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Post by chica on Oct 18, 2007 12:52:55 GMT
Hi Nishka, Lovely to hear from you again, but I am sad to hear that you are still going through so much. You rant and rave or scream as much as you want to honey. Its not surprising you are feeling how you are feeling, waiting for the results of you MRI scan must be horrendous for you. Although hopefully if they have kept you waiting that long, I am sure that there is nothing too disastrous, as I am pretty sure, that if anything was majorly wrong that they would have got back to you by now. Try not to worry too much, I know its a lot easier said than done. It doesnt sound like you need a kick up the bum to me, it sounds like you need some good old TLC. Although without the cuddles, I too went through a stage, of not being able to bear anyone near me too. Its awful isnt it, I would freak out even if the kids sat too near me on the sofa, I just wanted to run. It will all pass though, I promise. So carry on knitting, if it helps you relax. Anything that can give us even a few minutes respite from this blasted illness is a godsend. How are your little piggies?
Sending you lots of love and hugs Chica
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Oct 18, 2007 13:07:07 GMT
Thank you so much Chica. Your reply was really sweet and means a lot to me. Maybe you are right.. maybe I don't need a kick maybe I do need some TLC... but I don't seem to be able to let anyone get close to me right now. Maybe I am afraid. I don't know. It is good to know that I am not alone in feeling this way, even though obviously I am sad to hear you have been there too!
Ahhh the piggies! They are lovely... I have a new one actually so I have 3 now - Piggle, Dotty and Truffle and they are beautiful. They sit and watch me knit. I think they wonder what on earth I am doing. lol. I think my knitting and my piggies are the only things that keep me sane. I don't seem to mind cuddling them funnily enough.
I am trying not to worry about ther results of my scan but obviously it is so on my mind right now. I haven't been able to do much telemarketing at work because I just can't seem to get motivated and I know my mind is off on another planet a lot of the time.
Oh well... I just hope things get better!! xx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 18, 2007 19:09:41 GMT
Hi Nishka
I agree with Chica, these sorts of results normally come back straight away if they think there is a problem, i am sure it will b fine.
I know how you feel about knitting, i feel like that about my laptop lol! And i also am still at the stage where i hate being touched and need a bit of space to myself. I think you shoul continue to do things that make you feel good for as long as you need to x
Winegirl x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Oct 23, 2007 8:19:40 GMT
Hi again, thanks for the replies, hugs to you all. Things have been slightly better the past few days, I seem to be very up and down. I have been trying really hard to get on with my daughter and spend more time with her. This weekend we went and brought a pumpkin and made a pumkin lantern for Halloween which she seemed to enjoy, I wanted to try and do something together with her.
The thing I am finding hard is that my little one gets so frustrated so quickly... She is trying to learn to read and if she can't get the word right away she gets very angry and starts crying. I try to encourage her to keep calm and reassure her telling her that she will get there and we all have to learn - but she so desperately wants to do it! I think she gets her stubborness from me.... ! Its quite stressful reading her a bedtime story even right now because she wants to read it for herself and obviously being only 4 she can't- so it takes us about half an hour to get through a simple book! I want to be patient with her and help her but sometimes I do seriously wonder what on earth I am doing with a child in the first place. I don't feel like a mum at all sometimes, but I do try to be a good mum. I don't want her to grow up having horrible memories of me.. I want her to have good ones, so I keep going!
My husband is driving me nuts... He keeps being really loud in the evenings with A. He doesn't seem to know how to do anything quietly with her and gets her all hyped up playing rough and tumble games until bedtime, then of course she's not sleepy anyway!! AGHH! Its not a big deal I guess but it all adds to my feelings of stress. I have tried to talk to him about it but he seemed very hurt because thats how he likes to bond with her because its something special for them so I think maybe I am being the fuddy duddy. Maybe I have to cope with it. Thing is apart from anything else I always panic they are going to hurt each other - not deliberately of course but just through throwing themselves about. It makes me so on edge.
My knitting is coming along well... I finished my scraf for little one. She was quite difficult about it, saying she didn't want it and didn't like it etc... (Great). But at the end she decided she did quite like it. (!) So we'll see. Sometimes I think she says things just to wind me up so I am trying very hard not to rise to it and just keep calm. I feel like she wants to challenge me all the time at the moment and I don't really understand why!
I still haven't heard from the hospital.. They said they would write to me so I have to wait and see what it says... (gulp). I know you are prob both right, it is prob nothing. I think I am just naturally very pessimistic.
I have been spending too much money, prob through boredom. My hubby and I are nearly always into our overdraft by the end of the month and its mainly down to me spending on clothes and make up etc etc. I know I shouldn't do it but I can't seem to stop myself. For that one moment that I spend the money I feel good about myself and I sort of forget everything else....I know thats why they call it 'retail therapy' so I am not alone! I just wish I had more self control.
I think I am going to have a busyish day at work today. I have lots of phone calls to make and my flirty man is in the office today so that might provide me with some fun perhaps. Who knows.
I still haven't slept with hubby... I think its been nearly a month or so now. I can't remember (terrible isn't it??). We are having more cuddles, I am really trying and on Sat my mum got up with little one so we laid in bed for a little while laughing about various things and cuddling. It was quite nice. I still don't have any sexual appetite at all however, for all I care to be honest I think I could live as a nun for the next 80 years! (!!) I wasn't always like this - I remember when hubby and I first got together we were very into each other in that way (!) but I think as time has gone on these things just disappear. I think I enjoy the excitement of a new relationship but I don't see the point in having sex with someone you have been with for 5 years... Ouch, that sounds horrible. I don't mean it quite like that.. I just mean I think for me the novelty kind of wears off a little bit. I did think that hubby was feeling upset about lack of intimacy too but actually I don't know that he is... I talked to him about it the other night and he said that he feels the same, he can't be bothered and he is too tired most of the time anyway. Hmmm... Maybe he's gay??? lol I don't think I have ever met a man like that before!! I worry that he's lying to be nice to me. Or maybe he really does mean that.. ?? When I read about married couples having sex about 3 times a week I just think I would rather do my knitting... !! Is that right?? I keep thinking there is something seriously wrong with us! I don't suppose there is a 'right' way to be, I suppose its whatever is comfortable for you.
I have to say that I don't think I connect sex and love in the same way that other people do... I can't say I have really enjoyed sex within a relationship as such, just as part of the exciting bit in the beginning! Maybe I need some lessons, or therapy. I don't know. To be honest I only care about the lack of sex in my life because you read about it so much in the magazines and you are made to feel there is something wrong with you for not wanting to do it! (How sad do I sound??)
One thing is for sure though, if hubby and I don't get it on together at some point we won't be having the baby he really wants!! (I am not keen on that idea right now but I said I would think about it). I think we will end up being one of those mums and dads whose kids can actually say with honesty that their mum and dad only had sex the number of kids they have!!
I suppose I better go and do some work... Groan. I feel like a grumpy old woman - and I am 27! Eeeeeeeeek!!
Take care everyone. Lots of love xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Oct 23, 2007 17:52:05 GMT
Hi Nishka
I understand exactly how you feel about the whole sex issue! I am at the end of the scale where I am actually terrified of it! Unfortunately, my OH is not too tired for it, so is becoming somewhat impatient. But I am sure it will come back for bot of us soon x
Glad you got the scarf done! Whats next? Any more knitting patterns you have eyed up?
I also hear what you say about the retail therapy, though mine is all based around buying clothes toys etc for my daughter - it has to stop. I think sometimes we just do it to cheer ourselvs up for a bit!
Glad you are feeling a bit better, and hope you start having more ups than downs!
Winegirl x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Oct 25, 2007 10:35:47 GMT
Hiya Winegirl, thanks for the reply. Glad I am not alone in the sex thing... I have been reading through the forum and it seems it is a common problem! Oh well... I suppose sex isn't the be all and end all of everything anyway, the media just wants us to think that it is!! I hope you and your OH are okay - its very stressful for both of you I guess.. My hubby has made a few hints about it in the last few days so I don't think I have completely gotten away with it!! I usually manage to say I am really tired and then fall asleep very quickly!! (or so he thinks!) Terrible isn't it really??
Awww I know how it feels to be constantly buying things for your little one.. I do the same. I spent £60 in Next online for clothes for her this week (eeek!) Money we don't have really but I sort of tell myself she needs them for winter etc. Its all silly really but like you, sometimes it cheers me up and maybe thats worth it alone.
I am not too bad.. have ups and downs. Been starting a new knitting project - well two actually!- a scarf for my mum which she picked out the wool for (!) and also a pair of socks for me! I have never knitted socks before so its quite a challenge!! I will see how it goes... Gives me something else to think about!! I am becoming quite sad and have lots of knitting stashed all over the place.. I am sure hubby thinks I have gone quite crazy.
I am just feeling really tired right now. I still haven't had any news from the hospital.. I rung them AGAIN and they said they will send me a letter soon AGAIN... Oh well. Keep waiting. Even if it isn't anything serious I still might need to change my medication so I want to get started on that. Its such a pain in the arse. (sorry).
I am working today.. can't get the motivation there. I should be doing masses of telesales calls but I really hate doing that... Yawn.
Still at least I am not feeling completely suicidal for a change and I guess thats something... (You know what I mean anyway!)
Chat soon, Take care xxxx
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Post by sianyc on Oct 25, 2007 11:10:34 GMT
Hey Nishka, Sorry I haven't been around much lately
You're being really hard on yourself lovely. You're worried about the MRI results which is bound to get you down. Don't Thyroid conditions cause depression as well? My MIL has a problem with hers and that's one of the things with the illness.
I don't really enjoy playing with my kids either. I like watching a dvd with them and going out for a walk or to the park and I don't mind cooking with them or doing play doh. The majority of things bore me to tears to be honest. When they were babies, I couldn't imagine anything more tedious than rattle shaking and face pulling zzzzzzzzzzzz
You shouldn't feel guilty that you enjoy the weekends she stays with her dad. Everyone needs a break and you've said she enjoys it too. So you're no earth mother - few of us are and I'll bet they're no fun anyway :-)
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Nov 16, 2007 11:45:59 GMT
Hi again
Thanks for the reply Sianyc. You're very sweet.. And you are prob right in saying earth mothers are not any fun anyway! lol I hope things are good with you. xx
I have been okay ish. I got my results back from the hospital and apparently my MRI scan was clear which should be great news, and is!, but on the other hand I wish I had something small and treatable because now I feel I have no reason for the way I am feeling (tired all the time etc) other than the fact I am a miserable old cow and I have severe depression. Which I know is serious in itself, but wouldn't it be great to have a physical thing that could be treated?? Still I am of course grateful that I don't have a brain tumour or anything horrendous. Of course Thyroid probs as you said do cause depression and so I have a bit of a double whammy on my hands with that and the PNI. Lucky me.
Sorry I am in a bit of a bitchy mood.. Just in one of those sorts of moods, don't know why. I am feeling a bit angry with the world today.
I feel fed up. My little girls best friends mum (if that makes sense) has found out that she is pregnant and everyone is happy for her and for some reason that makes me feel really really really angry. I don't know what on earth is wrong with me. I know it must be something to do with the PNI but I can't quite put my finger on what on earth it is, why do I feel this way?? I don't want to be pregnant myself... Maybe I just hate being reminded of it all. As I said before I hate being around children and their parents full stop so I guess a pregnant woman who planned it and is happy about it all is the worst of all. My mum is closer friends with her than I am and my mum and I ended up having a huge row about it because I said I thought she was maybe making a bit of a mistake because she hasn't been with the guy long etc. I turned into a right old grump and I couldn't stop myself. Mum said I was being horrible and it was just because of my experiences, so I said I didn't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about anyone being pregnant. I want to pretend that pregnancy and babies don't exist. Makes me cringe just thinking about it. How weird am I. I felt really emotional for the rest of the day and even now thinking about it. I feel like crying. I am so down.
A hasn't been very well... She has been sick nearly non stop for two days (bug from the school) and its been hard work and I feel really sorry for her. I have been at home with her watching DVD's and trying to keep her okay. I suppose I am exhausted from that too.
I am back at work today. None of my friends are in. I should be doing some work but I can't get my mind into gear today.
My husband and I seem to be a little bit closer at the moment. We managed to 'do the deed' (!!) this weekend which is something SO rare for us as I am sure those of you delving into my diary will know!! We spent the day out shopping together (my little girl was with her Dad in London) and I brought some new underwear from Marks and Spencers... My husband had a say in what I got - I didn't mind, it was fun. He chose a couple of really lacy and sexy bras and some matching knickers and when we got home I put them on for him and gave him a fashion show and we ended up laughing and being silly and then we made love. It was actually really nice.. I think I had forgotten how nice it was.. I think hubby thought it was Christmas... lol
Since then needless to say we have gone back to our old ways of me knitting next to him on the sofa and then us going to sleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow!!
My flirty friend at work has been even worse lately. Now if I send him an email about anything work related he will come and see me instead of emailing me back (no matter how small it is) and he will stand at my desk and chat to me for ages about everything and anything. He also seems to time having his lunch at the same time as me and often when I am sitting in the kitchen at work eating my lunch and reading the paper he will come in and sit next to me and try to make conversation. I don't mind, I like him and we have a good laugh. I wouldn't do anything else with him mind you because I love my hubby and why would I want to ruin that, but I enjoy having a flirt and a giggle with a man who is okay looking and smells nice too.... (He comes into work from being at the gym and he has a shower there and always smells fab... lol) Not that my hubby doesn't you see... he smells lovely too! I just have a thing for nice smelling men.. Its the most important thing to me. I think its because my Dad always used to smell of coffee and fags so anyone who smells fresh and of aftershave is like WOW to me.
Something else a little strange has happened to me. When I was little my mum was always in and out of mental hospital (I was aged 4 -6, 1984 time ish). I have terrible memories of this time and of visiting her in the hospital. I always sort of imagined that when I got older and I felt able to confront it I would go back to the hospital and visit the grounds and try and deal with my feelings I have about it. I thought maybe the time had come so I looked on the internet to find out the details for the particular hospital and it doesn't exist anymore!! Its been knocked down and they have built a housing development in its place. I am mortified. I know in a way I should be pleased because surely this should show me how long ago it was and I should move on but I feel like my chance for closure (if thats the right word) has been taken away from me. I feel quite depressed about it. I wanted to go and be that little girl again sitting in the grounds of the hospital with my mum, not wanting to go home and be looked after by my Dad who didn't seem to care about me. I wanted to have a chance to grieve for my childhood I guess and now I don't feel that I can. I feel I have to keep on plodding forward again. I guess even if the hospital was there and I could have gone it doesn't mean it would have helped me - I could have come back feeling even worse being confronted with it all. But now I don't have that choice.
Just another thing thats been taken away from me.
Oh well, thanks for listening to my ramblings.
Hugs till next time. Keep well. xxxxxxxx
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Post by sianyc on Nov 16, 2007 17:40:34 GMT
Hi Nishka
I've been wondering where you'd got to!
Flirty friend at work sounds like he's getting ideas :-)) Still, there's no harm in a a bit of flirting lovely so don't let it worry you.
I always get the urge to commiserate with anyone who says they're pregnant. It's a very recent thing for me to actually think 'oh that's lovely'.
Do you get any counselling that could help you to talk about your mum being in the hospital when you were young? Now that your idea about how to deal with it all won't be possible, it may help to talk things through. This is sort of do as I say and not as I do advice cos I'm pants at opening up face to face. I do know people who have found counselling helpful though and lots of the ladies here have it too.
Sorry this is a bit disjointed - Caitlin is playing her keyboard (badly) and I can't think straight x
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Post by winegirl on Nov 16, 2007 18:45:13 GMT
Hi Nishka
Good to hear from you. I am sorry you cannot revisit the hospital hun, could there be another way you could deal with this issue?
Nothing wrong with a bit of flirting at work babes! Makes the job a bit more interesting. And well done on doing the deed with your hubby, makes me wonder if I should get round to just doing it! Think I would need more than some nice underwear though!
I know how you feel about the pregnant friend. I feel like this sometimes too, I think for me it is jealousy that they will probably have a lovely pregnancy, a lovely birth and a lovely motherhood withot PNI shadowing it. Though Im not sure.
Anyway nce to hear from you again x
WG x
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Nov 19, 2007 9:26:20 GMT
Hiya
Thanks for your messages... I think both of you have hit the nail on the head when it comes to other peoples pregnancies and my reactions. I realise I still feel so raw about it all and its been nearly 5 years on I guess and I still feel like it was yesterday. Sian, I had to sort of giggle when you said you find it hard not to commiserate with people who announce they are pregnant! I am exactly the same... My initial thought is mostly "Oh god, poor them, how are they going to get through it??" and then the feeling sorry for them trying to cope with a screaming baby waking you up every few hours... and then I feel as Winegirl says, jealous. They are prob going to have a great birth, a wonderful baby that they are going to bond with and love - and all the getting up in the night etc etc is going to be great, because thats what mums do, don't they?? Ouch.
I hope your ears have recovered from the keyboard playing, Sian! I know how you feel - my little girl has a guitar and she reckons she is Jonny Cash with it!! lol
Don't worry Winegirl - I think the sexy night with the underwear was a bit of a one off.. I have gone back to my usual old non sexy self, hardly kissing my poor hubby in fact for the past few days.... Poor man. He must wonder what on earth he has married. I do try but when I am feeling very down I don't like anyone near me, I can't bear touch. I have to sit and knit or paint my nails, something sort of meditational and unthinking.
I am not too good at the moment. I think the whole thing about the hospital not being there anymore and my mum etc etc has made me think a lot about my childhood and everytime I lay down and try to go to sleep I just see all these images of me as a child. I think a lot of how I feel about my daughter is somehow linked into my feelings about my own childhood. I was never abused as such or anything like that but I did feel somehow responsible for my mums mental illness (she was diagnosed as Schizophrenic and was sectioned 4 times when I was 4-8 years old for months at a time). My mum was always ill most around Christmas so Christmas is a terrible depressing time for me. I was always at home with my Dad (he was miserable as you can imagine) and I always felt like the stress of me and of Christmas pushed my mum over the edge and she would end up back at the hospital. We used to go and visit her on Christmas day and all the memories I have of Christmas between 4-8 are of visiting her in the mental hosptial because this was the only thing I really wanted for Christmas - my mum to be well.
Sorry I feel quite emotional writing this. I don't know why I can't let it go... For Gods sake it was so long ago and my mum is still here and she is mostly well now. She does take anti depressants as I do but she hasn't been in hospital for 20 years... She doesn't take any antipsychotics or anything like that. Sometimes I just feel lik e I am respsonsible for her... I think ever since I was a small child I have felt that I have to be the one to do things for her. I have memories of being at home with her when she came out of hospital (I must have been 4 - the same age as my daughter now) making her cups of water and taking them into her when she was watching the TV and she would tell me to make sure I put tin foil over the top to stop the poison getting in (she was mad, of course). I remember when I was 5 it was near Christmas and all I wanted was for her to be well and stay with me and she wouldn't get out of bed and I knew she would end up in hospital again.. I went up and sat with her on the end of the bed - my Dad told me to go and see her - so I knew she would be going back in hospital again. I looked at her and she was crying. My world was so sad at that age.
I don't want that for my daughter, I want her to have good memories and good things in her life. But somehow I feel like the more I struggle for that the harder I am finding it to cope with my own memories. I am really struggling with it all and I don't think I know to get through it.
I sat up in bed last night crying and feeling terrible because I felt like I hadn't been very nice to my little girl yesterday... I don't think I had done anything particularly terrible, I was just tired and grumpy with her. But then I think so what, other mums do much worse?? I think I am just trying to be supermum to make up for the pitfalls in my own childhood. I was crying because I miss my Grandad who died when I was 6 because he was the only person in my childhood who allowed me to be a child - we used to go chasing 'dinosaurs' (mostly carrier bags stuck in trees!) in the park.
For Gods sakes, I have to pull myself together. What good is all this crying going to do? I am never going to get over it, been down the counselling route and I didn't find it helpful so somehow I just have to stop thinking about it all and get on with it... It was twenty years ago, put a lid on it and move on .
I don't feel I can talk to my husband about any of this because I feel so silly. I don't think he would understand but then part of me thinks I should tell him something because I know he is worried about me and he prob thinks I don't love him anymore or something like that, which of course isn't true. I just don't even know how to begin telling him all this stuff. He knows my mum was ill a lot when I was little but he doesn't know all the ins and outs... His own mum had PNI when he was little (when she had his younger brother) and she was hospitalised so I think he has some knowledge of what it is like although he was a bit older than me and also had a closer bond with his dad and his older sister. (I am an only child and my Dad was out a lot of the time... He never used to cook me dinner when my mum was ill, he would just bring home a loaf of bread for me to eat!!)
ANYWAY... deep breaths.
I have to take daughter for her injection after work today which is another thing I am dreading. I am so scared of them hurting her and her thinking I am responsible. I don't want her to be hurt by anyone, but obviously I know it is for her own good so of course I have to take her.
Work is horrible.... I really hate my job, I don't see any point in it and I hate doing all the marketing cleansing working through the lists etc. Its a horrible horrible boring job. I keep looking at the job ads hoping something else will come up but it doesn't - the village I live in is very small so I don't have much hope of finding something else that pays the same unless I go out of the village and I don't fancy all the travelling much.
I guess I don't really know what I want out of life. I could have another child and hope and pray that everything goes okay this time - but what if it doesn't? What if the birth and my bonding with them is as bad as it was before?
I keep hoping I am going to find the 'magic' formula to make me happy again but I don't seem to be able to do it.... Knitting and my guinea pigs and silly TV (been watching Im a Celeb thingy).. Thats the only things that allow me to switch off.
Anyway I better go... I guess I should do SOME work today... my flirty man isn't even in the office today - what am I going to do to keep busy??? lol
Lots of love and hugs
Nishka xxxxxxxxxxx
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Post by sianyc on Nov 19, 2007 17:17:49 GMT
You're giving yourself a very hard time lovely. I think PNI intensifies how you feel about everything and makes you analyse everything. Added to that a complete inability to process it and 'get over it' means it will take longer to accept what has happened. I know that's what it did to me anyway.
Being a bit tired and grumpy with the little one is natural. Acting the perfect mother around her won't teach her anything ;D
I hope talking on here helps you as we're all here listening to you and willing you to feel better soon xxx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Nov 19, 2007 19:16:35 GMT
Hi Nishka, I came and read through all of your diary after you posted on mine and I'm completely hooked. I can empathise with so much of what you're feeling, the lack of interest in sex, tiredness, and general PNI symptoms. It's a killer isn't it?!
I remember feeling exactly like you do after my first one and just searching endlessly for some meaning in life and to be happy. I thought everyone else was happy and had the magic formula but I couldn't find it. I'm sorry to say I never did find that magic solution. I even tried kicking out my OH and taking things further than the harmless flirt with the 'work guy'. I kept thinking that maybe if I'd been with him then I wouldn't have got down but really it was just that he was something for me to focus on that wasn't about my child or home life. Day to day being a Mum is pretty hard work and can be very very dull. The endless cooking, playing, washing and cleaning can get so tedious. My escape was my job but it doesn't sound like you're enjoying that either.
I really wish I could suggest one thing that would fix the way you feel but time is going to be the only real healer, coupled with a large dose of counselling (or at least expressing your feelings through this site) and lots of support - crying doesn't make you a weak person, it's a healing process and you need to let out any sadness and pain you have. You are not your Mum and your daughter will not suffer from seeing you expressing your emotions. You're a person and entitled to have feelings, they don't go away just because you gave birth, so let yourself grieve for your childhood and any pain you've felt in your past. It's better out than in eating away at you.
By the way - the 'work guy' is now ancient history and my OH and I have been able to work through things together. As you know from my diary I've just had the second one and although the horrible PNI has returned it really is different this time. Don't have another one though thinking it will fix things - it's just as hard work as you remember I promise!!!
Take care. xxx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 19, 2007 20:29:40 GMT
Just wanted to say that I often cry at night if i have been a bit snappy with my daughter. I worry that she has gone to bed thinking how awful I am. I have to remind myself that every one gets wound up with their kids sometimes.
xx WG
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Nov 21, 2007 9:11:17 GMT
Hi
Thanks so much for all your kind replies... They mean a lot to me and it is really nice to have reassurance that I am not the most terrible mother in the world (which I often feel like I am!!) I can't really bring myself to re read the last post I made, I wrote that one straight from the heart (sorry to be cliche) about the most painful times in my life - some of them anyway - and just thinking about it makes me feel quite down. Having said that however I feel really pleased I was able to get all that out, I feel strangely calmer for having done it.
Just knowing I can come on here and let it all out is comforting to know. I don't feel like I am going to explode anymore, knowing that I can come on here and get all my feelings out somewhere safe.
So whats been happening??
Well I dyed my hair bright red and dyed my bathroom at the same time (!!) ... It looked like someone had been murdered in there (oops). My daughter helped me to rinse it out and she found it really funny... it was quite sweet.
My mother in law is driving my husband mad (his mum). She is a bit mentally unstable at the best of times and you need a lot of patience to cope with her (!) but she got him to order a book for her off the internet and now she keeps ringing up every day going on and on about when its going to come (we have been told about 2 weeks time). He spends ages on the phone with her talking to her and trying to reassure her its going to be okay etc but she gets herself in a right state and she keeps him on the phone for hours chatting about rubbish. Then he had a row with his sister about going down to London for Christmas (we live in Norfolk). He said he couldn't afford to go and she said, what about your family??? And he says, This is my family here!! Then she started going on about how we are not related like she is to him and we aren't really his true family!!! Cheek!! Now all this would be okay if she was 12 - or understandable at least- but she's older than him at 34!! What a joke! She doesn't have a clue... She really hates me for 'taking him away from her' which is stupid.. She wouldnt come to our wedding for the same reason. I think he is feeling a bit hurt in general by his family at the moment - his dad has the same stance as his sister (he hid in the spare room for our whole wedding because he doesn't like me and doesn't believe in marriage!!) All I can do is be there for him I guess.
My daughters jab went okay - she was soooo brave!! Awww. The nurse put the injection in and we counted to 4 and it was all done - she only cried for a few secs when it was over! Wow.. I think I screamed the place down when I had mine! I brought her an apple cake and a horrid henry book as a treat afterwards. She was really good and it wasn't as bad as I was expecting.
She is really grumpy at the moment though - she seems to lose her patience reaaally quickly with everything. She is cross with herself that she can't read despite all my reassurances and telling her it takes time etc.. She is a bit like me I guess, she wants everything to happen NOW.
This weekend she is away at her Nanny's with her real Dad. They will pick her up on Friday and bring her back late Sunday... I think I am going to spend the weekend knitting. I would love to go into the city centre to go shopping but hubby and I are majorly overdrawn - mostly my fault (gulp) so I think I had better behave. When I am down I always spend more.
Work has been interesting this week!! - Well in terms of flirty man anyway. I think people in the office are beginning to get a bit suspicious... Not of me being naughty but of him because he is always hanging about my desk!! Yesterday he came into work for 20 mins before he had to go to a meeting and the lady I work with was asking me why he bothered to come in at all for just 20 mins to sit in the kitchen chatting to me? Gulp. I said I don't know I have no idea. (!)
Thing is, I sort of have an ulterior motive here. He is the training director at the company and I can use that to my advantage. That sounds really horrible. I mean if I can flirt with him then he can help me to do well at work. (Using my feminine touch!! - sort of girl power in reverse....!)
Anyway so yesterday he came to my desk to chat to me and we ended up going on about work and I said I didn't feel a campaign I am running for another department is going particularly well etc (bottom lip wobble etc). He asked whether I have had any training in that and I said no not really, which is true. He said that he would give me 3 days worth of training spread over the next few weeks worth £3000 for free!! (He charges individuals at other companies £3000 for the course). Yipee!!
He said everytime he is in and I am in we will spend an hour or so together (gulp!) doing some of the course. Maybe he is just being friendly- what do you think? It seems like a very generous thing to do considering it is not even going to benefit his department and it will take up a lot of his time. I wonder what everyone in the office is going to make of it! I feel a bit guilty actually because I work with another woman in marketing and she's been there longer than me and she is not going to get the training .. I don't really know how to handle it or whether I should mention it at all. I don't want to seem like a teachers pet if you know what I mean!! I don't think he is particularly fond of the other woman and her style of marketing so I think he is sort of using me to try out a different, more 'hard sell' way of doing things. Maybe he is using me too... Who cares though, its all good. I can use the training in the future on my CV etc so its of benefit to me too.. I just do wonder though in that hour that we have together every time we are in at the same time, how much 'work' are we actually going to get done or will we just end up chatting about life etc?? He seems to be looking forward to it, saying yesterday "It will be fun!" I bet it will!!- Cheeky monkey. Today, this afternoon is our first session. Think of me!!
Its only Tues and I can't wait for the weekend already... what am I like???
I better go now, going to have some breakfast (bread roll and butter...) I haven't eaten very well the past few days because I have been very down. I sit down with a big plate of dinner, have two bites and chuck the whole lot in the bin. I just don't have the appetite. I don't really feel like eating anything when I am down but I am going to try and eat small amounts regularly today and see how I go.
Take care everyone, will write again soon. Thank you for listening to me. Hugs
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