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Post by winegirl on Mar 6, 2008 19:21:23 GMT
Hi Nishka Glad you are feeling more upbeat right now! As for the drugs they might be giving you, if you do start to feel sick on them you can get some drugs over the counter called Bucastem, that i swear by as anti nausea and sickness tablets! I am emetephobic (fear of sickness) and have tried loads but these really do work, but you should check that they dont mix with any other drugs first. And if it is any consolation, i only got paid last week and am overdrawn already too! Must try harder next month! Take Care WG x
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Post by sunflower2007 on Mar 6, 2008 23:37:21 GMT
Hi Nishka Good to hear you are feeling upbeat. Really glad the consultant appointment went ok. Its good to have some answers and reassuring to have a plan of action.
Thinking of you
Sx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 7, 2008 23:02:12 GMT
Hiya
Meeee again. Thanks for the replies and winegirl I will definitely bear that in mind. I don't know how bad the sickness is going to be yet but its good to know there may be something out there that I could possibly take to make things a bit better.
I have had a rubbish day at work.
The old woman I don't get on with drove me nuts all day. I have to go to London on Monday with my friend from work (a woman friend) to help run a course for work. Basically the responsibility for covering reception falls to the old bag and she has done nothing but moan ever since she found out - it isn't even my fault, my boss asked me to go!! She has totally blanked me all day and slammed doors and stomped about. Its like having a child with a bad mood. All because she has to cover reception ! - She can even do her own work - the computer is set up to show anyones screen, I don't know what on earth is going on with her. She drives me absolutely mad.
I also have no motivation for work anyway. I sat there all day today messing about on the net, which I know is naughty but I just can't be bothered to do anything. I was given some data cleansing to do and I did a few names and then I ended up on the net again. I just don't care enough about it to do it really.
Mr F was really naughty today. He waited till I had my lunch and came and sat in the kitchen with me. I have to say I wasn't the most friendly of people because the old woman had driven me crazy. I just sort of sat there with my newspaper and he kept trying to make conversation inbetween eating a bowl of Cheerios. He was telling me all about how successful he's been this month and how much business he's secured for the company and how I will be pleased because I will get a share of some of the profits in the profit share scheme (which I thought was a bit big headed of him bu hey ho!) Fair enough. We then chatted a bit about what was going on in the newspaper (during which time he suddenly needed to rearrange the cereal packets in the cupboard directly above where I was sitting...)
I think he realised I was a bit fed up with him because he went off half way through the hour of lunch. Perhaps he had work to do or whatever. I just didn't have the energy.
Anyway a bit later on in the afternoon he comes running past pretending to be an areoplane (yes really - 40 year old director that he is pretending to be a airplane!!) just trying to get me to laugh I guess. He stopped after the second time and asked me what was wrong. I said I am just tired and a bit fed up. He said why and I explained that I had been to the hospital this week and they were going to put me on some different pills (didn't mention the whole trying to conceive thing) - that wasn't even the truth really, but I didn't want to go into a big thing about the woman at work etc. He said would some chocolate cheer me up? I said perhaps and he suddenly vanished and put his coat on and got his car keys and went out. I didn't know what he was up to. About 20 mins later he came back with a huge easter egg for me in my favourite chocolate!! (Which he'd also checked was vegan). I didn't know what to say... I was a bit embarassed to be honest. I said, I can't have that! I feel really bad now! and he said, "No, no you should have it". So we had a bit each....
Oh dear. I don't know what to do about all this. Its becoming a bit awkward.
This weekend I have A with me... I don't know what we are going to do... We don't have hardly any money so I mustn't spend much. Hubby is working.
Oh well another fun weekend!! lol
Nishka xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 8, 2008 10:56:39 GMT
Hi Nishka
Goodness me Mr F does like you doesnt he! How sweet to getthat to try and cheer you up! Bless x
Hope your weekend goes ok with A - if in doubt the park and library are free...
Take Care
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 9, 2008 22:21:06 GMT
Oh god I have had such a crap weekend.
Not so much in terms of things I have done - by all appearances its been great. I took A to the cinema to see The Waterhorse on Sat followed by a Pizza... I know, I know I am rubbish with money. We did have a lovely time though and I felt human again instead of this person scrimping and saving all the time that I seem to have become since we moved to our new house up here in Norfolk. Hubby works sats so it was just me and A.
Today we all went swimming which was fun.
Its the rest of the time that was a load of pants. A has been completely bored apart from the times we went out. She just can't amuse herself (prob my fault keeping her so busy most of the time I know!!) and she doesn' t know how to do anything on her own. It becomes really exhausting after a while and I find myself getting depressed and really short tempered with her. I end up saying, "Whatever, just leave me alone for ten mins!" and getting really fed up. I feel awful afterwards. She kept trying to make 'adult' conversation with me - ie I was trying to read the newspaper and she kept asking me "Whats going on with the world??" - just to get involed with me. I felt horrible. But then we did go to the cinema etc so life's not all bad. I swing between thinking I don't do enough and that I do too much. I don't know why I have to analyse being a mum so much anyway. I am sure 'normal' mums don't, it's just having had PNI makes you more self judging I guess.
So thats A.
And then I have had hubby driving me nuts. Last night we stayed up really late chatting in bed about how fed up he is with his weight (he's not overweight - he's 6ft and about 14 stone btw) and he says he doesn't want to have sex because he isn't happy with himself.... I feel really unloved. We are physically close in other ways but I hate him not wanting me sexually, I find it really hard esp when in previous relationships I have always been the one doing the turning down! I feel sorry for him being so depressed as I know what thats like of course but I don't know how to help. I suggested we go to the gym together (hence the swimming today) but to be honest with me being a bit ill at the moment I don't know realistically if I can do that for him. I don't hardly have any energy as it is with my thyroid probs and pituitary tumours etc... I just want him to be happy. Of course I tried reassuring him that I love him as he is (in fact I honestly prefer him now to when we met and he was a skinny thing!) but he can't let it go. He says his clothes don't fit him and he doesn't like his man boobs and tummy. He says he hates himself. I feel really down about it all. I just want to be with him being happy- I have been miserable so much of my life weight is such a small issue to me. I would rather he be even larger and happy (and want to sleep with me!) than be like this. I have even tried arguing that sex helps you to lose weight (!) but no use.
I am feeling really down. I just want to be happy and have a happy home life but that seems destined not to be!
To top it all off, my ex is saying he wants to take A to France in May or June to go and spend time with his girlfs family out there. Part of me is okay about it - I mean, he is her dad and he has her on his own a lot anyway and I am sure he will be responsible. But the other irrational part of me is saying NOOOOO I don't want her to go out of the country and so far away from me....
I can't let it go.
Tomorrow I am in London all day doing something for work and I am fed up with that as well. I didn't move out to Norfolk to have to commute back into London for work... I just feel that when I have done this once they will expect me to do it again for them. This is not the life I thought I would have.
Excuse me while I just go and cry into my pillow.
What a miserable person I am. xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 10, 2008 8:36:43 GMT
Hi Nishka
Just wanted to say that regardless of the circumstances, I would really never want my LO to be in a different country to me! It is difficult because your Ex should be able to do this, but I wouldnt feel comfortable with ANYONE taking my little girl to another country without me being present!
Totally understand where you are coming from with that one!
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Post by sianyc on Mar 10, 2008 11:26:49 GMT
Me too! Gary's mum wanted him to take the kids up to Scotland when he was off at half term and I had to work. I just couldn't do it! Mad or what - I spend most of the year looking forward to breaks from them and I couldn't stick the thought of them not being here for 5 days.
I'm taking them up over Easter on my own and it doesn't really bother G :-)
The weird thing with this one is I suppose you have to let him don't you? She'll miss you loads though. My sister has an almost 11 year old stepson who stays every weekend and goes on holiday with them every summer. He gets very homesick for his mum and younger sisters when they're away.
Does she want to go or doesn't she know yet?
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Post by sunflower2007 on Mar 10, 2008 21:05:56 GMT
Oh Nishka, I am so sorry you had such a difficult weekend emotionally. Is there anybody your hubby would talk to about feeling so low? Would he go to the doctor? What a huge load you have on your mind if hubby can't help you with your worries about A going to France because he is so low himself. With regard to his tummy and man boobs, Bruce Lee kept his tummy toned with one of those electric machines that the pads make the muscle contract. An early version of Slendertone I guess, minimum effort required!
Thinking of you and sending you a huge zen hug,
Sx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 12, 2008 10:38:43 GMT
Hi everyone
Thanks for your replies. I am feeling just terrible about A going to France with her dad but I can't say no. If I did all the hard work we have done to get this far in terms of getting on okay would be going to waste. I will be a complete wreck for the whole time she is away. She has never been away from me for more than a few days (4 at most) so a week is going to be torture. I think I will need sedatives to get through it!! I just keep telling myself that its not even till May so I have to try and calm down... I don't even want to get her a passport. But the thing is he only has to apply to the court and he would get parental responsibility as he is on the birth certificate so there is not much I can do really. I am so depressed about it all. It was only 3 years ago that I was writing off to the passport agency to stop him getting a passport for her, and here I am filling in an application form for him. What a nightmare life is.
I am feeling down about life in general and my ex and A etc. This year is going to be tough for me since he is having A over Christmas (as we did last year) and he is also having her for the four easter days holiday. Sometimes I feel with me working full time and being a single parent to A (despite me being married you know what I mean) I only see her for a whole weekend every other week. Life is not fun really.
One of the reasons I would love to have another child is that we won't ever have to have child free weekends or Christmases. It is so lonely when A is not there. I am not saying I want another child to replace A, thats not it at all and I am sure the pain of not having A there at times will still be as great but at least I would have a LO to help keep my mind busy and not dwell on all the bad things.
Hubby is still feeling low but he seems a bit better than he was. He is staying over at his friends tonight as they are all going out on a work do and the trains back to our village stop early so he will have to stop over his work mates. It's going to be weird being on my own tonight. And then at the weekened he is going to London to see his family (who you know I don't get on with so I am not going) so I will be on my own from Friday to Sunday. I might as well be a single parent at this rate.
Last night I sat crying my eyes out to sad FM again. Hubby came in and asked me what was wrong, I told him everything, my whole life is wrong. He thinks it is to do with him and I said only because I don't know why we're not happy when we should be. He says he is happy - he was just having a blip. I said that I feel like a complete failure because I am stuck doing a job that I hate when I could have gone to university and done something exciting with my life.. Hubby said why don't I do that then? Is he mad?? We can't even afford to live as it is with me working full time let alone me packing it in and going to uni - let alone the fees. I know he was trying to make me feel better but sometimes I feel he is on a different planet.
I just feel like my whole life is not how it was supposed to be. I gave up my chance of going to uni to have A and be with S like a proper housewife. I just wanted to be a good mum and to be happy. But what happened to me? I got PNI, I hated my baby, I hated being at home and my relationship went down the pan. So now I am stuck in a job I hate, shuffling A back and forwards every other week, no prospects no life. If I wasn't religious maybe I would kill myself. I am so fed up. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to. My life is just going to be one long hard slodge uphill. Hubby doesn't seem to want to look for a better job and at this rate we aren't even going to be able to have a baby with my health problems.
Gosh what a depressing soul I am.
To top it all off I have the spots from helll which might sound trivial but for someone who doesn't normally get spots its really getting me down. I am sure it's because I have come off the pill. I look like a spotty teenager, and you know what its bloody sore as well. I think I forgot how painful having acne can be!!
I am so depressed and so down. My life is empty.
So thats me. I am not expecting some miracle answer because I know these things come and go and I will prob be feeling a bit better maybe next week but right now I just to fall in a hole and never come out again.
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Post by winegirl on Mar 12, 2008 12:11:43 GMT
Hi Nishka
Oh hun I am so sorry you are feeling so down. Its spooky because I was having the same converstaion with my hubby last night about how I wish I had gone to Uni like the rest of my mates and made something of myself. I really wanted to be a mental health nurse and would love train but we too coant afford for me to do it. I know how down it gets when there feels like no way out.
As for A going to france with her dad, I think the only thing you can do to make yourself feel better about it is to know what a fabulous time A will have, and think of how happy she will be to go to france. I know it will be tough for you, i wouldnt like it either! But it will all be worth it if she has fun there.
If it helps on the advise front I have just started a distance learning course, to try and improve my chances of working in the field i want to. I used a company called NCC Home Learning. It is tough whilst working full time, being a mum, a wife etc... but it is a positive step to try to aim to something to loof forward to.
Will check back in later to see how you are doing hun xxx
Keep hanging on in there babes x
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 12, 2008 12:39:04 GMT
Thank you winegirl.... its nice to know I am not alone in feeling this way if anything else! I will have a look at the NCC options... Its something I might consider, as long as its not too expensive!! I did an Open Uni course a long time ago and I finished that (diploma in social sciences, the foundation year for a psychology degree) but I stopped after that and the next part of the course costs £700!! Ouch!!
"No way out" is exactly how I feel right now. I know other people are happy just to be where I am now, and I wish I could feel like that. But I don't think I will ever be happy just carrying on like this. It will always feel that something is missing in my life and that I basically screwed my life up because thats not how my life was meant to be.
I know you are right about A going away with her Dad. I just have to keep telling myself that she will be having a fab time (I hope) and that there is nothing I can do so I will just have to get on with it.
Thanks again and hope you are okay too.
Nishka xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 12, 2008 12:49:23 GMT
No worries Nishka
The course i have done is juat a certiicate in mental health awareness and it cost just over £100, i would have really kiked to go to degree level with the OU, but dont have 16 hours a week to put in right now!
There are options out of what you are doing right now, your first thing to do is to figure out exactly what you want to do. And then research every possible way to do it, alot of things can be achieved whilst still working to keep the income. Unfortunately it cant happen for the field I want to work in, but many many fields of work can be sorted with distance learning.
I hope your day picks up hun, and you are not sufferig with these mad gales that we are here (nottingham) x
WG x
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Post by sianyc on Mar 12, 2008 14:06:21 GMT
Hi Nishka
When was A born? Only asking cos if it was 2002 then he doesn't automatically have parental responsibility even if he is on the birth certificate. That all came in for 2003.
You're right though I think in saying that you have to let her go to not lose the hard work you've put in with your ex. Not that it's any comfort but you are the one being mature about it and showing him you can be reasonable. I would hate to have to make that sort of decision myself as my reaction would be eactly like yours - how the hell am I going to cope with her being away!! I'm not much good at overnight stays with work cos it feels wrong not being in the house with them. A will appreciate it though. You're showing her that you and her Daddy are civil to each other. She'll grow up knowing that she can go with him without upsetting you (even though it does obviously)
Does that make any sense?
I went to Uni and although it was fab and I wouldn't change going, I have a job that's in no way related to my degree. I had to study again with 1 then 2 kids and pass exams to get the job I have now. I have student loans for £8000 which I never go over the threshold to pay back (I have one of the old style loans cos I'm officially over the hill and studied before fees came in!). You haven't missed much by not going is what I'm getting at. I had no idea what I wanted to do until I was about 25 and had found a job I quite liked and wanted to move up the ladder. I didn't even need any degree to get onto the course!
You're 27 which is very young as far as careers go. I would really recommend having a look round at what you fancy and researching how you could do it whilst still working. Like WG says it is a slog but worth it cos you're getting where you want to be x
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Mar 13, 2008 19:44:47 GMT
Hi Nishka you gorgeous, but very sad lady, Come on now, let me give you a big kick up to cyber bum and remind you how bloody marvellous you are woman!!! Did you go back on the tablets at all or talk to your GP about how down you've been getting recently? You're being so brave and mature sorting the trip to France with your OH and you could always try to book some nice things with just you and your OH while A is away, try to make the days pass quicker and maybe you'll even find something positive about the time you have childfree. Not that you won't miss her every second of every day but a massage or a meal out might help you smile a bit Siany's right about the degree thing. I did English and IT which I did then need to become a lecturer and do my PGCE, but now I'm going into children's centre work which is totally unconnected and that came about from volunteer work and experience. Tell us what it is you really wanted to do/be and I'm sure if we all put our heads together we can help you think up a positive plan of action. You're a little spring chicken and you ahve plenty of life to look forward to, so let's not let a little thing like money stop you. I'm certain from talking to you on here that the world is a better place for having you in it Nishka and I'm sure your OH and A will definitely share that view. Come on you Star, don't let the PNI win, you're a super fighter and I'm here cheering you on along with everyone else on this site. xxxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 14, 2008 9:46:11 GMT
Hi everyone
You are all so kind... thanks for the replies. When I am so down on myself its always a bit of a surprise to come and find so many people taking time to write to me. I don't know what I would do without you all. Thank you.
Sianyc - A was born in Aug 2003. I talked to a solicitor last year about the whole parental respons thing and she said that although ex doesn't automatically have it all he would have to do is apply to the court and they would more than likely give it to him as well since he is named on the certificate and doesn't have anything negative registered against him in terms of his conduct with me and A. So thats fun.
I think you are both making good points in that having a degree doesn't neccessarily mean that your life is going to be ten times better and you would have a wonderful high paid job relating to that degree etc... I can see that. Its just I get really frustrated with it all.
Throughout all my years in school you see I was always way top in my class, so much so I won a scholarship to a really good private school for 6th form to do my A levels - we didn't have to pay anything (which was good because we were so poor!!) However I couldn't get on with the schooling style there and I was desperately unhappy and I left after one year. All the others looked down on me because I didn't have the same money they did and so on...I was miserable. So I decided to leave.
I went to another (normal adult) college and started my A levels all over again (so I mucked up a year basically). I started working part time in the pub and thats where I met ex incidentally. I did 3 A levels - Psychology, English and History. I got an A in psychology, a A in English and a B in History. All throughout the course my tutors were trying to talk me into applying to Cambridge and Oxford and I went there to visit etc etc. I was deeply into psychology - my mums mental illness when I was little made me want to get involved in it in the first place and then I became completely focused on wanting to work with criminals (as in mental hospital prisions etc). My psychology teacher and I had a bit of a spark between us and he arranged for me to go on a day trip with him to Broadmoor (yep infamous psy prison) because he had a friend who worked there and he managed to sneak me in as a trainee. So I spent an amazing day there - soooooo interesting. When I went there I thought, thats what I want to do - I want to be a psychiatrist here. I was soooo dedicated. So I applied to do psychology at 6 different universities through UCAS - in the end I didn't apply to Ox or Camb because I was in love with S and I didn't want to leave him. All the unis including UCL and Kings College accepted me. I had the world at my feet.
So what did I do?
Like any stupid woman in love, I turned them all down. S and I wanted to buy a house and start a life together so I turned them all down and went out and got a job. I planned to return to uni at some stage but it just never happened. I did do the first year of a course with the OU - which counts as 60 points towards a psychology degree but I never got passed that stage.
I just so desperately wanted to be a psychologist working with criminals. Not just any criminals but the really screwed up ones in Broadmoor and Ashworth and so on. Thats what I wanted to do. And to do that you can't just be an okay psychologist - you have to be the best. Which means a great degree from a great university, starting young and working your way up. Thats why I feel so desperately depressed because I know at 27 I am still young but not in that particular field. I just feel like its imposssible.
I have been looking at the OU website and wondering if I could get back into it all again.. I am just as nervous of trying and failing as I am of not trying at all if that makes sense. I worked out that hubby and I would get some money towards doing a degree (not all but some) so perhaps I could do it. To get to what I want to do though I need a degree recognised by the British Psychological Society and the OU is one of the unis which do this (not all do). Without this I can't become a psychologist.
So thats where I am. I don't know what to do. I don't know what would be worse - to try and fail than to never have tried at all.
That sounds pathetic but I am sure you know what I mean.
Its been so long since I did any studying!
I am so lonely this week as well..... Hubby is going to be in London this weekend and I am going to be on my own with A.. I don't know how I am going to cope.
I am beginning to feel completely fed up with my work as well. I have lost all interest in it and I just can't be bothered to do anything. I am amazed they haven't said anything to me yet. I feel that I don't even care if I do get sacked because maybe it might spur me on to do something else...
Hmmmm.
Miserable old git aren't I really??
Funny enough I am a little better though. I think just finding out about the courses and thinking about my future has made me a bit more positive... even if nothing actually comes of it right now.
Thanks everyone xxx
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