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Post by sianyc on Aug 24, 2007 13:57:03 GMT
How did your GP appointment go?
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 26, 2007 20:13:20 GMT
Sunday ... Went to see dr on Friday. Made sure I put lots of slap on and sat there being really fake telling her how well I was feeling. Didn't mention the fact that I've been really teary again or getting panicy. She seemed to like what she heard and handed me another prescription- don't have to go back for 2 months now. I also saw her about Tomas and his fits - he's getting a referal to the hospital as he's had 3 in a month. That is a relief - its such a worry having to watch his every move and wrap him in cotton wool when he's a real boy - loves rough and tumble and climbing etc. Yesterday a friend invited my boys over to play at hers. I didn't feel like going but kids did so I took them over. Then I ended up staying and getting pretty drunk. Had a really good time. We're going to do it again in 3 weeks. My OH got a text from an ex-girlfriend today. I was not happy. She wants to meet us all for lunch - whoopey doo - Told my OH no way. I said if you really wanna see her off u go but don't expect me to tag along. He did not understand my reaction at all and so we've had a few 'words' today. I know its someone from about 15 years ago, and I'm not jelous at all and I don't for one min think he wants to rekindle the relationship - but I don't want to sit and make small talk with his bloody ex. Got better things to do - dig up weeds in the garden, clean the toilets, tidy up my understairs cupboard ..... Ha. Please tell me I'm not being unreasonable? Been really teary today. Lots of things set me off:- OH and his ex, my two eldest boys going to sleep at grandma's for the night, reading about a baby that had died in our local paper and something on tv. Don't know if its the pni or pmt starting. Dreading this time next week - I've got one more week off before going back to work. Drove past work on Friday afternoon and was going to go in but chickened out. I reckon once I'm through the door and I find a friendly face I'll be OK but really worried about going in?? I wish I had someone to come and hold my hand!! My confidence has had such a knock during this last year and I can't seem to get it back.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 27, 2007 19:28:18 GMT
Bank holiday Monday ...
We went to a big park for a picnic today and it was so busy you could not move. I was not in the mood at all. My inlaws were there too - bet they thought I was a right miserable cow but it was the last thing I wanted to do today.
Not in best of moods ....
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Post by winegirl on Aug 27, 2007 19:32:07 GMT
Hi Emma
Just wanted to say that I was terrified of going back to work. But after the first day it gets easier gradually x Don't worry it will all be fine when you get there x
Sorry you have not had a great day today. We went for a picnic too today and my anxiety ruined it so I know how you feel.
Hope tomorrow is better for youx
Winegirl
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Post by sianyc on Aug 28, 2007 19:41:24 GMT
Hi Em
Meeting ex-girlfriends of ny OH's. Rather gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon. Why on earth would I want to make conversation with someone who's slept with my OH - how awkward would that be :-)
Men are daft - that's my reasoned conclusion
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 28, 2007 20:11:50 GMT
So glad someone understands re my Hubby's ex - I'm not being unreasonable!!! ........ Thank u!!! He's not mentioned it since Saturday so hope I've heard the last of that one.
Had an OK day today. Took my two older boys out for the day to The Deep. My OH had the horrible job of taking Theo for his 12months jab. Felt very anxious about going out but once we set off I was fine.
The boys really enjoyed it and they were so well behaved I was dead proud. We had a really good time and I even took them out to a restaurant for dinner.
Once home things went downhill. My mood just plumeted. I wanted to be on my own for 10 mins to try and sort myself out but no-one would leave me alone. In desperation I put Theo in his pushchair and said I'm going for a walk. However the rest of the family decided they wanted to come with me. Probably just as well with way I was feeling.
Feeling bit better now. God knows what has happened to me I was doing so well. Probably the worry bout going back to work.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 29, 2007 11:52:04 GMT
Could not sleep last night. Sat up untill half three then went to bed but lay awake for ages. Then up with the boys at just after seven. Really tired today as a result which is having bit of a knock on effect with my mood. Its a vicious circle.
Took T and T to nursery this am which gives me bit of a break but still got Jake and his friend to look after. They are upstairs making a tip - least its keeping them quiet.
Finally made a hair appointment its this afternoon and I am going to go this time. Been making appointments since July and cancelling but definitely going today.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 29, 2007 14:59:32 GMT
Hi Emma
Just wanted to say I hope the haidressers goes well! I am terrified of going but always feel better after for having a nice new tidy bonce! Hope you managed ok? Let us know x
Winegirl x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 29, 2007 19:39:53 GMT
Thanks winegirl! - I DID IT!! I ACTUALLY WENT TO THE HAIRDRESSERS TODAY!!! Yeah!!! Was really stressed about an hour before hand but so chuffed with myself for actually going - and going without having to take my 6 year old along with me to make me feel 'safe'. Feel like bit of a freak writing this - A couple of years ago I'd have laughed if someone told me going to the hairdressers would be an achievement. How life changes with pni.
Had bit too much wine now so better stop typing before I write a load of embarassing rubbish I have to edit later ....!
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Sept 1, 2007 18:45:37 GMT
I've had a rubbish couple of days. Feeling very low and really teary. I'm just so anxious about Monday when I go back to work. Back to being unable to swallow food and not sleeping.
Yesterday I was so stressed I could barely breathe. It was all silly things stressing me out - cleaning, the kids, getting the shopping done but I could not calm down. On top of that I had my mum coming over to look after T and T whilst we took Jake to collect an award. When I got home I found that my sister had turned up with her friend, and then my dad arrived. My head felt really wierd and the noise of them all talking was too much. I was screaming inside "will you all f**k off out of my house". Just wanted to be alone. Once they left I just collapsed in a heap and cried my eyes out. My OH looked dispairingly at me so I went and sat in the bath with the door locked and carried on. Then I did something I've never thought about before I picked up a razor and dug it into my thigh untill it bled. Its actually just a bit of scratch now but it hurt and bled quite a lot but it did take away the crappy thoughts I was having - just for a while.
Feeling bit more rational tonight, but very low. Had a busy day today as it is my OH's birthday and my inlaws came over. Kids been really excited but my inlaws played with them and kept them occupied.
I am so scared inside - over the last 6 weeks my OH has been off work on holiday and he's been here every day to help me. That's really helped my recovery. At the same time its helped me to live inside a sort of safe bubble. I feel like my safe bubble is about to burst. That probably sounds like a load of crap but I know what I mean. I'm terrified of not coping, and I'm terrified of letting people down again. I can't believe I've gone from feeling so well to this. Its pants.
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Post by angryshark on Sept 1, 2007 20:46:17 GMT
Hi Em,
I don't know your full background but I just read your last post and my heart went out to you. I'm so sorry you felt so low as to hurt yourself. I can understand you needed to change the thoughts in your head but I really hope you realise this isn't the way.
I too would have been overwhelmed by having the whole family in my house and it's a shame they didn't realise the affect this could have on you. Did you tell your OH about cutting yourself? Maybe if you tell him how bad the situation made you feel he can try and find more ways to stop that happening again.
It sounds like you have a lot of stresses coming up, especially going back to work, but remember this will be good for you. It'll give you another focus. You can switch your mind off from your troubles and think about work stuff which however mind-numbingly boring sometimes, is still a distraction.
It sounds to me like you actually cope with a lot. It sounds like your home is a sociable place and you are a star for dealing with all the coming and goings. You are going to cope next week because it's important for you and your family. You will make it work as you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. It probably won't be easy but I do think you'll look back by the end of week and it will seem a lot less of a stress than it does now.
Good luck sweetheart. Life can be poo but you will find a way to get through this. Put those razor blades out of reach - it's no the way.
Love, L x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Sept 3, 2007 18:34:55 GMT
Feel like I'm bout low as I've ever felt tonight. I have felt so worried about today - the return to work. I did not sleep last night and I've been struggling to eat anything.
Got to work and luckily I immediately met a friendly face in the car park so I felt like I had someone to 'hold my hand' as I went into work. Things went downhill rapidly after this.
As I went in I saw quite a lot of people crying but had no idea why. After speaking to someone I found out that a collegue who had been suffering from depression committed suicide on Saturday. It was such a blow, I wanted to be strong cos I thought if I cry I won't stop. I had to get away from everyone who was upset so went and found somewhere quiet for a few minutes. We then had a mass (as its a catholic school) and I had to try and block everything out to stay strong. His wife was there and at the end she stood up and spoke to everyone - I'll never know how she did that she was truely courageous.
So, its been a really difficult day. The worry of returning to work combined with the death has really knocked the stuffing out of me. I came home and held myself together untill I saw my OH then I just burst into tears and I've hardly stopped.
When I got home from work I remembered why I'd struggled so much previously when I went back to work. The kids needed their tea making, the washing needed hanging on the line, Theo had tipped everything out of a drawer in the lounge, then made his way into the kitchen and started on a cupboard, Jake was shouting me to help him make a bracelet, Tomas was shouting mummy to come and put the TV on for him ..... TOO MUCH. I felt guilty cos I'd been out all day and the kids hadn't had any attention. However, its impossible to give them the attention they want and do the jobs that need doing. It was overwhelming and probably the reason why I burst into tears as soon as my OH got home.
I cannot cope and I can't go on like this.
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Post by loislane on Sept 4, 2007 11:53:55 GMT
Hi Em,
I'm sorry - i haven't read all your diary so I don't know the full details of your situation but I just had to reply.
I can't imagine how you feel after such an awful day. But please try not to feel guilty about anything.
I'm only a few months into this whole PNI thing but one thing I have learnt is that there are ups and downs. And I know it's impossible to see at the moment, but things will get better, and hopefully it will be soon.
It does sound like work on top of everything else could be a bit much for you to handle - have you thought about going to see your GP and getting signed off for a bit? It wouldn't be letting anyone down - I don't want to sound harsh but you will be more good to everyone if you are well and that is what you need to focus on. And remember that anyone would have found coming back to work to find out about the death of a colleague really hard to deal with, even without all the other PNI stuff.
It's easy for me to say that cutting yourself will not help - but I know from experience that in the short term it can help things feel better.
You know you need help to deal with this though sweetheart, and you know that isn't the way to go about it. It sounds like you feel as if your OH is struggling a bit as well - could you have a chat with him and see if he could help out with jobs at home a bit more? Or if not, and I know it's hard to do, but try to forget about them. Yes, the kids need tea but maybe you could involve them in making it to keep them busy, and I'm sure the washing could wait another day before it gets dry - i know mine has to sometimes!
I don't want to sound patronising, and my baby is only eight months old so i have no idea how you manage to cope with three of them who actually move around and answer back, but i just wanted to say I'm thinking of you, and I'm here if you need a hug.
Hope today is better.
L xxx
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Post by angryshark on Sept 4, 2007 14:39:55 GMT
Hi Em,
I can't believe you had such a nasty experience on your first day back! That was totally exceptional and more than most people could have coped with. But do remember, you did it. You stayed for the day and didn't walk out. Even when it was so traumatic. Give yourself the credit where it's due as you did make the kid's dinner and the washing was dealt with.
You've been through a terribly traumatic return to work so really things can only get better.
loislane has some good advice - don't beat yourself up if the washing's not dealt with today, or tomorrow. Everyone will cope. I hate leaving things but the exhaustion and stress is certainly not helpful to you. Even get some ready meals in to get you through your return to work. You can't be supermum everyday.
I'm sending huge hugs your way as you deserve them. Tell OH it's take-aways this week!
L x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Sept 4, 2007 20:50:54 GMT
Thankyou for your supportive posts!
Been a bit brighter today - no tears - though almost! I look a right state from crying so much yesterday and being up most of the night so tried to keep out of peoples way today where possible.
Not been able to eat properly since Thursday. Virtually eaten nothing over the last 3 days - few polo mints and a small piece of chicken today. A spoonful of rice yesterday. Can't remember further back than that. I know the consequences of not eating cos I've been here before but I just can't swallow the food. I don't understand why. If someone had said this to me before I had pni I would have laughed and told them not to be so stupid. Even things I love like crisps I cannot eat.
I had a meeting at work today with someone and he said "I want to understand more about your illness. Can you explain to me what you go through every day...". I could not speak.... If I had started to tell him I'd have been bawling and didn't want to let my guard down. Was also quite embarassed - the question was quite unexpected - no-one ever asked me anything so direct before.
Tomorrow is a big day for me. It will be the first time I've taught a class of kids since I walked out back in April. Quite looking forward to it. Fingers x'd it goes OK.
Hope I manage some sleep tonight.
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