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Post by winegirl on Jul 23, 2007 19:52:59 GMT
Hi Emma
Glad your break went ok. I found it horrendous having my baby girl sleeping a foot away from me stuck in a hotel room from 19.00 at night! Think next time we go away I will get us a holiday cottage or something!
Where are you going on holiday? Hope you have a fab time x
Winegirl x
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jul 23, 2007 21:14:34 GMT
We're trying a holiday cottage this time. Still got to have two older boys in same bedroom though - they just giggle and then argue all night long. Theo's in with us in his travel cot so just hoping its a big room. We're going to a village near Whitby - looks really quaint.
Got a phone call from doctors today to say my latest blood test has shown that i'm still anaemic. The receptionist wouldn't tell me if its better or worse than last time got to see the dr on Friday to discuss it. Quite worried bout it cos I've been on iron pills and expected to be better now. Keep feeling like I'm going to faint think this must be why.
Feeling very anxious about Tomas following his fits. I want to wrap him up in cotton wool so nothing can hurt him. But he's a proper little boy and he wants to do everything his 6 year old brother is doing. He went in a soft play area on saturday and I couldn't watch - had to go for a walk and leave OH with him. Today he bumped his face on the trampoline and I was terrified it was going to trigger another seizure - luckily it didn't - he just cut his lip. Guess I'll learn to relax a bit more in time, but its hard now.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jul 24, 2007 0:17:59 GMT
Been to bed, now I'm up again. Its nearly 1 am and I CANNOT SLEEP. I am so fed up and so bl**dy tired. Got all sorts of worries whizzing around in my head and its keeping me awake. Thought I was doing a bit better. I actually wanted to get up this morning and was looking forward to doing things. God only knows what has gone wrong. How can you go from being fine at breakfast time, to feeling really low at bed time? It does not make sense. I feel like I'm not doing a very good job of being a mum to my eldest son. He is 6 and he is a really clever little boy. I'm ashamed to admit that I don't think right now I really 'bond' with him. I don't spend enough time with him, the little ones take up all my energy. I keep getting cross with him and now I've thought about it I think he's just trying to get himself some attention. I must try harder. (That sounds ridiculous!) But hey its true. I did some maths with him earlier and he was so pleased to get some time spent with him and he was upset when I went to bath his brothers. I didn't want Jake when I was pregnant, and I got pni after I had him. I hid it from everyone but my OH must have known. After I had him I still didn't want him, and it wasn't untill he was about 2 and I'd pulled myself through the depression that I realised how much I loved him. I don't know if it is these old feelings that are making me feel so empty towards him right now. Don't get me wrong - I do love him but things just don't feel so natural like they did...? I'm rambling - I know - but if I sit and type out what I'm thinking thought I might be able to sleep after! Just read back what i've written. It sounds terrible and I almost deleted it, but its the truth and I'm going to work on my feelings towards Jake. He doesn't deserve me as a mum . Just so glad he's got a good dad.
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Post by sianyc on Jul 24, 2007 11:17:31 GMT
It's natural that the little ones take up more time. You're doing the right thing trying to spend some time with him on his own - right for you as well as him. I find it reminds me what I like about them and mine are usually a lot nicer on their own!
It's hard to cope with being the different type of mummy that the various ages need at the same time and struggle with PNI. You're doing well, it just doesn't feel like it. Your confidence in yourself will come back lovely along with your 'normal' feelings for the little ones x
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Em
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Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jul 24, 2007 20:41:47 GMT
I hope u are right bout my normal feelings coming back.
Been in bits today. I was awake past half 4 last night so really tired. So much on my mind. I lost my meds so not taken it for 2 days - now I realise how much I am dependant upon it. I cried my eyes out this am and I didnt really know why. Once I got up I felt so dizzy no way I could have left the house. Then later I found my meds and a while after I had taken it the dizziness was gone and my mood picked up a little.
My OH made a remark that upset me. Tomas who is 3 was having a tantrum like most 3 year olds do and was crying. OH turned to me and said no wonder he is crying he just copies what he sees you do. I hardly ever let them see me cry - did this am I admit but I told him I had a really bad tummy ache. Wish OH would think b4 he opens his mouth. MEN ..............
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Post by winegirl on Jul 24, 2007 20:46:41 GMT
Hi Emma
Not a very thoughtful thing for your OH to say! But I'm sure he didn't mean it. Men (my OH included) have a habit of saying some really daft things sometimes - and usually at completely the wrong time!
Hope you manage to get a good nights rest tonight and tomorrow is a bit easier for you x
Winegirl x
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Post by sianyc on Jul 25, 2007 11:20:51 GMT
Like Tomas wouldn't cry and have tantrums if you were Mary Poppins :-) men are such sensitive and sympathetic souls.
Don't worry about being reliant on the meds. If they make your life better and help you cope with the demands of motherhood then they're doing their job. I was always bad if I forgot to take them ..... it would kick in 2 days after the forgotten tablet and I'd have a pants few days until they kicked back in
Take care lovely x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jul 25, 2007 20:54:11 GMT
Thank u 4 your supportive posts! It really helps! Had words with my OH bout his flippant comments he promised me he didn't mean it the way it sounded - yeah right... Feeling really anxious at moment. My memory is awful and I'm terrified of forgetting things. I write everything on the calendar but there is so much on it, its hard to read so that adds to my anxiety. I write a list of things to do then I panic I'm going to loose the list. Its ridiculous - I know it is but I still can't stop the panic. I keep reminding myself continually of the things I need to remember before we go away on Saturday. I know I'm going to have problems sleeping 2night I always do when I'm feeling anxious like this. I keep trying to calm myself by thinking of the things my hv says to me - What will happen if you forget x? Will anyone die if you don't get y? Still feel anxious though. Had to take T back to the hospital today. His jaw has pretty much recovered now and he's eating again. Had to sit and wait 45 mins past my appointment time and we were in and out from the dr in about two minutes. Still very worried about his fits and after he fell off his chair at tea time my heart stopped but he was fine. My friend taking my 2 oldest boys out tomorrow so I'll get a bit of a break - can get on with my holiday packing. U'd think I was going somewhere desolate with way I'm obsessing about what I need to pack - keep having to remind myself they got Tesco etc in Whitby!! Going to try and relax in the bath now with my Closer magazine.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Jul 27, 2007 20:45:28 GMT
Not a happy bunny 2night. Had to see my dr today to get another prescription. She said my HV been to see her and said she's very worried about me and doesn't think I'm showing any signs of getting better. She went on to say that she thinks I should see a psychiatrist. I don't agree. Put me in a foul mood.
She also annoyed me cos I've been getting awful pains close to where my c-section scar is. But, it can't be anything physical wrong with me apparantly - just by looking at my face she diagnosed that when you have pni you imagine pains - so thats what wrong. That's not helped cos the pain is still there and I'm not bloody imagining it, but I am imagining what it could be - and its not nice thoughts I'm having. Booked myself an appointment with nurse for a smear test to put my mind at rest a little bit. Not had one for 6 years kept putting it off.
Going on holiday tomorrow. Can't say I'm looking forward to it. 2 oldest kids sharing a bedroom - they'll be up late every night and early in morning. Baby in our bedroom - he's not going to sleep and will prob take me next 3 weeks to get him back into his routine. God, I'm so negative. I keep trying to make myself be positive - but its not happening!
Please can someone tell me what a psychiatrist is gonna do?? I really don't think I'm that ill. I'm sure I can get myself better, did it last time around. Feel like I don't want to see my GP or HV anymore if they sit around discussing me.
Be back in a week ....
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Post by sianyc on Jul 30, 2007 9:45:38 GMT
Hi Em
Hope you have a good week. It's good that your HV and GP discuss you - it means they care about how you're doing and really want to help.
I think what your GP probably meant was that you get some pyhsical symptoms, like the pain at the C-section scar, but it isn't an indication of something wrong but often another PNI symptom.
I haven't had counselling but often wish I had as it would have meant someone to talk to about all my feelings and thoughts that I couldn't say anywhere but here. I suppose it all depends on how comfortable you are discussing things like that. At the height of my PNI I would have found it mortifying and really stressful.
I would say it's worth a shot. if the GP and HV think it could help then have a chat to one of them about why and how it would work x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 5, 2007 19:10:31 GMT
Home sweet home!
Actually had a really good week away, but its good to be back home. Think a holiday was just what I needed. We had a fab time together doing things we've not done since we've had Theo like cycling and swimming. It was so quiet and peaceful too and so easy to forget all my troubles. In fact it wasn't till I was almost home that I remembered about all the things that were getting to me - psychiatrist, going back to work ... Could not believe I hadnt thought about these things for a week.
Been home a day got a huge pile of ironing - but hey ho its the summer holidays so no pressure.
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 7, 2007 12:57:15 GMT
Had a blip again last night. Been well for over a week - begun to think I was 'cured'. However, last night for some reason I was feeling very fretful and scared. Lay in bed awake for ages then gave up trying to sleep. The tiredness has then made me feel really grotty today. Can't be bothered to do anything.
Theo is one on Friday - finding it hard to accept. Know that probably sounds stupid. I feel like I wasted a year. I should have been able to enjoy him being a baby but it didn't work out like that. My memories of the last year are fuzzy and not particularly happy. This is really playing on my mind. I wish I hadn't got ill.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 7, 2007 15:03:01 GMT
Hi Em
I know exactly what you mean about the fuzzy memories. It feels like I've trudged through most of the last two years. I've only got nice memories from about November on wards when the little one was 13 months old.
The holiday obviously perked you up a lot and has helped you to enjoy some time with your family. Concentrate on how that week made you feel - it's a nice reminder that these crappy few days are just a blip x
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Em
Full member
Mum of 3 lil boys aged 6, 3 and 11 months.
Posts: 142
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Post by Em on Aug 8, 2007 0:31:08 GMT
Thanks Sianyc - It feels good to know that there is someone who understands how I feel! Makes me feel bit less bad.
Feel like I'm going even further down right now. Its 1am and I can't sleep. Didn't have much sleep last night either. Feel like I'm on my way back to where I was. Trying to pull myself together but everywhere I look there is something that gets in my way.
Back to work in 3 weeks. I'm so scared. I am just managing with what I'm doing, I don't think I'll cope with work too. My boss said I got to see some occupational therapist b4 I go back - great. Something else to stress about. I've got no idea at all what thats all about, but no appointment as yet so hoping they've 4gotten about me. My OH stressed cos he thinks they might say I'm not fit to work and he wants me back at work earning some pennies.
My HV meant to be coming 2moro but had a phone call to say she's off sick long term. They said she'll call when she's back at work but don't know when that will be.
Don't know if I should try and get some sleeping pills. Bit worried bout going to see dr though cos she wants me to see a psychiatrist.
Going back to bed now to try and get to sleep.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 8, 2007 10:44:21 GMT
Hi Em
I went back to work with PNI and it was hard. It was also good for me I think. I had 3 days in work when the kids were either in creche or G had them on his day off. I was Sian again rather than mummy. I did have to have my meds put up and was a bit up and down for a few months though.
It was a little different as I went straight back onto an examined training course so the pressure was on a bit. Since the exams finished, I've found work, although tedious a lot of the time, has really helped me to recover. It gives a structure to your week, interaction with grown up people (most of whom will not know about the PNI) and chance to forget about being mummy for a while.
The occupational therapist is there to assess how you are and check if work can do anything to help you. They also just chat to you and find out about why you were off work, why you are coming back now and what you have done to get to that point. My work do it too although I didn't go as I was just under the trigger for a visit (I had a month off sick after my maternity leave ended)
Obviously you're worried about it all and I have to admit I was a bit scared before I went back too. It's not as bad as you imagine - promise x
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