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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 8, 2007 16:00:09 GMT
Well I did it, re gran that is lol. I decided as the opportunity came up I would mention how I feel. And to my surprise she was very supportive. She mentioned very little, just listened. Didnt turn into the good old gran knows best routine. I was surprised.
I've kind of resolved myself to the fact that i could very well be having to move and should try to take as much stress off the preceeding week or two by subtle and non stressed preparation. I was contemplating the fact that I may actually manage to move (while sittin on the toilet actually lol) and that if i managed to get as organised as possible before hand then it might not be that much stress and may actually be possible without a pni relapse. I wonder if it could be too hopeful but I think, at least until I see the house, which I suspect a weeks time, that I may go with that approach.
As for my parents, I thought about what you said scarlet and i guess maybe I was, as you say, supersensitive. In fact I know I was. I was thinkin i may actually mention my fears to mum 2morow. I have a few things i really need to talk about but I have ben holdin back for the reasons as we discussed, a need to know basis. i wonder if I could give it one last try. Try to express my fears to them and see how it goes, then if I get the same response, close the doors. It cant hurt to try.
It never rains ehh?
Onwards and upwards to 2morow it can only get a little better than the last few days. 2morow i'll paint on that smile and hopefully when i come home at the end of the day it might just be a real one!
Love and hugs to you guys, I dont know what I'd do without you xx
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Post by Scarlet on Nov 8, 2007 18:40:13 GMT
Sarah, Glad to hear it went well with your Gran. Sometimes the older generation can suprise us can't they hun. It's good to get organised before your move, but try not to worry beforehand. It's entirely possible that you may not have a blip at this time, perhaps if you try and look at is as an exciting time for you as a family, and once you've settled, and got all your stuff unpacked, a decision you'll be glad you made in the long run. When do you think you'll get the keys? Do have a chat with your mum tomorrow, I should. Maybe she'll surprise you just like your Gran. Parents sometimes put on a brave face for their kids (as you well know), and what they are thinking/feeling might not always be what they portray. See how it goes hun...like you say nothing to lose . Here's to a huge beaming smile tomorrow. Hugs as always Scarlet X
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Post by winegirl on Nov 8, 2007 20:52:43 GMT
Hi Sarah
Wow you sound so much more positive hun! Great that the chat with your Gran went well too!
Its true about moving. If you just start packing the odd box up, sorting through clothes etc a bit each day it will take tons of stress off you! I tend to find that the actual moving day is the biggy, but its ust one day of your life then you can settle in to your nice new home!
Hope tomorrow is a happy smiley one for you hun!
Winegirl x
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Post by Scarlet on Nov 9, 2007 17:16:40 GMT
Sarah,
Did you speak to your mum hun, and how did it go? Let us know if you get the chance.
Gotta go now, am cooking dinner...speak to you after the weekend, have a good one.
Love Scarlet X
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 9, 2007 17:24:02 GMT
Hi girls,
Have a tiny assistant at the keyboard so excuse any unnoticed additions!
I never quite got the chance to talk to mum, I went straight from 2's group to horses and lunch with the inlaws to a very brief period b4 she headed off with steven or sleep over.
Been a good day tho. 2's went well, I made a few feiends and talked much more woith thr mums. i was pleased.
Better go, smells like a poopy helper now!
love and hugs xx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 9, 2007 18:22:01 GMT
LOL! Have fun with that nappy!
Glad you had a good day hun x The 2's thing sounds good. I still dont have the confidence to go to things like that but think its such a great thing to do for both you and little one!
Hope you have another good one tomorrow x
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 10, 2007 12:35:35 GMT
I'm in dispair, I lost a diamond out of my engagement ring last night. I have searched for it but i cant find it. I dont know what to do, its 5 yrs old and thats not nearly old enough for it to be falling apart.
I went ot bed at 8 last night, I cried for hours and couldnt sleep. I feel like its the end of the world. I may be overreacting but as we are not married that ring means the world to me. I'm not sure what to do
x
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Post by winegirl on Nov 10, 2007 12:39:08 GMT
Hi Sarah
have replied about your ring in your other thread. Please let us know what happens.
Winegirl x
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 11, 2007 10:16:47 GMT
As I said on my other thread, I found the stone and have sent it home with mum incase any of it gets lost in the move. That would be the next thing. I feel more positive knowing I have found it but still upset.
I have a busy day today and will be sorting out winter feeds and preparations for the horses this afternoon. I will kepp you informed about wat happens. better go screamer on my lap, hes sick of helping to type!
xx
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Post by marion on Nov 11, 2007 14:22:50 GMT
HI Sarah - hope you dont mind me repyling here but just wanted to say how glad I am that you found your diamond. I read your other thread and could see how upset you were. At least now you can get it repaired.
Love Marion.
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 11, 2007 23:23:18 GMT
Hi girls, and no marrion I do not mind at all, I thankyou for the support.
As you all know by now I have by a stroke of luck found the diamond and do feel much more positive. I still have that aching feeling when I touch my finger wondering why it feels strange with the lack of ring. I just now hope we can get it repaired, although I fear it may be sometime with the stress of moving. I hope that my mum and I can get to the shop this week and see what they have to say.
Today michael was off in the afternoon so it was a pleasant chnage to him working 7 days. I feel this is a positive to my mood, although the financial side of the lack of overtime will bring the opposite but we must try to be tighter and I will hopefully manage. We got a few things aside today, such as bring 2 bales of hay in for the horses since the weather is turning sour. I fear they may be gettin cold with the sudden turn in the weather. With the lack of my licence this year I wont be able to go up daily so it means I will have to have them wintering out or as I hope only in when the weather is bad, ie driving rain or bad snow. I worry far too much, they are afterall horses, but up until now they have been stabled and very well rugged. In comparion to previous years they would have been in a heavyweight at this stage, when they are only in a medium weight, if that. I keep telling myself they are horses some dont even have rugs. Until the boys my horses were my babies!!
The app with the epilepsy specialist is playing on my mind. She tried to tell me every attempt at a pre seizure (altough none of my recent feelings have gotten that far) is another step back to not getting my licence. I almost impolitely told her where to stick her oppinion but I held back and bit my tongue. When I returned to the car to be driven home, I almost didnt mention it to mum and dad, as when I did I wanted to flip and throw something. It took all my strength not to. I looked down and focused on breathing, until I was free from the thought. My doc assures me it is only a proper pre seizure that will affect my history. As I have only felt a little light headed and not quite right I have been calling to check for an increase as to prevent a seizure of even pre seizure, and all have said that this is the ebst solution as it will put things back all the more. i think if I was to have another seizure I would be at the end. I am only just stopping the thought of giving up on life by looking forward to the fact that i will regain my licence in august. The insecirty of the lack of licence and the inability to just get in the car and free myself of the anguish of being alone is almost unbearable. I have resolved to this no longer being a acceptable coping mechanism, although in the hardest times I nearly get in the car and disappear. I am always stopped by the fact that I wont manage on my own and what would I do with the boys and where would we sleep etc etc. Common sense kicks in before I manage to get any further. I guess in reality that is a positive but at the time its almost unbearable. I spend hours thinking of a way out, racking my mind for a solution. A way to get out of here, a way to leave this behind. I try to discuss things and I return to the same brick wall, the lack of understanding, the inability to understand how I can possibly rather be dead than live the way I am now. i long for the day when I find someone who I can talk to. I have reolved to the closure now and will no longer go thro the anguish of try to explain. They say talking helps, but running in big circles makes no difference. Evertime i discuss it, it returns to the same point. I am no further than I was, I still feel the same pain and the same fears. All discussion does is brings them once again to the surface. I give up on trying to talk to them. They are no longer of help to me and I wonder if I now need to move on, maybe I really do need to talk to someone. I'm just not sure I can quite go that far.
You girls are my only sanity in that factor. I owe you all such alot. Thankyou again for providing me the opportuinty to let off and for being the understanding behind the madness and pain.
I'm going to now take a deep breath and bury the pain beneath the screen and smile for tomorow. One day I will get thro this, there are survivers at the end of this tunnel, one day I too will be one of those.
My love and thanks to you girls xx
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 12, 2007 7:59:01 GMT
I've decided today I am going to be productive. I think its almost certain we will be taking this house regardless of how it looks. I see the ony reason not to is if its horrifically small and not enough room for they boys, even then we could apply for a transfer after 6 months so I'm 99% sure we will be taking it.
So as a result I am going to take every step from now until we view the house to busy myself with preparations. Mum has moving boxes so other than asking to take with her those boxes when she comes over today, I am going ro try and be as independant as possible. The anxiety feelings are still very real, but at times I feel, especially in the morning, that if I can just get some organisation and routine, or at least a system, I can get thro the day with a mimimal panic attack and some sort of sanity. My plan. The initiation is, of course, so much harder.
After my entry last night i felt more positive. I have no-one to talk to real-time and resided to letting it off on here. I feel a small weight has been lifted and I can again see some light at the end of the tunnel but not enough to squeeze thro just yet. But days like this i feel much stringer, and hope that I will succed to have more days like this. I guess one day the good days will outweigh the bad. That glimmer at the end I assume will one day, be a space large enough to pull myself thro.
With much thought last night I considered the fact that I may have someone to talk to. I have an epilepsy consultant, and I think she is there for such reasons as to talk to. I was thinking since she is always saying if there is anything at all even just a chat then she is there whenever I want her. I considered emailing her. Asking if its possible to talk with her, explain the situation, how I have no-one and see if she can help me. I do kind of wonder, however, that she may refer me to some sort of situation where I can have theraphy but I'm not ready for that stage just yet. She is a lovely woman, very warm and grandmother like. I get on well with her. It would mean taking down the act but it could be possible.
What do you think girls? Shall i try or should I hold back?
xx
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Post by Scarlet on Nov 12, 2007 8:40:30 GMT
Sarah,
So glad you found your diamond...phew!!!
My sister has eplilepsy, since she was 19, and can't drive..she rides her bike everywhere (doesn't have young children) and is on medication that keeps her seizures at bay. It seems as if you could have just recently being disgnosed hun, what did they say the prognosis was? I know you are itching to get back driving again, and you feel that this is impeding that. What is a pre-seizure by btw, never heard of that (sorry for my ignorance). I have heard of petit-mal and grand-mal seizures.
I would be inclined to contact the epilepsy consultant, as she has said that you could contact her if you have any concerns, it's worth a try hun...I'm all for getting things off your chest and trying to resolve them in your mind, if at all possible. I think therapy/counselling sounds like a good idea, but maybe you could tell her that you will see how you feel about it in the New year after your move if she mentions it.
As for the move, sounds like it's going ahead, you have something to plan for which I think may take your mind off the PNI for a while.. So get yourself busy preparing, boxing things up etc.. this'll give you a new focus for a while. I think the move will be for the best in the long run hun.
Keep talking, we are listening and thinking about you.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by stevensmummy on Nov 12, 2007 9:33:03 GMT
Thanks for the prompt reply Scarlet, I am thinking that I will contact the epilpesy lady, Anne. She did afterall offer her help if I wanted it. Like you say I can always say I'm not quite ready for councelling or anything just yet. Have you had councelling? What is it like? I fear it, but I'm not sure why.
As for a pre-seizure, well from what I've been told, some people get warnings. They call it pre-seizure activity. When you are still aware of everything, ie you know its about to happen but it hasnt yet happened. From what my doc tells me its the signals basically. Some people just go splat, where as some, like me, know b4 hand. My doc assures me what I have been feeling, ie when I up my meds, is well b4 a pre seizure. I think its rather a grey area to be honest. If they dare tell me I'm back to square one they'll be dealing with alot more than pni. I am struggling to bear where i am with this nevermind back to 12months. I really think it would be enough to push me over the edge.
I have spent too long dwelling on that already, I'm going to try to move forward and hope that a new house will be a positive step and help at least a little.
Thanx again for the support xx
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Post by winegirl on Nov 12, 2007 18:56:54 GMT
Hi Sarah
I think you are so amaxing dealing with the epilepsy, pni and kids! I think the mve will be great for you hun and prob take your mind off things a bit too.
Here for you hun x
Winegirl x
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