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Post by Scarlet on Mar 14, 2008 10:02:21 GMT
Hi Nishka, I am so sorry that you didn't get to pursue the career you wanted But you can still do it hun, you are young enough. It took me 6 years to do my Psychology Degree, first two years P/T at Uni, and the last 4 with the OU... all whilst working F/T. I also studied a Diploma in Maths prior to my degree because I thought I was going to do a BSC in Maths, until I realised that I had no interest in Maths really. Did you check to see if you would be eligible for financial support with the OU? www.open.ac.uk/studyatou/apply/financial-support.shtmlxxxxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 14, 2008 20:35:39 GMT
Hi scarlet,
Thanks for the reply... yeah I have checked about the finanical support and I would get something towards the cost (but not much) so I suppose it is an option. I am going to have a long hard think about it all this weekend. Thank you for sharing your experiences with me- and WELL DONE for managing to do your psychology. Thats great, it's given me some inspiration. xx
I had a silly afternoon today at work which was fun and helped to take my mind off everything else. God knows I needed some fun.
Hubby and I have hardly seen each other all week - he's been out on work do's with his mates and stayed over at his friend Nicks house on Weds night then yesterday he came home and went to bed and slept from 6.30pm to 6am!! Then today he has gone down to London to stay with his mum till Sunday... So I may as well be a single parent this week. It feels like it. I am so lonely and fed up.
At work Mr F and I were chatting and being silly.... We had a course on in the office and they had some chocolate cake and we were both hoping there would be a piece left over. Luckily there was so we both grabbed a slice each and sat in the kitchen having a giggle...
We were talking about music and one of our other work colleagues came in (a rather posh sounding lady who is a top sales consultant) ranting on about how she only likes classical music etc etc. Fair enough but its the way she takes over the chat which is frustrating!!
Mr F tried to be funny and said that he likes Kelly Rowland but not for her music-!- and C goes, "So you're a tits man are you then?" (!!!) Mr F was a bit embarassed -- he's not good at crude banter, and he said something like "I'll take what I can, I don't get a lot of it!" just being silly. C took it to mean he was being serious and she suddenly started going into all this stuff about how no one has so much sex when you have small children, you have to make time, when they are older it should get easier, you have to use the mornings etc etc.... CRINGE!! Mr F was sooooooo bright red!! Bearing in mind the sort of flirting between us I don't think either of us wanted to be involved in that sort of conversation!!
Mr F said something along the lines of "I'm too tired for all that!" and tried to change the conversation but she kept going on and on.... She even turned to me at one point and said, "Your children are a bit older than T's, do you find more time for sex now?" and I was just speechless!!! I didn't know what to say!!
I am not a prude by any means or stretch of the imagination but I mean its not the sort of thing you want to discuss in the kitchen at work is it???
All of a sudden C just said that she had to go and she walked out leaving me and Mr F just standing there really embarassed!! He turned to me and raised his eyebrows and said, "OH MY GOD... she's mad!!" I agreed with him... He said it beat his usual afternoon of sitting talking to his OAP secretary!
The funny thing after that was that we ended up talking a lot more openly about all kinds of things... We started talking about our kids listening to pop music and how explicit some of it is and he was saying how some of it is like soft porn.... I wasn't sure whether it was the best conversation to have! LOL
He is climbing mountains this weekend.. his wife is with the kids and he is away with one of his friends from the gym. I don't know how he gets the energy. I asked him that and he pulled out an apple he had and shouted "Sports candy!" like sportacus from Lazytown... lol
I picked up my new prescription pills today so I am going to start on them tomorrow. I don't know what they are going to do to me but I hope they bring my periods back!!
I am all alone tonight... I hate being alone. I used to enjoy it but now I just worry about people breaking into my house and me being bored on my own.
Oh well...
Lots of lovexxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 14, 2008 22:02:33 GMT
Hi Nishka
If in doubt tonight, just go to bed! I actually love being on my own in the house at night (rare as it is), but once upon a time I HATED it and felt really uneasy, I would find that if i just went to bed and went to sleep it was all ok!
Will be around on and off tonight if you need to chat for company xx
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 14, 2008 23:06:02 GMT
Thats prob the best idea winegirl... lol... I am going to go up to bed in a min. I think I am okay... Its just horrible being on my own in the house.. every little sound I think someone is breaking into the house. I have nightmares about waking in the night and finding someone in my room but I know thats soooooooooo rare I would have to be extreeeeeeemely unlucky for that to happen!
Oh well will try and get some rest.
Have a good evening xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 15, 2008 9:23:21 GMT
Hi Nishka
How did it go last night? Did you manage to sleep ok?
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 15, 2008 16:08:32 GMT
Hiya
Thanks xx
I managed to get to sleep eventually - I did find it hard at first but I think I got so tired I couldn't stay awake any longer!!
I took my first pill of the new medication... I am feeling a bit sickish today but its early days yet. I just hope my periods come back!!
I took dd for a walk with our dogs over some nearby fields which tired everyone out (including me!!) and then we went to the garden centre and I brought some new houseplants.. and some bright red pots for them to go in! They look pretty snazzy.
Not as bad a weekend as I thought.. Tonight LO is sleeping in my bed and we are doing a DVD sleepover thing.. She is really excited about it. Aww.
Lots of love to all,
Hope you are all having good weekends xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 15, 2008 19:54:26 GMT
Awww Nishka that sounds great! Cant wait till my LO can watch a dvd in bed with me! Hope you have a lovely night xx
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 18, 2008 13:49:23 GMT
Hiya
Me again.
Well I am feeling a bit better. SHOCK HORROR!!
I started taking the medication and I haven't noticed the side effects - hooray!! (Maybe thats just cos I am so ill and sick all the time anyway tho lol)... so at least thats something...!! I don't know if my periods are going to come back or my spots are going to go but I guess all I can do is hope!!
Nothing much else has been happening.. I have been trying hard not to think about A going away with her dad (gulp!) although I have applied for her passport as much as my heart is heavy and I am just trying to get on with it.
She is at her nannies with him (her dad) this easter weekend so I am going to have to amuse myself .... But I have booked the week off work next week so that should be good. I could do with a break. I think I need to be away from work and just be at home for a bit.
I have been trying to lose some weight. I am getting heavier and heavier. I am now 11 stone (at 5ft 6) and although I know that isn't VERY heavy it's the heaviest I have ever been and it's making me miserable. I have been jumping up and down on the mini trampoline and yesterday me and hubby actually went swimming!! Wow! In the evening... we put A to bed and my mum who was at home anyway just listened out for her.... We spent an hour swimming about. I think hubby managed about 5 lengths! I couldn't do any whole lengths but I managed a good swim here and there. It was really fun... but I tell you what I think my whole body is not happy with me today!! I am dead on my feet!! I told Mr F I was feeling really crap and he said "That means you need to do it more often!" and I said, "Yeah, like once a year!" lol
Mr F is quite down again at the moment. His wife is still having probs with her periods and the endometriosis. She won't have a hysterectomy even though thats what the docs say she has to have. They have now found a lump in her womb (which they suspect is some of the old blood and lining of the womb) and they are sending her for a scan. He is naturally quite worried and doesn't know what to do to help her. Embarassingly enough we ended up talking about my probs with my periods (blush) which I didn't really mean to do but you know what conversations are like !! I ended up telling him that I don't have periods - period ! lol... (sorry, bad pun!) He was really interested and we chatted about it for a while and about if I wanted to have any more children - I didn't dare say I am trying at the moment (or when my periods return) as he is sort of my manager and I don't know if I want them at work to know that yet... But nevertheless it was quite a strange conversation to be having and I did sort of wonder afterwards whether I should have shared that aspect of my life! But then I guess he was telling me about his wife so its all relative I spose!! (And the funniest thing was that all this was talked about over a shared large bar of galaxy chocolate!! - so much for the losing weight!!)
Hubby is off work today (and I am at work) so I don't know what he's going to be doing round the house. He is supposed to be taking pictures of our second car in the garage because we want to try and sell it to make some money - we don't use it, it's just sitting in there from when I brought it optimisitically from my ex's mum. But I don't think I am up to learning to drive right now. I am too stressed out with everything else in my life and its too much for me. Anyway I can learn to drive in mums car and we never go out without each other anyway so I don't need a second car.
The money would be more useful!
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 18, 2008 18:43:23 GMT
Hi Nishka
Glad you are feeling a bit better hun! Well done on going swimming, i keep trying to persuade my hubby to go with me but he isnt having a bar of it! I too am trying to lose weight and have started yoga which is good, but I do have one of those mini trampolines so might nick your idea and dig it out!
Hope you have a lovely time with your break from work over easter! Anthing planned?
WG x
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Post by sianyc on Mar 19, 2008 19:22:14 GMT
I've found walking has helped a lot - me and my sister so for 40 minute walks three times a week and it's made me loads fitter. I've not lost any more weight yet but then I've been inhaling chocolate for months so that could be why! It has altered my shape and made my baby belly smaller - people have commented that I've lost weight so it must be working somehow :-)
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 21, 2008 13:43:30 GMT
Hiya again
Thanks both of you.... Winegirl get that hubby out with you! You should lock him out of the house unless he agrees to go swimming with you lol... Have you managed to get the little trampoline out yet??
Sianyc good luck with the walking.. I walk to work every day (20 mins each way) and I try and do it at quite a pace so I hope I burn off some calories that way too! ... My baby belly is the bane of my life!! Grrr!
Well....
I have had the worst few days I have had for quite a while.
I don't know if its hormonal (ie linked to new medication) or if its just part of the ups and downs of my depression.
I am beginning to feel bad posting on here because I don't think I have PNI anymore, I think I just have general depression or anxiety or whatever. My dd is 5 this year... thats a long time to have PNI isn't it??
Anyway...
I had a crap day at work the other day. Work has been rubbish for a while. They have taken me off marketing and telesales and put me back on reception doing data cleansing (hence all the mental breakdown I had recently about wanting to do more and the psychology stuff). I just feel that I don't do anything interesting. A monkey could do my job to be honest. SO anyway I browsed about on the internet thinking if I could find some new marketing ideas (which I am allowed and encouraged to do) perhaps I could somehow prove to them I am more than a data cleanser...
Anyway I found this event just down the road at our local hotel and I know that Mr F is desperate for new clients so I mentioned it to him and he asked if I fancied going to it with him... I said yeah why not. So I was all excited thinking I had done something right... But then he said I had to just clear it with my line manager as cover would need to be arranged for reception. So I asked my immediate boss who basically said to me it was a complete "waste of time" and the event was all about "how to be greener, and I am completely perplexed as to why we would send two consultants to such an event". CRINGE. I felt sooo small I coulnd't believe it!! I also felt a bit small because Mr F had agreed it was a good idea and then I just felt he'd said that to get me out with him (to go somewhere with him) and that in actual fact he had just been laughing at me. Maybe thats wrong but thats how I felt.
I emailed Mr F back (who sits at the other end of the office - I can't see him from where I am, its several rooms away from me) to say that my boss didn't like my idea and that was that.
And then he came out to see me and asked if I was okay... I started to explain yep, I am fine, I will have to just sit here and be bored or look for another job because everything is just boring and rubbish... and then you know what, I burst into tears!!!!! AGHHH! I could feel myself going but I tried really really hard not to let myself cry... esp in front of him and at work!!
I said to Mr F, "Don't worry about me, I'm fine" and he said "I know you're not fine, I can hear it in your voice" and that just completely set me off and I sat there like a complete idiot. I think all the stress with A and her passport and work and trying to lose weight and no money etc etc just caught up with me. He said to hang on for a min and he went and made me a coffee and him a coffee and he sat next to me and chatted to me for a bit. He asked me what I DID want to do and I said I don't know... I just kept whinging about what I don't want to do (data cleansing, going out of the office for testing, like I did for London etc).. He said to me the risk was that I was starting to sound very negative and not thinking of anything positive.. I said to him Well thats how I feel right now... sob sob sob...What a state.
I think he must've thought I was a complete wreck. How embarassing. He gave me half of his chocolate bar and said to me "You're a star you know" and then another person came downstairs so I pulled myself together and somehow managed to get through the rest of the afternoon.
I feel completely terrible being at work now. I feel like my manager just thinks I am being stupid and I feel like Mr F either genuinely likes me as a friend and is being nice to me or he is flirting with me and winding me up or is like the manager and is just trying to get me into bed with him and thinks I am a stupid office junior and is taking the piss out of me. Sorry but I feel really emoitional and all over the place.
A is at nannys and grandads with her dad this weekend and I realise I have no one except her dads friend to sign her passport for her (we moved up here less than 2 years ago) and so I have to give him the forms and her photos (and my passport and her birth certificate!!) so that he can get it done and send it off. I know I don't have much to worry about because he has to send them all the stuff otherwise he won't get the passport (and it has to come from me since i have parental resp so he can't fill it in from his passport) but I can sooo annoyed about the whole thing and I hate him having all my paperwork. Its made me soo bad tempered.
My mum and my hubby don't know how to cope with me. I feel like I could burst into tears at any minute. If I wasn't on this stupid medication I would be going back on the anti depressants but I am not allowed to... my consultant said so because it messes up with all the prolactin levels. So I am bloody well stuck being miserable and angry and fed up. And I can't even talk to hubby at the moment because everything I say is a moan. I don't know why he stays with me to be honest. I am a complete miserable bitch.
Sorry but thats how I feel.
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Post by winegirl on Mar 21, 2008 14:34:19 GMT
Hi Nishka
So sorry you are so down babes. I think you might be right though that the trigger is A going away to France with her dad for the holidays.
You are not a miserable bitch at all, you are down and you are entightled to moan as much as you like!
Can you have a proper sit down chat with your linr manager about things at work? Explain that you feel a bit wastd as a resource doing what you are doing and you feel like yu could offer the company so much more etc etc...
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Mar 21, 2008 15:55:06 GMT
Thank you winegirl.. I am just so pleased to be able to come on here and have a rant away - albeit by text and typing!! I don't think I would ever get the chance to say how I really feel but for you guys, so thank you. xx
I did say to my line manager - after my horrible day - that I was feeling intellectually bored and I would like to do more interesting things but he's basically completely ignored me... He even sort of laughed and shrugged his shoulders. So I now know there are no more oppertunities for me there. Its either put up and shut up or get out. So I don't know what to do really.
Same old story, isn't it?? If I leave I have more travelling to do and it would be more pressure but if I stay I am going to be bored out of my mind. The one saving grace I have is that I have Mr F and a couple of other friends to keep me busy.
I am just so down... Hubby also said last night that he is bored and wants to go out more with his friends from work so I don't know where that leaves me. On my own at home being sad I guess.
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 21, 2008 16:54:16 GMT
Hi Nishka
Perhaps you could take the opportunity of having more time on your own at home to do some sort of home study course? Bumps your career prospects and keeps you mind going whilst you feel less lonely with hubby being out??
WG x
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Mar 25, 2008 18:04:57 GMT
Hey Nishka,
How was the Easter weekend? Did you get any time alone with your OH so catch up with each other properly and talk about how you're feeling? Thinking of you on your roller coaster of emotions at the moment and hoping for some brighters days to come. xxx
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