Smiley's diary

[winegirl]

How odd that she could tell all that stuff about you just by massaging you! I hope it works and you start to feel better as the week goes on.

Thinking of you x

Winegirl x

[Scarlet]

The massage is meant to bring your body and mind into balance by massaging the head , encouraging circulation of the cerebrospinal fluid. It's a holistic treatment and they can even do it on babies to help with sleeping. I remember the lady who massaged my sons head saying she could actually feel the tension on one side of his head.

Do go back in a couple of weeks Smiley, I'm sure it will help you. You probably have to have about 5-6 sessions. Is it expensive? When I took my son, they actually paid for it on the medical insurance over here....but it was around 20 pounds a session normally.
If I could get someone to babysit, I'd go for a few sessions myself...that or some reflexology.

[smiley]

Hi Scarlet

Thanks for explaining all that. I still cant say whether it has helped or that things are improving generally anyway. I might go back for another session but it is quite expensive at around £43 a session.. maybe I could find somewhere cheaper..

Anyway, last few days have been bearable. I know I should be happy as they are an improvement to what I felt before but I just feel like I am living like a zombie without really being able to feel happy. Just have to wait til things get better

Smiley

[Scarlet]

Smiley, that's pretty steep isn't it, I wonder if you could find a cheaper one...I guess they don't do it on ther NHS. Over here's it's a recognised medical treatment so we get money back on the insurance and we have to pay around4 pounds out of our own pockets.

You will get better hun, I promise you. I never thought I would ever be the same again, but the old me is almost back now, albeit in a slightly changed version.. You'll be the same in time as well, even if you don't believe it most days.

Hope you are having a good day today.

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi Scarlet

Yes I might try to find a cheaper place. Glad to hear you are back to your normal self I cant wait to be.. when you say a 'changed version' I am interested to know what you mean by that..

I dont feel too good today I think the pending therapy session tomorrow is making me feel abit down and out. I did not feel like getting out of bed this morning and wished I could sleep the day away. Feeling rather miserable and pessimistic about things. i just feel there is no way out of this hole and all my energy has been drained. I feel so sad for myself and my beautiful baby. I can cope with the mixed feelings I have towards him including resentment. I want to be a normal loving mum not a mother who feels insecure all the time and cant cope with other people taking an interest in my baby. Wierd!

Hubby told me that our friends are expecting their second child and I strangely felt jealous. I dont know why when all I have ever wanted I have got. I dont know whether I am bitter that I got pnd and others around have not and loving their babies. What horrible thoughts I am having.. I dont like myself at all for this.

I keep setting myself targets ie I will be better by the time I go abroad at the end of the month or I will be better by christmas and I know I wont. I feel gutted!

I have no energy or enthusiasm for life. I still dont know how I am surviving on a daily basis.. I know that this all sounds very pathetic but its the truth.

smiley

[monica]

Hi

I wanted to say I remember feeling how you did - that even though there were marked improvements , I would rarely feel 'normal' and it would seem that PNI would be with me forever. Please believe me it will go. It might take a bit of time but you will be get to a point when you are able to discard the PNI cloak forever.

I hoep you don't mind me saying this, but try not to set yourself targets for a full recovery. It must be so frustrating when it doesn't happen and can contribute to feelings of failure. Instead try focusing on positive things that happen on a daily basis - if you have a good few hours, give yourself a pat on the back. Maybe if you do feel abit low, do something nice foryouself that mgiht give you a little boost. I hope you're not offended by this cos I know hwen you feel like pants it's so annoying someone saying do this don't do this. I just know how frustrating this illness can be and really feel for you.

Good luck withthe cranial osteopathy. I tried this too. Abit like you, I don't know if it helped or I was improving with or without it, but I must say I did enjly the sessions as the lady was lovely and we'd have a good natter - quite therapeutic. I paid £30 per session. £43 is quite steep.

Good luck withthe therapy tomorrow.

Love

Monica

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

Sorry you are not feeling too good today. It's normal to have mixed feelings, to not know your own mind and be up and down during recovery, and I know exactly how you feel with regards to your friend and her baby, but I promise you will get there hun, and the resentment and jealousy will disappear with time.

I stopped setting myself targets a while back, and accepted that it's gonna take time. Monica is right hun (she's given me a lot of good advice on here which I won't forget). Perhaps instead, think to yourself that you will be a hell of a lot better by Xmas (which you will), maybe not fully recovered, but a lot nearer the end of the tunnel, and you will have a lot of good days, and 2008 will be a really good year for you.

A couple of months ago I was confident that I was nearing the end and it would all be over for me by 18 months...but I'm almost to 18 months now and I'm not 100% yet (almost, but not quite). There are still days that I have an uneasy feeling that I may fall on a pile in the floor and be back to square one. But the blips that I have these days are manageable, and as you progress Smiley, you will have more days of normality, and you will be able to ride the bad times more easily.

I think the 'changed' me is more empathetic and understanding. I can truly put myself in the position of someone who is suffering depression and anxiety and feel their pain (literally). This I will take with me through the tunnel I know it.

Love and hugs

Keep talking hun

love Scarlet
X

[Scarlet]

Smiley,

Just wanted to also say, that because my PNI has gone on for 18 months, it doesn't mean yours will. I have a friend who had PNI for around 10 months and it had totally disappeared by a year.

For me, my PNI lifted substantially after about 10 months and my quality of life improved as a result. Even though I haven't fully recovered yet, because I'm still a bit edgy and have scars of what happened to me, I no longer get days that I want to stay in bed, or that I don't want to live. I'm not so up and down these days and most of my days are positive.

I wanted to tell you this so that you wouldn't worry and think to yourself, 'what if' my PNI lasts that long. It's different for everyone, and your could well be of a shorter duration, and by the sounds of it you are doing very well after a short time ~ so this may well be the case.

Hugs and hope you are having a better day today Smiley, there's lots of them in store for you hun..

love Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hi monica and scarlet

Everything you say makes sense and i know you guys totally understand me. You are right in saying that I shouldnt set myself targets. I know I have no control over when I will feel better but I think I do this as a coping mechanism. I just dread family gatherings as thats when my PNI feels at its worst or I feel I have to hide it more which is very stressful. If I say to myself I will be better by then then I feel able to cope. Maybe, I should say I will be 'much better by then' instead.

Also what I am starting to worry and panic about now is going back to work next year and not being better and also if I have another baby that I will get it again. I know that PNI makes you think irrationally hence the fear and depression and I shouldnt really think about these things yet but sometimes I cant help it.

Thanks for all your advice - it really means alot. I can't keep beating myself up over being ill, i know that I just hope I can put it into practice. Some of these thoughts make you feel worthless and a horrid person. Your personal stories are helpful and give me strength. I just feel like I have been deserted and left to cope with this PNI alone. My hubby thinks I am 100% better and sister has gone on holiday for 3 weeks. I feel like I have no-one to talk to about it or no-one to give me that special loving care while I get better.. (except you guys ofcourse). There is alot of pressure on me and sometimes it gets me down and I think what is the point!

Scarlett dont worry hun, although I did worry that I will still be sick in 12 months time but also I might not - who knows. My cousin had it for 12 months but didnt tell anyone. I just think maybe the counselling and staying active might help me get better quicker but I am probably kidding myself!

Everyday just feels like the same nightmare and I know that I have passed the hardest lows. I just need some good highs. I dont think that I have had any good highs lasting hours where I feel at peace and truely happy. I may have had some high moments but thats about it.

Got my appointment witht he phychologist this afternoon and half me doesnt want to go as I dont think it will help. Lately, I have began feeling that I should stay in bed and not go out and about as just stay at home riding this illness out...

Smiley xx

[Scarlet]

Awwww Smiley hun,

You are not alone, don't ever forget that. Come on here when you are feeling low and we will help you get through it.

It must be hard at the moment with your sister off on holiday for 3 weeks, and being alone with no-one knowing what you are going through ~ I know the feeling well.

Don't stop in bed hun, with the aim of riding it out. It'll go a bit quicker (imo) if you get yourself up and running. What do you do with yourself during the day?Do you have parents around or friends you can go and visit? Get yourself to Tescos or similar and do some shopping, and stop off for a cup of tea in the cafe...anything to get you out of the bed. You don't have to be 100% either, you are getting better without realising it, and ever little bit helps.

If it's a coping mechanism for you to say to yourself that this time in a month/2 months you will be better, then so be it. Use whatever strategy you can at the time and what works for you. The main thing is knowing that you will get well again...which is a fact hun, believe this.

I know you dread the family gathering events, but even if you are feeling anxious, self-conscious that every one knows, or just plain uncomfortable, do it...don't hide yourself away and give yourself time to ruminate. It's difficult, but what you have to remember is that you are making short term steps, which will help your recovery in the long term.

Don't worry about going back to work. I think you'll find that even if you get back to work when you aren't fully recovered it will help you enormously, give you a different focus in life, get you distracted and interacting with others (depending on your job of course) in the long run it'll stop you ruminating. Sometimes getting back to work helps speed up the recovery process.

As for another baby, well you will know if and when you are ready again. You may not get PNI again, I know women who went on to have a second and third, PNI free.. If you did get it again, then you will be able to carry with you into the next pregnancy, the knowldege that you recovered once, and will do it again. Some ladies on here went on to get PNI again and have recovered twice. You can do it as well if need be...just don't think that far ahead yet (although I know it's difficult).

You are not a horrid and worthless person, you are a strong caring loving mum..whose recovering ever day.

Everyday just feels like the same nightmare and I know that I have passed the hardest lows. I just need some good highs. I dont think that I have had any good highs lasting hours where I feel at peace and truely happy. I may have had some high moments but thats about it.

If...(and that's a big if in my opinion Smiley), you do still have PNI in 12 months time, then it will be nearing it's end I'm sure, and you will be managing your life a whole lot better and looking to a bright future....in fact I think by the sounds of it you are recovering nicely, it's only you who do not see it...because the PNI makes you think that it's with you all the time and you are not having good moments/minutes/hours/days...even when you are. It was only a few months ago (summer) that I was having good moments, but now I'm having good days/weeks, so the duration is not cast in stone hun...and this will be you soon, mark my words.

Let us know how you get on with the psychologist, it's unerstandable to be pessimistic. It's because you feel that no-one can actually help you, when that is soooo untrue. One day you'll realise this.

Love and Hugs

Scarlet
X

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

I actually went through a stage of staying at home riding the illness out. I treated it like the flu believeing if I just rested up and did nothing it would help me recover. But for me it made things worse. I think it is definately the better option to keep pushing yourself a little bit (without over doing it) to try and add a bit of normailty back into your life.

I hope the apt went well this afternoon? Let us know how it went x

Winegirl x

[smiley]

Hi girls

Thanks for your replies. I am sitting here crying my eyes out after reading them as they are just so caring and supportive. I cant believe how much you care about how I am feeling.. its really overwhelming.. xx

Well I feel a good cry is well overdue and am hoping it will help me deal with stresses of this illness alittle better. For awhile I have felt zombie like and even if I wanted to cry the emotion was just not there - I just felt dead and without feeling. I feel emotionally drained today after my appointment with the pychologist. We went over stuff in more detail this week and alot of issues came out that related to my childhood and how I feel about my upbringing and how that is reflecting upon my feelings today about being mother. How I feel that I am not good enough as a mother, feel worthless, insecure and strive for perfection etc etc. We also talked about how hard I was on myself as a mother and how we can work towards stopping these feelings of guilt etc. I blubbed in the session so it must have hit the nail on the head. I know these sessions will be tough but I think they will really help.

Yes I know you are right and I will try to continue with getting out and about. I have made alot of new friends but dont have any family here. I know that every little step I take will amount to a big step towards my recovery. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

Thanks again for all your support.

Smiley

xx

[winegirl]

Hi Smiley

Hope you feel better for having a good cry. I think sometimes we need that release.

I am hoping that tomorrow is a better day for you too x

Winegirl x

[Scarlet]

Morning Smiley,

Sometimes we need to cry and let out all of the pain we have inside, so I hope you had a good cry yesterday and let it all out hun.

I know what you mean about feeling like a zombie, the numbness which usually follows after a bout of anxiety. It lessens with time Smiley, and the numbness becomes manageable until it disappears altogether. I rarely get these numb moments, but they do come when I'm under stress or usually before PMT when I get a few of the thoughts back and become anxious about them.

The psychologist meeting sounded like it went well despite the fact that you were drained emotionally. It's good that he's looking into your childhood and trying to bring out the possible reasons for your PNI. I'm sure it's going to do you help you sort some of these underlying issues which could have contributed hun and that can only be a good thing. When's your next appointment?

Do get out and about with your friends when you can and get some semblence of normality back. Like I said, it doesn't matter if you are feeling under par and still having thoughts, making the effort will help you in the long run even if you don't realise it at the time ~ it really does help with reovery.

Thinking of you

Hugs

Scarlet
X

[smiley]

Hiya guys

Had a relatively better day than the last few days. I kind of felt I had turned a corner yesterday after the meeting with my physchologist for a second time. Yes I did feel better after a good cry. I kept thinking about at the session what we talked about and hearing myself saying all these things I realised how untrue and silly they actually were.. I am not a bad mother or someone that doesnt deserve this baby. I am just someone doing their best. I will need to learn to challenge this negative thinking with her help.

Her explanation of why I might have had bad thoughts, visions and hallicinations was so different to mine. It made sense of the chaos of the last few months. She said its actually the most committed parent that feels so protective and axious about their newborn. It made me think that the way i had acted in the first few months of giving birth was perfectly normal in the circumstances. She also thought my story was one of resilence and determination which surprised me. I am looking forward to the indepth sessions starting in three weeks time.

I think I have found some more strenght to fight this battle.

Smiley

xxxxx