Post by smiley on Sept 25, 2007 11:59:02 GMT
Hello there
Just starting this diary today in the hope that it will help as I have kind of chewed the ears off my hubby and sister and I dont think they can take it anymore! I will start off by giving a history of the past few months and then do a daily diary - sorry its abit long.
I have been suffering from pni for the past 4 months from about when my baby boy was 2/3 weeks old. Maybe it was earlier than that but thats when I began to notice my mood swings.
May 2007
My baby was 3 and half weeks early and came the night I finished work - it was a total shock to the system. I felt over the moon as if my life was just perfect now. I had a fantastic natural birth. I was on a high at the hospital for 4 days but it all went downhill when I came back home.
Everything felt surreal - I just couldnt quite believe that I had a baby. All I kept thinking was but I just finished work! I need time to relax! On top of that I felt overwhelmed by the attention it all bought from friends and family who were overjoyed. I also found that the change this new arrival bought to certain relationships felt uncomfortable. I am not on good terms with all 3 of husbands sisters and hardly see them but here they were drooling all over my baby - I couldnt not stand it! I just wouldnt let anyone pick him up and if they did I felt sick!
I thought these feelings would dissappear as soon as we got settled at home but they just seemed to get worse. The tiredness I thought was something that would pass and the insomnia I thought was due to normal first mum nerves. I then started noticing anxiety and the urge to be baby all the time becoming stronger but being too tired to actually enjoy caring for him. Then, in those early weeks breastfeeding became too tiring and I had to give up (huge guilt trip and self inflicted stress on being such a failure already). I also had 2 hysterical breakdowns in front of health visitors which was put down as baby blues. I felt very pressurised by visitors and could not cope with the constant phone calls, visits and gifts. I found myself on edge about everything to do with baby - running out of nappies, formula, not having enough washed clothes. i was always clock watching and felt terrified when my baby cried. It was like his crying would shatter my soul.
I could kind of feel the happiness zapping out my lifeless body. My body felt like lead, surviving on 1/2 hours sleep and I could not help but notice that I wasn't smiling or laughing anymore. I felt in a daze, kept forgetting things and was very clumsy. At some points I was incoherent and could not have a normal conversation as my words would not come out. On top of this I was having really strong 'let down' feelings in relation to breastfeeding which were giving me mood swings. I just could not let anyone else feed the baby and if they did I felt dead inside and really really down.
Again, I just thought that all this was from lack of sleep and would go as soon as I got some sleep. It didnt no matter how much sleep I got. I then had a massive row with my hubbys mum who was hear to help and this was very stressful and upsetting for all of us. She spent her last week here not talking to me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart and kept thinking this isn't what it was meant to be like. I did have moments where my mood lifted for an hour or two but then massive slumps. I just wanted here out of my house so I could get back to my normal self.
June 2007
It then got to the point that I felt an all consuming sense of depression and hopelessness consume me. My baby was around 5 weeks old. I would wake up in the morning and think 'whats the point?' I felt flat and dead inside. I then started to resent my beautiful boy and felt dead when I looked at him - I couldnt feel any love for him. The days just seem to drag and I felt as if I couldnt function in the real world. My self esteem was on the floor. I had not confidence and couldn't speak or meet up with friends that I had known for years. This is when I told my husband how I was feeling and he was shocked but supportive and said the best way to deal with it was to carry on as normal and wait for these feelings to go and my hormones to balance out. I had to continue looking after the baby and ignore all the sad horrible feelings. I agreed and was encouraged by his positivity. I went back on the pill to balance my hormones out.
I tried to carry on as normal and joined mum and baby groups. It was a struggle just getting up in the morning, let alone turn up to these classes acting all normal with a smile plastered on my face. I suffered panic attacks in supermarket queues and the classes. I suffered huge anxiety just crossing the road. Then the thoughts and nightmares started. I also had visions all the time. I think I hallicinated afew times in the time a man wearing black with his face covered standing by the door of the nursery while I did the nighttime feed. Vivid, frightening, violent thoughts and visions continued more or less every second of the day. Thoughts of harming my baby, thoughts of everyday objects becoming dangerous objects. Thoughts included stamping on him, cutting his throat or slicing him in half. Dropping him down the stairs or throwing him out of the window. Need less to say, I was petrified and felt I was losing my mind or gone psycotic. I begged my husband to take to the mental hospital. He reassured me I was not going mad and these thoughts would go. My sister said the same thing. I went to see my Gp and mentioned these thoughts in a casual way and she said it was normal as my anxiety hormone was high and they would go away. th pill would help in levelling out the hormones or the other optionw as anxiety pills. I declined these as I was determined to deal with this my way.
July 2007
I tried to get through each day I dont know how I dragged myself through them. I kept having highs and lows within minutes of each other. I dreaded looking after him, felt everything was a chore and just felt I could not cope. I didnt want him to wake up after his naps, I didnt want to pick him and felt totally incompetent and totally judged all the time. I also started to hear voices in my head telling me to hurt the baby. I then felt an all consuming anger and there was one incident when my baby was crying that I really felt like throwing him on the floor. I just thought my head would explode. I cried for ages after that - feeling like the worst mother in the world. I still wasnt sleeping or eating and felt like a freak.
August 2007
I also started having sexual thoughts towards anyone and everyone regardless of who they are including my baby. Needless to say this was a shock and panicked me even more. I couldnt sleep or eat and felt I was a sicko. Yet I was still trying to look after my baby as best as I could. I could really admit this to anyone, except my sister who again reassured me that it would all go away soon.
I still hadnt accepted fully that I was ill or had post natal depression at this stage. I kept think it was all because of my haywire hormones and everything would be ok soon. I think I felt ashamed to admit it to myself as though it would make me a weak person.
September 2007
As I write this I feel as though the worst is over even though I am still living this nightmare called pni. The thoughts, anxiety and depression have all lessened but are nevertheless still there. I long for the day when I feel normal again. Reading some of these threads has given me hope for a sunnier day. I bought a self help book about pni in an attempt to understand it and then felt a real sense of acceptance that I was ill, relief that I was normal and possibly abit of hope of a full recovery - this gave me some motivation to continue as I had been. The very opening words 'you dont expect it and you dont deserve it' made me cry.
I can now function in the real world but still am sometimes full of dread or fear. I can be irrational and mostly feel evil. The moods are still swinging up and down mainly afew hours a day.. so if I have an ok morning I may have afew hours of feeling like crap. I have had flashes of feeling normal, good even but they dont last. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I am still quite possesive about the little one. I have moments of sheer joy when I play with him but then a horrible feeling overcomes it. I started taking lemon balm tablets about two weeks ago which seem to calm and uplift me alittle. I may also have some talking treatment soon. Other than that hoping for a miracle that I will wake up from this nightmare soon.
Thanks for reading - I think I covered everything.
Smiley
xx
Just starting this diary today in the hope that it will help as I have kind of chewed the ears off my hubby and sister and I dont think they can take it anymore! I will start off by giving a history of the past few months and then do a daily diary - sorry its abit long.
I have been suffering from pni for the past 4 months from about when my baby boy was 2/3 weeks old. Maybe it was earlier than that but thats when I began to notice my mood swings.
May 2007
My baby was 3 and half weeks early and came the night I finished work - it was a total shock to the system. I felt over the moon as if my life was just perfect now. I had a fantastic natural birth. I was on a high at the hospital for 4 days but it all went downhill when I came back home.
Everything felt surreal - I just couldnt quite believe that I had a baby. All I kept thinking was but I just finished work! I need time to relax! On top of that I felt overwhelmed by the attention it all bought from friends and family who were overjoyed. I also found that the change this new arrival bought to certain relationships felt uncomfortable. I am not on good terms with all 3 of husbands sisters and hardly see them but here they were drooling all over my baby - I couldnt not stand it! I just wouldnt let anyone pick him up and if they did I felt sick!
I thought these feelings would dissappear as soon as we got settled at home but they just seemed to get worse. The tiredness I thought was something that would pass and the insomnia I thought was due to normal first mum nerves. I then started noticing anxiety and the urge to be baby all the time becoming stronger but being too tired to actually enjoy caring for him. Then, in those early weeks breastfeeding became too tiring and I had to give up (huge guilt trip and self inflicted stress on being such a failure already). I also had 2 hysterical breakdowns in front of health visitors which was put down as baby blues. I felt very pressurised by visitors and could not cope with the constant phone calls, visits and gifts. I found myself on edge about everything to do with baby - running out of nappies, formula, not having enough washed clothes. i was always clock watching and felt terrified when my baby cried. It was like his crying would shatter my soul.
I could kind of feel the happiness zapping out my lifeless body. My body felt like lead, surviving on 1/2 hours sleep and I could not help but notice that I wasn't smiling or laughing anymore. I felt in a daze, kept forgetting things and was very clumsy. At some points I was incoherent and could not have a normal conversation as my words would not come out. On top of this I was having really strong 'let down' feelings in relation to breastfeeding which were giving me mood swings. I just could not let anyone else feed the baby and if they did I felt dead inside and really really down.
Again, I just thought that all this was from lack of sleep and would go as soon as I got some sleep. It didnt no matter how much sleep I got. I then had a massive row with my hubbys mum who was hear to help and this was very stressful and upsetting for all of us. She spent her last week here not talking to me. I felt like my whole world had fallen apart and kept thinking this isn't what it was meant to be like. I did have moments where my mood lifted for an hour or two but then massive slumps. I just wanted here out of my house so I could get back to my normal self.
June 2007
It then got to the point that I felt an all consuming sense of depression and hopelessness consume me. My baby was around 5 weeks old. I would wake up in the morning and think 'whats the point?' I felt flat and dead inside. I then started to resent my beautiful boy and felt dead when I looked at him - I couldnt feel any love for him. The days just seem to drag and I felt as if I couldnt function in the real world. My self esteem was on the floor. I had not confidence and couldn't speak or meet up with friends that I had known for years. This is when I told my husband how I was feeling and he was shocked but supportive and said the best way to deal with it was to carry on as normal and wait for these feelings to go and my hormones to balance out. I had to continue looking after the baby and ignore all the sad horrible feelings. I agreed and was encouraged by his positivity. I went back on the pill to balance my hormones out.
I tried to carry on as normal and joined mum and baby groups. It was a struggle just getting up in the morning, let alone turn up to these classes acting all normal with a smile plastered on my face. I suffered panic attacks in supermarket queues and the classes. I suffered huge anxiety just crossing the road. Then the thoughts and nightmares started. I also had visions all the time. I think I hallicinated afew times in the time a man wearing black with his face covered standing by the door of the nursery while I did the nighttime feed. Vivid, frightening, violent thoughts and visions continued more or less every second of the day. Thoughts of harming my baby, thoughts of everyday objects becoming dangerous objects. Thoughts included stamping on him, cutting his throat or slicing him in half. Dropping him down the stairs or throwing him out of the window. Need less to say, I was petrified and felt I was losing my mind or gone psycotic. I begged my husband to take to the mental hospital. He reassured me I was not going mad and these thoughts would go. My sister said the same thing. I went to see my Gp and mentioned these thoughts in a casual way and she said it was normal as my anxiety hormone was high and they would go away. th pill would help in levelling out the hormones or the other optionw as anxiety pills. I declined these as I was determined to deal with this my way.
July 2007
I tried to get through each day I dont know how I dragged myself through them. I kept having highs and lows within minutes of each other. I dreaded looking after him, felt everything was a chore and just felt I could not cope. I didnt want him to wake up after his naps, I didnt want to pick him and felt totally incompetent and totally judged all the time. I also started to hear voices in my head telling me to hurt the baby. I then felt an all consuming anger and there was one incident when my baby was crying that I really felt like throwing him on the floor. I just thought my head would explode. I cried for ages after that - feeling like the worst mother in the world. I still wasnt sleeping or eating and felt like a freak.
August 2007
I also started having sexual thoughts towards anyone and everyone regardless of who they are including my baby. Needless to say this was a shock and panicked me even more. I couldnt sleep or eat and felt I was a sicko. Yet I was still trying to look after my baby as best as I could. I could really admit this to anyone, except my sister who again reassured me that it would all go away soon.
I still hadnt accepted fully that I was ill or had post natal depression at this stage. I kept think it was all because of my haywire hormones and everything would be ok soon. I think I felt ashamed to admit it to myself as though it would make me a weak person.
September 2007
As I write this I feel as though the worst is over even though I am still living this nightmare called pni. The thoughts, anxiety and depression have all lessened but are nevertheless still there. I long for the day when I feel normal again. Reading some of these threads has given me hope for a sunnier day. I bought a self help book about pni in an attempt to understand it and then felt a real sense of acceptance that I was ill, relief that I was normal and possibly abit of hope of a full recovery - this gave me some motivation to continue as I had been. The very opening words 'you dont expect it and you dont deserve it' made me cry.
I can now function in the real world but still am sometimes full of dread or fear. I can be irrational and mostly feel evil. The moods are still swinging up and down mainly afew hours a day.. so if I have an ok morning I may have afew hours of feeling like crap. I have had flashes of feeling normal, good even but they dont last. It takes me ages to fall asleep and I am still quite possesive about the little one. I have moments of sheer joy when I play with him but then a horrible feeling overcomes it. I started taking lemon balm tablets about two weeks ago which seem to calm and uplift me alittle. I may also have some talking treatment soon. Other than that hoping for a miracle that I will wake up from this nightmare soon.
Thanks for reading - I think I covered everything.
Smiley
xx