dear Sizi
I am so sorry you both had such an awful night.
I have had theses crises with Barry many times since Caja was born about what happened and how traumatized I was .
I think as things change for you and your children grow up you sometimes have to re-visit this thing again
It is not negative to do this though, as every time I am able to explain a bit more, or he understand a bit more and over the years he does now understand it very well. And every time we re- visit this I (we) move forward in our life.
So I know its hard and it leaves you both completely 'wrung out' but I would still say keep talking it is worth in terms of your relationship and the support you get,and your future.
Barry did not at the time understood the trauma I went through at Caja's birth even though he was with me most of the time up to when they dragged me to the operating theater for an emergency C section and to repair the damage a ripped placenta (
The placenta had come away leaving us both in danger but like you I had been telling them all night that I was incredible pain and something was very wrong but was ignored until it was almost too late and Cajas heart kept stopping and I passed out................
I asked Barry why he did not seem to register what an emergency it was and how crap my experience was because I was so scared in pain and I was not respected and not listened to.. and his answer was that he had never been a father before and knew that many women had c sections so he thought what I went through was 'normal' and that many mothers go through this ....
He had not really realized that their is a big difference between an elective c section or any proceedure that you are prepared for and having any emergancy intervention, one after 36 hours or extreme pain and fear because you know something is really wrong and you know if they do not listen to you, you will lose your baby!!!! it was sheer hell
As I know it was for you too
Our last crisis like this happened recently when Caja - 3 months off 18 - left home after Christmas. What throws me in to crisis and having to re-vist my trauma again is alway in my case triggered by changes in my relationship with Caja
For others it may be something else...
This threw me into complete crisis again over this - and again anger at how little Barry understood - he by now understood how the birth had affected me but still does not understand why it is not complete finished and done with so many years later and why it comes up agian when things change in our lives.
But every time there is a change of circumstances with Caja and me it does come up again
and with Caja leaving home it felt like it was over ( too late) and I had lost my chance of ever making it right.
I feel that ever since her birth and then the terrible PNI I have been trying to make it up to her - and to me -that she had such a bad start in life..
her leaving felt to me that it was finished and I could never now achieve this.
But it does not end negatively as through talking it through with Barry, and others, getting his support and their support ( although this can mean that we have sessions like your one last night to get there, we do get there in the end)
So I now know that I do not need to make anything up to her.
She is a lovely young woman, capable and with no mental health issues that have arrived at least as yet
( she has had friends who self harm, drink, take drugs some who were mothers before the wanted to be and some before 16, many who never went to college and are lost not knowing what to do with their lives, still others who have been treated for depression even though they are not yet 18)
but Caja is OK, she is attending college, has has many friends is not drinking or on drugs and now living independently and doing this successfully..............
So I know think that my care of her was 'good enough ' and I have succeeded despite her bad start and my PNI in bringing her up. And I further know if she had/has any of the above difficulties it would not be becasue I was to 'blame' as I did my best and all any of us can do is our best
It took work and tears to get there, but I got there and to a place where I feel at peace with myself and my relationship again.
I am not saying that another crisis for me will not happen again - perhaps when she has a baby herself or marries
And I know that when it does I will have to work quite hard to get the support I need from Barry- and from others - as he does not carry my trauma and guilt over her birth etc - and this will result in a terrible night or even weeks for us
but we will get there and I am sure you will too.
Just keep talking - you have started and while it may not seem that this is good at the time ( and i am sorry about your boss at work and this does happen i am afraid )
but in the end it will be worth it and it is probably not possible to bury it again now anyway
we are here for you
Love Veritee