clarey
Senior Member
Posts: 327
|
Post by clarey on Jan 18, 2008 15:51:25 GMT
Hi Flobob,
Sorry I haven't been around much lately, just catching up with you really. I tried Agnus castus before I got pg and I noticed it had a positive effect after just the first month. I think I put a post about it in the meds and alternatives. I loved reading you post about the stew you made for some reason I can't explain. As I feel so bad at the moment it sounded such a lovely thing to do for yourself and reminded me of happier times when I was recovering and my mum had made some and it was one of the first things I ate and actually enjoyed.
I like your experiment. I don't let (not that he wants to) my son sleep in the day as he won't go to bed at night. If he even has a nanosecond it can be 10 or later before he sleeps.
You sound like you have lots of things on that you are getting yourself involved in, good for you. Also allowing yourself me time is brilliant. I admire you.
All the best, Clareyx
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Jan 21, 2008 21:15:47 GMT
Hello Monica I meant to say to you last week - thanks for this: - that's nice to hear. Although I still think that I sound weird, so maybe I was just really weird to start with! Thank you Scarlet for that link. I've bookmarked it but haven't looked at it yet ... will sort out my weekend away soon. Hello Clarey - lovely to hear from you. You're sounding very positive, even though you said you feel bad. Come round for stew with me sometime Seriously, though, if you do want to talk about how you're feeling now do get in touch - I've been there whilst pregnant. Actually I did buy some agnus castus (keep wanting to call it astus castus!) and it said on it - "don't take when pregnant" - which made me think of you. I haven't taken it yet - think I'll take it just before my next period is due as Scarlet suggested because that is when the bad times hit me. I was feeling very odd tonight but coming on here and reading other people's posts and writing replies to you all here has calmed me down. LO is being so difficult at bedtimes now. We came upstairs at 7pm-ish and he has just fallen asleep at 8.45pm. That's too long! I was getting very angry with him and hate myself for that. One thing he is doing is telling me "poo" so that he can get out of bed. Then he sits on his potty for moments. Then runs to the cupboard to get out a new nappy - even though the one he has just taken off is still dry. So he doesn't want to do a poo or wee at all he is just mucking about so that he doesn't have to lie in bed. I'm really shocked by that because I saw a TV programme a couple of years ago (I think it was that guy with the wild hair who does 7-UP programmes, so a respected child expert) and the programme said that children aren't capable of lying until they're, and I can't remember the exact age, but something like 4 years old. So is my LO lying to me? Or is he just saying something because he knows that I'll let him out of bed? Is there a difference even? All of his messing about and misbehaving just makes me angry and upset and I feel when I'm with him that I just want to run away. But during the day he's a little angel and doesn't cry or have tantrums at all - course saying that he'll change now!!! So I take it back ;D I also feel that I'm causing him to behave like this, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. He walked miles today in an effort to wear him out so that he'd go to bed nicely. Ha - didn't work! What am I going to do? Is it possible for a baby to give themselves a heart attack? LO was so wound up on Friday night when OH went to him when he woke in the middle of the night. LO wanted me. Actually, I remember now, it wasn't the middle of the night quite. It was 11.35pm - OH was downstairs and I was in bed. We both got to LO at the same time so I just turned round and went back to bed because I'd already told OH he had to deal with LO that night. That drove LO mad. He was screaming and crying and was inconsolable with OH. OH just opened our bedroom door to show LO where I was which sometimes pacifies him. But not that night. So I held out my arms and he came into bed with me. He was immediately quiet. But his heart was racing so fast. So that's why I'm worried about a heart attack. Is that stupid? Then OH came to bed and just went to sleep. And I was bl***** annoyed with him for that. With me and LO lying awake in the bed. I just can't fall asleep if LO is awake because I'm worried he'll get out of bed and run round the house and hurt himself. And as I'd already told OH to deal with LO that night he should have stayed awake to make sure LO was safe - not me. LO fell asleep around 2pm-ish. I finally got to sleep around 4am. And woke at 7.15am. Got up because I had to go out. On Saturday I worked. I attended a meeting for one of the companies I work for. It was about 90 mins drive from home. I had been there before in November so knew the way. But I was so tired that I got lost on the way there. And then I got lost again on the way back. And I never get lost driving! And that just made me feel so bad and realise how bad I was and how tired I was. But I had to carry on during the meeting. I got home on Saturday around 3pm and was so tired that I could have just fallen in to bed. But LO and OH are so demanding on me that I stayed with them. They make me feel so guilty if I'm not spending time with them. On Saturday night I did run away. My parents were away for the weekend so I went to their house to sleep. It was bliss. I got there at 8pm and had a bath with candles round and listening to the Chill radio station. Then went to bed at 8.50pm - still listening to Chill. I slept until 6.30am. Hurray! I did wake at 6.30am but read for an hour then went back to sleep. And slept until 10.25am. Fantastic. Of course OH wasn't particularly pleased about all this. When I said that I wanted to sleep at my parents on Saturday night he said "If that is what you want to do". And then when I came home on Sunday he was like "Good morning!" sarcastically as if I'm not allowed to sleep late!!!! But apart from that it was OK. OH is going ski-ing on 1 Feb for 5 days. I haven't thought about it because it just upsets me too much. But on Sunday night I kind of had to think about it and apart from the fact that he is leaving me alone for a weekend when he's already away all week which I find really hard to accept he's doing. How could he? In my paranoid times I really feel that this just says how little he cares for me, how little he loves me. Now I'm thinking rationally I can remember my CBT book saying something about assuming other people's actions are a reflection on yourself ... obviously that's what I'm doing here. Anyway apart from all those things. I am also very scared that he will have an horrendous accident and won't come back - or will come back with broken limbs and I'll have to look after him. Which I just don't want to bl***** do. Which is wrong, isn't it? I should care more and not just think of the inconvenience to myself. I wish I were tired as I will probably be up in the night with LO and should sleep now. But I'm not tired and going to bed when I'm not tired just has me lying awake and tossing and turning. Perhaps I should do some work? Just not in the mood for it. But I will stop waffling. Goodnight x FloBob
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jan 22, 2008 9:26:08 GMT
Hi Flobob, Glad you bought some agnus castus, give it a try and see if it works for you. I think it was Clarey that originally mentioned it on here. I just take it around PMT time, but haven't been taking it long so will have to wait and see if it works next month. I know what you mean about difficult kids. The sleep routine in our house has gone to pot, and my LO didn't actually sleep until 11pm last night. My eldest used to use the potty excuse when he didn't want to sleep as well. Did you get a night-light hun, or are you still leaving the landing light on for him. lol I'm not sure it's classed as lying at this age, but is sure is manipulation and they are very good at it...it's the beginnings of fibbing though, and your LO sounds on the ball to me. I don't think your LO would have a heart attack, but he wants you that's obvious and not his Dad. My eldest never wants to be comforted by his Dad either, because he was always working, and to this day he still doesn't have a great bond with him. He's there a lot more for our LO though and is making up for lost time I think. You are the same as me in that you don't feel comfortable with the thought that your LO is still awake and could get up. I don't sleep straight away either, whereas my hubby is off snoring within a min of his head touching the pillow. It annoys the hell out of me (and the snoring does) Sounds like you had a good time at your parents, wish I had a retreat myself Yep...I would feel exactly the same as you if my hubby were to go on a skiing trip having been away all week, it's understandable to be resentful, even without PNI, although without PNI, there's a lot less 'what ifs' It'll soon be over Flobob. Hope you managed to sleep last night, speak to you soon. Love Scarlet X
|
|
|
Post by monica on Jan 23, 2008 21:21:21 GMT
Hi
Our little ones are master psychologists. They know exactly which methods to use to get our attention and that's what your little one was doing. I'm sure he won't give himself a heart attack, just got himself really worked up. Iknow what you mean though,, I used to think my kids would have a stroke they'd get so worked up with screaming, crying etc.
Don' tbe hard on yourself about your feelings towards oh's weekend away skiing. You have been through so much and he's been away alot of the time. Weekend's time for you to take a breather,, have oh around and he's going away. He probably doesn't/didn't realise what it would mean to you him going away. It's quite normal to feel upset and resentful. Do you have any plans for that weekend? Maybe try and treat yourself to something nice eg. go someplace nice, go out for lunch etc.
Good luck with Agnus cactus. I'll be interested to know how it works.
Take care
Monica
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Jan 23, 2008 22:54:03 GMT
Hi Scarlet and Monica Thank you for your sensible and reassuring words. Oh dear, Scarlet, 11pm. I don't think I'd have any hair left by that time! Nope, haven't bought a night light, still leaving the landing light on. It doesn't seem to be having any effect now. Yep, my LO is on the ball - too much sometimes I can't get much past him. I'm kind of pleased to know it isn't lying as such and is just manipulation. I was worrying that I'd already taught him to lie because I do say things like "no, there aren't any more biscuits" or whatever because that is easier than saying "no you can't have any more". I'm sure everyone does that. But I thought I'd taught him how to lie. Oh dear. LO is fine with Daddy most of the time. I was talking to a friend about this tonight. We decided that LO is so decisive and definite about what he wants that is what it is about. Happy with Daddy but if he decides he wants Mummy then that is FINAL! And everyone better jump to it! Oh heck being bossed about by a 1-year-old! I'm feeling so much better again today. Had a bit of a half-cry this morning because I dropped LO at nursery and he was a bit clingy (most unlike him but follows on from always wanting Mummy!). And I was off to a meeting an hour away. I always feel terrible for him when I am so far away, just in case something were to happen. On normal days I'm just 6 miles down the road, and before we moved I was just half a mile away. So being so far away makes me a bit anxious. But I put a CD on in the car and sang my way (very badly) to the meeting and felt better for it. I haven't made any plans for the weekend OH is away. I'm still in denial about it. I've only told my parents and one other friend that he'll be away. I was talking to a very good friend tonight and I didn't even tell her. I am kind of ashamed to tell people because I think that they'll think I must be awful and horrible because he never wants to be at home with me, and that he doesn't love me. And I'm ashamed for people to think that I'm in a marriage with someone who doesn't love me. I think if I make plans to see people that I'll just be in the way - they want their weekends with their own families. And also when I then come home to be alone with LO again I feel even lonelier. We went to a pub for lunch on Sunday and it had some signs written on the wall - very apt I thought "Loneliness is not solved by people" and "Happiness is not just an absence of unhappiness". A bit profound for a pub! I think I mentioned a while back an incident when I'd thought my Dad had been unsympathetic and non-understanding whilst I was pregnant. I just thought this week that maybe he didn't know I had ante-natal depression. I only told my Mum and had just assumed that she'd told him - she normally tells him everything naturally. I had asked her not to tell my Nan so maybe she didn't tell my Dad too. That has made me feel better about it. I had an appt with the psychiatrist today. Whilst waiting to go in a woman came in to the waiting room and just burst in to tears and said she couldn't cope any more. It was awful to see someone like that - I so felt for her. The receptionist came out and no doubt she has to deal with people like this a lot. She did speak to her but didn't go up to her. I hate that about healthcare staff - they don't seem to have the "compassion" gene sometimes. The number of times I've sat crying and they've just waited for me to stop rather than trying to comfort me. I suppose it is the right way to do things but sometimes just being human is right. I heard the woman saying she was waiting for the same psychiatrist as me. Anyway when the receptionist went away the woman looked at me across the room - we were the only two in there. Because she'd looked at me I got up and went over to her and gave her a hanky and rubbed her arm and wished so much that I could help. I was feeling fine and wanted to say "you take my appointment" but knew if I did that I'd regret it later. Oh the poor woman. I did say I'm waiting for Dr X too, are you here for PND? She said no. Didn't ask her any more because I didn't want to make things worse for her. Our doc came out then and I went in to the room and he spoke to her privately. I hope she was feeling better after that because when I came out she'd gone. But on the way home I felt better that I'd spoken to her and tried because I want to return to being a nice person and not be as selfish as I have become through this PNI. I mean selfish because now I only allow myself to have emotions and barely remember to ask friends about themselves and especially don't allow OH to be tired when he comes home at the weekends. I think that I have to keep going all week no matter how tired I am so he has to do the same at the weekends. And I do feel bad sometimes for behaving so unreasonably and selfishly. My appointment went well. I told my psychiatrist that I'd had to phone the Samaritans last week although I didn't describe my feelings or why properly because when the feelings have passed I can't remember them properly and it all becomes hazy and also I'm ashamed to say things like that because they are such bad things to think or do. He told me to think of that as a positive because I knew I was in a low place and had sought help which proves I'm now more aware of things and how to help myself. He also praised me for feeling better and being able to rationalise things. I know I've been feeling better but having him telling me that I'm doing well and praising me just gives me a little boost. I kind of need that praise a lot but don't get it from anyone. Also I told him that I was going to have CBT privately. He agreed with me that the PC programme was a poor solution but that it was the best the NHS could offer due to limited resources and money - same old story! I almost got on my soapbox at that point but climbed down again. But I've told him that I want to stay on the waiting list for NHS CBT anyway in case the private sessions don't work out. And he said that was fine. I was a bit scared they'd take me off the list if they found out I could afford treatment privately. Although it isn't supposed to work like that. It's late again, so I'm going to stop now and go to bed. Thanks for listening. FloBob x
|
|
|
Post by monica on Jan 24, 2008 22:38:10 GMT
Hi
What a lovely thing you did, going up to that lady inteh waiting room! I'm sure it helped alot. Many people would have just sat there and pretended nothing was happening.
Glad the psych's appt went well. Obviously he can see the improvement in you too. Blips are part fo the recovery process from PNI (as horrible and unwelcome as they are) and I'm sure things will continue to improve. How has today been for you?
monica
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Jan 26, 2008 3:47:41 GMT
Hi Monica Well I don't know if I helped that lady. I just hope I didn't make her feel worse. I did so feel for her though and know how awful it is to feel like that and think no-one cares.
Had a bit of a low point yesterday. Rang my friend to ask a favour but she was out. Went in the garden to play with my LO instead and the sunshine and his giggles helped.
Can't sleep again!
OH got home very early yesterday - around 5.30pm. So that was nice.
FloBob x
|
|
|
Post by monica on Jan 26, 2008 16:50:11 GMT
hi
I also find that getting out the house and a bit of fresh air can perk me up sometimes.
Did you manage to get to sleep ok? How has today been?
Monica
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jan 28, 2008 8:02:59 GMT
How you doing today Flobob, I hope you are feeling a bit better. It's possible you are feeling as you are because it's your hubbys trip this week? It'll soon be over Flo and you'll be back on track ~ no worries about that hun. Mine is going away soon as well, and I'm trying not to think about it.
Do you have some plans for the week, try and get yourself out and about and distracted as much as you can.
Scarlet xxxx
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Jan 28, 2008 21:28:51 GMT
Hello Ladies I've some good news today ... I'm pregnant! Probably shouldn't say yet because it is very early days. But I need to tell someone.
Unfortunately the bad news is OH's reaction. On Friday night I told him that I thought I might be pregnant. Albeit I did tell him in the middle of the night because I was too scared (?) to tell him in the evening. He strangely said "What makes you think that?" Like what? What does he thinks makes me think that? So on Saturday morning, very very early because I couldn't sleep again, I got up and took the pregnancy test. Hurray it was positive. Then when OH woke up on Saturday morning he didn't even ask if I'd done the test or anything. So eventually I prompted him and told him I was pregnant. He didn't even pretend to be excited - stupid man! He should pretend to help me with my feelings. I HATE HIM.
Later in the day I said we should talk about this and asked him how he felt. He said he felt he wasn't sure that he could love another child as he loves our little boy so much. That's fine and quite natural. But then he didn't think before we had LO that he could love a child at all so he's been proved wrong there. I did say that to him as kindly as I could.
He didn't say anything else at all. So his reaction to this news is just about how it will affect him. Nothing to do with me or any worries about me. He is so selfish.
We didn't even talk about when we would start telling people. So I'm a bit reluctant to tell anyone as last time we went to tell my parents together and I want us to do that again because it is as important as with my first pregnancy. (I know what it is like to feel unimportant because of being a second child.) But if we tell my parents together he won't even try to look excited or happy and then I'll hate him again for that.
Anyway I am really pleased to be pregnant again because I so want to have 2 children and for them to be close in age so that they grow up together. But I feel a bit flat because of OH's reaction.
He does this to me time after time. I don't know why I expect more. But I do - I expect him to consider my feelings as much as I consider his, and then I am constantly disappointed.
I haven't been reading my CBT book for so long - since end November. But think I need to start again because I need tools to get me through this.
Maybe this time I won't get depressed? Last time I had so many thoughts about being a bad Mum before I had even started. This time I know that I am capable of being a good Mum.
Good night x FloBob
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jan 28, 2008 21:53:53 GMT
Wow!!!! Flobob, a happy wow btw...back in the morn to say a bit more.
Hope you sleep well hun
Love Scarlet xxxxxx
|
|
|
Post by Jay on Jan 29, 2008 4:53:51 GMT
Hi FloBob Well done you! I am pleased for you, even if your OH isn't at the moment. I think it is a man thing When he has thought about things [it takes them a while] he might seem different. He's probably switched off a bit, and has gone into not listening properly mode. I think you are brave and strong as well. I always wanted two babies, but could not face it again after not being well. I wish you loads of luck and best wishes. I do wish you could sleep more, you could certainly do with a bit more rest now, and you must look after yourself. You are important and a special person. I hope that OH gets his act together so that you feel better about things. I send my love Jay xx
|
|
|
Post by Scarlet on Jan 29, 2008 8:10:21 GMT
Congratulations Flobob Sorry about your hubbys reaction hun, my OH was exactly the same. With our first he actually said "I'm pleased for you" I still remember it to this day, and it hurts. I think like Jay said, some men are like this, they are like damp squids, and they don't actually realise that they are hurting our feelings. I think it's prolly gonna take a bit of time to sink in for both you and your hubby, but it's fab news Flobob, and you are already doing fine with your son, another will slot in easy. I have two and there's a big age gap, and I wish I'd done things differently and had them closer together, but I am glad I have two now. I haven't been reading my CBT book for so long - since end November. But think I need to start again because I need tools to get me through this.Get yourself a support network, speak to your doc and of course get your books out, and we will help you along too Hugs Scarlet xxxx
|
|
|
Post by winegirl on Jan 29, 2008 8:43:42 GMT
Hi Flobob
Firstly - CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
My OH and I had been trying for a baby for 2 years, but I had PCOS and it was nearly impossible to conceive, we were having treatment for it. When it finally happened I told my OH and he freaked out! I was soooo gutted.
But a few days later he apologise for how he had reacted and turned out to be the most excited father to be ever!
Its wierd how men can react to these things, and they can sometimes not be very sensitive, but I am sure your OH will be great when he has got his head round it.
Anyway, best of luck with your pregnancy and please keep us informed with how it is going!!!
Love
Wg x
|
|
flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
|
Post by flobob on Jan 29, 2008 9:47:20 GMT
Cheers ladies. I do feel extremely pathetic, sad and lonely because I don't have anyone to tell except you on here because of OH being so bloody miserable about the whole thing ... I just can't face telling people and then them asking if OH is pleased and then I'd have to lie - which I'm crap at - and they'd know.
Sounds as if other men have been crap at this too. I always try so hard not to hurt other people's feelings. Why can't people just do the same for me?
I have tons of work to do today. But just don't want to do any. But I will.
FloBob x
|
|