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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 13, 2007 16:22:45 GMT
After much though I have decided to start my own diary, it seems to be popular so it must help.
So here it goes.
Today was good. My Gran came to visit. it meant I wasn't on my own. I still cant cope with being alone all day with the boys. I'm not sure what it is but i just get freaked out and go all crazy. yet when I have some adult contact at some stage of the day its bearable. She helped me with my house work, as usual, made me feel guilty about the mess but I was really grateful of the help, the house gets such a mess so easily. We're bound to get a new house soon and I think we;ll need a skip when we do, we've been here 3 years how can I gather so much crap!
Stuarts abscess burst again today. he was really sore this am and i gave him calpol, which the Dr Barclay said to do and it did help a bit. I think it made him scream less so it must have helped. Both Gran and I noticed when it would have worn off as he started crying constantly again and when I tried to sit him up he arched his back and screamed. Poor little man i guess it must be sore. But I do understand y I have to persevere another few months till the gland is bigger. I don't want him to have to go thro the operation only to have to have it again in a month or so.
Steven was a menace today. I think he had some lucozade of mine yest so I bet thats it. i reckon I'll try that additive stuff and see if it makes a diff, but if it means spending heaps of money on organic stuff then I will have to persevere as we cant afford to change everything. I'll just have to see how it goes.
Cant wait to hear word of out house, Hope we get one of the ones at the hill and not in the old part of the village its not nearly as nice. But at least I'll be able to go to mother and toddler etc, just now its like being trapped in a cage. I hate not being able to drive. Thats the one thing thats made all this worse.
Hope Michael is home earlier 2nite I need the company.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 13, 2007 19:14:17 GMT
Hi Sarah
Glad you decided to start a diary. Do you mind if we post in it? If you do just say and will butt out!
Im sorry about you not being able to drive now. Will it be forever or is it indefinate?
Let me know your preferance on writing in your diary.
Take Care x
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 14, 2007 6:35:30 GMT
Hi winegirl,
Of course I dont mind at all, its nice to get a perspective other than your own, so thankyou for the interest. Also thanks for the support, its nice to know someone is there.
Sarah x
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 14, 2007 6:40:10 GMT
Forgot to answer your question lol. Yeah def a year, my last seizure was about 4-5 weeks ago so hopefully thats all i'm going to have if this meds work and thats me 1 month down out of 12! It pretty much feels like the end of the world with regard to that. I hate being stuck here, middle of nowhere, I have to rely in other people for support and that means explaining why I hate being alone!
xx
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 15, 2007 16:44:26 GMT
Today was another bad day. I had a row with my OH and even asked mum if me and the boys could stay 2nite. I think I need to take up the courage to have a talk with him 2nite. Once we have the boys to bed I'll go for broke. I guarantee I end up in tears but its prob the only way forward. I need him to know how i am feeling as its not helping haveing him take the piss of me. I know it must be hard for him outting up with me but sometimes I need help thro the bad patches not ignored. I really thought I was feeling better. I know its just what we call on here a blip but it really puts a dampner on things. I reckon not getting steven to sleep properly isnt helping just now. I am tired and ratty. People kep saying god you look tired, then oh well no wonder, a toddler, a baby, breast feeding, epilepsy, new epi meds and a dog and 2 horses. Then you get wow dont you think u have taken on a bit much. Its not a case of taking on too much its more a case of accumulation! I cant exactly give things away once I have them can I. Stating the obvious doesnt help it just makes me feel all the worse. I wish people could see that.
Mum took me shopping 2day so at least I got out a bit. we are struggling financially just now. I cant work and michael hasnt been gettin enought o keep us with what we are accustomed to. From 2 wages to 1 is hard. I never made much, part time but it covered the car and the rent. This month we bought the double buggy so at least I can walk with both of them and that of course took away alot. I shouldnt really have bought it but I needed the freedom, I just couldnt cope anymore. The isolation of being stuck here with no car is awful. I was gettin better till this. I hope te house in the village comes forward soon. I need to go to mother and toddlers etc, I need to meet more people. I need out of this house!
Look upwards and forwards to 2morow, success never comes from falling. Take a deep breath and walk on, I CAN do it!
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Post by winegirl on Sept 15, 2007 18:49:24 GMT
Hi sarah
Just wanted to say that considering you have had a crap day, its great that you can end your diary with such a positive vibe!
I hope the chat with huuby goes ok? Let us know x
Here for you x
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 17, 2007 22:18:16 GMT
Busy few days, I'm exhausted. Stuart is still ill. Got more antibiotics, shes got it coming from both ends yet again. He just cant copw with them. Its now beginning to look like an ulcer and its sore. God it must be, imagine having an extra hole in ure arse! he only put on 2ox this week, they arent too happy, they say if he doesnt start getting better re weight etc they will have to do something about it, its obviously been affecting him.
Stevens sleeping is a little better, seems to be settling that ittle bit quicker, discussed it with HV 2day, she says we are doing ok, as if he is afria we shouldnt push it, he needs reassurance. Its fear rather than just a tantrum. Which i have to admit I really think that it is. Today i told me he loved me and I cried, hes never told me that randomly before. he just came up to me and gave me a hug, and said, 'my love mummy' and gave me a kiss. It made me cry and he just looked at me and said, 'ok mummy? no crys' its times like this that I realise I must be getting better as I realise I really do love him.
Got the double buggy thro the post, wasnt impressed with the condition of it. Was rather dirty. Complained via email, doubt she'll reply. I think I'll give her a few days and contact ebay. See if theres anything I can do about it. Has washed up ok but that not the point, theres more damage than stated, I know I can buy replacement parts, but thats not the point, why pay for something thats suposed to be ok and have to buy new parts! That pissed me off.
Mum and dad here today thankfully. Is hard work with stuart ill and steven. I'm really exhausted. About to hit the bed b4 i'm up feeding again. Giving stuart baby rice helps, but Hv said god hes only 10wks old, you really shouldnt be doing that etc etc, but thats him been on it 2 weeks and hes none the worse, he loves it. He obv needs it, hes not gaining much, maybe it'll thicken the rear end a little!
Alone all day 2morow, not lookin forward to it. I hope it goes ok, I'll try and get a good nights sleep that helps.
xx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 18, 2007 7:17:19 GMT
Hi Sarah
Hope you do ok on your own today. Did you manage to get a good nights sleep? Will be around on and off today if youu need a bit of support.
Hope Stuart starts to feel better really soon, poor love!
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 18, 2007 10:43:07 GMT
Hi winegirl
Thanks very much. hectic day already, only just got round to being able to think about breakfast and its lunchtime now, lol. Finally got my toddler to sleep and stuarts started screaming again! Its going to be one of those days.
As for being on my own, its passing relatively quickly so far. I have to admit I did even try to see if my MIL was doing anyhing today, thats how much I didnt want to be on my own. Does this really pass, all this afraid to be alone with them stuff? I'm getting to the stage that I hate even being in the house. No'one seems to understand what its like.
Thanks for being there x
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Post by winegirl on Sept 18, 2007 12:18:36 GMT
Hi Sarah
I understand exactly what its like. My illness is predominantly anxiety which stops fme from getting at and about, but at the same time get desperate to get out of the house! Its awful feeling trapped expecially when you have kids bouncing off the walls!
I am glad today is going well for you and seems to be flying by.
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 18, 2007 15:46:37 GMT
I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one. I even had an epilepsy consultant round 2day and I didnt remember she was coming! my house was a mess, as usual, I cant seem to keep on top of it just now. We have a coal fire and I was out choppping sticks to find steven and a hen inside, they were scrapping about in the pile of sticks at the front door. U can imagine the mess! Other than that hes not too bad 2day, the odd tantrum but I think I might be coping a little better than usual. Surely that a good sign.
Thanks agian winegirl I appreciate the support, its nice to have someone who understand to talk to. x
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Post by winegirl on Sept 18, 2007 19:25:36 GMT
Hi Sarah
No probs. I am glad you have had a bit of a better day today and hope it continues for you x
Liked the bit about the hen in your house, that really made me chuckle and made me think of a scens from `The Darling Buds of May'! LOL
Hope tomorrow goes well for you too x
Winegirl x
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Post by carlie on Sept 18, 2007 21:14:10 GMT
hi sarah, i jus wanted to reaply to a bit in your diary about bein alone with the kids. i hope u dont mind me writing. I had to have someone with me 24/7 for the first 4 months of my daughters life. i would have sever panic attacks if i was left with her. it was a very slow process but i gradually started havin time alone with her sartin with 2 mins! very very slowly weaned myself into bein with her by myself. Now altho stil in the depths of this terrible illness thts one obsticle i have overcome, so you will get there im sure. one hurdle at a time i say. sorry for the intrusion, hope u have a good day tomorrow. x
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Post by stevensmummy on Sept 19, 2007 7:16:37 GMT
Hi Carlie and winegirl
Carlie, its not a problem to intrude, i like the feedback. And thankyou for the support. I am glad to hear I am a little normal when it comes to the fear of being alone with them. It went quite well. My oh surprised me and came home early about 6.30 so it was a major help. Stuart was in bed early and I even managed to get steven off to bed at a decent time.
The darling buds of may is a good description i'd say winegirl! Either that or the dingles from emmerdale, I'm not sure I fancy that idea tho, I dont think my house is that messy!
Thanks girls, I hope you have a good day too
xx
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Post by sianyc on Sept 19, 2007 19:30:22 GMT
Hi
I hated being with both of mine on my own. It's defiantely the PNI cos as soon as that started to improve, I actually started to enjoy some of my days with them. I'd be counting down the hours until G got home from work just so I had company
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