Em's diary

[Em]

Thought this would be a good idea - writing stuff down... Not sure what to write and where to start now though.

I should be in bed, its half ten but no point cos I can't sleep. Doesn't make sense - how can you be so tired you got no energy to do anything but you can't sleep??? Too much going around and around in my head - and all of it rubbish.

I'm a mum of 3 boys aged 6, 3 and 10 months. All was fine and going well untill a few months ago. I don't know exactly when I got into this dark tunnel with no light at the end but I finally admitted it to those around me at Easter. This was a sort of turning point as I had to return to work. I could hold things together at home I didn't have to go out if I didn't want to face the world, and so on. But once work came into the equation that changed. I lasted only a week and a half before I broke down into pieces at work. I never never cry in front of anyone but I was sobbing my heart out to my boss - I'm so embarassed but I could not help or stop myself.

Following on from this incident I walked out on the class of 20 kids I was teaching and walked around our school then sat and cried in the toilets. When I finally went back thankfully no-one seemed to notice and nothing bad had happened. This made me realise I had to get some help.
I saw my dr and she gave me antidepressants. Been taking them nearly 2 months and I don't feel better. Also been for councelling which I HATED. Don't wanna go back but dr said i need to give it another go. This is more my thing I can get stuff off my chest and I don't feel like any1 is judging me. I can cry and no1 can see me. etc etc.

Got the health visitor coming to see me tomorrow. I don't want to see anyone. She makes me feel worse - how do you feel about this and how do you feel about that. Can do talking about mundane things like the garden or the weather (if I have to!) but I don't want to talk about me to even my family let alone a stranger. This depression is making me a recluse. I don't really go anywhere except for the essentials like taking my eldest to school and I make excuses all the time not to see people. Its so stupid cos when I do go and meet a friend or family member I feel so much brighter. Oh well ....

I'm going to try and write a bit as often as poss and see if this helps me. Hubby shouting ... "What you doing?" Betta go b4 he wakes the house up.

[cheshire]

Hi Emmaj,

I hope you don't mind me interrupting your diary - just wanted to welcome you to the sitexx

I hope writing things down here helps a bit - I found it useful, especially with the support from the other ladies here too.

I suffered with terrible insomnia after my second - I know how frustrating/ awful this can be. I found work very hard too at the beginning - and did not go back until over a year later (like you, my job involves standing up in front of a room full of people which is hard enough without PNI to contend with). It's ok now though, but I just had to give myself time.

Hope it goes ok with the HV today - know what you mean, the 'off topic' chatter doesn't always help at all!! I just wanted to scream!

Anyway, just to let you know you're really welcome.

Love, Hopefulxxx

[helenr]

Hi emma,

a big welcome to the site.

I too turned into a complete recluse, wouldn't answer the phone let alone see anyone. And I didn't like my hv to begin with (too many questions), so I used to hide when she came to see C.J. However, now that I'm better, I can see that I hve a really good one, and now we laugh about how much I hated her.
I also didn't sleep for more than 2hrs a night, thoughts rushing around in my head, too fast for me to pin down.
Sorry, I've rambled on about me too much,
feel free to post as much or as little as you like,
love and hugs x.

[Em]

Thank you for your support messages!

Here I go again ... Had my visit from health visitor - went well today. She's had this illness and she does understand.

I've got no energy at all. Just want to sit and stare at the wall. I've started about 20 things today and given up on all of them after a few minutes. Now I feel like I'm drowning in crappy tasks that need doing. As HV said no-one is going to die because you didn't put away the washing or finish your Tesco.com order - doesn't help though. I can't stop myself feeling really panicky.

Am struggling to explain to hubby whats going on in my head. He tries bless him but I think he's at a loss. He asks me every few minutes are you ok doesn't know what else to say. He's asked me what I've done today - he doesn't understand that I can't focus myself on anything, thinks I must be bored at home. BORED?? I couldn't even be bored if I tried. U gotta have some energy for that . HV told me to look on net for some info 2 help him understand had a quick look but not come across anything. Can anyone point me in a good direction?

My three boys been great today. Theo put his arms up to me and said mama for the first time this evening and it made me smile - a real true smile - not a fake one. I can't believe I have to congratulate myself on managing to smile and feel happy once in a day.

Off to bed for me ...
x

[Em]

Lil man in bed now having afternoon nap.

Had to face the supermarket this morning - why is it so hard to make decisions about anything? What to get for tea ... etc. I end up either getting alsorts so I can try and make the decisions later or just leave with nothing. I didn't get my dad anything for father's day - again I just couldn't decide what to get. Will have to go shopping tomorrow now. I used to love shopping, now I loathe it.

Really tired today. Didn't sleep well again. T is sat cutting and sticking at mo. He's taken off his trousers and pants and is wearing his pants as a hat! Don't know why but I don't have energy to argue with him and get him dressed again. Will worry about that when we gotta go out and get his big brother from school. I used to do loads of things with him during the day. Now I just can't find the energy. We did make a few buns earlier - rather pleased with myself for doing that. Don't feel such a failure as a mum for doing it.

[helenr]

Hi Emma,

at least you make it to the supermarket! Like you, I just didn't have the energy to make decisions, it'll come in time!
Both my hv and cpn used to give off when the first words out of my mouth were always "look at the mess". As they both said, if they came into my house and it was spotless ( with 2 babes), then they really would be worried. Its hard though isn't it? I used to think "there's another thing I can't do properly" and beat myself up about it all the time.
Whats much more important is the pleasure you got from your boys yesterday, and the fact that you properly smiled at Theo.
As for your hubby, would you let him look at this site?
Anyway, thats enough of my ramblings in you diary,
love and hugs x.

P.s. - buns? Mmmmmmmm

[sianyc]

I can totally see where you're coming from Em. I used to judge myself (and still do a lot of the time) on whether the house was immaculate, there was a fridge full of healthy food and all the baby food was home-cooked.

I put a load of pressure on myself to cope with 2 children as well as I did with 1. The reality is that it's just not possible. Despite the HV, my mum etc telling me it was ok not to have a sparkling kitchen floor and for there to be crumbs on the carpet and for there to be jars of baby gloop in the cupboard, it took about a year for me to realise it.

I exhausted myself cleaning, tidying, caring for a toddler and a baby, cooking every meal and freezing batches (even for the then 2 year old) shopping, making cookied with the older one and getting the paints out and then guilt tripping myself for not having the energy to play more!

That's the thing for me about my PNI. I know I'm recovering because I can now give the kids Smiley faces without agonising over it for 3 hours, I can walk over the ktichen floor and not HAVE to clean it because there's a drop of milk spilt. I have resigned myself to the fact that paint just make me nervous (still have a bit of a mess phobia - sad I know) and I would rather make jellies and cakes than hoover the carpet.

The result is a happier me for OH to come home to and for the kids to spend time with. Much better than a nice clean house (she says while secretly wishing for a cleaner and ironer)

I'm sure T is quite happy entertaining himself. It's a useful life skill (and will give you half a chance to put your feet up. Definately pick your arguments with the kids. Reserve getting annoyed for things like food throwing not putting their pants on their head.

I'll stop rambling on in your diary now. Take care x

[Em]

I had a really good evening yesterday. Was wierd. Had half an hour in the bath then came down to watch some tv with hubby. We talked and had a giggle 2gether and i felt like me again. Was like a light switch being turned on. I suddenly realised I havn't felt well like that for a very long time. I had thought this all started about 2 months ago but I don't think I've actually felt right at all since even before the birth. Looking back I wish I had recognised it earlier and got help. I didn't really want another baby and awful as it sounds I certainly didn't want another boy. I remember when we paid for the 3d scan, I was so gutted I thought I was going to throw up when the dr said its a little boy. I wouldn't change a thing obviously now but I think this may have been the start of the downwards spiral.

Anyway, fast forward 12 hours - friday morning. I woke up and I felt s**t. As low as I've ever felt. I didn't wanna get a shower. I didn't want to get dressed. I just wanted to hide in my bed. However, three lil boys to sort out one of which needed to be taken to school so I had to get up and dressed. After the walk to school in the rain, it was off to pre-school with number 2. We were late.

I had a list of things to do that hubby had asked me to do - take 2 things back to shops and post a letter. So, me and lil man set off in the car. I couldn't face going into the shops though so we came back with the stuff. Try again later. I cried all the way home. Don't know why I couldn't get out of the car and walk into Asda but I couldnt.

Got home to find my washing machine had pumped water all over the kitchen floor. I can't cope with the mess. I feel so weak today.

Decided at about 2 I better do something so I tried to prepare some tea for kids. I saw gordon ramsey make a haddock risotto on f-word. It looked so simple and quick and easy and I thought my hubby be really impressed at his domestic godess wife if I made it. So I put the rice on, then the haddock on to poach. At this point Theo filled his nappy, so I took him up to change him. When I came back my kitchen resembled a scene from the magic porridge pot with milk boiling out of the pan and going all over. Why did I bother??? Rescued the haddock and did manage a pretty good risotto in the end!

Feeling a bit brighter now, but what a crap day. What will tomorrow bring? Who knows. This is like a rollercoaster ride that I can't get off.

[Em]

Boys been up since half five. They were really excited cos its father's day. I'm shattered and I'm in a foul mood - and so are they. Its gonna be a long day.

[winegirl]

Hi Emma

How has fathers day been then? I often still cant face going into the shops so know how you feel. I am assured it does get better!

I have given up trying to cook, every time I have tried to do something nice my little girl has had other ideas and dinner has ended up ruined. Now OH cooks when he comes home while I play with little one!


It's good that you can identify trigger points for your PNI. Might be worth mentioning to your HV/GP?

Anyway, jus wanted you to know that you are not alone

Take Care

Winegirl x

[Em]

Thank you! Good to know I'm not alone in this.

Its not been an easy day today . I've felt rubbish all day and OH been out most of day enjoying his father's day treat fishing with our eldest. Needed him to be with me but not selfish enough to say that to him.

I feel like I've really let my middle boy down today but I can't keep up with all his requests: play this and read that, walk here and there, make this, paint that .. .. Thank god for cbeebies. In between lil man has been emptying drawers and cupboards for me - must get some cupboard locks!

Done an online grocery shop so don't have to face Sainsburys tomorrow. Glad I did that. One less thing to stress about.

Gonna try and get some sleep now and hope my boys sleep in a bit later tomorrow.

[winegirl]

Hi Em

Sorry yesterday wasn't so great. Has today been any better? You have actually reminded me that I also need to get some locks for our cupboards as my little girl just can't keep out of them.

Online Grocery shopping is the best. I hate supermarkets and yet still feel a great acheivement at ordering the shopping online!

Anyway hope today has been ok for you?

Winegirl x

[Em]

Went to bed an hour ago - couldn't get my mind clear so here's my attempt at doing that ...

Had an ok day today. Managed to do the things I needed to without any real problems. Had my shopping delivered but my OH asked me to post a parcel so had to face the post office. I did it though - yeah - wot a sense of achievement.

I'm feeling really panicky tonight. Worrying loads about different events that are coming up.

I booked a hair appointment for Thursday. Not sure I can face it. Cancelled it already was meant to go last Saturday but I could not face going. Its meant to be something enjoyable - a bit of pampering but don't think its worth all this worry. Doubt I'll go this time either.

Next thing I'm worrying about is a family christening in a few weeks time. I can hardly breathe when I start thinking about it. All the people that will be there, travelling in the car 4 hours to get there etc etc. How do other people cope with things like this? Is it just me that can't bear the thought of this type of event? I am so scared really don't wanna go. Its so stupid - they are my family - why can't I cope with seeing them?

Also I'm so terrified about going back to work. I have a professional job and I don't think I'll ever be capable of doing it again. I can't walk into a shop without psyching myself up for ages before hand. How will I ever walk into the building let alone walk into my class of 30 teenagers and begin to teach them algebra? I have bit fat tears rolling down my face every time I think about it. I am so frightened by these thoughts. We need the money from my job so I've gotta go back at some point. My boss is being less than sympathetic and that too is such a worry. And what are all my collegues saying about me?? I can guess ... I really don't wanna go back.

What am I going to do?? How much longer is this going to go on??

I pretend most of the time that all is ok. My hubby got no idea what I'm really going through. He's asleep now. I probably won't tell him I had to get up and do this. He's no idea I'm struggling so much to do simple things. I should tell him but I find it impossible to verbalise.

I've got a councelling session on Friday. Dreading that too. Oh yeah HV coming Wednesday ... too much. Councellor wanted me to go to the gym. She asked me to do it 3 weeks ago I havn't set foot in the place. No intention of doing so either. That was a pointless target.

God this has turned into a load of ramblings. My head so mixed up though and this is the order its coming out in! I feel so hopeless and such a pathetic mess. Where is the light at the end of the tunnel? Will sit here and wonder and continue freting about things for a couple of more hours now I expect.

[babybumble]

you brain is very active aint it...bit like mine,,

i dont think you should go work and face all those teenagers..i know i wouldnt keep my cool goign through what i am ...and if u feel the same ..sounds like it ....cant imagine you been able to not cry!!!

big hugs hunnie ....xxxx

[Em]

Tuesday.

Not been a bad day. Why do I do that - use negative words all the time? Start again - Had a good day today!

I coped well despite fact I was up most of the night panicking about all the stuff I was ranting about in my last post. Kept it all out of my mind 2day and focused on simple things to get me through the day.

I set myself lil goals all day to achieve. Everytime I did one it gave me a boost. In end I done quite a lot for me.

Tomorrow my easiest day. All three boys out all day. One at school and other two in day nursery. I feel rotten for sending them to nursery when I'm not at work but I need the break. My HV said to think of it as my healing time. Got HV coming to see me 2moro. She's really nice and she's been here with this illness so understands but I dread the visits. I try and avoid having to see or speak to anyone.

Gonna have a bath and try and relax a bit b4 bed...