Dear Syn
I have not posted to you before here on your diary - so I hope you do not mind?
Your post brings back to so much me how absolutely awful it was when my child was a small baby and I was doing all the child care on my own even though I was very ill with PNI.
My husband is a seaman who was not even here for at least 8 months of the year!
And when he was home, when she was very young he did nothing in terms of getting up in the night to see to her and my daughter who also was a VERY needy baby ( as she had a heart problem and was born under 4lb s and always woke at least every 2 hours for something for at least 3 years - so I do not think I every had a full nights sleep for up to at least 3 years?
I know this does not help you - but it is just to say I really think I do understand what you may be going through. - as I am sure many of us do too?
.........................................
but I will say that I too considered fostering etc and as before I had my own birth daughter and had PNI I fostered myself a girl for some years so I knew how it can help and also fostered a lad later for a few months.
So if you need to explore this route this can help.
but I decided not to and I am actually glad I did not in the end - I think for me it was desperation speaking as I really felt I could not get through another day - or sleepless night - at the time .
But I did get through and my daughter is a now a healthy 18 year old ;D
But it was not easy.
I have to say that from what you say here the first step to take before you seek a fostering or care solution solution is to speak assertively to your partner and lay it on the line.And then look for solutions other than foster care or care first!!
While I have been a foster parent -twice - I so know that under the right circumstances it can be very helpful and necessary - I would urge you to first consider all other options first.
as fostering your child or putting your child in Social Services care en voluntarily can start a whole chain of events that can mean that it is very difficult to regain responsibility over your child's life or have a relationship with your own child that you would want.
..........as I said it can work out very well
but you really have to explore all other options first before you consider this .
I may be wrong but from what you write here it seems like you have not done the first necessary step before you consider foster or other care and laid it 'on the line' to your partner!!If he would be so opposed to fostering or care then I feel you have to first confront him
Lay the situation out
i.e that you are so desperate and he HAS to understand this and do more of the day to day - and night time - care.
What have you got to lose right now in being completely blunt and honest with him?If you are considering foster care how can this be more scary than being firm with your partner and telling it to him as it really is ?
You are desperate, you can not cope alone with the demands of a needy baby especially at night - he has to take some of this burden of of you.
If it does not work - and he does not contribute any more than he does now
- then at least you have tried.
Please lay it on the line with your partner before considering what can be a very problematic step of foster or other care for the baby I know you love and really want the best for.
If your partner is still not helpful you could consider contacting 'Home start' to have a volunteer come in to help you. I am a trained home start volunteer and they can really be helpful - see their site:
www.home-start.org.uk/ and do a search for your area.
Also you could consider getting contacting the Community Mental Health Team in your area and trying to get a CPN - Community psychiatric nurse - to come in once a week to help and advice - or a crisis team - If you tell me where you are I can let you know where you can contact your local CMHT or crisis team.
I do not know if you have done this already but if not this is the first step before considering fostering
Also I am not sure from what you say if you have your Health Visitor on board??
I am sorry if I am out of date and your health visitor knows you have PNI and how you are struggling right now and is visiting you regularly? But if you have not got your HV on board to assist you this is another step you can take before you consider to go down the care or fostering route.
I may be coming over too strong but I do speak from my own experience of in desperation considering a fostering option .
In fact I did ask and actually Social services would probably not even consider a fostering option until you have been down the HV, CMHT, CPN, Home Start, Sure Start options first .
Have you also tried the crisis help line - CRY-SIS HELPLINE on 08451 228 669
www.cry-sis.org.uk/Mama:
www.mama.org.uk/or parentline
www.parentlineplus.org.uk/who offer expert and professional parent counseling including how to cope with a needy baby on the telephone : TEXTPHONE 0800 783 6783
I am not saying you should not contact Social services ( who are the only body who could arrange the foster care you are considering) ifyou feel that is what you need to do right now .
As it could be that maybe it would be right for you to contact social services to get them on board and help you organize this support but I doubt they would agree to consider fostering until you have gone through all other avenues of support like the ones I have suggested above
I do understand your desperation - but you have to consider all other options before fostering etc as other options do exist
Please post back with your response to what I have said
Veritee XX