warm water otherwise it doesn't dissolve etc etc Little man seemed to be whingey most of the day and I was constantly worried we were heading for a reflux episode. Thing that bothered me most was I always thought that spending time with someone I want to spend time with and spending time out of the house would result in a good day. Feel like today my security blanket has been taken, what do I enjoy? What can I do if I feel low? All I wanted to do earlier was go to bed and escape the day, go to another life or some other place. Stayed up instead to try and deal with my thoughts and why I feel so much guilt and why I feel like a complete failure?
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naomi
Senior Member
Made it through the long recovery from PP!
Posts: 216
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Post by naomi on Sept 5, 2006 20:45:30 GMT
Hey KL
Sorry your day was low today - it does sound like the reflux plays a part in triggering bad days. I'll be thinking of you and really hope little man settles soon.
I think most of us with PNI get plagued with the guilt and feelings of failure - but you're SO not a failure - your words of support to me have meant so much and I'm sure to many others on here. You're being a brilliant mum, caring so much for your little one's reflux and you even manage to do housework!!! Flipping heck! Can I confess to you here that my bathroom hasn't been done since March when my mother-in-law did it! Shameful eh? Yet I have to say this is one thing I decided early - if it's a choice between my sanity and time with Anya versus a clean house... let the house go! There's a season for a perfect home and I do reckon times of PNI are not that!
Are there any areas where you could cut yourself some slack to minimise tiredness? I know we've relied a lot on M&S ready-meals (do really taste home made!) and any offers of domestic help from friends/relatives. As well as a full-time job, Si has really had to do most of the laundry, shopping, washing up and the bottles for a good few months - it's a case of 'in sickness and in health' eh? Maybe if P could read this he'd understand a little more of just how much Dads sometimes need to do to help us through these tough times.
Well, hoping your days get brighter - lots of love
Naomi xx
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 5, 2006 20:57:53 GMT
Thanks for the support Nay X
P is really good with cleaning issues and does do the bottles on an evening if I've not had chance. P still hasn't looked at the site even though I keep asking him to. He'd be quite happy for me to read things to him but it's just lazy. I feel he should make the effort.
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Post by monica on Sept 5, 2006 22:38:16 GMT
Hi Kl
You're not a failure! You're a brill mum; you really care for your son. But I found with PNI everything was difficult. something that normally would be annoying or hard just became unsurmountable. It must be hard for you with your son having this reflux problem especailly when your'e going on. And diffuclt days like that can really knock your confidence for six. When you expect something to be good and it doesn't you blame yourself. And that's what the recovery process can be like, but in time a diffiuclt day will just be that and you won't see it as a personal failure - I promise you that!
Monica
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kl77
Senior Member
Posts: 343
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Post by kl77 on Sept 8, 2006 19:56:39 GMT
Thanks Monica and Naomi, I think sometimes you need reminding you're not so bad!!!!
Not been into my diary for a few days but been on the site trying to give support to other people.
Had a good couple of days, spent time with little man and been loving it, he's so animated now! Everything brings different expressions to his face, it's fantastic. He was up at twenty to 6 this am laid twittering for over an hour, it's gorgeous. His new sound of the last few days is blowing raspberries, trouble is he ends up wet through!!
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Post by cazfletcher on Sept 8, 2006 20:03:51 GMT
aw love him!!! and can i just say what a huge support you have been to me over the last few days
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