Smiley's diary

[Scarlet]

Morning Smiley,

Glad you had a good day yesterday. See you are getting better...trouble is we don't remember the good moments when we are having a blip, and think we will always be like this.

At my worst I used to feel that the world is better off without me. I gave so many of belongings away because I felt like I would always be trapped in a living hell, an existence that I would never escape from, but I did ~ and you will too (I promise you). You are a good mum and the bonding will come in time with your baby, and all the numb feelings and anxieties will go. It's like all your symptoms gradually disappear at the same time (this is how it was for me), with lots of ups and downs in between.

You have turned a corner, and each day you are getting one step closer to full recovery. In 3 weeks when you go for your in-depth sessions with the psychologist, she will get to the root of your PNI and you will be well on your way healing fully. She thought you were resilient, and you are ~ believe me, you can get through this and live a normal and happy life with your child ~ and you will.

Here for you

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Thanks scarlett for your kind message. Yes I will keep hoping for better days.

Havent written in my diary for afew days as havent got anymore to say than ' i feel like crap'.

Smiley

[winegirl]

Sorry you are feeling crap babes, hope it passes really soon for you xxxx
WG x

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

I know what you mean about feeling crap hun.. Just know that it will pass. And we are here for you whenever you need to offload.

Thinking of you

Scarlet
X

[sianyc]

Hi Smiley

How've you been?

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

How you doing hun? Hope all is well.

Thinking about you

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi girls

Sorry I havent been in touch but been very busy (I like to keep busy and it distracts me from my troubles). We went away on holiday last week and just got back last night. On top of that we have had to temporarily move out and internet access is limited here. I have also been busy appealing my work's refusal to let me go back parttime. So as I said its been hectic.

Things have improved from last time I wrote - I can feel it. Things feel more manageable now and my symptoms although still there are less disruptive to my daily life. Yes underneath it all it is still all there but I feel it is moving away from me more and more each day. Sigh - thank god for that. I still am coping with the symptoms of pni but like I said there feel in the background and not forefront of my mind now. Its only when I go to sleep they seem stronger.

I have been able to laugh more and cope more so that is a good sign. The dead feeling seems to have gone. I have been on a 8 hour flight with little un and survived! I am trying to get a stronger more positive view of myself as a mother and a person and I am sure my therapist will help me with that. I dont hate myself as much now and am looking forward. I would say I was around 75% recovered.

Having said that the rest of the 25% seems so hard to reach. I am sure I will get there. I have some hard work to do over the next few months. I have the help of therapist and also hoping to attend a pni support group which should help.

At the moment I am dreading a big family get together next week and christmas.. so much to worry about but I must keep strong.

I cant still get over what I have been through and the questions of why me still haunt me daily and suppose I will get over this with slow acceptance.

Must sign off now and will keep updating you.

Smiley
xx

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

Hope you had a lovely time! Where did you go? You are AMAZING to do an 8 hr flight! Even thr thought of getting to the airport freaks me out!

So pleased you feeling like you are finally getting there. Hope you keep us informed with how you are getting on and what happens with your job?

Take Care

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hiya Smiley,

75% is real good hun, I was about 75% in the summer and I'd say that I'm about 95% these days with the odd uneasy feeling now and again due to PMT or stress.

Great that you managed an 8 hour flight. When I was at my worst I flew for 7 hours with both my kids alone...don't know how I managed it looking back, but hubby had to work and me and the kids had to get home from his sisters. Actually I was distracted the whole flight because my baby was 3 months and cried most of the journey.

You will get there hun, I bet if you read some of the posts from your early days you can already notice a difference. I was just checking some of the things I wrote on here in May and I seem like a different person now.

I know what you mean about questions haunting you daily, but you will put these things to the back of your mind with each passing day. I was like this as well, constantly reliving those early days of what happened to me and why I ended up in hospital, and what transpired afterwards, but these days (after many days/hours/weeks of chewing it over mind you) I just look back on that time as a difficult period in my life, one which I wasn't in control of, and I've accepted it and moved on .

You will get there as well Smiley.

Take care hun

Love

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi winegirl and scarlett

Thanks for your replies - they are always just what I want to hear. Scarlett I feel like you know what I am going through inside and out and winegirl you are always so supportive.

I went to dubai and although the first day i was wishing I wasnt there (ofcourse being tired and jet lagged only works to encourage negative and pni thoughts) the rest of the days I was fine even enjoying myself from time to time. Alot of the uncomfortable thoughts and symptoms I used to have did not raise their ugly heads so most of the time I was content. I even felt like making the effort with myself, putting on makeup and clothes etc The dreaded feelings came time to time only.

Yes about my job basically they are forcing me to go back fulltime in the office and I have said I will either work from home 2 days and stay full time or I will come back part-time - both proposals have been rejected. I am appealing it which is quite stressful as I have to go into see them but I am so angry as they are blantly discriminating against me. I will consider taking the matter to a tribunal if I can take the pressure.

Yes 75% recovered and I know in another few months time it will be easier than it is now but as you guys know it is hardwork - this constant battle to regain your self back from the realms of something that is so unknown with no answers. Living with the terror and fear on a daily basis, feeling like you have lost your mind and dignity as a person. I now view my life in three sections before pni, during pni and after pni. I resent the fact it controlled and controls my life and made me utterly powerless. I feel as though I have experienced hell on earth and the people around me are clueless absolutely clueless as to what really happened to me. They know nothing of the power of the mind and the toll it can take on you when it all goes wrong.

I am still living with the fear of whether it will go away totally, whether I will get it back with a second pregnancy (even worse than I had it this time) and whether it will change me forever.

Yes scarlett you are right that I will learn to accept as a difficult period in my life but right now my mind buzzes with these questions. I feel sick of being scared all the time and not knowing who I am. I was so in to self improvement on a spiritual level being the best person you can become and working on goodness when I was well. And now I feel I can never be who I want to be and never accept who I am. In my eyes I will never be good enough, always lack self esteem and disliking myself and my weaknesses. I wonder why people love me when I am so ugly inside. How will my baby love me? When he finds out about this ugliness he will leave me. Winegirl you say I am amazing, my therapist says I am brave and courgeous but I dont believe you. I just hear these words and they feel empty and I cant believe them no matter how I try. Instead I feel ashamed, guilty, bad and weak. I so want to feel good about myself but I just can't get there at the moment.

I feel so stupid not to have know what awaited me once I got home from the hospital. I feel stupid to think that I would get home and I would look after my baby and love it and live happily ever after. But how could have I known? There was nothing I could have done to stop it and that hurts like hell.

Smiley

xx

[Scarlet]

Smiley Dubai? that's where I was hun....

I was so in to self improvement on a spiritual level being the best person you can become and working on goodness when I was well. And now I feel I can never be who I want to be and never accept who I am

Me too, I have this type of personality as well, deep thinker, sentimental old fool, always trying to improve myself, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually. You are STILL this person underneath Smiley, and will always be this person, it's just that your thoughts are clouded by PNI at the moment & when the fog has lifted, the butterfly which is you will emerge again, and you will be who you want to be, the person you were meant to be ~ you really will hun.

I now view my life in three sections before pni, during pni and after pni.

This is EXACTLY the way I used to think as well (even up to a couple of months ago), but now I don't think like this at all. Whenever I was out and about I would reminisce about a time when I visited the same place and I didn't have PNI, and I constantly lived in the past, the past was better in my mind, but I promise you wholeheartedly Smiley that this way of thinking will cease to exist soon...you've gotta trust me on this one hun

Hugs as always

Scarlet
X

[Scarlet]

In my eyes I will never be good enough, always lack self esteem and disliking myself and my weaknesses. I wonder why people love me when I am so ugly inside. How will my baby love me? When he finds out about this ugliness he will leave me. Winegirl you say I am amazing, my therapist says I am brave and courgeous but I dont believe you. I just hear these words and they feel empty and I cant believe them no matter how I try. Instead I feel ashamed, guilty, bad and weak. I so want to feel good about myself but I just can't get there at the moment.

Sorry me again ;D Had to repond to this bit.

Smiley, at the moment you have to ride out these empty emotionless times and trust those who have walked the path you have hun. Your baby WILL love you, there's no doubt about that, and you'll have an intense mother/child bond that you will treasure for eternity. It's just gonna take a bit more time that's all, soon the numb emotionless periods will become less intense and gradually disappear into the dust forever...

[smiley]

Thanks scarlett again just what I needed to hear

I do trust you and believe you when you say things will get better..

Session with therapist yesterday was a toughie again. I cried again and have been crying this morning again just thinking about what we discussed. Although its hard raking up the past and talking about all those things I have repressed I am hoping it will be helpful in the long run

xxx

[Scarlet]

I was thinking about you today Smiley, didn't have time to post anything, but wanted to say that you are doing fine and you are well on the way to recovery hun (I can tell ), and it's good that you had a good cry...let it all out girl, it's for the best.

Take care

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Thanks scarlett you are so sweet

I have come along way and have some way to go but I will get there. I just need to believe in myself and start to love the good things about me. Its hard to do that right now.
I also need to get over what happened to me and I know I will in my own time.

Scarlett thank you for your support and thinking about me - you have helped thr some really hard times, even thu you dont know me you have given me alot of time. I hope you are getting well too and are where you want to be. I feel bad for going on about myself all the time and not asking how you are..

Take care

Smiley xx