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Post by winegirl on Apr 18, 2008 20:44:17 GMT
Hi Nishka
You really need some time to yourself to sort your head out. The whole having another baby thing and things getting a bit wierd with Mr F just all sounds like too much. You need to have a bit of a chill and think time babes, otherwise your head is gonna end up exploding.
I hope writing here helps hun. We are all here and listening and if there is anything we can do to help...
Make the most of your time at the weekend babes. You just need to get back on an even level babes x
Take Care
WG x
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Post by sianyc on Apr 19, 2008 15:24:50 GMT
Hey you ;D
I'm not very tactful so this may come out wrong - bear with me
Mr F seems to be trying to get you into bed. He may not realise it but that's where it's heading! The lift offering and waiting until you're ready to leave so he can give you the lift and then the asking if you're around when he's in work over the weekend are not really the actions of a friend. I think if he didn't have feelings for you then he wouldn't seek you out to see when you were going!
Don't get me wrong, I can understand the appeal in it all. Who wouldn't like an attractive man paying them attention and making them forget some of their problems for a while. I'm first in line!! The problem now is that he clearly wants it to go further and you don't seem as if you want that.
Got any leave you can take to have a week or so off with oh and remind you both why you're together? I don't mean go away anywhere, just not have to go to work. Otherwise it's just the daily grind of work, telly, dinner, telly etc.
Does A talk about any of her classmates in particular - just thinking you could perhaps invite them over on a Saturday for an hour to play. She may be shy in school and not like the amount of kids there and find it difficult because of that. Is there anything like a gym class, swimming lessons, dance class or Rainbows (before Brownies) where the amount of kids there is a lot less and maybe not as overwhelming as school can be. She'll have you there as well which will give her a bit of confidence.
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 19, 2008 23:17:03 GMT
Hiya
Thanks both of you... I appreciate the replies... esp since I know you must both think I am a really bad person to be going through all this. I am feeling so bad about everything...
sianyc - I know you are right, unfortunately I am not quite naive enough to plead ignorance. (Although sometimes I wish I was!) Although i think having someone tell me what I think I already know is useful sometimes as i think its all too easy to explain things away and not see them for what they are so thank you for that.
I could take some time off work but to be honest I don't know if I want to be at home at the moment.. i know thats where I SHOULD be but I honestly feel that I am happiest at work (not just because of Mr F but because of the whole thing about work keeping me busy and being around other adults etc). I don't feel my hubby and I have anything to say to each other. Right now we are hardly talking - not because we've had a row or anything but just because we don't seem to have anything to say to one another. Tonight he came home from work, sat in his man room playing computer games and then we spent 30 mins watching casualty together and then he said he's tired and he's gone to bed. It's desperately lonely being me right now. I keep trying to talk to him about things but he says that he's feeling tired and he doesn't have the energy basically.... even to talk to me it seems.
Or perhaps I am expecting too much? Perhaps all relationships are like this?? I am worried that supposing, worst case scenario here that our marriage ended and I went off with Mr F - what happens then? In a couple of years I am going to be moaning about him some way or another and I won't be fancying him... I think perhaps there is something wrong with me rather than the other way around? I can't let this marriage I have go down the pan and I need to try and make it work but I am not sure how to. How can you get the spark back if the other person isn't really bothering?
We don't really spend any time together and to be honest I don't want to go on holiday with him as the last time we went away together was a nightmare. He doesn't like eating out so we spent the whole time eating rubbish food in the apartment and I don't think we spent one evening out together the whole time - we were in greece without A as she was at her dads. That was 2 years ago and when I came back I swore I never wanted to go on holiday with him again.
What a life eh?
And yet he's really caring, very sweet and doesn't drink or mistreat me or A or anything like that... But is that enough for me? I don't know. I don't know what to think. And then suddenly there is this man I meet who I seem to have a lot in common with and we have gotten to know each other and there seems to be something there... Whats worse, to let that pass and live as I am now or to take a chance? I keep thinking about it and its making my head hurt.
I know hubby would be distraught if he found out how I was feeling right now but I have to talk about it somewhere or I am going to go nuts. Its not just the Mr F thing, its the whole thing in general. I keep thinking perhaps I should be on my own. Perhaps I need time on my own to know what I want.
But - I do really love my husband. He is so special to me and we are like very close friends. But at 28 is a close friend enough to make a good marriage?
And then there's the other option - perhaps I can see Mr F and perhaps he is in the same situation as me and we can both agree to stay as we are? But I know thats desperately wrong of me. And having had an affair with a married man before (ten years ago before I met hubby) I don't know if thats going to be a good move.. Someone always ends up getting hurting, and knowing my luck it would be me.
I am pleased A is at her dads this weekend. I need the space to think and to breathe. I went shopping today and spent far too much money but it was nice to have time alone and to be completely on my own. To my shock horror I realise I have gone from a size 10/12 to a definite 14 (not that it matters I guess but it was a bit of a shock to find nothing fitted me!) Must be all the comfort eating.
I don't feel too good about myself right now. I feel that I am not being a good mum to A because all I do is work and think about work and Mr F... I am not a good wife, thats for sure. I am a mess... I wonder if counselling would help me understand why I am the way I am, but then what would I say to the GP to refer me? Hi, I have a prob with relationships???
I don't know why I just can't be happy with someone long term. I don't know whats wrong with the way I think. People get married and stay married for years and years but every relationship I have ever had I walk out of after about 4 years. I don't want to be that person but I don't know how to change.
I feel quite emotional writing this as its so close to the mark right now. I don't know what to do now re Mr F. If I want to, I can play his game and accept his lifts to the post office and lunch etc or do I tell him (somehow or other) to basically get lost? If I do that am I going to regret it for the rest of my life? Or do I just continue as I am until I am clearer about everything. I am going to end up hurting everyone at this rate and thats something I really don't want to do. Despite obviously how I am feeling right now I don't want to cause anyone pain so part of me thinks I have to swallow my feelings about everything and just get on with life as it is. I mean, other people do, don't they?
I wonder if Mr F is having the same turmoils this weekend, or perhaps he isn't thinking about me at all. Perhaps I am just some rubbish little game to him and he doesn't give a toss about me at all. That would serve me right I guess..
I am going to bed now. I don't know if I am going to be able to sleep but I have to try. I have spent 5 hours walking round the shops today so I should be tired.
Thanks for listening to me.
xxxx Nishka xxx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Apr 20, 2008 17:01:11 GMT
Hey Nishka,
Don't beat yourself up about the way you are feeling at the moment. I bet there are plenty of other people out there who all feel the same as you. I went through something very, very similar after my first daughter and so Sian can speak from real experience when she says that Mr F's actions are not those of a true friend. If he was your friend he would a: be honest with you about his intentions and b: encourage you to decide what you want from life rather than try to start something whilse emotionally you are very vunerable. Looking back now I can see that T for me was just a way out of the life I was living. But the betetr option would have been to really be on my own for a while rather than try to live in this fantasy land.
The truth is all men (and women) have their faults and day to day life isn't very exciting. That's a horrible harsh truth to hear I know and there are many days even now where I drift off into a daydream of what life 'could' be like. Once my OH had moved out and T and I were seeing each other I started to find things that he did irritating and came to realise that the physical side of things isn't enough. We got along so well and he allowed me to be myself in a way that my OH never will fully appreciate, but I kept thinking about what our future would really be like, and came to accept that what we had wasn't based in reality. Sadly enough, you need to be able to agree on the chores and finances and all the boring stuff that keeps life ticking over.
Who knows, maybe it would be different for you, but do you really think so? It's only you who can make the decisions that affect your life and no-one on this site (or anywhere else) should judge you for any decision you make. We all learn from our mistakes and we all only get one shot at life so you think about what will make you (and A) happy in the long run and then go for it you lovely brave lady. If you want to make things work with your OH then you will. Chucking my OH out for the boot up the bum we both needed and then we went to Relate together which helped alot. We're not the perfect couple now and we bicker like everyone but we rub along just fine and the experience with T has made me realise that you really do need a good friend too.
You've got alot on your plate now Nishka and it seems like you're searching for something to make it all better, whether that's a career move, another baby, another man etc. But really I think you've hit the nail on the head about getting some counselling yourself. Relate is about all relationship counselling and they do see people on their own. It might be a good place to start and maybe eventually your OH could join you for some sessions to work on together. Marriage is bloody hard work and anyone who says it isn't is either very, very lucky or a big fat liar!!
Good luck Nishka, and like usual, feel free to tell me to stuff off! Love you, you very special lady, and I'm totally 100% behind any decision you make. Bobsie Bobyn xxx
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Post by sianyc on Apr 21, 2008 8:05:34 GMT
Ditto for all of that!
LIke Bobyn says, you don't have to go to the GP for a referral. Contact Relate and see what they can offer?
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 23, 2008 14:03:18 GMT
Hi
Just wanted to say thank you all for replying to me. I haven't posted for a few days but I have been back on a few times and read and re-read your thoughts and replies. Its given me a lot to think about.
I can't say I am any further along really. I am still quite up and down.
Hubby isn't helping by basically being quite an arse this week... His boss at work says he should try and make himself more businesslike - so what does he do? He goes out and gets his hair cut in a really radical style (all spiky etc) which is just ridiculous. I wouldn't mind except for the fact that he says and complains he's not getting anywhere at work but then when his boss tells him to do something he does the opposite!! I can't help feeling really peed off with the whole situation.
He is peed off with me and I am peed off with him. We have gone back to not really talking to each other again... Great.
To add to it this week A had a friend over who's mum is expecting another baby and of course that caused no end of probs... Hubby cooing over babies and me feeling even more put off by the idea (I have never been good around pregnant women since having PNI anyway).
I don't know whats going on ... I just look at other married couples and they seem happier than we are. We do giggle sometimes and laugh but then there's not much partnership there at the moment. Perhaps I am expecting too much.
I have been looking into the idea of counselling but its not something I have decided on as yet.
Mr F and I are alright... I haven't accepted any more lifts or anything like that. He's stopped having lunch with me in the office and although we are still chatting I think we have both sort of had a bit of a wake up call.
I talked to him (funny enough) about the probs I am having with hubby and he said to me it sounds as though things aren't going to plan but he did point out that after 5 years with someone things never do... He said perhaps hubby was trying to push the boat out (??) and it was up to me whether I got in it. Whatever that means....!!
He is on holiday next week.. I am going to be very lonely. Apart from anything else he's my only real friend at work and the only person I really talk to. A week is going to be a long time!!
I know that he is having probs with his wife at the moment too.. He was in the kitchen today talking to her on the phone and I was earwigging (like you do) and his side of the chat was, "I think we just snap at each other in the evenings because we are tired", "No I am not being off", "I am just tired", "Next week we'll have a week with the kids and just try and relax"... So who knows. I don't get men at all. Thats exactly the sort of thing my husband would say to me!!!
I just don't think I can cope with life being so extremely boring all the time. My life never used to be like this... I used to be out all the time having fun, getting drunk being silly. And now its just TV, bed, argue with OH, have a bad day at work, deal with A, put A to bed...
There's just no fun anymore.
I am going to have to stop typing because I am getting quite tearful. I have to stop whinging - I know people have a much worse time than I do.
xxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 23, 2008 14:04:50 GMT
Just realised I put my LO's full name in there by mistake. Oops. Perhaps someone could delete it for me and put A?? xx
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Post by sianyc on Apr 23, 2008 14:32:12 GMT
Hi lovely. I did it - I think you can edit your own posts though but thought it best if I did it quick for you and then told you that x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 23, 2008 14:33:29 GMT
Hiya thanks Sianyc ... I didn't think about editing myself... lol. I just saw what I did and thought eeeeeeeeeeek!
Thank you xx
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Post by sianyc on Apr 23, 2008 14:51:52 GMT
Me and oh have been having a bit of a bad patch - well not bad exactly but boring and he's been getting on my nerves.
I think that's just how it goes. Money and work worries don't exactly help either do they?!
It's happened before so I know that we'll get out the other side soon. We had a nice night last night just chatting, drinking beer and watching Bionic Woman. I'm planning a meal and bottle of wine tonight and that tends to help remind us that we actually get on.
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 23, 2008 14:59:55 GMT
I think you are prob right Sianyc... Perhaps all relationships have their ups and downs... I just want some ups!
Hope you and yours are ok xx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Apr 23, 2008 16:38:31 GMT
They DEFINITELY have their ups and downs. You just have to learn to plod on through the bad, down times, and have a good girly friend to speak to who'll remind you that you can come out the other side xxx
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Post by winegirl on Apr 23, 2008 20:56:45 GMT
Hi Nishka
Sorry havent been around today babes. How are you doing this evening hun?? you ok??
WG xxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 24, 2008 9:44:37 GMT
Hello ladies..
Thanks for the replies. Sending you all hugs... Thanks for being there for me and listening to me whittle on.. I do a lot of that!! lol
I am still all over the place.... I don't know what to do about anything or what I think about everything. I think my general plan is to try and make an effort to get on with hubby (although that doesn't seem to be working much right now pah!) and also continue my friendship with Mr F and see where that goes... until one or either comes to a head and I might feel I know more when I am.
Perhaps thats a rubbish and wrong plan but thats where I am right now.
Hubby and I basically ignored each other again last night. He got in a tantrum about his new PS3 not doing something he thought it should *roll my eyes* and I wanted to watch the apprentice - which he hates - so he sat in one room screaming at his PS3 and I sat in the other eating my yoghurt and watching tv. Then he came in to see what I was doing, saw what I was watching and said "I don't want to watch that!" and disappeared again. Then we both went to bed, rolled over and turned out the light and went to sleep.
Fun.
The rest of my day at work was quite interesting... I haven't been doing as much actual work as I should be (I will catch up today).. I spent most of the day chatting to my two other friends in the office (D and P - women) and mucking about. Mr F kept sending me silly emails and we had a giggle.
Later in the day he came out to the kitchen to get a coffee and somehow we ended up talking about past relationships we've had. He was telling me all about him being a club rep and how he used to have lots of women on the go all at the same time (can you see my raised eyebrows from there girlies??) and about some spanish woman he asked to move in with him to make a go of things and she did only to leave a week later when she realised he was going out all the time with the lads etc. So she moved back to spain. He went out there to find her and she chucked a jug of water all over him! I said served him right! LOL
He said to me did I have any silly stories (he meant re relationships) and I said "Oh I have lots" ... He said, "Go on then" So I told him a little bit about my pub days ten years ago when I was having an affair with the married guy and racing about on the back of motorbikes and all that... It sort of reminded my of the scene from Bridget Jones when she has dinner with Daniel Cleaver and he says "I bet you did you saucy little minx" ... lol... He took the mick out of me cos he said I was going bright red! Cheeky man.
He said as he walked away "We'll have to get together and share our silly stories" and I said, "I have a few" and he said, "Yes and I want to hear all of them".
At the end of the day I went to go and do the post (like I normally do) and he saw me walk through the office so he knew I was leaving and he packed up and came out and said to me, "Have you taken the post yet?" (well no, duh I have the letters in my hand!) And he offered to give me a lift to the post office again. SOoooooooo I said yes.
Slap me.
So we got in the car together (in full view of the two old biddies in the office who don't like me so I am sure they are going to have a good gossip) and drove down the road. I was taking the mick out of him as his car is so full of crap.
When we got the post office I just jumped out and said "Bye, see you tomorrow" and that was that.
So thats whats been happening.
Today I have been in meetings all morning doing marketing stuff... so nothing much been going on so far.
A is going to her friends after school today and they are going to dance class together so she is really excited.
Hope you are all okay
Lots of love xxxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Apr 24, 2008 19:59:53 GMT
Me again. 2 posts in one day (!)
I had an awful evening... My mum wanted me to take A to this dance class thing (which my mum normally does with her) and I realised how completely out of my depth I feel with being a mum. I look at other mums and feel completely alien to it all. I don't feel like a real mum, I feel like this woman pretending to be something she isn't.
I felt strangely disconnected from everything... Like everything was happening around me and not to me - if that makes sense. I don't think A noticed anything wrong but I just hate being around other mums. Its one of the reasons I work I think so I don't have to be around them. I always feel like because of my PNI its a part of my life that I have completely missed out on and I can never get it back and therefore I don't want to see other people going through that stage. I am distraught. I am never going to get over this. I am never going to be a proper mum. I am a bad person just concerned about myself and my love life and I don't think A is going to have a happy childhood because I don't want to do anything with her that mixes with other parents and other kids and therefore I am a complete screw up.
My husband is working late tonight and I am feeling completely alone more than ever and I don't have anyone to talk to. My mum was moaning at me because she thinks hubby and I have been spending too much money recently and we are not dealing with things and I just don't need it. I know the problems with my life I don't need her telling me what to do as well.
To top it all of, Mr F is going to eurodisney next week to play happy families with his wife and his kids and I hope he has a great time. I am just going to be so lonely at work and I don't know how I am going to make the week go quickly. Without him my work is so boring. He isn't going to be in work tomorrow either as he is out of the office.
So thats that then. I am lonely, depressed, fed up and have a whole shitty week ahead of me and a whole life ahead of me with feeling bad and suffering with PNI which goes on forever. Sometimes I wish I had never had my daughter.. but I know that sounds such a horrible thing to say.
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