Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 8, 2007 20:41:13 GMT
Thankyou Sian (again)!! I feel bit better knowing what the OT thing is all about.
Had a good day today. Didn't feel particularly tired even after my late night! Took T to feed the ducks this afternoon and went to see a friend this evening and we had a good chat and few glasses of wine. Not done that in ages - bout year and a half. Arranged to meet my sister for a shopping trip tomorrow - day off from the 3 kids - not done that in a very long time either.
Got a letter from the hospital telling me I've been refered by GP to see a psychiatrist. Well even that didn't knock me down. Bit peeed off bout it though. No intention at all of going. Just thinking bout the whole psychiatrist thing scares the hell out of me.
Think it all stems from fact that my brother is ill with schizoprenia - he does need to see a psychiatrist - I'm no where near that ill. I've tried to think of it in terms of other consultants like a paedritrician that sees one child who is terminally ill then their next patient is a kid with mild asthma and its the same difference. I do understand that, maybe I'm just scared of getting a label or being judged as a looney.... Still not going though.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 11, 2007 20:21:35 GMT
It was Theo's first birthday yesterday. We had a lovely day. I organised a party with a bouncy castle and had lots of friends over. Was stressful but coped well. I thought I was going to struggle with his first birthday - not been looking forward to it as it makes me realise how long I've been ill.
Woke up with a hangover today! My 3 year old been in an awful mood all day. Pleased with myself though cos I coped with the 3 of them well today as OH was out. Didn't fall apart when Tomas was having one of his tantrums etc etc. I am starting to feel much stronger in myself. Hope this is the start of things to come.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 13, 2007 13:11:27 GMT
I'm nervous as hell. Gotta go to doctors shortly for smear test - ugh. Put it off for 5 years. My mood been bit down today, think its probably just stress of whats happening later.
Was in a state earlier hyperventilating then crying cos I've couldn't find something. Not been like this since before we went on holiday - bout 3 weeks ago. It doesn't take much to push me off track.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 13, 2007 14:26:41 GMT
Hi Em
It a bit precarious this recovery malarkey isn't it? Once the smear test is over and done with, you'll probably feel a bit better again. Plus, you must be knackered from the stressy kiddy party.
Booze knocks my moods all out and usually gives me a crap few days. I tend not to drink very often now because of that effect.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 13, 2007 21:39:37 GMT
Hadn't noticed any link with my mood and alcohol. I know everyone says don't drink when you are depressed cos its a depressant. I think it would be very easy to become dependent on alcohol when u are feeling down cos I find a couple of glasses of wine makes me feel bit better and improves my appetite - having my second glass of the night now. I am very wary though cos my brother not only suffers from schizoprenia he is an alcoholic too. Its not a path I intend going anywhere near.
The dreaded smear test is over and done with. It was every bit as bad as I remembered. So flippin undignified being a woman. Sooner they make a home testing kit the better ...
Anyway I am very very very proud of myself for actually going. Not had a test done since 2001 so this was a big thing for me. (Don't think the dentist will be seeing me though - not brave enough for that)
I've been listening to a song which has a line in it 'Do one thing every day that scares you' and that's becoming my mantra. Its helping me to face up to things and get myself on track. Today when I was sat in the doctors waiting I just kept thinking that ... one thing that scares me every day ... one thing that scares me every day .... AM I NUTS ?? Glad this is anonymous!
Bedtime ...!
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 15, 2007 18:38:12 GMT
Not feeling too well today. Got an ear infection - really painful and didn't sleep well last night cos of it. My mood is still pretty level and I think I'm still on road to recovery. Back to work in under 3 weeks but trying not to think about it too much. Scary!
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 16, 2007 20:30:15 GMT
In a funny mood 2night. Just feel like shouting f**k you at top of my voice and running away. No maybe not running away but wanna be left alone. Everything and everyone getting on my nerves. Don't know what's going on with me???
Had a pretty good day. OH took boys 2 see grandma so I had a day 2 myself. Did bit of shopping then hours of cleaning and ironing. Feel better when house is tidy but it puts me in a foul mood when I spend ages doing the jobs only for everyone to come in and undo everything.
OH was really pleased with himself when he came home - he'd had a good idea ... always make me think 'God help me' when he says that. He'd decided we could all go sleep at his parents and him and his dad would go to watch a footy match 100 miles away and he'd dump me all day at his parents house with the 3 kids and his mum. Did he really expect me to be happy about that? Don't get me wrong, I don't dislike MIL but - a whole day - without OH 4 support - in their house - NO THANKYOU. Didn't know what 2 say so just went really quiet - he got the message.
Got an appointment with my councellor tomorrow. Was going to cancel it cos I've been feeling so much better. Decided to keep it in the end though so I could talk to her about going back to work. It is the only really big issue for me now. I really don't believe I'll cope with it. My HV said its cos PNI shatters your self confidence. At the moment I am doing really well. I can cope fine with everything I do day to day. The minute something extra happens or something goes wrong I just fall apart. Don't know what I'm expecting from councellor though. It's not going to change anything just telling her that.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 17, 2007 19:13:12 GMT
Been to see my councellor this morning. She said she didn't recognise me cos I look so much better. My sister said the same to me last week. Really do feel like I'm more like myself now. I am a much much happier person.
Spoke to my councellor about the referal I've got to see a psychiatrist. She said in her opinion I don't need to see one, and she said the dr was just covering her back by refering me in case I went downhill. Feel much better about that now. The letter is in the bin!
We also spoke about my one and only worry - going back to work. She said she's sure that once I get back through the door I'll be absolutly fine. We talked about what I'll do if the workload becomes unmanagable again. We also talked about recognising the signs in myself if I start to become unwell again. Then I've been signed off her patient list.
I'm really proud of how far I've come. Yeah I'm still having blips here and there but I'm a completely different person now. I wish I'd got help earlier. The last 3 weeks have really been my turning point. Think its a combination of new meds, iron pills, a holiday and having my OH at home all the time to help as he's on summer hols.
So here's to the future - I'm off to have a glass of wine to celebrate not having to see the councellor again ...!!
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Post by winegirl on Aug 17, 2007 19:50:31 GMT
Hi Emma
So pleased you are turning a corner! I will have a glass of wine with you to celebrate! (like I need an excuse lol)
Hope you have tons more happy times like this!
Love Winegirl x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 19, 2007 20:13:07 GMT
Sunday 19th
Feeling bit low today. How long is it going to take before I stop being so up and down? Have a few really good days and I'm going "Yeah I'm cured, life is great, I can cope with anything". Then I feel pants.
Sat on sofa this morning and I was just staring at the wall like I did when I was really ill. Didn't wanna do anything other than sit and stare at a blank wall. Told my OH I was going to go and get my eldest some shoes ready for school but I never went. Could not face the town centre and sitting in Clarks for an hour.
I went to Asda though as we didn't have a drop of milk in the house and that was much harder to get out of doing. Took all 3 boys with me. They could tell I wasn't feeling myself and the two eldest really played me up. Didn't get all the things we needed I couldn't cope with them. That's not been like me recently either. Was on verge of tears when I walked out of the supermarket but thankfully managed to hold them in. Did well really to get what I got as I didn't wanna even get in the car let alone drive there and get a few things.
A friend invited us over to her house for a bbq this afternoon for her son's birthday. Really didn't want to go and dragged my feet so much we were an hour late and the other people there were already eating. Blamed the kids, but it was me. Just didn't feel up to socialising. Normally things like this perk me up but didn't have that effect today. Tried to hide in the background.
I'm tired. I'm fed up. I feel FAT.... Can't think of anything positive today. Been google-ing tummy tuck surgery. I look so wobbly after having 3 babies. My stomach is the most hideous thing I've ever seen. The loose skin hangs over my c-section scar and its covered in stretch marks. My OH said I can have the op if it will make me happy though he says he doesn't want me to and I'm being daft.
Rambling again.... Going to bed.... zzzzzzzzzzzzz
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Post by sianyc on Aug 20, 2007 10:56:37 GMT
Hi Em Well you just decribed one of my off days perfectly right down to the asda trip where I could just cry . They only ever play up on a crap day Stick with it lovely, the off days get further apart and easier to get over ..... promise x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 20, 2007 19:57:44 GMT
Monday ... What a crappy day...
Started off well. Took boys sledging at x-scape. It was great fun. Just like being a kid again.
However, later on back at home Tomas was playing and hurt himself. It triggered a fit and he swallowed his tongue and turned blue. My OH rang 999 but then managed to pull his tongue back into his mouth and bring him round. Its so scary. I had just started to relax a bit with Tomas its been about 5 weeks since his last fit.
After this he just wanted to sleep so we cancelled the ambulance and let him sleep it off. He slept for bout 2 hours and then he was very quiet and clingy.
He's gone off to bed fine now. I'm in bits. Feeling very teary tonight. Had few glasses of wine but think that has made me feel worse not better. Need a really good cry going to go and lock myself in the bathroom I think and do that now.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 22, 2007 11:41:07 GMT
Hi Em
Don't even try to hold the tears in lovely. Anyone would be very upset by Tomas fitting and I bet everyone here would have been in pieces as soon as he'd gone to bed
How is he (and you) now?
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Post by winegirl on Aug 22, 2007 14:48:51 GMT
Hi Em
How awful for you all. Siany is right, I would have been in pieces too!
How is the little fella doing today? Recovering? You are so amazing to deal with these fits so calmly (you do definately appear calm to me). Hope you feel better for a good cry?
Thinking of you
Winegirlx
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 23, 2007 20:57:40 GMT
Tomas is fine now- thanks!! Doesn't seem to faze him at all and he's back to his usual little self.
Only problem is me and his dad are terrified about letting him do anything. He wanted to play on the trampoline this morning and I came up with 100 reasons why he couldn't. I'm watching him all the time and if I see him hurt himself my heart stops for a second or two whilst I wait for a fit to start. Can't go on like this - seeing dr tomorrow.
Tomas asked us if he can have his 4th birthday party at Brewster Bear's. Had to come up with a reason to explain to him why he couldn't. It broke my heart cos his older brother had all his parties there but there is no way that I could let him loose in a big play area where I could not see him. We've found a pub with a much smaller play area and talked him into having a party there.
I've been really struggling with my mood over the last few days. Think its all the worry about Tomas and going back to work. I've got no iron pills left either so stopped taking them don't know if that might have any effect.
Bet my GP going to tell me to go and see the psych she referred me to when I see her tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to going, but go no choice cos I need to speak to her about my lil man and I need another prescription for my meds.
I feel shite..............
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