Smiley's diary

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

I am back to my normal self now (with a few wobbles now and again due to PMT) and I'm very content with my life thanks hun, and this is where you will be real soon. It was only a few months ago that I was in the same position as you, and I never thought I would ever be fully well again, I thought I would be living with constant mood wings and obsessive thoughts.... but I'm not and I want you to know that you won't either.

Have a lovely weekend

Scarlet
X

[Bobyn]

Hi Smiley,
I hope you don't mind me intruding on your diary. I was just reading it all through and wanted to say hi and that your diary has given me hope and reminded me that we do recover from PNI. This is my second time round and some days I forget that I did get better last time. Reading through your posts from the start you have come so far in only a few months and worked so hard to stay positive and battle this illness. You're a real inspiration, thank you.

On the work side of things I hope you can sort something out, battling your employers at the same time as recovering from PNI is the last thing you need! Let us know how you get on.
Love, Bobyn x

[smiley]

Scarlett thanks for your encouraging words again. I am soooo glad you are better. I hope I am in your shoes soon! xx

Bobyn - wow! I was really touched by your comments I cant believe I am inspiring someone else when most of the time I feel like such a loser! ;D I havent yet read back my diary and think I need to so I can realise what I have achieved. I hope you are getting better too and you can chat to me anytime. Are you writing a diary too? Sending you all my love and best wishes xx

Anyway this week has been tough tough tough and all as a result of my session with my therapist last week and also an impending family weekend this weekend which I am very nervous about.. Also we moved out for afew weeks and my work stuff is putting extra pressure on me. The therapy session last week was very painful for me and I cried for about two days and felt quite sad. I kept thinking about what we had discussed and how the therapist said I am grieving for a childhood that I never had. I keep thinking its too hard to dig into my past and maybe I should ditch therapy as its making me so unhappy. Last night had a huge blip about 11 30pm ish little one kept getting up and I felt so angry as if I could hit him and didnt want him in my life. I cried and cried as feelings of being a failure and not being able to cope overtook me. Then I couldnt sleep. Now I keep thinking that I dont love my baby and he doesnt love me. Also confused about the blip as was doing so well.

Felt better today as been busy and have another session with the therapist tomorrow. Life feels so hard at moment and everyone else seems to be enjoying themselves and looking forwad to christmas - whereas I am dreading it.

I know I must be positive and be grateful for a such a big improvment in how I feel over the last months or so but as everyone knows its hard. Will try to keep my chin up and pamper myself to get thr the next few weeks. xx

Smiley

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

Sorry therapy has been so tough on you.Alot of people say it temporarily makes things worse for them but is a god send in the long run. So I would stick with it, it could be really worth it.

Try not to dwell on the blip, i know its easier said than done, but we all have plenty of blips on the road to recovery, and they do go eventually.

I hope this week is better for you and you have some time to look after yourself x

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hi Smiley,

I think you shouldn't ditch the therapy hun. It's part of the healing process to bring things out in the open, which you have repressed, and to get you to think deeply about them, to the point where you are extremely upset about them at first. Then slowly as you think more and more about the issues, you will become less affected until there comes a time when they don't have an affect at all. This is the way with therapy hun, and it can only be a good thing in the long term, to let things out and not to repress them.

Last night had a huge blip about 11 30pm ish little one kept getting up and I felt so angry as if I could hit him and didnt want him in my life. I cried and cried as feelings of being a failure and not being able to cope overtook me. Then I couldnt sleep. Now I keep thinking that I dont love my baby and he doesnt love me. Also confused about the blip as was doing so well.

I'm sorry that you had a blip, but sadly these are part of recovery and as you are resolving issues with the therapist you are bound to have some. I know I've said it before but I promise you that things will get better and that these blips will become less intense and taper off. You do love your baby and you will bond with him in time. I remember the psychiatrist saying that to me once when I was feeling absolutely numb, and I thought he was mad, that I would never feel love and have a bond with my baby..but I have and I love him deeply, hes really turned into a cheeky toddler and I no longer see him as a duty, which I did in those early days. You will find this as well soon.

Let us know how you get on with the therapist today. Good luck!

Thinking about you

Love and hugs

Scarlet
X

[Bobyn]

Hi Smiley,

Scarlet and Winegirl are right, the therapy may get harder before it gets easier but it will be worth it in the long run. That's one battle I have fought and won in the past. I found therapy so hard to do when I left home and struggled to process my childhood experiences at that time. The feelings resurfaced after PNI the first time round and it was a battle again to open up and talk about things, especially as I felt that I'd already 'dealt with' everything. It turns out being a Mum puts a whole new slant on things.

But you will gets over this blip and you are strong enough to continue with the therapy and help yourself to grieve for the little girl who lost her childhood. Your happiness it worth fighting for I'm sure. Keep going Smiley, you're doing so well. xx

[Jay]

Hi Smiley

Just saying hi really and can understand what you have said about therapy and Christmas etc.

Sometimes it all seems a bit much, but we will get there.
Keep plodding on.

best wishes
Love
Jay xx

[smiley]

Hi all

This weeks session was not tough as the one I had last week - there were no tears. I just spoke and she listened and I kind of felt it wasnt worth going but I will stick with it. She congratulated me on getting thr the stresses of being on holiday, moving out, appealing my works decision all at the same time. In the next few weeks she starting connecting all issues and hopefully we can agee a way forward.

On the whole I feel like I am just trying to get thr the days and ticking them off each day. I live the evenings when I can just lie in my bed and try to sleep! What a horrible way to live! Just trying to get thr and not enjoying anything.

I much appreciate all the best wishes you guys send me and I do believe that I will get better but I just dont know when it will be! If feels like I have been suffering for an age. I dont remember how it feels to be happy or how it feels to want to get out of bed in the morning and start the day.

Oh well nothing we can do hey except wait.. Right oh off to get thr another evening without cracking up! (Atleast my sense of humour has returned!)

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Hiya Smiley,

Was just checking the forum whilst cooking dinner, as always ;D

Re: The session, maybe the tears will come later Smiley hun.

I cried non stop (in between feeling numb) for the first 4 months, I didn't know I had so much hurt to let out. Then it tapered off and I was recovering very slowly. I'd say I felt a hell of a lot better by 10 months and life was becoming good again for longer periods of time.

I know what you mean about trying to get through the days basically existing. I used to live for bedtime as well, and dreaded getting up the next day to my daily dose of obsessive thoughts. You will start enjoying life again hun, this will not be forever. I think by the time my baby was one I stopped seeing him as a duty and formed a bond with him, it was about the same time that he started walking, and his personality shone through, then of course I felt incredibly guilty for ever having felt that way. The guilt has now gone and I look forward to getting up and seeing what the day brings. A far cry from this time last year when I wished I was dead.

Oh well nothing we can do hey except wait.. Right oh off to get thr another evening without cracking up! (Atleast my sense of humour has returned!)
A sure sign you are getting better. I thought I would never laugh again, ever.

Take care hun

Scarlet
X

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

I am another one who just trys to get through the day till bed time too, although as I am getting better i am starting to enjoy the odd thing and even look forward to some things, and it has been a great feeling.

Glad you have your sense of humour back! Good sign that you are almost there hun x

Take Care

WG x

[smiley]

Hi all

Winegirl _ I really turn you were a survivor not a sufferer of pni. This shows how strong you come across in your posts.

Had a another relentless and tiresome day. I was wondering today whether all mothers feel like they are on a rollercoaster of relentless chores or do they actually enjoy motherhood. Do I find things more difficult to cope with, more tiring because I have pni? Will I start enjoying it more when I am 100% well? I just dont know. I feel as though the household tasks just dont end and sometimes I am too tired to cook dinner. Does that make me a failure at all this motherhood thing or do I just take too much on and too many expectations of my day? Is it bad of me to feel relieved when baby is all tucked up in bed at night and I can have some 'me' time?

I went to see the lady that runs the pni support group today and had a chat with her. Its a big step to agree to turn up every week for 6 weeks and expose yourself to another 7 women in the same boat. I'm quite scared actually and the first session starts next week. But I do want to do it just so I get to meet others who are going through what I am going through. The lady was quite solemn in her approach and I didnt immediately feel like I liked her. I dont think she has suffered from pni so couldnt really understand how it feels. No offence to her. She asked if I had a history of depression or mental health - which I thought was offensive actually. That is such a stereotypcial view of pni! No I wasnt crackers before the birth of my baby but I was after it!

Having said that I have had some good thoughts today as a result of my therapy. I think our chats are starting to sink in. I have started feeling as if I do deserve this baby and that I am the best mum he could of ever dreamed of having. I am feeling less threatened by this impending weekend with the in laws which is a good sign too that my self esteem is coming back as a person. I am feeling more that I am good person and although I do not get on with afew people it doesnt make me evil and bad. I am really looking forward to getting stuck into this therapy so I can really work on more improvements on my way of thinking. I am also starting to believe that I am a strong determined person to be dealing with such a wretched illness and starting to have alitte tiny bit of respect for myself. Surely this can only be a good sign...?

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Hi Smiley,

Had a another relentless and tiresome day. I was wondering today whether all mothers feel like they are on a rollercoaster of relentless chores or do they actually enjoy motherhood.

I didn't have PNI with my first and I can tell you that I felt like this as well, I hate monotonous household chores at the best of times anyways (lazy bugger that I am ).

Is it bad of me to feel relieved when baby is all tucked up in bed at night and I can have some 'me' time?

Nope it most certainly does not, thank God for bedtime ;D

She asked if I had a history of depression or mental health - which I thought was offensive actually. That is such a stereotypcial view of pni! No I wasnt crackers before the birth of my baby but I was after it!

It's great that you have enrolled yourself in a support group, even if the woman seems a bit stand-offish, maybe she was a bit nervous. Let us know how it goes, but imo every little helps.

I've been asked if I have a history as well, and I find it very offensive too, and to be honest it makes me feel very uncomfortable to be asked this question. I absolutely detest labels and I don't class myself as crackers either (well a bit maybe ). Trouble is I don't always say what I'm thinking when taken aback with a question like this, it's only afterwards that I start thinking of the reply I should have actually given.
"No I don't have a history of mental illnesses, DO YOU?" would be an appropriate response I think

I have started feeling as if I do deserve this baby and that I am the best mum he could of ever dreamed of having. I am feeling less threatened by this impending weekend with the in laws which is a good sign too that my self esteem is coming back as a person. I am feeling more that I am good person and although I do not get on with afew people it doesnt make me evil and bad. I am really looking forward to getting stuck into this therapy so I can really work on more improvements on my way of thinking. I am also starting to believe that I am a strong determined person to be dealing with such a wretched illness and starting to have alitte tiny bit of respect for myself. Surely this can only be a good sign...?

Blooming is girl ;D, and you are doing well, see the real you is shining through more and more and you'll soon be fully back to the person you were before the PNI.

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi Scarlett! I know these good thoughts are a big breakthrough! ;D Just a matter of time before they totally occupy my mind - I hope! Yes the real me is peeping thru again after 6 months of hell! I am soooo relieved and thankful. I feel almost normal again with the odd uncomfortable moments or phases.

Today was a real tough day with baby teething and I got thr it with patience and the will of god! If I can survive that I can do anything. I think I will probaby be very good at this motherhood thing! I was also relieved to hear that other mothers feel the same with the tiredness and the relentness of the chores - phew! I suppose when I am fully better I can feel less stressed about it and have a more easy going approach.

Having up and down feelings throughout day sometimes I feel normal and top of the world and as if I am 100% better and then at other times I feel about 30% ill again. Both phases are temporary and come and go. They are very subtle though and not as strong as the ups and downs I used to have. Still dont feel like getting up thu and I am thinking is that just me being lazy?! ;D

Inlaws sent something for baby today and I didnt feel anxious about it - or obsess about it all as I was doing. Just alittle uncomfortable. I know these are all good signs!

Wish me luck for this weekend with the out-laws!!

Smiley

xx

[winegirl]

Best of luck Smiley! Just grit your teeth through it hun, will be thinking of you x

WG x

[Bobyn]

Hi Smiley,

I can completely empathise with your last 2 posts. The monotony of child rearing can sometimes really drag me down and I just end up feeling like a robot doing all the chores and forgetting to make time for me. Some days I forget who I really am any more! But then others I feel 100% better like you say and I feel normal again and happy with my lot. Isn't it awful then when you crash back down to the 30% better days?!

I'll be thinking of you with your in laws. I have that joy to come in January and not before thankfully. I thought I was the only person who called them the out laws

Love, Bobyn

P.S You're not lazy, I don't think this awful grey weather makes any of us feel like getting out of a nice warm cosy bed, and I know what you mean when you say some days you're just getting thru the day so you can return to your nest. x