nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Nov 30, 2007 11:22:40 GMT
lol Sianyc - you made me giggle when I read your reply... ! Hee hee... My flirty man is also going bald but I guess with men in their late 30's / early 40's these things happen!! Luckily he is blond so it doesn't notice that much! Hugs to you xx
Things have been okay at home... hubby is feeling really bad about the stress he put me though and I feel bad that he feels bad. What a pair we are!! He says he is worried about me because I seem distant but I said to him that I think its just because of all the worry this week. I tend to shut myself down to a point that I become almost numb when these things happen.
Its just a waiting game now to see if he get any replies to any of the jobs he's gone for, and obviously to keep looking on the net etc to see what else comes up in the meantime. He has swapped departments at work so he is not running the busiest one and he seems a lot happier with that.
I am going to take A to the beach this weekend. She is desperate to go, despite me telling her it is likely to be FREEEEEEZING (!) so I agreed to it on the promise that we would have lunch in a nice warm cafe somewhere afterwards!! She is really excited about it. I think she is missing me a bit because she has had a week at school, then a weekend at nanny's and then a week off feeling sick while I am at work (she's got my mum to look after her). She keeps asking me when I am going to have a day off. Being a working mum really tugs at your heart strings sometimes. If it's not the PNI making you feel guilty its the work instead... !
Our bank balance is looking terrible. I have overspent last month and we can't seem to get ourselves back to black so to speak! Its not terrible as such but put it this way we only have £200 to last us 3 weeks with all the direct debits and everything else going out... and I got paid today!! OOPS. Most of my wages went towards paying off the £1000 overdraft we had gone into and then there was only a smidgen left... Oops. I feel really bad. Oh well... it goes up and down, up and down. Gulp. Hubby gets paid in 3 weeks so we will be okay.
I did some more training with Flirty man yesterday. It was horrible actually because he kept pointing out to me everything that I was doing wrong on the telephone when I am selling and he kept taking the mick out of the way I sound and it really upset me. I don't think I take kindly to criticism! (Even though I know he is trying to help me!) I think he knew he had peed me off because when we had finished he went into the kitchen and made me a tea in a mug that said "STRESSED" on it. LOL. Very funny.
Today there is hardly anyone in the office so I have decided that I am not going to do any work. Bad I know but I have just had such a terrible week that I don't feel like it. I am going to fiddle about on the internet. I realised I hadn't taken my thyroid tablets for 3 days (naughty woman I am) so no wonder I was struggling to cope with everything... I started again this morning. I keep them by my bed so there's no need for me to forget- I think I just had a lot on my mind.
xxxx
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Bobyn
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Post by Bobyn on Nov 30, 2007 18:03:36 GMT
The trick in December is not to check your bank balance until you've had at least one glass of wine. In January don't check it at all! Christmas is terrible for finances isn't it?! I liked your post yeterday about being emailed pictures of the kids and dogs - hmmm, bet you were real pleased to see the dogs LOL... This awful weather doesn't make the week feel any better does it, just think it can only get better next week. x
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Dec 3, 2007 11:43:30 GMT
Hi all
Bobyn I LOVE the statement about looking at bank accounts... Thats sooo true. At least I know I am not alone. I hate bank account statements etc. Everytime I log on my online banking I hold my breath. Its evil.
I hope you have all had good weekends. Hugs to everyone. xxx
My weekend was okay ish. I had A this weekend so mum and I took her to the beach as we planned which was as suspected FREEEEZING but she really enjoyed it. We walked on the sand and she wrote her name and drew some pictures.. So sweet. Then we threw stones in the sea. We had fish and chips in the cafe - I don't think I have ever seen her eat so much in my life! WOW. Then we played in the arcades and she won some tickets which you could exchange for prizes. She chose some bubble mixture - I think by now the whole front room has been covered in bubbles... Its was a nice time out. And I drove there and back myself - I am trying to learn to drive! So thats pretty good for me too.
The rest of the weekend was quite hard work. I seem to be better when I am out of the house. A got bored very quickly once we were home and she kept asking me to play with her but I just didn't have the energy. We seemed to spent the rest of the weekend in front of the TV... I feel guilty about that but I was just so tired. I think working full time really takes it out of me and also with this thryoid thing even though I am taking the pills I still seem to get more tired than most people. (Prob the depression as well I guess).
I did some knitting and managed to finish one of the socks I am working on for my mum... Just starting the second one.
My hubby seems to have calmed down at work now. Maybe he was just having a shit day or something.. He doesn't seem to be so dead on leaving now. He says he is still going to look out for jobs and apply to any that come up which are suitable but now hes switched departments at work he seems a bit more balanced. He went on a work night out on Sat and I must say it was quite nice to have time on my own in front of the TV after the week I had last week!!
Hubby and I still don't seem to be talking to each other all that much. There seems to be a distance between us since the job thing and I don't think I quite know whats going on in his mind. I just want him to be confident and for me to feel confident that he's not going to leave his job or do anything silly!!
He has sent me a text this morning saying that he loves me etc etc. I don't suppose its all bad then.
We spent last night watching Watership Down on DVD - I brought it because it means a lot to me. In trying to reconnect with my childhood - as mentioned before about the mental hospital etc- one thing that I do remember is watching WD with my beloved Grandad. It was my fave film as a child and although I remember being frightened by the brutality of it, it was strangely comforting to me to see that pain and desperation that I suppose I felt about my mum etc shown on TV. If that makes sense!! Anyway when my Grandad died when I was 6 I don't think I ever watched the film again - I consider it to me our special film. So in trying to get my thoughts in order and cope with my feeling I brought the DVD last week. I was actually really scared of watching it because I didn't know what memories or feelings it might bring back. But anyway I watched it and I have to say although I did have a cry in places it wasn't nearly as terrible as I remembered it and the memories I had back are good ones of my Grandad. I am pleased I watched it. I am wondering whether I should let A watch it. I don't know if it will upset her in the way it upset me but it was so important to me as a child maybe I shouldn't deny her that. Perhaps it would be something 'bonding' (!) for us to do together. I don't know. I am in two minds.
Back in the office today. Everyone at work is completely grumpy. There is alot of bad feelings flying about in terms of politics at the moment. I am lucky because I am not really involved in it all. I just have to sit here and pretend that I am working hard. lol
Mr Flirty came in in a complete state today. He was burgled at the weekend!! He went out to play golf and his wife went out for the first time in weeks leaving the door unlocked. (The kids were with his mum and dad). Anyway someone (or several people) broke in and completely wrecked everything. They stole all the Tv and computer stuff, his kids toys and DVD collection (how sick is that!) they took all the jewellery they had, antiques and heirlooms etc. Its awful. He said they completely ransacked the place over and above what they needed to do to get the stuff - they completely smashed a lot of the windows and destroyed a lot of the furniture. They also took all the Christmas presents for the kids that they had brought. I feel so sorry for him. He's not having a good time of things at the moment.
Better go now, I am going to have a cup of tea. I have completely lost my appetite at the moment and I haven't eaten well this weekend, apart from some of the fish and chips at the seaside. The thought of food keeps making me feel sick. I sit down with something to eat, eat a bite and throw the whole thing in the bin. I can't stop doing it. I know I will have to get around this or I am going to be ill.
xxxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 3, 2007 18:44:16 GMT
Hi Nishka
I went through a stage of not being able to eat anything as it made me feel sick. But it did pass, and now I actually have the opposite problem!
Your day at the beach sounds lovely! Sounds like my dream day out with my LO to be honest! Cant wait for the weather to get a bit better next year to take her myself.
As for Watership Down, I love that film, but cant watch it without crying. I know it has a lot of memories for you, but i think it is good for you to go back to your childhood in such a calm and lovely way.
Hope the rest of your week goes ok x
WG x
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Dec 7, 2007 10:08:03 GMT
Hi again
Thanks for the message winegirl, hope you are okay.
I haven't had a bad few days- apart from being ill with a sore throat! What a pain. As soon as the weekend comes around I seem to be ill!!
A and I have been getting on quite well. She's been very sweet and I have been trying to help her with her reading etc. She's trying so hard, its very sweet. I am nearly organised for Christmas - shock horror. (Much to the horror of checking my bank account today and finding out we are £600 overdrawn on the 7th of the month! AGH!) I have booked some pantomime tickets for all of us on the boxing day - A really wanted to go and I thought it would be nice for us to do something special together.
Hubby and I aren't getting on that well.. We don't seem to be talking very much. When we are at home in the evenings together we pretty much stay in our own rooms and go to bed at different times. He doesn't seem to see anything wrong with that but I am feeling a bit lonely.
Oh well.
Work has been okay. We have been putting a Christmas tree up which has been fun and I havent felt quite so stressed about everything this week.
Mr Flirty was in a seriously flirty mood yesterday. He complimented me on my perfume and said I smelt very 'fresh' (!) and also complimented me on my hair. lol. We spent the day chatting and being silly. He was going on about how meeting your partner at work is quite common (!!) and so we got chatting about how he met his wife and how I met hubby etc etc. (He told me his wife hated him when she first met him but he ended up 'getting off with her' at the Christmas party where they worked together- seemed a very colloquial way of putting it for a director LOL but fair enough!!) We sent each other a few silly emails and somehow we ended up laughing about whether he thought I had a big bottom!! (Don't know how that came about...!) It was a giggle.
I am at home today. I decided to take the day off sick since I am not feeling too great. I thought A was going to be with her dad this weekend but that doesn't look likely since he is saying he has lots of work to do (yeah right). So I will have to try and find things to keep us busy!!
Take care xxxxx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 7, 2007 18:30:58 GMT
Hi Nishka
Hope you have a lovely weekend with A! Do you have anything planned?
Hope you are feeling tons better soon, if in doubt, Beechams all in one medicine seems to knock it out of you! x
WG x
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Bobyn
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Post by Bobyn on Dec 8, 2007 18:06:25 GMT
I'm glad you're getting on well with A Nishka. And I hope things improve a bit between you and your OH. Maybe you'll get some time together over the christmas break to sit down and talk about how your'e both feeling? x
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Post by sianyc on Dec 9, 2007 18:41:14 GMT
Snap with the banking nightmares! You sound a bit happier though? Hope you had a good weekend x
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Dec 13, 2007 14:47:11 GMT
Hi again
I haven't posted for a few days. I was really poorly over the weekend, I had such a sore throat and I felt like death. I am slowly starting to feel back to normal. A was meant to go to her Dads this weekend just gone but he couldnt make it (AGAIN!) so she had to make do with me being ill and not wanting to do very much. Horrible mummy...
I am still feeling really tired and drained. Sometimes I feel like I never get enough sleep even if I sleep all day and all night. I don't know if thats to do with my thyroid problem, depression or a combination of everything. Who knows.
I have given up worrying about the bank account. Its just a complete nightmare. I don't know how we manage to spend so much money every month - just on rubbish. Sometimes I look at other people and I wonder how on earth they affor to do things to their homes and go on holiday - thats so far away from us. But I know we have a lot to be grateful for, I really do, I just get a bit down about it sometimes.
Hubby and I are up and down a lot. We seem to be okay I guess. We had a bit of a row this week about something completely random - he was going on about the army (he's not in it - just something on the news sparked him off) and I had an opinion he didn't agree with (I am very against war in any circumstances) and he ranted off at me about how I couldn't think that because I had never experienced it!!!!! To which I replied that neither had he! He said he had been in the cadets (!!) to which I said I didn't think that was the same as being on the frontline either... Blah blah. We ended up following on the argument well into the night, with me saying I was going to go to bed because unless I had the experience of going to sleep I wouldn't be able to comment. I am a very stubborn old bag at times.
Then yesterday we seemed to get on a lot better and ended up making love - something which we seem to be doing more of. He seems to be really into it at the moment and I have to say although he's doing all the initiating I quite enjoy myself once I am able to relax a bit!
A is driving me nuts. She can't seem to play on her own in the same way that I could as a child so she constantly demands attention and its very exhausting. I still find myself dreading the days I have off with her and also not having very much money limits a lot of what I can do - I simply don't have the energy to run all over a park with her or take her to the ball park!! I look at other mums with more than one small child and I honestly don't know how they do it. Sometimes I feel like I am the most crap mother in the world. I am sure when A is older she is going to turn round to me and tell me she thinks I was an awful parent. Thats just how I feel at the moment.
Mr Flirty at work is still flirting with me. We have been sending each other a lot of silly emails and being silly with each other a lot. Its the Christmas party (work do) tomorrow night and he is bringing his wife - who has been ill recently but she wants to come- so its going to be quite funny seeing him with her!! I have no idea what she's like... I can't say I feel jealous exactly but its going to be an interesting night. I am not bringing my hubby - he is not a social sort and he doesn't enjoy things like that. Actually he once walked out on me at a friends birthday party (!!) - I think he felt left out or something weird, so I didn't want to risk that again. My other friends from work are also there on their own so I will be okay. I am sort of looking forward to it but I am quite nervous at the same time. I am also worried about staying out till the early hours and how exhausted I am going to be getting up with A the next day!! (Hubby is working the next day so I am home alone with her).
I will let you know how it goes.
Hugs all round xxxxxxx
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Bobyn
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Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Dec 13, 2007 19:15:11 GMT
Enjoy the night out tomorrow Nishka. Glad you've had some good times with you hubby. It's ok to argue about things and voice your opinions, and it's better than not talking (sometimes anyway). let us know what the wife is like... it'll be an interesting evening I'm sure! And don't worry about A. She'll love you just the way you are, you're her Mummy, and you're human. You never know how all those 'perfect' coping Mummy's are behaving behind closed doors! x
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Post by winegirl on Dec 13, 2007 21:53:12 GMT
Have a lovely time Nishka! Have to say I had a night out last sat and didnt get in till 2 oclock the following morning and have to say, yes, it was tough getting up with LO the next morning! Perhaps get an early one tonight to prepare for it! Report back on how it goes, cant wait for the goss! WG x
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Dec 16, 2007 20:40:09 GMT
Hi everyone,
Hope you are recovered winegirl!! I had to say its been a hard day today - even though the party was on Friday I seem to be worse today!! Hope you are okay Sian and Bobyn xx
The party was okaaay but before I get to that I have to tell you about the horrible day I had at work on Friday..! Well you know Mr Flirty and I have been emailing each other a lot at work (nothing explicit or anything - just silly messages and funny emails etc) anyway he came out to my desk on Friday to say that he had just that moment found out that his old secretary (the old bag I don't get on with) automatically gets all of his emails in and out (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and she'd only just told him!! NIGHTMARE. How embarassing!! I think we both felt like dying. He said to me that he thinks we should "keep our little quips till when he comes round for coffee". Mortified. How embarassing. I still think she should have told him sooner - I mean its a bit of a cheek to sit there reading everything going on (and I would imagine he had been sending other personal emails to other people too) and he not to think to mention it - till the day of the party when its sure to make everyone feel crappy. Good one.
So the rest of the day was spent with him and I acting really silly around each other and feeling really awkward around her - even though obviously she's been reading every single email we sent to each other!! AGHH!
The party went okayish. It wasn't as grand as it made out to be - it never is I guess. It was a large room with lots of tables and a little dancefloor and some casino games dotted around the edges. Mr Flirty was in fancy dress along with some of the other men and God he did look a sight. It was supposed to be a 60's suit but it actually looked like a pair of pale blue pyjamas. Horrendous. I wore a little mini dress with my boobs hoisted up and some sparkly high heels. I was quite pleased with my outfit.
I sat with my female friends from work and Mr Flirty sat on the other large table (there was a seating plan) with his wife - who didn't seem as bad as he said. Hmmm! We hardly spoke to each other for the first part of the evening... I think the email thing hung over us a bit. I was quite bored of the party to be honest, the food was okay but nothing special and I just had a downer. It was better after dinner when everyone started moving about. I stayed at the table for a bit but I noticed Mr Flirty and his wife and his friend N moved off to a corner of the room and started having a drink there. Mr Flirty went to the bar and I happened to glance up and we locked eyes completely... he had been staring right at me!! I looked away and carried on chatting with D but when I looked back he was still staring at me!! Gulp!! Cheeky man.
D and I got up to go and play on the casino games and Mr F's wife came and started talking to me!! I got cornered with her and of course Mr Flirty was also there and his mate N so the four of us ended up sitting together and mucking about. His wife was really nice actually. I sort of felt bad for the fact I didn't bring my hubby with me but then knowing him he would just be fed up. I noticed Mr Flirty ended up standing next to me and not with wife a lot of the time but nothing major happened, we all had a good giggle. Mr F and his friend ended up getting extremely drunk (!!) and to be honest I found him quite loud and embarassing!! He was dancing on the spot and singing along to all the songs... !! Oh well, at least he had fun. His wife and I laughed about him between us - it was quite funny because she seemed to pity me having to put up with him at work!! lol
Me and my friend D left before everyone else - I was tired and I had had enough. Everyone was a lot drunker than I was and it wasn't much fun.
The next day (Sat) I spent trying to make sure A had a really good day - I wanted to be supermum after the horrible last weekend she had with me. So we went and did some Christmas shopping and she helped me to wrap everything up (took a LONG time!) and we had a girly sleepover!! - well a 4 year olds version!! Hubby was out at his Christmas do (and staying out all night at his friends) so I made the front room a dark cinema and me and little one watched Pirates of the Carribean Dead Mans Chest (she loves Orlando Bloom!) and then we both slept in my bed as a treat. She seemed to really enjoy herself. Needless to say I am shattered and grumpy today (!!) but I did it!!
Hubby is in a funny mood. He came home the other night saying how unhappy at work he was again and how he wished we had never left London (makes me feel great) and said he feels pressurised and how we never had money probs like this before we left London etc (even though then we had students lodging with us- and I don't want to go back to that!!) SO I am walking on eggshells again. Then he came back today full of the joys of spring saying how brilliant his night out was and they danced all night in the clubs (25 people from work went) - something which he would never have done in London. I don't know who he is anymore, I feel really lonely. He came back from work today (he went straight to work from the his male friends house that he stayed with - there aren't trains back to our village after 11) and went straight to bed. Good company. I am so bored and lonely.
Work tomorrow. I wonder whats going to happen about the emails etc. I am sad I won't be able to email Mr Flirty anymore - although its prob a good thing. I mentioned to him I was shocked she could do that and why didn't he say something and he said its prob because he is out of the office on the road so much going to appointments. So thats that then.
Another fun week ahead. This is my last week at work before I break up for Christmas. I have a week and a half off. I actually wish I was going to be working now the way me and hubby are getting on!!
Take care xxxxxxxxxx
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Bobyn
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Post by Bobyn on Dec 16, 2007 20:50:27 GMT
Oh Nishka I really hope you and your hubby can find some time over the holidays to reconnect again. It sounds like you're both losing sight of each other and growing ever more distant which can't be helping your PNI and it does make you feel so lonely living in a house with someone that you can't talk to. Everyone goes through their ups and downs though so you're probably just in your down bit - and the only way now is up Glad you had a lovely time with A this weekend, it sounds very yummy and I'm looking forward to some days like that to come with my eldest. The secretary sounds like a horrible old hag, and a real nosy parker. Actually that's a bit rich coming from me who was desperate to hear all your gossip from Friday night! Glad Friday was fun. Was it a bit strange getting on with the wife and knowing that Mr Flirty flirts with you at work? I guess some men are just like that though & there's no-one getting hurt - and it's brightening up your days which is a good thing in my book. x
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Dec 17, 2007 13:31:59 GMT
Me again... !!
Back at work today. Yes it was quite strange spending time talking to Mr Flirty's wife when I know exactly what he's like at work!! It was interesting to hear her talking about how he is at home - you sort of see a different side to him from some of the things she was saying!! For example she mentioned that it was him that wanted a second child and that she would have been happy with one etc. It was also interesting from my own point of view because she so clearly has PNI by the way she was talking about their children (3 and 1) and I could see so much of myself in her. Actually we seemed quite similar all round which was quite strange!! - He must go for similar types!!
He isn't in work this afternoon, he was in this morning for a bit. He said that he spent the rest of the weekend completely drunk - he went out to play Golf at the hotel with his friend N (N from the party) and left his wife on her own at the hotel (nice) and then they spent the afternoon getting completely hammered. He says he eventually went back to his room and took his clothes off from the door onwards before he passed out on the bed, he said when he woke in the morning there was a trail of clothes from the door to the bed!! - His mother in law had the kids for the weekend.
Its quite strange in a way hearing what other people think about him and his wife... One of the women from the party came in today and laughed and said something like "T seemed very keen to get back to the hotel with his wife!" and I was a bit suprised to hear that to be honest because thats not how they seemed to me!! - I suppose people see what they want to see and maybe I am as guilty for that as anyone else.
Hubby woke up this morning and started trying to make up for last night (going to sleep at silly early hours when I hadn't seen him all weekend!)... He suddenly seemed to remember I had a night out as well and started asking me about it. The trouble with me is that when I am fed up I find it hard to let go and move on. I feel angry with him about the job thing and the fact he is so up and down all the time and I can't make myself happy around him. I feel really peed off all the time.
Hubby phoned me from work today to say that he's seen a digital camera on sale for £40 and he wants to get it (he also gets discount - its in his store) so that he could use it later in the year for a present for someone etc. I said to him that I think £40 is a lot of money anyway - we usually only spend half that on people!!- but it seems he wants to get it, so there we go another forty quid down the drain. The money thing is driving me nuts. He has a completely different way of SAVING money than I do!!!!!!
I feel quite down at the moment. I am dreading Christmas. I really hate it. I hate all the rubbish they put on Tv and all the rubbish songs on the radio. Christmas was always the worst time of year for me growing up and although I want to make it special for A I don't know if I am able to pull myself into the spirit of things. I feel like such a failure. I feel so depressed at life in general. I feel like I am really struggling at the moment, with my relationship with hubby - with work, with everything. I am worried that everything I have worked hard to hold on to - my house, hubby, daughter and my mind (!) is going to slip away from me.
God what a depressing person I am.
I just never seem to feel happy. I wonder if anyone actually does or if everyone is smiling and laughing but inside feeling the same way I am? Sometimes I think everything is just fake and rubbish.
I have noticed that my hubby has changed his passwords on his email and other web accounts so that I can't access them anymore - not that he knew I did, which makes me suspicious. But then why should I think he has anything more to hide than I do? I mean I wouldn't want him reading this and I suppose everyone is entitled to some privacy. I think in a way all this stuff with Mr Flirty has cast a shadow over my trust of my own husband, if that makes sense.
When I was younger I used to think that once people got married they lived happily ever after and they always had someone to love and share everything with - so how is it that I am feeling more lonely than ever and we haven't even been married a year yet? How ridiculous is that??
Oh well must get on with some work. Not that I want to do anything. I don't want to be at home with A next week and hubby. I feel like running away sometimes but then I feel guilty about leaving everyone and how they would cope without me. That sounds like such an awful thing to say but thats how I feel sometimes. Sometimes all the responsibility weighs me down, I feel so very tired.
Take care xxxxx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
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Post by Bobyn on Dec 17, 2007 18:24:18 GMT
Hi Nishka,
I love reading your posts, your honesty is so refreshing and you have such a way with words. Sometimes I feel like writing in my diary - "Just see Nishka post for today, that's exactly how I'm feeling"! The loneliness and the wanting to run away from real life. That's probably why you're so drawn to Mr Flirty - he's an escape away from 'real life'. I did that the first time round (with PNI) with my OH and felt myself tempted down the same path again a couple of weeks ago, but then remembered that actually separating from my OH wasn't the right decision and it was largely the PNI making me want to be someone else. BTW the PNI didn't go away when my OH moved out and I didn't become a new happier person without him...
I find it really difficult in relationships once the magic sparkle has worn off, I love that flirting and the thrill of the chase but that's not real life is it and that feeling can't last forever. Think of the relationship and marriage as going through seasons, they'll be times when winter sets in and you become distant and not so loving towards each other, but after every winter there will follow a spring and a summer so hold on for those times Nishka. The thing I've learnt in the past few years is that marriage is damn hard work - why does no-one ever tell you that before you commit to one person?!
Sorry if that sounds patronising, I really didn't mean it to be, I just wanted to give you some hope that things can improve with you hubby and life will be happier again in your 'summertime'. Lots of Love, Bobyn xx
P.S I love your updates about work and your gossip, it cheers me up when you've had a good day/weekend with your hubby, A or just because life in general is feeling good for you. x
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