nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 10, 2007 8:46:05 GMT
Ok here we go... I don't know what I hope to gain by keeping a diary but I am going to try and see if I can recognise some things about myself by doing this.
Maybe I should start with an introduction.
Who is me? Well I am nearly 27 years old (even though I don't think I ever moved on from being 18) I had my daughter 4 years ago in a horrific hospital birth which was followed up with a complaint against the hospital. I separated from my then partner, and I am now married to someone else and I have moved to a completely different area.
We live with my mother and I work full time in an office doing all manner of things - answering the phone, PA work, marketing etc.
I have trouble bonding with my daughter, I do the motherly things but I can't honestly say that I feel very much sometimes. I find looking after her a chore and to be honest I dread the weekends, I would much rather be at work.
When I am around her and at the weekend I suddenly find I feel extremely depressed and sometimes I feel like I am going to burst into tears at any moment. I don't think I can cope with it all sometimes. I find it hard being around other mums and their children, the way they respond to them is so natural I feel like a complete failure.
I want my daughter to have a happy childhood. I didn't, my mum was in and out of mental hospitals and I wasn't ever really looked after in the best way. I don't think thats perhaps anyones fault, I know my mum loved me very much but she wasn't well and my Dad wasn't around very much.
So here I am.
I don't think I like myself very much sometimes. I always thought I would be some big career woman, going through university, having a fantastic job - but no, I had my daughter and have become normal and boring. I don't have any spark left really and I feel like life is going to be one long drag from here on in - and thats at 27 which I know is pathetic but I do feel that way. Sometimes I feel like having a child ruined my life, and my body. I used to be a size 8, working in a nightclub having the time of my life - now I am a wobbly size 12 with a tummy that makes me feel sick to look at and I hate myself. I don't want to be like this. I don't feel like me.
My husband is having his own problems... he says he doesn't know who he is at the moment, he feels bored with his life - much like I am I suppose and neither of us really feel we have much to look forward to from here on in. I don't think we know what we want from life. We don't seem to like to do the same things - he likes to stay in, I want to be out all the time (anything to stop me from being at home!).. We love each other - we only got married a few weeks ago and we have been together for 4 years.
It is my daughters birthday on Monday and I am feeling really down about it. I am trying to make it a happy time for her but it reminds me of the awful birth etc etc. My mum and everyone keeps talking about when I was pregnant with her and it is the last thing I want to hear. I hated being pregnant, it felt unnatural and disgusting, like someone had invaded my body. What can be beautiful about having something living inside you?
I have always thought of my body as being sexy. I never wanted to be a fat frump, pregnant or motherley.
My ex (A's father) is coming up for her birthday party and I am dreading it. We don't get on very well,... in fact this will be the first time we have ever spent more than 2 mins handover time together since we split up (I cheated on him with my now partner - I take the blame for that, but there were lots of problems - he was unsupportive of my Pni, he never helped me, spent all the time in the pub, pressurised me to have sex with him etc etc). Seeing him reminds me of the birth and all the crap I went through with him. I am still so angry about it all.
_________
Anyway, today I am at work and I am meant to be making some phonecalls and to be honest I really can't be bothered. Its Friday who cares. I don't like my job very much but I like to be out of the house. I don't believe in any of the jobs I have had - I have done everything from make up artist to nightclub supervisor to legal secretary. I get bored and do something else.
This job suits me basically because I have my own office and I have srew around on the internet all day. I guess I am trying to figure out who I am, hence the trying to make sense of my identity on here.
Apart from actually working, I have a few friends in my office. I have someone who flirts with me, he is married too and has two small children. We send each other silly emails and sometimes if I am having my lunch in the kitchen he will come and sit with me and we will muck about. Its nice to chat to someone about something other than kids - (one of the reasons I hate other mums is I hate people going on about their kids). I have had an affair with a married man before but there is no way I would go there again - I love my husband (I had the affair a long time ago before we met each other). But there is something nice about someone else wanting you, validating you as attractive. How shallow am I? I guess a lot of my feelings about myself stem from feeling unattractive now I have had a kid.
Today Mr Flirt is out of the office and I am bored. I am thinking about pulling a sickie and going home but what good would that do? I would be home with A and then I would be bored within half an hour. I find it incredibly boring playing with A, doing things with A. I get no satisfaction from doing anything with her at all. I get bored and then fed up and then resentful. It is better I am here.
So I am going to make another cup of tea in a min and start doing some of these calls. Hubby is also at work today, he is working this weekend too so I will be alone with A and my mum. We will go shopping tomorrow and I will try and do the good mum bit and make cakes or something with A.. Its all fake though. I just want to sleep and sleep.
Next week I have a hospital appointment with the endocrinologist because I have a thyroid prob which needs some treatment. I keep thinking if they sort it out I will feel better and be the perfect woman.. Maybe.
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 13, 2007 8:24:15 GMT
Well today is little ones birthday and I spent most of the weekend putting up (with the help of hubby) her new swing / slide in the garden.
She is really excited and despite my feelings about remembering the hospital experience etc, I am trying to make this a happy time for her. I wrapped up all her presents and left them out for her to find this morning. She is so pleased with everything.
I am at work today and trying to get on with some work so I won't make this a long post.
I am worried about the party coming up this weekend - her birthday party with her dad (my ex) etc coming and all the kids and the parents and wondering how on earth I am going to cope with it all.
I ended up in tears yesterday just worrying that I won't cope with it on the day and I will embarass myself.. I so want to be like a normal mum who can just get on with these things. I don't know if that is ever going to happen.
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Post by sianyc on Aug 13, 2007 9:12:53 GMT
Hi Nishka
I too should be working (boo hiss). Do you take anything for anxiety? I use rescue remedy to cope with stressful situations and it has worked for me. It gives me a bit of a bosst so I feel a bit more relaxed and more able to keep my cool.
I agree with you about the work thing. It's nice to be just you and not so and so's mum for a while. Your friend in work probably feels exactly the same way.
Is there anything you and OH can do to try to enjoy spending time with each other and get rid of that feeling of being bored?
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 13, 2007 15:33:52 GMT
Hi Sianyc
Thanks for your message... We are bad girls - on here when we are supposed to be working ! ha ha
I was interested to hear that you think the rescue remedy works.. I have to say I haven't tried it for ages so maybe its worth a go.. I think the last time I did try it I didn't notice much of a difference but I suppose anything is worth a try!
Well me and the OH are struggling a bit at the moment in that he doesn't really like to go out and is happy just to stay at home playing on the computer or whatever, whereas I have to go out if I have a day off - esp if our little one is away with her nanny or whatever. The other weekend we had quite a bad time really because we had the whole weekend on our own and I thought it would be nice to get out and go somewhere / have dinner etc but he said that he didn't feel like going out and I don't have any friends to go out with really so I just stayed at home all day being bored and fed up. How pathetic am I ..
He says he finds it boring to go out and I find it boring to stay in. I don't know how we get around that one. I can't make him go out somewhere with me and I don't want to anyway if I feel I am dragging him along. I think we both feel we are stuck in a rut.
Maybe we will find a way to change it.
I just wish I could stop feeling so angry and depressed at home all the time. I don't seem able to let things go very well, I don't have any patience with anything and I sometimes feel so stressed over something silly that I feel I am going to burst.
I hope you are ok.
Nishka xxx
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Post by sianyc on Aug 14, 2007 7:39:47 GMT
I hate staying home all day, especially if someone has the little monsters. It feels like a huge waste of time to me. I used to quite enjoy just chilling around the house but since the PNI it's like I get cabin fever :-) Luckily, gary hates hanging around the house so it doesn't take much persauding to get out. What does your OH like doing?
I know where you're coming from with the stress thingy. The smallest thing can set me off if I'm having a bad day and I just can't let it go. Only last week, I was freaking cos the kichen floor hadn't been mopped for almost a week - like that even matters!
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 14, 2007 10:21:03 GMT
lol I so know where you are coming from with the kitchen floor thingy.. I get like that about things too. But the strangest thing about it is that supposing it is the kitchen floor - it will be like that for days until all of a sudden I will have a flash of rage that it is in that state and I will have to do it THAT minute, even if I am exhausted etc etc. I don't know what on earth is happening to me sometimes!! I think cabin fever is a very good way of describing how I get too!! I wish my OH was more like yours in that respect - it would be nice to have someone to get out with sometimes. I talked to OH about it last night and he says he doesn't feel like it when he is working (ie after work or at the weekends) and he only wants to go out during the holidays. Zzzzzzzzzzz. He doesn't really like doing much of anything to be honest. He likes playing on his computer (usual 'man' things), watching star trek and other DVDs I don't like (!!) and when we do go out all he wants to do is go to the cinema, he won't try anything different for dinner or anything like that. The only thing (ONLY! thing!) he will ever eat is either tomato soup or pizza. He is a really fussy eater, the worse I have ever known. Sometimes I wish I had someone to go out to dinner with... but thats just not him. And I don't want to drag him along to a chinese for example when he will sit opposite me and eat only a bowl of boiled rice! Its not much fun. I am getting myself in a bit of a state over the childrens party on sunday this week. I know I should calm down and I know it doesn't matter if it doesn't all go to plan - but I think that is part of my prob in general with children, nothing ever goes to plan - and I like to have control and thats something I can't get with them, if that makes sense! (God I sound like a complete control freak!) I keep thinking about how embarassing its going to be if the childrens party games don't go okay and what on earth I am going to say to the other mothers because I really hate talking to them all. The worst thing for me is when they start asking if I am going to have anymore and when I say no they always say, "Why?" and it really annoys me because why SHOULD I have any more... Who on earth created the rule that you are expected to have more than one child anyway??? It drives me nuts. And then you have all the rest of the conversation about how I work full time and they stay at home (which all of the other mums do!) and how do I cope blah blah. Being in a room with all of them is like torture to me. What is going to make it worse is that a lot of them have babies too which I imagine they are going to bring and they all stand there gawping at the baby and chatting about their births etc (which sods law they all had brilliant births) and I just feel like being sick. I feel so angry about it all. Sometimes I just feel like my whole life is one big failure. I could have gone to university and become a psychiatrist, I could have been a dancer, I could have been anything I wanted to be but instead I gave it all up for some stupid man who I am not with anymore and a child which is just a lot of hard work and responsibility. Sorry that sounds harsh but thats how I feel sometimes. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder where on earth I have gone. I can't even see the old me anymore at times. Today I am at work again. I felt like dressing up so I have put on a short black dress and some knee high boots which have such high heels I can't even walk in them properely which prob wasn't the best thing. I am feeling really down about things in general and I don't think I am going to eat lunch. I struggle on and off with eating disorders. My weight hovvers around 10 stone but I know if I don't eat for a few days (or eat very little) I can get down to 9st 8. I can't say I think I am fat as such - rationally I know I am not, its just that when I am feeling down I think the element of controlling something petty like that is relaxing to me. Its gives me something else to think about. I never do it to a dangerous level - I swing between sizes 8 - 12 depending on how crap my life is at the time. If I am having a rubbish time of things I will usually drop to an 8. If I am happier I will normally be a fatish size 12. I like to control the scales. It is the only sense of balance I get sometimes. Today I am on strike so to speak. I don't want to do any work. I am not in the mood and I have my hospital appointment tomorrow so I won't be here then anyway. All I have to do is get through today. Thats all. What a rubbish life this is.
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Post by chica on Aug 14, 2007 10:57:43 GMT
Hi Nishka, Hope you dont mind me butting in on your diary. I have just been reading through it, and so many of the things that you have said ring so true with me. I have twins who are 6 and I still have trouble enacting with them. I do, and they will never know how much hard work it is. To be honest I think if I were to tell anyone around me how hard it is they would not believe me. (Hope that makes some kind of sense). I too watch other mothers who just seem to be so calm and relaxed and having fun with their youngsters, but I have to admit to wondering if they really are, or are they just presenting an outside front like I do. On saying that I am getting better, in fact have to admit to having a few enjoyable occasions now under my belt at last. I guess it all just takes time, I didnt admit to having a problem with PNI until they were 5 and a half, although I was in trouble from day one, so at last my clouds are beginning to clear after seeking the right help. Is Mr Flirt in the office today? Wish I had someone who would flirt with me (mind you I propably wouldnt notice anyway) Do you mind me asking how you met your hubby, if he does not like going out or doing anything it has kind of roused my curiosity, (mind you they always say curiosity killed the cat) so dont answer if you dont want to. As for kiddies parties... do the mums have to stay? Just a thought, less to cater for, and maybe a few greatful mums that might need a break too. Although if you have lots of little ones coming I can see why you need spare hands. I am sure it will all go well, I get myself all in a knot too, before anything like this, and then wonder why I had afterwards. I guess it is still me trying to be the perfect mum etc etc..... Enough of my wittering, once again hope you didnt mind me hogging your diary. Sending you huge love and hugs Chica
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Post by susanneb1984 on Aug 15, 2007 7:29:52 GMT
Hiya Nishka, I don't think we've chatted, but I hope to be around a bit more. I hope your ok, please feel free to have a read of my diary and post if you want too. Are things getting any better?
xxxxx
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Post by sianyc on Aug 15, 2007 9:42:57 GMT
I always think that I won't be able to talk to the other mothers properly. That I'll say the wrong thing or be too quiet (or too loud) and then they'll think I'm a bit unhinged. There always seems to be perfect little cliques doesn't there - I'm no good at cliques.
They are in such different situations to you that it would be hard to relate to them even if you were feeling fantastic. Keep chanting "bo*****s to them" over and over in your head :-)
Some of them may well be ok and just trying to make conversation not knowing about your PNI. Most conversations with other mums start with the whole how many have you got, do you want more and why and do your work or stay at home etc. Get past that and they could be nice
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 16, 2007 8:41:56 GMT
Hi everyone, thanks for all your replies.. of course I don't mind you replying to my diary. I am always interested to see how others view my situation etc. I hope you are all ok. I think from the replies I guess we all find it hard to try and be the 'perfect' mum and maybe there really isn't such a thing, who knows.
Chica, I met my husband when he was working at the store he manages. I was working there as a consultant and we hit it off straight away. We used to go out a lot in the early days but not so much now. I think like most people maybe we all end up getting in a rut!!
Well yesterday was a really rubbish day for me. I went to the hospital to see the endocrinologist because some of my blood tests are very strange. Anyway I only spent about 10 mins in there with the consultant. She wasn't interested in me at all. She just sent me off to have the blood tests repeated and says if they are still strange they will give me some more medication to take. She wasn't at all interested in any of the symptoms I have or the mood swings or anything. I came home feeling very low and spent most of the afternoon crying on the sofa with my 4 year old sitting next to me passing me tissues and asking me what was wrong. I feel really guilty about being like that but I just couldn't help it. I told her that it wasn't her fault but that mummy was just upset about the hospital because I don't like hospitals and I am sure things will be ok. What a mess.
I am aware that I haven't been talking to my husband very much, I am going through a very down phase and I don't feel I have anything positive to say so I don't want to say anything at all. I am aware that his mother had troubles with depression etc when he was younger and I know he found that hard to cope with and I don't want to make him go through all that again. When I am down I can't bear any physical contact and I shut myself off from everyone, almost as if I turn to stone.
I was quite hurt that he didn't ring me yesterday (when he usually does) to ask how I got on at the hospital but then he did say later on he was in a meeting all day (with no lunch hour?). Sorry maybe I am being picky. But then I guess he is responding to me in the way I am responding to him, its a bit of a vicious cycle.
I sent him a text message when he was coming home and he says he is worried about me and he feels he is losing me and he doesn't know how to help me, but he will help me in any way he can.
But I don't know how anyone can help me. I don't think anyone can really.
The party is coming soon. I feel like my life is going to be one long misery of feeling this way. I feel like such a failure as a mother, I mean what sort of mother dreads her own childs birthday party? I feel terrible. I want to make it a good thing for her, but I don't know if I can. The whole thing is going to be a terrible day for me and I am terrified of crying in front of everyone. I don't want to be there but then if I am not there I am going to feel even more guilty. I don't know what I am going to do. I don't want to see my ex. I don't want to see anyone.
I am in work today but I think I am going to go home soon. I am feeling very tearful and I don't think I want to be here. Mr Flirty was here this morning and asking how I got on at the hospital etc but then he started going about his wife and how they are getting on well and actually talking to each other for a change - which honestly I am pleased about for him, but its not what you need to hear when you feel your whole life is going down the pan. He doesn't know that of course. No one knows how depressed I really am except my OH and my mum. I feel bad for them because they have to put up with me being like this. They deserve more than that and so does my little girl.
Sometimes I feel like shaking myself. What the hells wrong with me? I have nothing much to be depressed about, people in this world have far more to worry about than I do and all I can do is sit and mope about thinking my whole life is one big cock up. This alone makes me feel angry and guilty with myself.
I want to get through this but I don't know how. I don't know how to lift myself out of this.
I seem like I have forgotten how to be happy.
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 16, 2007 17:06:08 GMT
Just wanted to add a little to the message above. I went home from work. I couldnt stop crying and I was well aware that I looked like a loon if I stayed at work on the reception like that so I said I didn't feel well and came home. I went to see the doctor this afternoon and he has put me back on the citalopram - the same thing I was on for the severe post natal depression soon after the birth of my daughter. However I found it only worked at 60mg a day and he will only start me on 20mg. I didn't feel he wanted to listen to me, he just printed out the prescription and there ya go, that will sort it all out.
Will it? I don't think so, but I am so down at the moment I will try anything. I am tempted to take 2 of them in a day to up the dose and then say I have lost the pills to get some more.. I know maybe thats wrong but I am so desperate not to feel like this.
I want to feel like life is worth living again. I can't remember really feeling like that for a long long time.
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Post by chica on Aug 16, 2007 17:47:38 GMT
Hi Nishka, Gosh I cannot believe how much I have just read, it so similar to me it was like looking in a mirror. Honestly I really do know where you are coming from and what you are feeling. I have just ended up back on my meds (there is a lot of stuff been happening in my family which I wont bore you with but my stress levels just reached fever pitch) and I guess recovering from PNI I have not dealt with the situations as well as I should have or would have. (God I hope that makes sense). See what I mean even my brain is turning to mush Hopefully the meds will kick in quickly, and maybe this time around you wont need 60mg. Sorry you did not feel that your GP was very understanding, (they can be piggish to say the least). But a huge congratulations for going to see him. It really sounds as if your hubby really wants to help you, but as like most men doesnt know how. Hold on to the fact that he really does still want to. Take it slowly. I know you have the birthday party coming up (I too dread those), but hey if you do break down in tears, tell everyone its because it is so emotional for you, and then they can think what they will, which is probably that you are a great mum. Which you are undoubtedly are, because even feeling like you do, you are and still have made plans for a day that your little one will treasure. So hang on in there, we will all get there. Keep on talking. We are all here to support you. Sending you huge hugs Chica
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 20, 2007 12:00:55 GMT
Hi Chica and everyone again, thanks for replying and thanks for the hugs, they are much needed!! Its really nice to know I am not alone.
I hope things are well with the family Chica and the twins! Sounds like hard work to me!
I am feeling slightly brighter this week... I can't believe the meds are kicking in that quickly but something has definitely lifted. Last week I was nearly ready to kill myself (well not literally but I was extremely down) and now I am not feeling tooooo terrible...
The birthday party was stressful but not as bad as I imagined. We were so busy doing the games with the kids etc that I hardly had time to chat to any of the other mums so I got out of that one! My daughter had a lovely time.. I was pleased to see her enjoying herself and it took my mind off how I was feeling.
The day before I was very down and kept thinking about the birth and how much my life has changed for becoming a mother... But then I think well I have go forward. I can't keep thinking about the past. But sometimes when I am down I can't see the light pointing up. I know it is easier said than done at times.
My mother in law stayed with us for the weekend and I CANT STAND HER.. She is soooo full of her own self importance and just goes on and on about herself (look at me and what I am doing here! LOL) and we can never see eye to eye on anything. Because she met me after I had my little one and she didn't see the horrible time I had she seems to think everything is roses and is always going on about how terrible her life is etc etc not knowing how bad a time I have had. Maybe that sounds self absorbed from me... I just hate people making assumptions about how you are feeling / what you have been through because of the way you appear. Just because I can put on a dress and wear make up doesn't mean that everything is fine!! And equally because she is huge and scruffy doesn't mean she is having a worse time than anyone else!! AGGGHHHHH!!! (Lots more to it than that but I can write a whole book on her!)
My ex and his new girlf came to the birthday party as planned. It was strange seeing him with someone else even though we have been separated for nearly 4 years and I am now married to someone else!! He prodded me at one point and asked for a drink of water so I took him in the kitchen and he said I looked good (!!!!) and we chatted for a few mins... I think the most chat we have had since the last time we spent anytime alone together where we were both screaming at each other in the middle of a park in the middle of the night! We have such a volatile relationship but I at least do try to get on with him for little ones sake. His new girlf was really nice... She seems very young. Maybe ten years younger than him. Which doesn't surprise me because he tends to like weaker, more vunerable women (as I was then when I was with him!) - I just hope things work out for them, which is funny to feel that because I didn't think I would.... I know its such a horrible thing for me to say but I am just pleased because she is not skinnier or prettier than me... (cringe - did I just say that??? LOL)
I have been dieting... not eating... Only what I have to. I have lost 2lbs. Its a start.
I have been feeling really exhausted with everything but hopefully now that its all over I can try and sort myself out. I am planning to get some guinea pigs this weekend because I have fallen in love with a couple and I have brought the largest indoor cage I can (4ft long!) and I am going to get a couple. I think it will be nice for me to have something to focus on and also to share something with little one... Maybe it will bring us closer.
I will write again soon, Hope you are all well. Thanks so much for listening. xxx
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Post by sianyc on Aug 20, 2007 15:28:32 GMT
Hi Nishka
I'm glad the party went off ok. I'll bet the little one thought it was fab and she'll love the guinea pigs!
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 21, 2007 8:10:54 GMT
Thanks Sian, just wanted to say I hope things are ok with you and thanks so much for your support. Lots of hugs to you xx
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