Thanks Scarlet and Winegirl
I've decided to write honestly about the birth of my little boy in the hope that it will make me feel better about what is coming. I don't think I've written about this before. I'm kind of feeling OK at the moment so will hopefully be able to write without crying. I've had a very good day - OH looked after LO all day. Normally if he is meant to be looking after LO then somehow I am involved too and still don't get any peace. But today I was mostly left alone. I did lots of house-chores in the morning and then some yoga in the afternoon and then a 2-hour sleep. And in the evening we cooked dinner together - that hasn't happened for so long - because we don't co-operate with each other any more.
Birth of my son: On evening of Sunday 5 March 2006, OH went off to his contract work in Birmingham as usual. So I decided to work that evening - self-employed so always lots to do. Even though I had "officially" stopped work at end Feb. I worked until 2am and then went to bed. I generally read for a bit when I go to bed which makes me fall asleep. But with OH away I fall asleep with the light on - that happened that night. I was woken at 4.20am by a wetness between my legs and thought I was wetting the bed so immediately got up to go the the loo. Luckily with the light on I saw it was blood. I say luckily because I wouldn't have turned the light on otherwise and may not have realised as quickly. I was majorly scared. Ran to the toilet and ran about looking for maternity pads. Then I called the midwives. I believed they would make it alright and would just tell me to come in to the clinic. I think the scariest thing was when the MW told me to call an ambulance straight away. I think my mind was trying to make me believe it wasn't anything to worry about. I called an ambulance then called my friend who had offered to be my birth partner if OH was away. My friend lived 6 miles away and OH was over 200 miles away. I didn't call him because there was nothing he could do apart from panic and I didn't want him driving down the motorway at stupid speeds and killing himself. I don't know if that sounds selfish - not letting him know straight away - but I thought I was protecting him because I knew he wouldn't drive safely and I wanted to tell him when there was positive news: "this has happened but it is OK now". I lost control when talking to my friend's partner on the phone. But apart from that I was very detached from what was going on. The ambulance came and took me to the hospital with my friend following behind in her car - but she got left behind and took a while to turn up at the hospital.
I was taken to a delivery suite and really can't remember much of the next few hours. They definitely scanned me to see where the blood was coming from. And definitely put a monitor on me to hear the baby - hearing the baby's heartbeat was ... there isn't a word to describe the flood of relief that went through my body. I think I had vaginal examinations too. OH turned up around 8am and after a bit my friend went home. Again I have no idea what happened for the rest of the day. Was taken down to the sonographer department at some point for another scan. But again they couldn't find where the blood had come from. And it was a lot of blood - so there should have been a big gap! I also did stop bleeding at some point in the morning. I was taken for the second scan by wheelchair and was taken almost straight in (just had to wait for someone to finish) and my over-riding emotion at that point was guilt that I was queue-jumping in front of lots of other women and that they would all hate me.
My OH rang and told my parents - he didn't even tell me he was going to, which is probably normal - but I didn't want them to know. They came rushing over to the hospital. And I didn't want them there. I've no idea why not. I think I was ashamed of being there - of needing people to worry about me. I had ante-natal depression so I think there were a lot of wrong thoughts going on.
At some point the doctors decided to induce me. Again I cannot remember this. I cannot remember discussing it or taking the decision, but I feel that it was discussed and not just done to me. I think I was just going along with whatever was told to me as I had no idea what else to do.
I know I was very scared. OH stayed with me all day and he was scared too. He even stayed that night and slept on the floor in the delivery room - although I did try to persuade him to go home to a proper bed.
After the pessary I did have some contractions but after a few hours they stopped. In all over Monday & Tuesday they gave me 4 pessaries to induce me. Apparently they would normally only try 2, so no idea why they kept going with me.
My over-riding feeling during this time was boredom. I hated just having to sit in the hospital bed. They did come and monitor me every hour and that was reassuring but I was just plain bored. Which I've never told anyone and I feel so GUILTY that I was bored instead of worried/scared for my baby.
On the Sunday night whilst I was working I had posted on a forum asking for someone to take on some extra work. And I even asked my OH when he went home on the Tuesday to check my emails for responses and write to a particular lady to tell her that I was in hospital and couldn't respond and could she just post on the forum to say this but very vaguely with no details of what was really happening. Again I feel so guilty for thinking of work at a time like this. And because of this guilt I have never been able to admit it to anyone.
I was also ashamed of being there. And that doesn't make sense at all. I didn't want anyone to know. Part of that was because I couldn't bear their sympathy. And couldn't bear people knowing when I didn't know how things really were. One of my very close friends has told me since how worried she was because she tried to contact me and couldn't get a reply for a few days. I've known her since I was 13 years old and I didn't even call her when this happened. I know now that I stopped talking to people when I had ante-natal depression and cut myself off.
On Tuesday evening the doctors said that they would break my waters on Wed morning "no matter what" to start labour.
Somehow over the 2 days in hospital I had lots of vaginal examinations. I know now that I can refuse them and will this time. I hated them. So invasive and God knows how you're supposed to relax which is what they tell you to do. It was especially bad when my OH was there with me. It felt so disloyal to him, like I was wanting another man to put his hand up my vagina.
I'm not managing to get through this without crying. It is remembering my emotions that is making me cry. I need to get to the end of this story and a happy bit so that I don't carry this with me all day today. I'm seeing my friend (that I just mentioned) today and want a happy day.
My OH was insistent that he would stay with me again on Tuesday night. But with being told that my waters would be broken on Wed, I wanted him to go home and sleep properly in our bed so that he was properly rested and would be able to support me during labour on Wed. I had just managed to persuade him to go home at 10pm, when a nurse came to tell me that they would be moving me upstairs to the post-natal ward as they needed the delivery room. I asked when and she said as soon as a bed was ready. In hindsight I don't think they "needed" the delivery room at all because I wasn't moved for another 2 hours. If anyone had come in in labour and was kept waiting for 2 hours well ... that just sounds crap. So in that time I didn't go to sleep because I thought there was no point if they were going to move me and so I stayed awake.
They finally came to get me at midnight. I was furious and was so rude to the nurse that took me upstairs. She said "get a good night's sleep now" and I just snapped at her that it was unlikely as it was already midnight. I was just so conscious of needing a proper night's sleep and rest if I was to go into labour the next day, and knowing how difficult I find sleep anyway I knew that wasn't going to happen. They put me on the post-natal ward at the end without a call-button and no-one came to monitor me all night. When I was in the delivery room I was being monitored every hour and I had asked if this would continue if I was moved and they had said yes. So I spent the night crying for fear of whether my baby was still OK. And being on the post-natal ward was awful - babies crying all night and I hated all those women for having their babies with them and knowing they were alright when I didn't know. And afterwards I felt so guilty for all that hatred.
I was awake very early on Wednesday and just wanted to run away. So I left the ward but didn't know where to go. I just wandered the corridors and ended up in the waiting room on the ground floor. I just sat there for ages crying and then rang my friend (the one who'd come to the hospital with me) to ask her to come to get me. But she didn't answer her phone at that God-awful hour. And so I had to stay and calm myself down on my own. I have no idea how I did it, but I did and went back up to the ward and hid behind the curtains round my bed.
Someone came to tell me that I could go to the day-room for breakfast. But I couldn't. I couldn't face walking past all those babies and seeing babies with their mums having breakfast. I think I cried again and she went to get a MW. I was so angry and really scared because I hadn't been monitored for 7 hours by this point. And I just told the MW this. She got a monitoring unit and some toast for me then. And said they hadn't been told to monitor me. If I had had a call-button by my bed I would have called someone in the night but because of my ante-natal depression I couldn't get up and ask - I had a lot of not asking people things because I always felt that I wasn't worth bothering with - that no-one would care so I didn't even ask.
OH came back probably around 8am or maybe a bit later. I had yet another vaginal examination and was told that I wasn't dilated enough to have my waters broken. Then I guess a while later the doctors suggested a caesarean. They tried to pretend that it was my choice. But both me and OH felt there was no choice. The doctors were saying if I didn't have a caesarean then I could go home and if I went home and had another bleed then God-knows what would happen.
Ever since I can remember I have been scared of giving birth. And yet I had never told anyone this. So when the choice was taken away I felt relief that I could cop-out of having to go through labour and birth. And since then I have felt so much guilt at being relieved about this.
All day I waited for a caesarean. The whole bl**dy day without anything to eat. And kept being told that I would be going down to surgery as soon as ... but then kept being told that there were emergencies. Finally I was taken down to theatre at 7pm-ish. My lovely son was born at 7.37pm. The whole thing was very scary and very surreal. The anaesthetist was the most wonderful person there, very reassuring, he somehow got me to relax enough that he could put the spinal block in. He was by my head and when he went to move away I begged him to stay and I think the fear in my eyes kept him there. But when I heard a baby cry I didn't realise it was a baby. On the second cry I knew it was a baby and yet couldn't believe it was my baby. It had actually happened so quickly.
I didn't see my baby until after he was cleaned up. And now I hate that. He was all wrapped up by the time I saw him. And at the time I just felt so much overwhelming love it didn't matter. But since I have just felt cheated and wrong. Like I did something wrong. No-one even took a photo of him like that. So I don't know what a new-born baby looks like and that feels stupid. But the first picture is of him with me and that is special.
That is obviously the end of the story of his birth. That end does give me such a glow and I have stopped crying now.
But finally being truthful about my real feelings ...
My husband says how traumatic LO's birth was, but my feelings at the time and even now aren't of trauma, but of guilt at the shame and boredom and relief I felt. And even while OH is saying how traumatic the birth was I feel guilty that other women go through so much worse, so much pain. But I can't tell him to stop saying it. I think in a lot of ways it was worse for him worrying about me and the baby. And yet more guilt - I'm only just realising that now.
I need to let go of that guilt. Maybe having written it all down honestly will help me. I'll see how it goes.
I can't believe sometimes how much I write. It must just read like waffle. But that is why I write in the diary, just to get it out and hopefully not bother anyone.
I'm not sure now whether to go back to bed and try to get some sleep or just get up. I got up in the first place because I couldn't sleep but have a long day today so probably ought to try to sleep now.
Only reason LO was with OH yesterday was that OH is out all day today! Not because OH decided to give me a day off for my own well-being. But because I said if he's out all day Saturday he should have LO on Friday. Ah well.
I will go back to bed, good night x