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Post by sianyc on Aug 22, 2007 11:37:39 GMT
Thanks lovely - and thanks for the post in my diary too x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 26, 2007 16:23:29 GMT
Just a quick post... I havent been too well this week. I have been feeling ill and sick on the new anti depressants and to top it off I tore a ligament in my back at work this week so I have been in pain too!! OUCH.
I went to the hospital about it (did it bending over to get something out of the cupboard at work and I have never been in pain like it!!) and they say it will take about 3 weeks to get back to normal... I am so nervous to move in anyway now.
I hope the sickness will wear off because I am feeling better mentally for taking the anti deps. I will see how it goes. My appitite has completely gone now, I am back to under 10 stone just because I don't feel like eating very much.
I found being at home with daughter very hard yesterday. I have had such a stressful week or two and I feel I have nothing more to give at the moment. Luckily my mum and my husband have been doing things with her so I think she has been kept busy. She did have a tantrum last night though because I was feeling so tired and I wanted to go to bed at 6 and she started crying saying she wanted me to put her to bed (its usually me) and not husband / my mum... I just couldnt do it, my back was hurting and I was so tired. I wish I didn't feel so guilty about everything all the time, I mean there is nothing wrong with someone else putting her to bed once in a while is there?? I wish I could let go a bit and stop letting myself feel bad all the time.
I don't know what we are going to do tomorrow, bank holiday weekened etc. I still feel quite down and I don't relish the thought of spending the whole day with my daughter doing 'fun' things.. nothing much is fun to me at the moment.
My flirty man from the office has asked if I wanted to go to the Zoo (with him and his kids and someone else from the office and their kids) tomorrow and I said I wasn't sure because its a long way from me, and he gave me his mobile number and said to ring him to let him know if I change my mind. Is that over stepping the line?? I don't know. I texted him today to say its too far for me and I won't be going but that I hope they have fun.
I got my guinea piggies - I have called them Piggle and Dotty. They are really sweet. I have got them indoors in a large indoor cage and we have been getting them out and feeding them lots of nice things. They are very lovely and I am enjoying having something else to think about.
Nishka xx
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Post by chica on Aug 27, 2007 8:47:32 GMT
Hi Nishka, So sorry to hear about your back. Back problems are the worlds worst, the pain is incredible as you say, have you managed to get any relief from it? As for guilt trips, I think I have been around the world and back many times over.... I think guilt is one of PNIs specialities. Forever beating us over the head. There is nothing wrong in needing a break or a helping hand to look after little ones, especially when we are unwell ourselves. Be kind to yourself. I love your guinea pigs names, what colour are they?? I love how they talk to you, I am sure you will enjoy many hours with them. We recently bought my twins hamsters and they are forever playing with them and handling them, definately one of the more successful things we have done for them. Enough for now, I have to go and get my two ready for a shopping expedition.
Sending you love and hugs Chica
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Post by sianyc on Aug 28, 2007 19:37:44 GMT
Hi Nishka
Re the guy in the office. I think if someone else was going too then it should be fine. It's a sort of buffer then isn't it
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Aug 29, 2007 9:04:45 GMT
Hiya again
Thanks for replying. I am feeling bad because I don't seem to be with it enough to read others posts on the site and reply to them... I feel I am all take and no give....Again feeling guilty!! AGH! Like you say Chica, I think guilt and PNI go hand in hand!!
Thanks sianyc... Well we would have been going as a group (or so I thought!) but when I came into work yesterday he said he ended up going on his own with the kids so prob best I didn't go. I think it will be okay if there are other people there but I still think its a bit flirty of him to ask me and give me his mobile number... But maybe thats just me. I always think men have a hidden agenda. I don't ever see them as 'real' people if that makes any sense... I think thats because I have always been used badly in past relationships. But having said that, my husband is not like that with me, he's lovely and very understanding. We haven't slept together at all recently and he doesn't seem bothered at all.. or if he is he doesn't show it. He knows that my ex partner constantly went on at me to have sex all the time and he knows it is something that drove me crazy so he doesn't put any pressure on me at all, which is really nice. I am just not a sexy person, I don't have any sex drive at all at the moment. I would rather just go to bed and sleep. Sometimes I also have problems with general intimacy - cuddling, kissing etc, sometimes I just feel soo cold and distant that I don't want to be touched by anyone. It must be hard for him but again he would never challenge me about it. Sometimes when we are lying in bed together with the light off and we are about to sleep he will ask me if he can hold me as if he is scared to touch me. I say of course he can and he will put his arm around me but I feel so very far away from reality.
I am okay - well I am coping with work again and feeling a bit better. I still have this overriding feeling that nothing is worthwhile and I don't really get a lot of pleasure from being at home or doing anything as a family... We went out to the woods on bank holiday monday and I spent the whole time feeling bored and fed up. I don't know why , surely thats meant to be fun! I just have this air of doom and gloom about me... I find I am picking fights with my family over the smallest of things.
Oh well... Will keep taking the pills and see how it goes. At least I can get through the day without bursting into tears, which has to be a good thing!
The piggies are fine... Piggle is white all over with pink eyes and Dotty is white with some yellowy patches of colour and a black dot on her back! (Hence the name Dotty!) - They are really sweet.. I love em to bits.
Will write again soon, thanks for the support and hope you are all feeling ok xxxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Sept 5, 2007 10:28:52 GMT
I have been okay this week. Work has been busy and I keep forgetting to take my medication (slap me now) but I am making a very big effort to take it every day. Its hard for me though because I am soooooooo forgetful. I seem to remember at the end of the day or sometimes the next day. I know this is not doing me any favours at all. I need to sort it out.
My little girl has started school today - she was in the attached nursery so it isn't too much of a shock to her and she is really excited about it all. Thing is now my mum and my husband are making comments about when are we going to have another baby... I am not sure if I ever want another baby. I feel on the one hand it would be nice for my daughter to have a sibling and I feel that my husband deserves to have a child of his own (since my daughter is from a previous relationship) but really, could I go through with it?
The whole thought of being pregnant is terrifying to me. I feel replused by the idea that something might grow in me and then want to come out in such a violent way. Maybe I am not normal. Surely it isn't normal to feel like this? But then I think is it normal to go through so much pain and agony to have a baby?? I can't understand women who want to have 'natural' birth. Years ago, fair enough but now we have all this pain relief and c sections - personally I would not have a 'normal' birth again. I can't understand anyone wanting to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of their other end. I don't get it. I know that my judgement is perhaps clouded by the horrific birth I had, but sometimes I wonder if I am just a wimp - maybe there is something wrong with me. I don't feel like a normal woman. I certainly don't seem to think like one...
How would life be with another baby? Husband and my mum are telling me that they will help out lots and do the night feeds (since I have this immune disorder which makes me exhausted) but would that help? Maybe I would just hate having a baby. Would I feel like it had ruined my life all over again???
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Post by cheshire on Sept 9, 2007 14:12:45 GMT
Hi Nishka Sounds like you had a good week Hope your little girl settled into school ok.. How's things? Hopefulx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Sept 10, 2007 14:16:58 GMT
Hiya again,
Thanks for the post, Hopeful. My little girl is settling well into her school. She seems ok.
I have had a really awful week actually.
I have been very very tired and grumpy. My consultant at the hospital rang me to say that my blood tests are still very abnormal and so they want me to go in and have an MRI scan. Which is quite worrying. I guess. So now I have to wait for yet another appointment. I don't know what they are going to find. It could be anything from nothing to a small harmless tumour on my thyroid or pituitary gland to brain tumour I guess.
It never rains but it pours.
My ex was a complete pig last week. He went on a boys weekend to Amsterdam on the weekend he was meant to have our daughter so me trying to be fair I told him he could have her the weekend after (even though the solicitor told me once that if he misses his weekend thats it, he has to wait till his turn again...) Anyway I was trying to be nice. This meant that he would have to pick her up from my mum at the train station on the Friday. He started kicking up all this fuss about how he needed to pick her up early so she would have to miss school - and I said, no - its her second day of school and its important. She can't miss it. (Bascially because he can't be bothered to come any later).
We ended up having a huge row during which he accused me of not being flexible enough (this was to do with HER and her best interests!!) and basically gave me a load of abuse via text messages.
I wouldn't back down so eventually he agreed to pick her up after school but he was a complete miserable sod to me. Never mind I guess because our little one had a fab time with him but he really knows how to wind me up. 4 years apart from him and I still feel like killing him sometimes. Not literally of course but he does so wind me up.
On the sunday myself and hubby (daughters step daddy) had the horrible journey down to London on the coach to go and pick little one up from her daddy. 4 hours on some stinking hot coach... The trains weren't running. She hated it, we hated it and no matter how much fun we tried to make it, it was horrible. Her dad was late bringing her to the station too which annoyed me because knowing him he prob did it on purpose... He was annoyed because we could only get the earlier coach and he wasn't happy- the train to the station runs every 10 mins but he was an hour late!!!!!!!! We had to run all the way to the coach and only just made it. a***h***. Sorry but I am sooooooooo pissed off. To top it all he gave me his cheque for his maintenance (a week late) and he left the addressee blank because he refused to write my married name. All this stuff annoys me.
I can't go down the solicitor route because he has his own business and they couldnt prove what he earns or anything. He is the bane of my life. He is my worst nightmare. I actually do have nightmares about him sometimes. I was so controlled by him. He was never physically violent as such towards me but I was always completely frightened of him. He is a bully and has a horrible twisting mentality with a big temper.
I hate him sometimes I really do. I hate him so much.
When we got home after the awful journey etc I was so mentally and physically exhausted that I could hardly talk to anyone. I felt so angry. I couldn't talk to my daughter. I know rationally its not her fault but I couldn't even look at her. I sat and read a book I had brought waiting for the first coach and I ignored her until she went off to play computer games with my hubby. I needed to be on my own.
My mum cooked us all dinner, of which I didn't have much, I put my daughter to bed with a story and a kiss and cuddle at 7.30 and I went to bed myself feeling completely knackered at 8. I slept all the way through till 7 this morning. I am soooo tired. I don't know whether thats due to the depression or the thyroid thing or both.
I have been taking my pills regularly now.
I am just sooo angry all the time. I keep thinking why has my life got to be this complicated?? Every other week I have to put up with my ex in some way or another and I am so sick of it but I have to do it for my little girl.
I just wish he wasn't so difficult to deal with. I feel like I go out of my way to try and get on with him but everything that I do he just throws it back at me somehow.
He makes me feel like the worst mother in the world and that I am a failure as a human being.
He makes me feel like I am not normal - but he is and he has the perfect life. Yeah right, being 33 living in a rented house with 7 other drinking buddies, going to the pub everynight and going out with the young barmaid.
AGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
I can't believe I was with him so long. I worked out I have known him closely nearly ten years now. TEN years!!
Sorry for ranting, just so peed off.
I wish I could have some time off work but I have no holiday left and I don't want to pull a sickie because knowing me I will need time off soon for thyroid something or other anyway.
Is this what my life is going to be from now on? Feeling soooo depressed.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 10, 2007 14:21:27 GMT
Hi Nishka
Sorry this is a quickie but I am just running out to pick my daughter up, wanted to let you know that I am listening, and I'm sorry things are all so complicated for you right now.
I hope this week is better for you hun, and we always here when you need to let off steam.
Take Care
Winegirl x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Sept 11, 2007 8:37:40 GMT
Thanks winegirl, that means a lot to me.
I am a bit better today. I got some sleep again last night (despite having a horrible nightmare about my ex - totally stupid thing about him being the devil and trying to kill me and I woke up feeling like it was very real... guess its the brains way of switching off....)
I am going to keep taking the medication and see how it goes. I have my daughter this weekend so I am trying to think of something to do with her so that she doesnt feel like life is one long thing of running about here and there.. I don't know what yet, maybe the cinema and a pizza or something.
I am struggling with money a bit at the moment. When I recently got married the bank cancelled all our direct debits (accidentally! great!) so we had to reset them all back up again and I think all our bill payments are all over the place.. More stress i don't need.
Oh well.
Another day, another dollar as they say.
Will write again soon. Hope you are all ok xxx
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Post by cheshire on Sept 13, 2007 21:17:10 GMT
Hi Nishka,
Hope you're ok.
Have you decided what you're doing yet at the weekend? Hope it goes ok.x.
Hopefulx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Sept 26, 2007 13:52:44 GMT
Hiya
Well I haven't posted in a while ... I have been feeling so much better. I think the citaolpram tablets are really helping me and I am feeling much more human. I still have the odd off day but generally I am better.
I have been enjoying my guinea piggies and also I have taken up knitting (!).. I used to do it when I was about 14 so I thought I would have another go and I am finding it very therapeutic. I spend a couple of hours each evening knitting and watching silly things on TV which helps me to unwind. I am trying to make a blanket for my little one (if nothing else maybe a dolly would like it!) and its given me something to work towards.
Still having probs with the ex etc, but whats new.
Hope everyone is ok xxx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 26, 2007 15:34:50 GMT
Hi Nishka
Glad things are pickin up for you! Sounds like the drugs are working well for you.
Good to hear from you
Winegirl x
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Post by Scarlet on Sept 26, 2007 15:42:09 GMT
Nishka, What lovely news that you are feeling better. I used to knit at one time as well when I was carrying my first. A blanket sounds like a challenge Keep in touch Scarlet X
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Oct 18, 2007 10:22:50 GMT
Hi again diary... I haven't written for a while but I feel the need to right now. I feel bad that I haven't replied to anyone else on the forum but I don't think I would be much use.
I have been feeling a bit more down again recently. Its gradually crept up on me... Maybe I need to have my pills adjusted or something. The thing is the doctors don't seem willing to do this because I have a suspected pituitary tumour and anti depressants can affect this so they only want me to have them at a low dose. I had my MRI scan done two weeks ago and despite constant chasing I am still waiting for the results.. I hope its nothing serious and something treatable. Not a brain tumour that is a nasty one or something horrible. I suppose you can't help but think the worst. Every time I get a headache I think I am going to die, its horrible. Its probably a pituitary tumour and they are treatable with medication so fingers crossed. Its to do with my thyroid problems..Oh well.
I am still doing the knitting. Its the one thing I really enjoy. I finished a jumper I started to knit - my first project and I am enjoying doing it in the evenings. I find it relaxing. However I do have my moments of depression when I think why I am I doing this? Its meaningless and pointless. Just like everything else really.
I have moments when I enjoy being around my daughter but to be honest I get fed up really quickly and I don't really enjoy playing with her or doing anything with her right now. Its all hard work. I look forward to the weekends she goes to stay with her Dad. I like the peace and quiet. My mum and my husband always go on about how they are missing her and I just feel glad to have time on my own. I worry about her and how she is but I can't say I miss her. And then I feel like a bad mum. I can't talk to anyone about how I feel. When I did try with my mum once she shouted at me that maybe A should go and live with her Dad then, someone who appreciates her. Thanks mum, thats really sensitive of you. And then I start thinking maybe she's got a point.
I don't feel like much of a mum right now. I can't bear the noise. I can't bear the games, the constant touching of her or even my hubby right now. Poor hubby - I haven't slept with him in weeks and weeks. He hasn't mentioned it because I think he knows I just don't feel like it but when I am feeling down I feel so disconnected and I don't want to have any physical touch. I still hug and kiss my daughter because I know how important it is for her but I feel disconnected... Thats the only way I can describe it.
I wish I didn't have to work full time but then I don't want to be at home either. Sometimes I feel I have no peace anywhere in my life.
Sorry for ranting on. I sound like a right old cow ranting and raving on here. Its the only place I can say how I feel.
I went out the other night. I went out for a curry with friends from work and afterwards I went to the pub with married flirty man and a couple of other people. I enjoyed having a flirt but thats all. When we left Mr Flirty asked if he could give me a lift home and I said no, I had another friend giving me a lift home instead. He asked if the friend lived near me and when I said no he asked again if he could take me home.. I said no, it was okay I had already arranged a lift.
I know I did the right thing. I can't be screwing my life up here. I love my husband, I don't want to sleep with anyone so what the hell is wrong with me? I feel like I am looking for something that isn't there. My life is one big mess sometimes and I don't want to feel like me. I want to be someone else.
So no worries. Will carry on. Wait for results. Wait till this horrible dark moment passes and keep on knitting. Its depressing but I think at least if I do die I will have left something to pass on. How morbid is that? I need a kick up the bum here.
Someone kick me.
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