Smiley's diary

[smiley]

Feeling abit irritated and down this evening.. I havent left the sofa all day. I am on period this week so I hope this is as bad as it gets. Hope it wont be as bad as it has been. Have tingling in face aswell. Praying for good day tom as hubby is away. Little one is not well so I am finding it all abit demanding at mo with getting little sleep.

xx

[winegirl]

Sorry you are struggling Smiley, but I bet your right and it is just bad with the time of the month. I hope today is better for you ?

Winegirl x

[smiley]

Thanks winegirl.. today wasnt too bad actually. I went to see the community pscychologyist (sp?) and discussed what has been happening and she has invited me back for a second session to see if it will help me with my recovery. She just listened and made notes. She was also encouraging and said I had amazing strength to cope with all this and get through the bad times. I kind of expected an explanation of pni and why it happens but ofcourse she had no answers. I felt positive after the session as I felt supported but I think the sessions will be tough as I will have to face some home truths about myself and my childhood..

Have also booked in for a cranial osepathetic massage next week which hopefully will help with the anxiety and stress etc

Smiley

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

Glad yesterday was ok for you and appt with physchologist went well x Let us know how the caranial osepath wotsit goes! Never heard of that before and would be interested to see if you think it helps?

Thinking of you

Winegirl x

[smiley]

Hi Winegirl

Yes I will let you know how it goes.. I saw the lady briefly yesterday and she was quite confident it would help with the anxiety and headaches.. so I have my fingers crossed..

Also guess what?! I had my first ok day today! For the whole day I felt more or less ok - I cant believe it.

Smiley

xx

[winegirl]

Thats great Smiley !!! xx Long may it continue x

[Scarlet]

Smiley I took my eldest son for six sessions of Cranial Osteopathy when he was about 6. I had read that it helped with attention problems in children and wanted to try it.

I think it could help with anxiety and depression (and headaches), it certainly relaxes you as the technician tried it on me as well, I didn't have PNI back then.

Let us know how you get on hun

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Thanks girls.. looking forward to it.

After having that ok day had quite a bad day thereafter. I just felt myself gettting very irritable with my little one and at one point had to leave him crying in his cot and come downstairs for a breather. He is teething, the poor might, and cranky which puts pressure on me due to the way I am feeling. Sometimes, I just think I will never get back to normal and be the mum I want to be loving, supportive and patience and I will continue to be selfish and impatient. It really breaks my heart to think I can't love him like I want to... I feel that I have no self estem as a mother and look at other mothers coping so well and feel resentful of them. I know I would never wish this upon anyone but a part of me does think.. why me?

Had a chat with hubby and found myself telling him that I am 100% better.. I dont know whether that was the right thing to do.. I just can't explain to him what is going on and I didnt want to say that I am still not 100% because he will probably feel helpless. Now I feel guilty for lieing and keep this huge secret from him and also kind of alone in fighting it.

But all in all it was quite a good weekend considering and not a bad week considering I was on my period so hopefully irritability levels should be better here on for afew weeks - fingers crossed.

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

I'm the same. I told my hubby that I'm fully recovered, even though I'm not there 100% yet. I just don't want him worrying, or when we have an argument, attributing it to depression all the time like he used to. So like you, I'm going it alone, welcome to the club hun . We just put on our masks and get on with don't we, men the stonger sex..hmmmm most definitely not I'd say.


It really breaks my heart to think I can't love him like I want to... I feel that I have no self estem as a mother and look at other mothers coping so well and feel resentful of them. I know I would never wish this upon anyone but a part of me does think.. why me?

You will love him like you want to hun, I promise you it'll blossom, it's just gonna take some time, and as your bond grows, so will your self-esteem. It's always harder when they are young babies as well, because they are so dependent on you. As soon as you wee one is toddling and develops his own cheeky personality, it'll lift a bit more.

I can't say I was resentful of other mums, because I think I'm a good mum (even with the PNI). I'm actually no different with my little one these days, than I was with my eldest when he was the same age (didn't have PNI then), except maybe I over-compensate a little, due to the guilt I feel. I don't look at other mums as being better/having a better relationship with their kids, in fact I look at mums and wonder if they are suffering too and putting on a mask, you never can tell. You are coping real well Smiley hun, because you are looking after your child whilst suffering the effects of PNI, now that's coping in my opinion. Never look at other mums and think they are doing a better job, because they get their kids home and shout at them just like we do , it's normal because kids try our patience all the time, and that's what parents do .

It's OK to put your bubs in the cot whilst you have a minute to yourself anyways, so don't beat yourself up about this. We all get irritable from time to time, and need a bit of breathing space. You are making great strides hun, even though you don't realise it.

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Thanks scarlett you are so supportive and kind even though you dont even really know me. Its really touching and brings a tear to me eye. I was kind of relieved to hear you are not disclosing everything to your hubby either as I felt really bad and alone. My counsellor was asking me where I found my strength for recovery and it surprised me as I never thought of myself as brave or anything. But yes we are strong and must credit ourselves with that. I agree with you about other mums as not many women talk about it do they.

I will try to stop giving myself such a hard time and thinking I am evil, and hating myself. I just long for my good qualities to come back as at the moment I am such a negative horrid person.

xx

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

You are not negative and horrid, you are just poorly hun! You shouldn't hate yourself but be proud of how well you are doing! I think you are amazing and doing so well, you just need to remind yourself how good you are doing.

Always listening hun x

Winegirl x

[smiley]

Thanks sweetie

Yes I must remember this is an illness and not me - easy to forget.

xxx

P.s Looking forward to my massage tomorrow ;D

[winegirl]

Ooh yes, sounds fab - let us know how it goes - makes me want to go and book myelf in for one! xxx

[Scarlet]

Let us know how you get on hun. Oooooo I'd love a massage..

[smiley]

Hi girls

Sorry, I did not get a chance to write about my cranial osepathic (sp?) massage yesterday because I felt so emotionally drained by it. Anyways, this was not like your usual lovely massage with lovely smelling oils where you feel like a godess afterwards, it was totally different. Yes it is indeed a treatment not a luxury.

She started off by asking me afew questions and I blurted out that I am recovering from PND (although I had no intention of telling her it just came out - I was just going to say I suffer from stress and anxiety). One, it felt good that I could say I am recovering from PND and not have to say I am sufferingfrom it and two I feel I can talk about it to others (ie not feel ashamed but proud that I am beating it - although I dont feel I can ever tell anyone else who hasnt suffered it themselves, as they just wouldnt understand). The thearpist encouraged me by saying that it was a huge achievement to have fought this on my own without meds and that I was very brave.

Ok, so going on to the treatment it was basically very gentle massage movements on the head and some hard one on my back which were quite painful. It wasnt enjoyable in the sense that a normal massage is but I kind of felt she was fixing me. It lasted about 30 minutes and afterwards she feedback that my whole back was very tense. This is where the whole nervous system lies and by it being tense it was currently haywire causing irritability, overactive mind etc. That made sense as I do feel physically tense there. She also said she felt a sense of sadness when she felt my muscle tissue - that made me feel quite sad. This I dont know whether she was saying because I had told her that I am PND sufferer or whether she had really felt it. Anyway that kind of struck me emotionally. We ended the session by leaving it up to me as to whether I want another session although she said it would be beneficial for me amongst all the other things I was already doing. She said I may feel emotional in the next few days as the body starts to adjust to the treatment. She asked me note how I felt during the week

Afterwards, I did feel very down and felt abit out of sorts and today I woke up feeling abit down also. I dont know whether this is the effect of the treatment or just normal. Anyway I will decide whether I want another session in a week or so.

Smiley

xx