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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 4, 2007 20:47:00 GMT
First day at work tomorrow. Also first time baby will be with a childminder, someone other than family for more than a couple of hours. Whew, am in cold sweats thinking about it. Went to see my priest today, for an ear to listen to. He said I should just tell mum that I'm doing my best and I don't have to justify myself. Went to the mother and toddler group today, it was an exercise class with a fitness instructor. Baby loved it, he shouted all the way through and was laughing. The instructor showed us exercises to do while holding our little uns. Felt good to to some exercise. Though forgot how crap I am at aerobics! I never could get the hang of that grapevine thing!
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Post by cheshire on Sept 5, 2007 14:27:45 GMT
Hi Sunflower,
I remember feeling really apprehensive before my first day back - but it wasn't too bad in the end... I hope your first day back at work went ok?
Hopefulxx
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 8, 2007 13:28:18 GMT
Well first day back at work on wednesday was ok. Nice and low key. I had the office to myself and the phones were nice and quiet. Was hard getting up and out the door so early in the morning but we managed it. My back's quite achy with all the driving though. Was really hard handing baby over to the childminder, but I managed it. Had a bloody good long cry in the toilet once I got to my work though. And another cry in the car on the way home once I had picked him up from the childminders. Then Thursday went to occupational health nurse at work, was able to take baby with me so it reduced the driving a bit as I didn't have to drop him off at the childminder. She will arrange for her colleague to contact me next month once I have been back to work for a bit longer. She is leaving to go to work with an occupational health department at a big newspaper firm. Same money but less days at work. Nice. Back to work next wednesday, a whole day this time, with patients. I know I can do it, you just have to don't you? Things with hubby are strained cos we bought a second hand car that has turned out to be a dud. I want to go back to the dealer and get our money back or a replacement. Hubby wants to trade it in for a new car. Very complicated. We are still very sensitive to what each other says. Taking offence at the most innocuous comments. Baby is the only happy one at the moment. He really is fantastic, I can't believe we have made such a beautiful perfect person.
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Post by monica on Sept 8, 2007 16:54:24 GMT
Hello
Dont' think I've posted before here and just been reading your diary. Glad you enjlyed your first days back at work. It's hard leaving your little one but I found that going back to work gave me time to have adult conversation and distraction and teh babe can get to know other kids. What do you do? (you dont' have to answer if you don't want to).
Your baby sounds so lovely. It's such a lovely age when they can interact with you and do things.
I'm sorry things are hard with your husband. It' doesn't help the PNI side of things either. I think often men and women have different perceptions of how life should be after kids adn often it can be hard finding common ground. Maybe you could compromise? he spends less time in pub (as opposed to not going) and more at home? Often men think that life before kids can go on as normal, don't they, where as we need more support at home. Bf and I have gone through difficult patches after both our kids as it is a diffiuclt time.
Hope today has been good for you
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Sept 9, 2007 14:58:47 GMT
Hi Sunflower
Just wanted to say good luck with your full day on Wednesday! I know you will be fine x Let us know how it goes?
Well done on last week, thats the hard part done x
Winegirl
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 12, 2007 13:30:24 GMT
Well, work again not too bad. Still had that cry in the toilet at work once I dropped him off though. I could see in my mind his wee face smiling at me from under the blanket in his travel seat as I walked away and it was really hard. Its what seemed to set me off crying. Plus I was hungry, needed the loo and had been up since quarter past five getting organised, so that wouldn't help. Had more patients today, but when the carers were on at me about the length of time people have been waiting to get seen I didn't feel guilty at all. They have been getting seen in my absence and all I can do is my best. My deputy head told me that people who have been waiting can wait a bit longer. None of my work is life and death stuff. That took a load off. The assistant was filling me in on the staffing situation. Basically no-one is here, they are all off sick. But not to worry. Soon everyone is due to be coming back next month so things will hopefully get a bit easier. The chap who is buying our house phoned last night to check that everything is all going ahead and find out who supplies the power etc. Saw the arthur daly car dealer on monday. Not a satisfactory conclusion to events. In a way I feel a bit separated from it all. Its like there is so much stress that it actually makes me feel calm, I am just moving through life. I am not sleeping at night at all. It takes me ages to get to sleep even though I am physically quite tired. Not due to go back to the doctor until we've moved house in 11days time! I don't like feeling like I am moaning all the time, plenty other people have it a lot harder. Eg one of my mum's friends son who is two years older than me with two kids under 7 recently died of cancer. Also watched that farenheit 9/11 on channel 4 the other night, couldn't stop crying at the injustice in the world. Life is so unfair and unequal, how can you make your own luck if you have a really low start in the first place. Not breastfeeding baby anymore, he was getting difficult to latch on and kept coming off after a couple of minutes, now he has teeth he was biting me by accident a few times as well.Seems to be doing ok on the bottle so far. My sister's birthday today, glad she got her birthday cards in time. will phone her later on.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 12, 2007 13:41:15 GMT
Hi Sunflower
Glad your day at work ok, and well done on remaining so calm! What a great outlook to take!
Well done x
Winegirl
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 14, 2007 15:15:30 GMT
Thanks winegirl. Think I've been feeling better now that we are getting closer to moving day. We are moving to a village from a town and hopefully the change of location will encourage us to spend more time as a family and not so separate. Eg hubby at work, pub or fishing and me at work or looking after the baby. Moving here originally was a good idea cos it was halfway between both of our workplaces but now I don't think it has been very healthy for me. I feel very isolated and have given up alot of interests I used to have mainly because of the time I have to spend commuting and keeping the house in order. But I feel positive about this new place and hope we will be able to grow together as a family instead of going down a bad road which is what is happening here. In two weeks I will be in the new house! Strange but exciting!
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Post by monica on Sept 14, 2007 15:27:24 GMT
Hi
Good luck with the house move. Pleased that work is ok.
I had real probs sleeping iwth PNI. The anitds helped hugely but also relaxation exercise whe in bed - tensing my muscles and relaxing them. Also deep breathing. Lavendar oil was very good too. Might be worth a try.
Shame about the car dealer not being more helpful - doesn't suprise me. We had probs withthe last car we bought and they were w*****ers! Even though they were in the wrong. If you wish to pursue it, have you tried calling trading standards or CAB?
Monica
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 15, 2007 14:54:42 GMT
Had a really good day yesterday then it all turned terrible at night. Hubby came back from the pub only half an hour late, but we watched a dvd and had a nice night. I drank about 4 glasses of wine, at least a bottle and a bit on not much dinner. He went to bed and was a bit grumpy when I wanted to cuddle and maybe a bit more. He told me to "F*** off" touching his back or he would boot me out the bed. And I just went nuts. He called the police who came and nearly took me away to a police cell for the weekend.Plus he videoed me when I was ranting away and I think he showed the policeman. But he didn't press charges. He has bruises on his body and pain in his shoulder. I've got bruises on my cheek and chin and wrists. My whole body is sore especially my neck. Luckily neither of us has a black eye. I had just been thinking in the park yesterday how good it was that we hadn't been arguing as much this week. I am obviously still very ill but I'm not sure what sort of help I can get. Maybe anger management or something. I feel terrified that he will take the baby off me now. He has been saying for weeks in every argument that he's not the one that's ill. I think the first step is for me not to drink anymore it seems to make me really violent in a way that it never did before I was pregnant. I don't drink during the week and I haven't been really drunk all that often since the baby has been born.I can't believe that I just snapped like that. Totally lost control, its like it wasn't me. Don't know how we can get past this. Things are not the same. He was going to go to his mum's this morning but then said he couldn't face the drive. So we tidied the house together and packed a few boxes for the move a week on Thursday. He's gone to the pub this afternoon, he's still very upset with me. Probably upset with himself for punching me in the face when he was defending himself. I know I don't think I can forgive myself. How can we move on? Should we stay together? How can we find the two people who were so much in love three years ago? Would he even want to give us another chance? If I'm not ill and this is really me, what kind of person have I become? I need to be a better person if I am to do a good job of bringing up my son. How can this have happened to me and I didn't notice? Surely life's knocks can't take the blame for me changing into someone who lets violence control her actions? Questions questions but what is the answer?
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Post by winegirl on Sept 16, 2007 19:16:58 GMT
Hi Sunflower
Sounds like it was drink fuelled to me and the answer is to lay off the stuff!
How have things been today? Have you guys managed to sort it out?
Winegirl x
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Post by monica on Sept 16, 2007 20:20:02 GMT
Oh Sunflower, what a nightmare weekend for you. Please try not to beat yourself up about this. It sounds very much out of character for you and as winegirl said probably was the booze. Cutting it out might well be the solution.
You are ill with PNI and this makes you feel million times worse that you would do normally and also can make you react oddly. Maybe you are the one with this illness, but your oh doesn't help by the sounds of it. Dont' mean to sound judgmental, but it does seem to me as he's running away to the pub/fishing instead of supporting you and this sort of resentment does build up and can make you feel worse (I know as my bf was a complete and utter shit to me when I was ill). Also the stress if feeking low, guilty and a host of other negative emotions can take their toll. this is not you - this is you with PNI and you will recover from it.
Have you talked to hubby today? Would a heart to heart with him help? Surely he can see this is out of character. Perhaps write him a letter if you find that easier than a face to face conversation - he might find that easier too.
Take care and please let us know how you are doing
monica
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 17, 2007 10:54:48 GMT
Well we did have a heart to heart talk. He phoned his Dad but I feel so ashamed I can't talk to anyone. He wants us to stay together but I've got to sort myself out. Plus he thinks I need to get fully back to work as soon as possible he thinks it will help me to be around other adults apart from him. He said that if it happens again that's us finished. He said that he has had a shit life and when he met me he realised that life could be really good. But he had not been beaten up like that since he was fifteen. I said that I didn't recognise myself anymore. I used to be so confident and went holidays myself, climbed mountains and glaciers in New Zealand that was who he fell in love with. He said he just wanted to forget about Friday night. He also said he would be watching me like a hawk from now on. Which makes me feel worse. Like I'm not allowed to make a mistake. We went to a car boot sale with his sisters yesterday and then shopping and climbing at the climbing centre with my brother. So we weren't really alone for a long time without having to go somewhere or be around other people.Hubby was making a real effort to be normal. But it is still hanging in the air betweeen us.I know that it will annoy him that I am so miserable so I have to pick myself up eventually. My sleep is still disturbed, either can't sleep or feel on the verge of sleep. Feel sick but hungry at the same time and a wee bit dizzy. Need to go now and change the wee fella so we can go out for a walk, get some fresh air. Need to get back to better days.
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Post by monica on Sept 17, 2007 15:49:55 GMT
Hi
Glad you've talked with other half and got things out in teh open. I'm sure things will settle in time. If he's had an abusive past he's bound to be extra sensitive to such stuff and probably less liekly to understand such behaviour.
But it would help you if he understood that PNI is not something you recover from overnight (wouldn't that be great!) Although your violent ouburst the other night is unlikely to reccur, there are ups and downs with PNi as you recover. Sometimes you will feel like shit. BUT YOU WILL RECOVER.
Gettign understanding and support from your other half helps hugely. Perhaps you could outline specific things he could do to help you eg. make monday night a family ngiht instead of going to pub, giving you extra cuddles when you need them, tryign not be so abrupt when you need a cuddle but he doesn't want to give you one, giving you a ngiht off with babe soo you can do something for yourself. Soemtimes with men, they're not good at being emotional supportive but better at doing practical things (mine was like that - his only emotional advice was to pull myself together!)
It's sounds liek he loves you very much and clearly does not want your realtionship to end and that's really good. But you do need some emotional support whether it's from him or someone else.
Please believe me you will recover and these horrible days will end.
Monica
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Post by sunflower2007 on Sept 18, 2007 15:25:24 GMT
Thanks Monica, it is so hard to admit being ill and see light at the end of the tunnel. Still feeling guilty about my loss of control on Friday night. I could have put him in hospital and our nearest A&E is 15 miles away. Things still a bit strained. He woke up this morning saying how sore his body was and I didn't say anything. Didn't know what to say, I made him a Lemsip as he requested but the implication was he was sore from my outburst. He said yesterday he wants to forget it and move on but I can't tell if these are deliberate little digs at me. Or how long I am going to be on the receiving end of such comments. Doesn't help that the elderly neighbour downstairs had a go at him on Saturday about the police coming on Friday night. The man always gets the blame. My face is going yellow now, though the bruise on my chin is black. I think everybody is staring but no-one so far has come outright and asked me what happened. Don't know what I'll tell them.Its like a bad dream I can't wake up from. Doesn't help that the baby has a cold and is grumpy. He has said in the past before this happened that we don't go out on our own enough now the baby's here. Also he says that he does everything that I ask of him but its never enough. He is not naturally cuddly and has always been quite rude when he is semi-asleep so he says I'm trying to change him too much. He does work very hard, long days and nights which tires him out more. Last week he was early shift so he was out of the house for 0500. This week he is back shift and so was still in bed when I got up at 0600 to make up the baby's feed and sterilise bottles and make breakfast. I was making too much noise and the microwave was interfering with the TV in the bedroom so he was grumpy about that. It put out my morning routine because I couldn't sterilse the bottles at the normal time or take a shower. Walking on eggshells a bit. He hasn't changed, he has always been grumpy in the mornings before his coffee and cigarette, I'm just more sensitive than I used to be. Work again tomorrow then two weeks off to pack and move before going back full time. Hopefully will get the car back by Friday, the guy should have everything fixed by then. Feel good that I stood up for myself against the trader. I felt so cheated and wronged and unsafe in the vehicle I couldn't let it lie. Just been to see my friend for lunch, was quite nice to chat to another adult about stuff. Hopefully we'll keep in touch when we move. Here's to a better day tomorrow.
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