Bobyn
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Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Jan 8, 2008 13:20:08 GMT
OMG - that is definitely the worst birth experience I have ever heard of! You're sooooo brave to be thinking of it again after that awful time. But it really should be better this time. The second time is usually faster and you body does seem to remember what to do, well mine did anyway. And even though I have got PNI after the second baby it really isn't as bad and I know ways to help myself and when I'm having a bad day I know that it'll pass.
Please don't feel any kind of guilt for still posting in your diary when you feel like you're all better now because a: I'd miss your posts lots and b: we can all support you through any worries you might have about the pregnancy (wow, I'm already thinking like you're pregnant!) and c: this is your diary and your space to write whatever you want/need to in order to help your recovery and keep you happy and well.
You're great Nishka. Wishing you lots of luck with the baby making. xx
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nishka
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Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Jan 9, 2008 9:24:22 GMT
Me again. Wow, thanks so much for all your lovely replies. I feel quite emotional reading your responses, thanks, its so appreciated. Its so nice to have support and people to voice things out to on here, esp people who have been through the same sort of thing as me. I am so glad that I came to this site. And you have a good point Bobyn - keeping this diary is good for me in that I can talk about my feelings about trying to get pregnant etc etc and my feelings. I think I would go mad if I didn't have somewhere to let it out!!
I am pleased I managed to write all that down yesterday about my birth. Sometimes I find that the more I write things down the more I can distance myself from it as if it was happening to someone else. I don't know if thats a good thing or not though as maybe I need to accept that it happened to move on from it. Who knows. But it is strangely comforting to ramble on and write (or type!) it all out.
I am feeling exhausted today. I haven't been sleeping very well this week. So many thoughts in my head esp late at night. I keep remembering all the stupid little things about being pregnant (and I am not even pregnant yet!! Or don't know if I will become so!!) - the needing to pee every 6 seconds even during the night, the itchiness of my bump in the last months and putting calamine lotion on it (!), the uncomfort of lying in bed trying to sleep even with a banana shaped pillow... Gosh its all coming back to me!!
I think some things I will be a lot more laid back about. I used to worry with A all the time whether I was doing the right thing or not or whether things like giving her a dummy were going to damage her teeth (!!!) etc but this time if I do have another one I will be sticking that dummy in and letting it fall asleep on me... I was so worried with A about making sure that I got a good nights sleep that I used to put her down as soon as she fell asleep, missing out on a lot of cuddles. I am full of hope that this time things will be different!! (*everything crossed!*)
One thing that I am quite sure will be different is that I am now with my new hubby and he is lovely and always stays in with me every evening - not like ex who spent every waking hour down the pub! GRRR. Sometimes when I think about it it makes me sooo angry. I mean if your partner is ill with severe PNI you don't go down the pub as soon as you finish work from 3pm to midnight every bloody day do you?? It makes my blood boil. No wonder I wasn't coping very well.
I think this time I won't give a sod about the housework either. Last time with A I was very much the little woman and I remember being constantly worried about whether I had done the ironing for ex (!! ironing whats that??!! I don't do ironing anymore!! yay!) and constantly cooking big meals etc. I don't know how I managed it all!! This time I will completely do the minimum I have to (and this time I have Mum to help - last time she was nursing my terminally ill Gran) Stuff the housework. I think one of the things that didn't help me bonding with A was constantly worrying about how I was going to get anything done!! Bah!
Hubby is at home today - working in retail he has a day off during the week. (Also handy when thinking about me returning to work later after having a baby - he could help mum out one day a week or look after the kids etc) He is doing the Daddy bit and taking A to school and getting her ready. A seems to be enjoying school - this is the first week she has been going full time - before she was only half days. The only thing is that she has been invited to a birthday party the same weekend she is due to go to her dads in London and obviously I can't cancel that so she won't get to go to the party- she is quite upset about it. Its a shame because obviously I want her to make good friends with the other kids and it would be a good oppertunity but thats life. I know her Dad won't change his plans, there's no point asking him.
I brought A a new winter coat in the sale from Woolies. I am dead chuffed with it - it was half price, £15. Its lovely - brown cord and padded, with pink flowers all over it. She didn't like the idea of brown but when she saw the pink she cheered up a bit!! I can't believe how tall she is though - she is 4 years old and the coat is age 7-8! She's always been a big girl - when she was 1 she was wearing 3 year old clothes... !
Mr Flirty and I had a lot of fun yesterday. He was in a really flirty mood and kept saying I looked nice in my glasses... Hee hee. He sent me a cheeky email calling me "speccy lady" and asking whether I wanted some of his apples he brought. I said no I don't like apples to be honest and he sent me another email saying to me "When you think of pink ladies and grease what do you think of?" So I replied "pinkos ladiesios" (as in Greek sounding language... I was in a silly mood...) He sent me one back saying I was a silly noodle but he liked me. Naughty man. lol
I think he is getting on better with his wife at the moment, he has been saying to me that he is trying to think of something to surprise her with for valentines day. (Its a big deal to him I guess). He is going to take her to a hotel for a couple of days but take her in the car and not tell her where they are going. He asked me what I thought of that and I said for me personally it wouldn't be any good. He asked why and I said that I would want to look forward to it and know about it and most importantly PACK MY OWN BAG!! I dread to think what I would end up with if hubby packed my bag for a weekened. Prob alot of crotchless knickers, uncomfy bras and all the clothes I haven't worn for ten years... Cringe. But hey, whatever makes him and her happy.
I better be off now. I really haven't done any work this week. I am surprised no one has said anything to me to be honest. I guess I am good at faking it!! (well in that sense anyway).
Love and hugs xxxx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Jan 9, 2008 19:13:10 GMT
I would hate to be taken away without packing my own bag or knowing where I was going to. I love surprises but I'm sure my OH wouldn't pack all the right stuff for me and I'd spend the weekend feeling out of sorts. Still a weekend away without children might be worth missing my comfo PJs and moisturiser for! x
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 10, 2008 8:36:50 GMT
(!! ironing whats that??!! I don't do ironing anymore!! yay!)
Me neither, that word does not exist in my vocabulary ;D
That coat sounds lovely, sounds like you got a bargain there. I bet she looks so grown up in it... I like Woolies as well.
Scarlet X
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Post by sianyc on Jan 10, 2008 10:11:01 GMT
I bet she towers above her class! Oh to be tall like A with metabolism like my youngest.
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Jan 10, 2008 13:17:23 GMT
Yoodle oooo
(Thought I would be unusual this time). lol
Ta for the replies... Sian I wish I still had the metabolism I had when I was 18 - I could basically eat what I wanted and still be a size 8. Now I am a 12-14 with a wibbly wobbly jelly baby belly (I can push the folds together and make it eat my little ones hand which she finds hillarious)... I wish I had lots of money to have a tummy tuck eventually (if they weren't so dangerous and painful that is!!)
I went to see the doctor last night. She said to me that there were some risks with taking the citalopram in pregnancy (see my post in the support section) so I am not sure what to do, she said its up to me if I want to try and stop or whether I think I should continue to take it. I don't know what to do!! AGH! Part of me thinks well I know it works for me so I could try not taking it and if I get down again I can go back on it, but two things about that worry me - 1. I might not realise I am getting down and may not believe others when they tell me, and 2. If I get pregnant and want to go back on it knowing what doctors are like they may be loathe to put me back on it again knowing that I came off it for a while.
Hmmm..
The doctor says my other medication (for my thyroid and pituitary probs) would need to be increased and carefully monitored so she said that I would have to come back to her once I had a positive preg test and she would refer me to the endocrinologist at the hospital as well as the midwives etc.
The doctor and I chatted about c sections etc and she said that they are more risky than a 'normal' birth but that mine wasn't a 'normal' birth so I have to weigh up the risks carefully and that a c section given the troubles I had may be the best option for me.
So she told me to have fun getting pregnant and take folic acid and come back to see her when I was!! lol She was really nice.
I have actually done some work this morning. I don't know how I managed it but I made some calls. I still haven't done everything I could do but I am feeling a bit run down this week. I am having HUGE trouble pulling myself out of bed in the morning and I think I have a bit of a cold or something coming. I sound all bunged up on the phone apparently.
Money is not going well. We are a grand overdrawn but hubby gets paid next week. Eeeeeek! How did we manage that??!! Christmas I guess. I do wonder sometimes how we will cope with the finances of having another child, its going to be quite tough. But then I keep reminding myself that other people far worse off than us do it and we just spend too much on crap all the time (hubby has just spent £45 on star trek models and I brought some clothes in the sales for £150. Ouch. That sounds awful!).... We will have to learn to budget. Luckily we still have a lot of A's old baby toys so a new baby could enjoy those but I am not sure how A will feel about sharing them!!
I have A with me this weekend. I am trying to think of something cheap and fun to do with her. Prob take her to the park so she can play on the swings etc. She would like to go to the cinema but thats quite expensive by the time you have brought popcorn, drinks and tickets!! I always try and bring things to eat with us including shop brought popcorn but she only likes the stuff from the cinema....
I better go, going to try and do some more work.
Lots of love xxxxxx
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Post by sianyc on Jan 10, 2008 15:54:43 GMT
Scarlet took citalopram during her pregnancy with no effect on the lo.
In my non-expert opinion, I'd be loathe to come off them as it means doing it quickly which could be very unpleasant for you if you get withdrawal symptoms. What are the risks - did the GP say?
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 10, 2008 17:25:45 GMT
Hi Nishka,
You are right to weigh up your options hun, and I only took my ADs in the third trimester.
Just a thought, but what about perhaps having some alternative therapies during the first and second trimester like accupuncture or hypnotherapy with a view to possibly going on the ADs from the 28th week (if you need them at all that is). I wonder what other alternative therapies would be an option.
Scarlet X
PS does Mr F. know you are trying for #2 yet ;D
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Jan 10, 2008 17:32:54 GMT
Do you have an Odeon near you? They have a kids club on Sunday mornings at 11am and the kids go for £2.50 with one free adult and they do a deal on drinks an popcorn. Perfect for a rainy weekend. They only show one film a week so you need to keep at eye out for the right film. Take a look at their website for more info. And if you do have an Odeon then WHEN you have your next baby then they do a Newwies seesion on Tuesday mornings for parent and babies. x Love, Bobyn - the Odeon owner (maybe I should buy shares? )
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Jan 11, 2008 15:58:42 GMT
Hi again
Thanks for the messages, and Bobyn thanks so much for the Odeon tip! I would never had know if you hadn't told me- I have been having a look online and they have something on tomorrow so we may go to that! Ta v much!
Scarlet thanks for the idea about the alternative therapies.. I will certainly look at all the options if and when I get pregnant. (Although I can't see them working should I decide to have a 'normal' labour - I think I would need every inch of my body covered with acupuncture needles for it to make a difference! hee hee!)
No Mr Flirty doesn't have a clue about me trying for baby number two..! Knowing him he would prob cheekily offer to help! lol... He's been on the phone to me a lot today because he's gone for a meeting in London and he is completely lost so I have trying to sort him out with directions etc, in between which we have had a good giggle (not least of which because when I answered the phone at 10am this morning I said "Good afternoon" LOL.. think I was half asleep!!)
Siany - the GP said the main risks of staying on the citalopram (why do they make anti ds have such long names??!) would be that a baby might get withdrawal symptoms (irrability etc) after the birth. I don't know what I think about that - I certainly don't want an upset and depressed whingy baby - but then I don't want me to be suicidal and depressed either!! I think I am going to keep taking them for now at least - I am not pregnant yet (I don't think!!) so I am going to wait until it happens, keep researching and decide what to do in time.
In the meantime I have become obsessed with watching all the childbirth videos on You Tube and on the internet... I think I just have this sort of strong need to find out as much as I can this time so that I can make strong decisions about different choices etc. I find it interesting watching some of the videos about the home births - the women in them seem so in control and so relaxed. I think I would be climbing the walls!!!
I guess a lot of the thing about giving birth is feeling in control and I suppose with my birth I didn't feel in control at all. Part of me thinks that maybe this was being in a hospital environment where I felt everyone talked down to me. I am frightened that I will feel the same way if I have another one. I keep thinking maybe I could have a natural birth, but I am so scared of feeling out of control and it all ending up with me being in horrendous agony being rushed down those lighted corridoors like before. Sorry if that all sounds a bit dramatic and sorry to be going on and on about it all but I have no where else to get these things out in the open.
Sometimes I don't know if other people feel like this but I sometimes think I have failed in some way in that I don't feel I could give birth naturally and it all went wrong with having A. But then I keep telling myself how ridiculous that is and that I could have died without medical help. Its just when you watch these things of women just popping babies out without so much as a paracetamol in sight and their vaginas stretching to the side of a large football you just think whats wrong with me??? I feel sort of robbed in some way, its hard to explain.
I have written to my old hospital to ask for my maternity notes from 2003. I know maybe that sounds a bit strange but I have two reasons. One, I would really like the chance to read through them myself and try and understand what went on, and also from the next pregnancy point of view I thought it would be useful to have them to show to new nurses or consultants. I am a bit nervous of reading through them all again but somehow I feel its going to be part of my recovery process. I hope anyway.
I have been sooooo tired this week. I think all the thinking about babies and pregnancy has made me very tired!! lol... Too tired even to try making one! lol.. So I don't think this baby is going to be along any time soon... ! I am so pleased its Friday today. I am looking forward to having a weekend off with A, esp as last weekend I spent all of Sunday travelling to London and back on the coach to get her from her dads...!!
I hope you all have great weekends, thanks for letting me ramble on!
Nishka xxx
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Jan 11, 2008 21:15:40 GMT
HI Nishka, Getting your maternity notes and reading through them sounds like a really goodidea, to be able to process the experience and then put it to rest. It might help separate the feelings that you had about that birth from the one ahead (we hope). I had relatively easy births both times but I still got my notes from each one, mainly to keep for my LOs in our family book, but I found it really useful to be able to read through them and put the memories I had of the time into some sort of order and matched things up with the notes. I hope they are good and useful to you. You're right about the feeling of control being so important to the experience. The first time I was at home and the second time I went round to a midwive led unit round the corner so that my eldest didn't get scared at all and I could concentrate on the birth rather than her. The midwives were excellent both times and really allowed me the feeling of being in control which I know helped immensely and made me feel really empowered. I do hope you can have that experience next time. Even if what you choose is an elective c-section, it should be YOUR choice and not anyone elses, it's your body and your baby and you deserve to have a positive start to the next post-natal time. Lots of love, Bobs xxx
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 14, 2008 9:15:25 GMT
Lol Nishka, about the accupuncture, actually I was thinking about you having these alternative treatments during the whole of your pregnancy. A friend of mine had reflexology during her birth and she delivered without much pain at all. Have you had any chance to make that baby this weekend hun, hope you weren't too tired.... Scarlet xxxx
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nishka
Senior Member
Posts: 207
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Post by nishka on Jan 14, 2008 9:42:38 GMT
Hiya again Thanks for the messages, hugs for you both xx Bobyn - interesting to hear about your births. I have a midwife led unit not far from me so thats a tempting idea but I am very scared that something might go wrong at the last min. Hmm. Decisions decisions! Being rural as well (live in South Norfolk) the unit is only 10 mins away in the middle of fields (LOL) but the nearest hospital is miles and miles away (! eek!) so should I get into probs it would be a loooong ride to hospital! But then I am tempted... I don't know we'll have to see. However the one thing that needs to happen for there to be a chance of me getting pregnant is SEX and there wasn't any of that this weekend. Boo Hoo. Hubby was completely exhausted from work and even though we did go to bed last night thinking we would have a go, so to speak (!) we ended up giggling so much and mucking about and then the moment passed. Grrr.. Its also a bit of a 'must do' thing which has sort of taken the fun out of it a bit now. Silly really because it should mean we are both really excited but I think both of us feel like we are on a bit of a mission now lol. We are both so tired at the moment, we just can't get in the mood. I suspect we might have another go tonight. Its been a busy weekend. On Sat I took A to the cinema kids club (thanks for the tip!!) and she really enjoyed it. After that I took her to the ball park soft play indoor thing (yes I had stamina that day!) and she dashed ab0ut for a couple of hours. When we got home she fell asleep straight away and slept for about 2 hours!! I didn't have the heart to wake her up, she looked so peaceful - and I enjoyed doing some knitting. (Managed to finish a jumper I was working on for her! Yay! She likes it - mainly because it has PINK flowers sewn on it.. !) The evenings have been pretty stressful. For some reason A has started getting up at about 11pm just as we are going to bed. (She goes to bed at about 8.30 and gets up at 11). I don't know whats waking her - we are really quiet. On Sat she had a bad dream I think so hubby and I ended up pulling her mattress off her bed into our bedroom and we let her sleep at the end of our bed - well its better than squashing in the middle which is what she normally does!! So obviously that didn't help with the sex issue either.. lol Yesterday she got up again asking to come in with us again and I said no, that was only because we didn't have work the next day < had to think of something!?> and so I put her back to her own bedroom with a story and she mananged (after a lot of whining!) to get back to sleep. I don't know whats started her off, but I remember doing something similar when I was about her age so I guess its just one of those things...!! Hubby says his sister is thinking she might like to come down and visit us - agh! I hate that woman - she is always saying that I 'stole' hubby away from her (!) and that we aren't his real family, they are and how she doesn't know how he could love A because she isn't his etc etc. Horrible cow. We have been up in Norfolk for nearly 2 years now and she hasn't been up once - she didn't even come to the wedding! So I don't know why she is thinking about it now. I can't say no because its hubbys house too but I did tell him I expect her to be nice to me and A otherwise she can sod off. I can't be putting up with her being horrible to me and A in our home. Hubby seemed to understand that. Sometimes I feel angry with him because he never seems to tell his family where to go when they say stuff about me but he says thats just the way they are and it isn't worth wasting his time fighting them... !! So here I am back at work, Monday morning. Yuck. What a horrible day and I am finding it sooo hard to get up in the mornings at the moment. I could just sleep forever!! A climbed in bed with me on Sat morning at 6am and she kept saying "Is it time to get up yet???" Nooooooooooo!! Lots of love xxx
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Post by sianyc on Jan 14, 2008 10:16:40 GMT
6am - yuck
Sounds like you and oh are getting on well lovely. Hope A stops the waking up so you can get on with the baby making ;D
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Bobyn
Senior Member
Posts: 454
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Post by Bobyn on Jan 14, 2008 10:27:08 GMT
I think maybe you could start a thread to see if ANYONE actually likes mornings??? I reckon you might find someone who could tell us why children seem to think they're so great! x
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