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Post by winegirl on Jun 19, 2007 20:25:25 GMT
Hi Em
Just wanted to say that a few months ago I couldn't face going out the front door.
Now, I have been nack at work full time for 6 months, and even made the hair appt I had been putting off for months last weekend! After feeling like crap before going there, it actually turned out to be ok.
None of it easy, the run up to returning to work was the worse time for me. But I did it. And it is still not easy on days now, but I am doing it and you will too. It will get better x
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Post by sianyc on Jun 20, 2007 10:08:27 GMT
Hey
I've been back at work for over a year now and although it was hard at first, I think it really did help me start recovering. I had an identity outside of the house again and a responsible job to hold down. I had to go back as I was halfway through a training course when I went off on maternity leave and a promotion was riding on it. The pressure sounded awful at the time but I just took one day at a time. To an extent, I still do that. There are times when panic sets in with the amount of work I have on but it helps a lot knowing that my boss is aware of my PNI.
The worst thing is actually the dread of going back x
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 20, 2007 20:27:38 GMT
Thankyou for your advice re going back to work. I can't see myself being able to face it right now but everyone assures me in time I'll be OK.
HV came over today. I wasn't looking forward to the visit but I'm so glad she did come. We discussed my worries and talked about how I hadn't wanted another baby and wanted another boy even less. I feel so glad to have told someone, I've kept it to myself for over a year. She suggested talking to my OH about this but I don't think he'd understand - he'd think I should be really grateful for having a healthy little boy. Of course I am but nothing can change the fact that I've always imagined myself with a little girl. Something I gotta get over I guess.
Phone ringing ... I can't answer it ... my heart leaps out of my chest every time it rings. Developed a severe phobia of it. Ridiculous.
MIL coming tomorrow. Wish she wasn't I don't waana see anyone. Re-booked my hair appointment 4 2moro afternoon though. Might go this time
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 21, 2007 18:05:50 GMT
I completely lost it last night. I was crying so hard my husband was begging me to stop and said I was scaring him. I just felt so fed up.
Was very embarassed having to go out to school this am with my son. My eyes were red and puffed up. Another mum asked me if I was OK?! Tried to keep my head down. Felt rubbish all day. Completely drained from last night and I hardly slept.
Cancelled my hair appointment - AGAIN! I could not face going. Not even bothered to rearrange it this time just be wasting their time. I wish I could have made it I need to look a bit more presentable!
Councelling 2moro - ugh! Its something I don't look forward to. I find it really hard to tell people how I'm feeling which is why this is so good for me cos I don't have to see anyone whilst I get everything off my chest. Will go to my councelling session - keep trying in the hope it will help.
Going to try and have an early night 2night ....
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 22, 2007 9:23:39 GMT
I've been awake all night. Really drained and fed up. Feel really panicky about the councelling later today. I don't wanna go, I don't wanna talk to a stranger.... I will go but its completely out of my comfort zone. Just wanna get out of this hell that I'm in.
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loopy lou
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i have 4 kids
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Post by loopy lou on Jun 22, 2007 12:18:52 GMT
hi emma thank for posting in my diary well just thot id let u no i let my hv read my diary and it gor so much out in open i had reli got her all wrong think she left my house feeling bad (oops) but she gave me a big hug b4 she left which 4 some reason was reli nice bit weird though my previous 2 hv were horrible and knew nothing bout wot i was going threw so it finally feels gd to no i have some1 i can trust sorry bout rambling bout myself. im sorry to here ur feeling down 2day have a big hug from me to u (((()))) hope things go well with the counciler my dr has referred me to cpn so let me no how it goes cause im totally like u i dont wanna c her and have to talk openly bout myself . things like that scare the hell outta me think thats y i love keeping a diary on here it easier to write things down and letting my hv read it was gd u should write things down to take to counciler with u let them read it then u will no wot u have told them and start talking from there. sorry im rambling again i do that a lot i start writing and forget to stop.
im so envious of u 3 little monsters i wud love it playing footy getting mucky and a house full of blue clothes bet ur sick of it though i no im sick of cing pink now. well hun i gotta go baby needs bum changing but i hope u feeling brighter this afternoon love and hugs to ya kate xx
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Post by babybumble on Jun 23, 2007 6:59:24 GMT
hey emma how ru today ..
sorry you were in such a state the other night ..i get moments like that xxxx
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 23, 2007 19:36:36 GMT
Saturday evening ...
Know I shouldn't be but I'm sinking a big glass of wine at minute. Won't have any more tonight but I'm enjoying this one!
I've been so up and down. No-one knows what to expect from me next.
Had my councelling on friday. I hate it. Its really not for me. I find it really hard to open up to people I prefer to keep all my problems locked inside myself. Talked to councellor about my disappointment at not having a girl. Also talked about the progress I've made since last time. I told her I'd made none but she made me realise that although they are only little things I have made positive steps towards getting better - this being one of them!
I played with my 2 eldest boys today and we had such fun for half an hour. We played swingball in the garden and we were all laughing and having fun. My eldest son told me its the most fun we've ever had!! Don't think it is for one minute but mummy hasn't played with him like this for a LONG time. Tried again after tea but didn't work I'd lost that happy spark I had - so dad took over.
Fast forward an hour and I was down again. This time all my 3 year old did was throw his lolly stick and I went mad. I was so cross with him for throwing rubbish around. I could not cope at that point with any hassle at all. My baby bashed my ankles with his baby walker and that was it...I was in such a mood. This is what I mean - no-one knows what is coming next.
Got the munchies now, thats the wine. No bad thing though its bout only time I want to eat.
Meant to be doing the 5km race for life tomorrow - will update 2moro.... Good Luck me.
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 24, 2007 19:08:37 GMT
Sunday!
On a bit of a high today. Wasn't going to do the race for life but then my sis-in-law texted me and said she'll run with me. I'm so glad she did. We ran most of the way and finished in 37 mins. Been on a real high ever since, and raised some money 4 a good cause too. Well done me!
Got to go to doctors tomorrow. Having a blood test to check my thyroid function. Had some reflexology to relax me and was told their was a problem with my thyroid gland. I didn't tell dr cos I thought she'd think it was rubbish but told HV and she spoke to dr about it. Apparantly thyroid problems can cause depression ... we'll see!
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 25, 2007 19:13:50 GMT
Monday ... A DAY FROM HELL ...
I've had a rubbish day, a really rubbish day. Nothing has gone right at all. My baby is poorly, my house is a right tip, my car has broken down, a window is leaking, I got no sleep last night .... my legs are killing from yesterday, ... I could go on and on.
I got up in a mood. Theo not sleep well, he's not very well. Went 2 Theo's room this am and he'd managed to open his full bottle of milk and tipped it all over himself and his bed so had 2 bath him. My eldest had wet the bed so thats 2 beds to change... great.
After breakfast Theo starts emptying cupboards and drawers which don't have locks on. I tidy one mess and he starts on the next ... I couldn't look in the end or I'd cry.
Spend ten mins getting boys ready 4 walk to school in the torrential rain. All in waterproofs and welly boots. Still had to change Tomas when we got back he was drenched and so was I.
I desperately needed stuff from supermarket and I missed checking out b4 I lost my online slot. I was gutted about this! Put boys into car and set off to Asda but my car was juddering loads so I drove around the block a few times to see if it would settle. However the window wipers packed up so we couldn't go anywhere!
Back home I'm in such a state. I text my hubby and told him I can't cope, not that he could help. I had nothing in for lunch so Tomas got chicken nuggets and garlic bread??? Poor child. Theo refused to eat a thing and just cried and cried and cried.
This is pretty much how the day has continued. I've been so fed up, I've cried and hyperventilated all day. Was so happy yesterday with my achievement and 24 hours later I'm completely the opposite. I feel such a hopeless mum. I can't cope with the slightest little thing that goes wrong and when lots of things go wrong like today I'm in bits. I wish someone could pick me up and put me back together.
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Post by sianyc on Jun 25, 2007 19:33:58 GMT
Hey Em Sorry about your bloody awful day lovely. It seems like everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Just to make you smile (hopefully) I think mine would love chicken nuggets and garlic bread for lunch Hope tomorrow picks up
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 26, 2007 19:24:26 GMT
Been really up and down today. Up till after half 3 last night then boys up at 6 - nothing new there. Went for reflexology this am - was lovely really relaxing. Just what I needed after yesterday. Was meant to be going shopping with my mum but its flooded - was secretly very pleased. Took Theo to doctors and got him sorted with some medicine so hopefully he'll pick up soon. This afternoon struggled to cope. Done loads of ironing but no other housework and my house is so messy. Its getting me down. Need to put all the flipping ironing away too. I've got so much to remember its all on calendar but I'm still terrified of forgetting something. Over next few weeks lots of events at school, pre-school, nursery, scouts and I'm so worried I'll let my kids down by forgetting one of them. I could hardly breathe when I saw I had no room left on calendar to put some things on. Its so stupid I realise that. As my HV would say to me no-one is going to die or be seriously hurt just because you forget the school disco .... etc. I keep saying it to myself. PLEASE can I have my memory back? ? My OH took boys out this evening so I could calm down and have a bath. I did. He's brill don't know what I'd do without him. Got to see my doctor tomorrow. She wanted to see me about my blood test result and changing my anti-d meds. Luckily got an appointment first thing in morning so I won't spend all day worrying about going.
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 27, 2007 17:37:07 GMT
Wednesday 27th
Went to see my GP this morning. Had my anti-d meds changed as others didn't seem to be doing anything despite taking them for 2 months. Also blood test showed I'm severely anaemic with no feritin stores in my liver. Not surprised really I've hardly eaten for months. Feel quite pleased that there is a physical reason for my extreme tiredness and hopefully that will improve with the iron pills. Going to make much more effort to try and eat properly.
Finding it more and more difficult to cope with everyday tasks. My OH got day off work 2moro because of the floods, I am so pleased cos I was worried about being on my own with kids. The house is such a mess and its getting me down. Can't deal with it now.
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Post by sianyc on Jun 29, 2007 11:18:50 GMT
I know this is not a pleasant subject but make sure you eat LOADS of fibre with the iron tablets or you'll get constipated and that makes you tired and lifeless too.
If the house is getting you down, try doing one room at a time. I found that once I started it was a bit like exercise and I felt better for having worked up a bit of a sweat. Don't do a lot though x
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jun 30, 2007 19:52:50 GMT
Saturday - nearly wrote Sunday - I don't even know what flipping day it is half the time!
I had another bad day yesterday, and tomorrow??? duh today!! not been much better. God what has happened to my mind?? I couldn't face the supermarket yesterday so my OH had to come home after a day at work and go instead. He could see I wasn't good so he took the eldest 2 out for a while. All I wanted to do was curl up on my own and hide from the world.
My new meds make me v sleepy so finally had a few good nights sleep. Last night though they got me off to sleep fine but I woke at midnight and hardly slept after. Struggled today cos really tired again.
I am so so fed up. I don't know what is wrong today. I can't say I'm fed up because ... cos I don't know what the problem is. Need some sleep, hope things look better in the morning.
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