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Post by winegirl on Jan 11, 2008 20:55:42 GMT
Hi Flobob
Have a lovely evening babes and enjoy your chinese! Its lovely that your day has ended on a nice positive!
Take Care
WG x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 15, 2008 2:42:59 GMT
I feel bad again. Just sitting here crying.
LO was awake again in the night. Not for long. But now he's in my bed asleep and I can't relax when he's there because I'm scared I'll crush him. But I'm also scared of moving him back to his own bed in case I wake him.
When I brought him into my bed he asked for Daddy and that got me upset because of course OH is away again.
LO is now 22 months old which is nearly 2 years and I just can't believe I still feel so bad when it's so long. I should be better by now. I really feel that way. I feel like I'm a failure because I can't get better even after 2 years.
And I know in December I felt "I've coped for 21 months" but now that feeling has gone and I keep saying it to myself but it doesn't make me feel any better any more.
I'm not even able to work properly now. And that was something I could do before. And now I'm just not keeping on top of work and am letting people down and doing a bad job.
I don't know what to say. I want to stop feeling like this.
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 15, 2008 8:28:35 GMT
Hiya Flobob,
You are right you did really well over Xmas, and you are feeling crappy now, but it's the way hun. I've been like this for 18-19 months as well, and looking back I thought I would be recovered as well by now, but am not and I still have blips.
I think you are prolly due a period soon hun, wasn't it around this time last month that you were planning the trip to Dorset and thinking all those what ifs? (what if I jump in front of a train etc etc). I think that was just before your period if I remember rightly.
You are doing very well, belive me hun, suicide thoughts are just that, thoughts ~ nothing more, and they will pass, like all the blips you've had. Trouble is when we are having a blip we feel like we have gone back to the beginning again, it's always the way. You are going to be fine. Get your bubs off to your parents today and come back home and relax a bit, take the opportunity to catch up on some work or get yourself out to the shops. It will pass hun I promise you. I'll be around to chat today if you need support my lovely.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 15, 2008 10:59:22 GMT
Hello Scarlet
You're so right. I've just looked in my diary because I wrote it down in December and my period is due this week. You're so sensible and clever to remember that about my life when I can't remember it myself.
I'm going to the doctors this morning about this bad throat I have - can't seem to shift it and it is getting me down. Probably won't talk about my feelings there ... but I do have an appointment next week to see the psychiatrist.
I didn't sleep much last night. I am trying very hard today to be positive.
Sorry to worry you all. FloBob x
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 15, 2008 11:42:54 GMT
Hiya Flobob,
That's the reason you are feeling so crappy hun, I'm sure of it. I remember you talking about it just before your Xmas trip. You seem to be like me, affected by stress and PMT, which is the last stage before FULL recovery. Have you tried vitex agnus castus hun. I started taking it about a month ago and this month I didn't really get too many PMT symptoms and normally I have a bad time what with thoughts etc during this period.
Sorry to hear about your sore throat, let us know how you get on at the docs.
Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 15, 2008 14:05:19 GMT
I've got some anti-biotics from the doc for my bad throat. Fingers crossed my throat will be better soon. I'll be going into town tomorrow so I'll see if I can get some agnus castus. Thank you. And just knowing that PMT is causing this blip has helped me to think my way through it. I am still feeling numb. But I am trying to remind myself of positive stuff. And I'll write it down here because unless I write it down it isn't real. My OH had an important letter in the post this morning so I opened it and rang him with the news straight away. He answered his mobile and said "Are you OK? I'm in a meeting." Which was wonderful to hear - that he asked about me first before telling me he was in a meeting. So often I feel at the bottom of his list and this time he sounded genuinely concerned about me. So that is one positive. On my list of things to help me, I've now organised an ironing service - it just cost me £35 this week! That is about 3 months' worth of ironing - ha! Oh well, it won't be so bad after this. And I have today employed a cleaner and she's coming for the first time on Friday - hurray! A clean house soon I've had 2 Saturdays with time to myself. And I will try to organise some counselling or CBT for myself soon. I've also managed to do quite a bit of work today. Made a list and just working my way through it. And not beating myself up for not doing it all because there's always tomorrow! I'm shocked at myself for just how bad I felt last night and just how low I was. I'll get the agnus castus and fingers crossed future months will ease. Going to stop work now to have lunch and a relaxing bath before collecting LO from my parents. FloBob x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 15, 2008 15:05:03 GMT
Just wanted to write that I've phoned and booked private CBT starting on 9 Feb. I'll no doubt be over-stressed about that before it arrives but really want to get started on CBT with help from someone as I am losing my way trying to do it on my own. Big Stars for me today for trying so hard Although I think that is maybe what is difficult for me ... try so hard that I put more pressure on myself. Hopefully CBT will help with that spiral. As you can see I am completely up and down right now. And I'm sorry to have caused you any worry last night. FloBob
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 15, 2008 15:15:45 GMT
Hiya Flobob,
Glad you've booked the CBT. Feb 8th isn't too far away hun.
It's the way to be up and down again after a blip, until we get back on track again, so what you are experiencing is normal as sadly they don't go straight away (in my experience) and can take a few days depending on the severity of the blip.
Do try the agnus castus and see what you think, you can just take them in the days leading up to your period if you like, or take a low dose and increase it during PMT time. I think Holland & Barrat have it in drops hun.
Hope you get a bit of sleep tonight, please try and be comforted knowing that it's going to go ~ because it most certainly will..... "Bloody PNI and PMT, leave our Flobob alone".
Gotta go in a min as my eldest is itching to get on the computer for an hour.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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Post by monica on Jan 15, 2008 19:07:18 GMT
Hi
Glad you're back on track after the blip. They are awful and it can feel as if you're back to square on - you (as in all of us) can be so down on yourself. My confidence is the first thing to go and this is where the suicide thought probably came from. In time the blips will get fewer and less intense. youa re really doing so well - I can see the difference in you from when you started on here.
Forgot to add that being run down can also trigger blips, so maybe PMT and this has brought on a big one.
Enjly your chinese
love
Monica
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 16, 2008 7:58:06 GMT
How are you doing today Flobob? ? Let us know if you get the chance. Scarlet xxxxx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 17, 2008 6:10:12 GMT
Feeling a lot better - thank you. Kept me and LO very busy yesterday - trying to exhaust him actually but it didn't really pay off in the evening.
Strangely I've been awake since 3.45am - after going to bed at 10.30pm last night - and am feeling fine. Worried it's going to hit me later today when I won't be able to rest.
Couldn't get any internet connection yesterday so was a bit lost not being able to come here.
Cheers, FloBob
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Post by winegirl on Jan 17, 2008 20:11:49 GMT
Hi Flobob
Glad you are feeling better! if I were you I would get a hot bath and an early night tonight hun before the tiredness grabs you. x
Take Care
WG x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Jan 17, 2008 21:21:53 GMT
Hello Well tiredness hasn't hit me yet. Very strange! But I've always needed little sleep so maybe this is me getting back to normal - thinking positive. My LO seems to be the same. I tried an experiment last night ... couldn't be hassled with all the fighting and screaming from LO at bedtime so thought I'd let him stay up with me until he was really sleepy and then carry him up to his bed. At 9pm he was still wide awake. And I wanted to have my dinner - I'd cooked a stew (rare thing to have time or energy to cook these days) and it smelt fantastic. So I thought it was getting too late and he'd have to go to bed regardless. A lot of upset later - it took him until 10pm to get to sleep! Then he was up this morning at 7.15am. But the good thing was that he did sleep all night without waking or getting up once. So on just 9 hours sleep, he was lovely all day - didn't cry once - and didn't have an afternoon sleep. He went to sleep tonight at 7.45pm after just 15 minutes of complaining about it Not sure where that leaves me on the experiment though ... let him stay up every other night to be so exhausted that he sleeps early the next night? Yeah that sounds like a good plan - not! I want my own time in the evenings! I did eat my stew at 10pm last night and it was delicious. Had the leftovers for lunch today with bread in the gravy! Me and LO went to a mum&baby group this morning. It's run by the NCT and as I've mentioned I've volunteered to help with them. So this morning we went early to set the hall up. I go there but honestly can't say I enjoy it. Just 3 other mums talked to me - and that is a rarity - normally there is only one other mum who talks to me. None of the other volunteers talk to me. I went up to one woman today who has also volunteered to set up the hall, and just said Hi because I thought we'd bound to see each other at some point. She looked at me as if I was completely stupid. I was only trying to be friendly. Anyway we're both on the rota to set up in a fortnight so I'll see then. When I went to the doctor on Tuesday for my bad throat he said to me "I thought you'd moved?" So I said yes, but I hadn't registered for a new doctor because every time I thought about doing it I suffered a setback with depression and couldn't face the upheaval and loss of support I was getting. He didn't really reply. Then on Tuesday night LO was sick in bed and so I rang the doctors on Wed am to get an appt for him and the receptionist said to me "there's a note on the system that you should register for a doctor where you've moved to". I got all shirty about it and said "Are you refusing me an appointment?" She of course said no, just telling me. But it really upset me that the doctor had put that on the computer because he'd told me in Oct that I could stay with that practice for a couple of months. And on Tuesday he said it wasn't practical to have my doctors 6 miles from home as no-one would be able to come out to me if I needed a home visit. Well seeing as they don't do out-of-hours visits anyway, and if you're ill in the night you have to drive to the hospital in the county town (was 10 miles from us, now 16 miles) it makes no difference where the doctor is. I told him that. We've had to drive to the hospital to see a doctor in the middle of the night 3 or 4 times with LO. Thankfully that was last Spring and hasn't happened since. And also thankfully that was on nights OH was home because that would be awful on my own. But maybe it was when OH was home because I was incapable of making a decision about LO. One night he had a rash and I ignored it because I didn't want to make a decision about whether to go to the doctor or not. I did do the meningitis test with the glass first before ignoring it. The doctor should have told me himself that it was time for me to change and not be such a coward as to put it on the system and have the receptionist tell me. But it was upsetting because he was the doctor who had first listened to me and referred me for psych help, and hadn't pushed me too much to have meds, and is lovely to LO when I take him. I am scared to try to start again with a new doctor. But now I'm going to have to do it, aren't I? Going to do something positive now - we've a weekend away in March so I'm going to look on the internet for a child-friendly place in maybe the Cotswolds or a bit further West. Any ideas anyone? Night-night x FloBob
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 18, 2008 15:44:06 GMT
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Post by winegirl on Jan 18, 2008 15:46:00 GMT
Just checked that out myself - really good link!
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