smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Sept 2, 2008 19:08:02 GMT
Hey WG Your replies in the past few weeks have kept me sane! Feel so relieved by your reply. Yes, most likely to be normal mummy stress and the good news the stressful feelings were not accompanied by the physical symptoms and obsessional thoughts this time. DH was stressed too. Yai I'm normal! So far so good as LO is ok. I spotted to 2 spots yesterday and thought that was it but this morning they were not to be seen! ;D But I still scared he may get them in the next 2 weeks. Oh well, we will cope some how. I still feel abit on edge. I am still struggling with 2 issues in my life and I know I have asked for advice on this about a thousand times! So sorry! 1. I dont get on with my in laws! Fair enough but this is affecting issues re: LO. I dont like them seeing him (Yes I am evil!) I try to overcome and rationalise with these feelings but I feel so insecure and horrible when it comes to them. Yes, I am getting more tolerant as I feel better but I dont want to feel like that in the first place! I want LO is know and love his family. I thought as I feel better these feelings will go away but although they have lessened they are still here! What can I do? 2. Second thing is I feel so distant to DH. I am always on the defensive with thim and dont feel very loving towards him at all. Anyone else felt like this? How can I change this? Smiley xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 2, 2008 19:28:15 GMT
Hi Smiley
Yes I have been very distant to hubby sine PNI. I still love him and want to be with him but dont feel at all affectionate. After discussing this with many women on here this can be quite common with PNI and seems to get better with time.
As for your inlaws, well its tough for me to comment as we had a major fall out with mine and I have banned them from comig near my daughter (long story). But if you are tolerating them then that is a good start. I think that perhaps, and I know I sound like a broken record, it is just another thing that will come in time. You cant expect everything to be just perfect with or without PNI, and some of your feelings will be PNI or non PNI related that you have to give a bit of time to get better.
I know there are some of my Hubbys family who we do still have contact with and for ages I didnt like them being in my LO;s life either. But I am ok these days. I have my boundaries that are not to be crossed byut am happy that she has an aunty and uncle in her life....
You are doing so well Smiley, stop beating yourself up over things, they will all come when they are ready xx
Take Care
WG xx
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Sept 2, 2008 19:56:04 GMT
WG Thanks so much! You are a such a lifeline! I feel exactly the same about DH - love him but cant show it. I will give everything time. xxxxx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 2, 2008 19:57:10 GMT
You know where to come and offload in the meantime x
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Sept 4, 2008 12:03:04 GMT
Hey, Having an ok day today. Found out from nursery yesterday that the pox was also reported in the baby room on Monday so LO is definately not out of the woods. He was at nursery on the Monday. So am still panicking. Today he is not feeling so well, (cough and cold) so that maybe a symptom! I dont why but I am getting myself really worked up about this. I think not knowing whether he will get it or not and the anticipation is not helping with stress levels. I would rather him just get it and get it over with. Weekend plans are mostly likely cancelled. Am really missing my mum and dad so was looking forward to seeing them, so am abit upset. Also, fact that DH has suggested his mum and dad come and help out has got me panicking! I dont want them here. That sounds awful doesnt it? Am really on edge about it all. Rang my granny who is abroad at mo and burst into tears at the end saying 'im missing you'. Which I am. I think this was a normal outburst - I am close to my granny and I am missing her. I used to cry before pni right? Then went onto thinking what a selfish person I am for not wanting LO to be close to his grandparents when I am. Feel like a hyprocrite. But deep down I do want him to be close but Im scared of something.. But what? Am I jealous or insecure? Why??? Keep thinking I will think differently when I am totally better but will I? I still keep have episodes where I am quite horrible to myself and harsh. Is this because I have no self esteem? Will I ever like myself and feel secure? Smiley xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 4, 2008 12:18:40 GMT
Hi Smiley
Of course it is normal to cry without PNI. You are still allowed to miss your gran!
I am so with you on the pox thing. I remember going through the same thing with my LO. Had she got it, had she not - the spots dont come out till they have had it for 10 days and it did my head in worrying about it. My husband thought I was mad for worrying about it so much...
Your self esteem will have taken a battering from PNI, expect it to take a liitle while to come back - it wont be overnight but it will gradually come back.
I dont know what to say about your inlawa as I feel exactly the same about mine and have never figured it out! I have wondered if I just like my little family in my little world and want it all to myself... But not sure still...
Be good to yourself smiley, you are doing fine, give yourself some slack!!
WG x
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Sept 4, 2008 17:13:28 GMT
Thanks WG you are the font of all knowledge and always say things that instantly make me feel better! You should bottle that up and sell it! ;D
I suppose another reason why I cried was because no one in my family except my lil sis know of my Pni and hardship. I suppose it was a way of feeling sorry for myself. But its good to cry.
Feeling ok and hanging in there
Smiley
xx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Sept 4, 2008 20:23:17 GMT
Hi Smiley
I instantly started to feel a bit better about things when I told people about my PNI. I didnt tell anyone for a long time, but these days you cant shut me up about it!
Crying is a good thing, its a form of release and will help you feel a bit calmer afterwards.
Glad you are feeling ok now - chin up babes!!
WG xx
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Oct 2, 2008 15:22:14 GMT
Hi I am getting really worried that I am not getting 100% better from this illness. Everyone is saying it takes time but my Lo is 17 months now. How much longer? I went to see the doc and she said sometimes it can take 2 or 3 years! Great! I am feeling down because I dont feel fully better and there is nothing I can do about it. I am sooooo bored of it! Not so smiley
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Oct 3, 2008 7:59:47 GMT
Hey babes
That was me too. My LO was about 2 years old when I felt 90% there and I still think I am only 99% these days. For ages it bothered me that I just wasnt 100% better.
But I have to look back on how things were. When it was rock botton and see how far I have come, and actually - not being 100% isnt that bad if it will come eventually (and it will). I hate all this `time is a great healer' stuff, but it is so true. You cant expect to go through everything you have and it not leave a bit of an effect on you for a while.
Be smiley babes, you have done AMAZINGLY and you WILL be 100% again, just try to take each day for what it is as opposed to worrying about when you will be totally free of it and you will be able to relax and enjoy so much more...
Sending you MASSIVE hugs my friend ((()))
WG xxx
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Oct 3, 2008 12:10:32 GMT
Hey WG
Thanks for your advice. It has made me feel calmer. I think being stressed and worried about not being 100% is ACTUALLY making me feel unwell. If you know what I mean. I cant even enjoy the things I am able to enjoy because I so highly strung about not being better. I am just so upset that in April, May time I really thought I felt 99% better and was seeing the back of it. Then came a massive blip from July due to house move onwards and I still suffering from it. But I know that I cant do anything to recover other than wait for it to happen.
Thanks for all your help and I hope your 100% soon.
It means so much to know that I WILL GET BETTER!
Smiley
xx
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Oct 19, 2008 8:04:02 GMT
Hey Smiley, Long time since we spoke. I have been catchingup with your diary hun and wanted to say that you need to try not to worry about not being 100%. If you are 99% or even less go with it, 100% comes when you stop thinking about it. I was better sometime between 18 months and 22 months I'd say, and when I got to around 18 months it was the time I stopped worrying about the next blip and thought to myself what the hell, so what if another one comes along. You get stronger each day, and changing a learned behaviour takes a long time. Think to yourself, so what if I'm having odd blips til 18 months, even 2 years... I'll accept it and just get on with life. Also you mentioned in another post, should you face your fears or sit back and wait until you are well enough. I say face them hun, you will get to the finish line sooner. I read somewhere that you have to do something around 15 times to be fearful of it no more. This worked for me, if I was a fraid of something then I went right ahead and did it, and you are in a position, being nearly fully well to be able to do this also. , I am not talking about bungee jumping , just the everyday things in life that are necessary for 'normal' living... go ahead and do them, even if you have anxiety pangs. My recovery came on in leaps and bounds when I adopted this method of facing my fears, and I can honestly say that I don't fear much these days, even spiders and I had a spider phobia for most of my life (long before PNI). Always here for you Hugs S xxxx
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Oct 20, 2008 19:14:49 GMT
Hi Scarlet Aah its been a long time. Thanks for checking in with me - I appreciate your time. Yes, what a mess the last few months have been for me! Since I moved in July I have left crippled by PNI again. The fear and anxiety came back with a vengence and I was devestated. I just didnt expect this blip and really thought I had nearly seen the back of it sometime in May. Imagine my despair having found myself back in a dark well lets say grey place. That is why I was so scared that I wasnt getting any better. This worry and stress added to the depression and feelings of hopelessness. I am feeling alot better in the last week or so and maybe the blip is over or maybe it isnt - i dont really care anymore. just like you said - I dont care anymore?! I am livign with pni and accepting it as apart of my life - maybe one day it will disappear forever. I am really trying hard not to worry about whether I am 100% or not but its hard. I know I may sound stupid but I really want another baby and only a 3 year gap between my Lo and the next. I just feel like this PNI has messed up my life for the last 17 months but I wont let it mess up my life. I WILL go onto having another baby and it will be on my own terms ie a gap I want! I know that sounds stupid and I should be thinking I will have another when the time is right but I cant think like that. It would make me really happy to have 3 year gap for some reason and I am obsessed with this - thinking that I would have to wait just makes me sad!! That means I HAVE be 100% better soon!!! That is the pressure I am putting on myself and I am worrying myself silly as to why I am not better. That goes along with the fact I never would have thought that 17 months down the line I would not be feeling like pni was a thing of the past. I still have issues re: possessiveness and insecurity surrounding LO esp. with DH's family and I hate feeling like that because they are apart of LO's life. Anyway, looking at the positives I have come along way and I think the blip is lifting. I am getting great local support which is really helping and I dont feel quite so alone. The fact that I am even entertaining having another, feeling alittle broody and looking 4wrd to it must mean I must be abit better!! Just sitting here waiting for a better day... Thanks for reading Smiley xx
|
|
smiley
Senior Member
Posts: 268
|
Post by smiley on Jan 6, 2009 19:54:32 GMT
Hey all
Haven't written for awhile. Felt the need to write again, what with the new year and new start. LO is 20 months now, so I feel like my nightmare of PNI has finally ended or ending. I dont think I am suffering from it anymore or not as instensely but I am dealing with the aftermath of it all and what it has destroyed in my life and that is really hard to deal with.
My self esteem, confidence, trust in myself and others, positivity and relationships with family have all taken a huge battering and I feel like I am starting again on all accounts. So any support on that would be great. I guess I need on advice on how to handle this period in my life where I am trying to piece everything back again. I know it will take time to build my life again but I feel crippled by it sometimes and apart of me wants everything back like it used to be in an instance. I am still living my life in fear, fear of what happened and what could happen again.
I still have times when I feel anxious for no reason and I know I am quite stressed most of the time but I practice relaxation and hope this will help. Certain things still trigger anxiety but I can handle it better now. I still have the odd intrusive thought when im anxious and I hope this will go totally soon. And I suppose there is still a sadness surrounding me as I come to terms with what happened and I cant quite look forward as much I want to and inside do think about the past (although not as much as I used to)
We are thinking of having another baby this year so obviously there are anxieties there and I am suffering crazy pmt since coming off the pill.
I would love to hear from ladies about this aftermath period of pni and how to deal with it and also ladies who decided to go for a second child and how they felt etc
lots of love
Smiley
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Jan 7, 2009 12:29:28 GMT
Hi Smiley
Happy new year to you babes! Lovely to hear from you. x
I like you would say that I am still dealing with the aftermath of PNI. My relationship with my husband has been battered, my nerves are shattered, I have developed a drinking a problem, and am dealing with things very diferently than I used to before PNI.
However, gradually some things are starting to return to how they were. My LO is 2 and haf now and I would have assumed by now that I would be completely over the PNI. But sometimes things like this have such an impact on your life they are bound to change things.
I have accepted that some parts of me have changed forever, but I am still fighting to get other parts back. The way I am dealing with it is very slowly, and one thing at a time. Like you, I was so frustrated that I couldnt just get over it all and everything wasnt back to normal, even though I was well, but I have learnt to accept that these things will come when they come.
I still get the odd anxiety moment, but dont dwell on it any more and it bothers me so little. I just take one task at a time that needs to be put right again in life and work on it. Even if it takes months, its a slow process.
You have come so far Smiley, and I am sooo proud of you for kicking this thing in the ass. Please just try to take every day still as it comes and not work yourself up about how things are now post PNI, because in time, you will be you again.
Always here and listening xx
WG x
|
|