Post by flobob on Oct 12, 2007 4:44:51 GMT
Well I thought I'd start writing a diary here because I need to offload my thoughts and feelings. I was keeping a private diary on my computer but I have forgotten my password. So I can't read that now, which is a shame because I think it would help me. Instead I thought I'd write here about stuff from when this all began and stuff about what is happening now.
I had ante-natal depression first. I did keep a diary when I was pregnant. I naively thought that I'd like to look back on my time whilst pregnant and maybe share those times with our child when he/she was older. I've just looked at that now and I started it on 27 July 2005 and in that very first entry I say how useless I am. That has just hit me. I didn't know that it had started so early. I had thought it had started just before the 12-week scan because I could remember an incident. 27 July was probably 8 weeks in.
I was also worried before the scan that I had imagined the whole pregnancy. As soon as I told people that I was pregnant - just family at that stage - I stopped having morning sickness and I wrote in my diary that maybe I'd imagined the morning sickness.
The night before the 12-week scan a friend rang me to wish me luck - obviously I had told some friends then! I couldn't face talking to her so I laid on the sofa and pretended to be asleep. My OH got annoyed with me because he'd had to lie to our friend. So I ran away and cried on my own in the office. Then wrote a note to him and pushed it under the living room door.
This is not normal behaviour.
I also remember crying a lot. And I'd read in pregnancy books that the first 3 months was bad but then in the next 3 months pregnant women "blossom". Well I didn't and was so upset and angry that I didn't feel any better or any less tired.
I love reading and read a lot. But everything would make me cry. I tried only to read happy or funny books. And I remember getting so angry at a book if it said on the cover that it was funny and then it wasn't. Or even worse had a sad ending. One book I read was about a middle-aged woman living with her mother and the funny side of that and then right at the end with no warning at all she was pregnant (well obviously she'd had a fling) and then miscarried. Just what I didn't want to read. And the book said on the cover that it was funny and had no mention of anything like that and I was so angry with it. Even now this is making me cry.
At the end of Sept 2005 I went away with a friend and 2 of her other friends to celebrate her birthday. I wasn't drinking of course but it had been planned before I got pregnant so I didn't want to let my friend down.
I spent a lot of time being angry that weekend - stupid people at Butlins (mostly men!) would speak to me and I'd end up arguing with them or shouting at them. I never argue with complete strangers, I barely argue with my friends. Save all that for my husband!
And a lot of the time that weekend crying. Oh, I've just remembered what I was crying about. When I got my small suitcase out to pack for the weekend the day before going I found in it a receipt from a lingerie shop for 2 pairs of tights. The receipt was from a shop up north somewhere I had never been. My husband was the last person to use the case when he had been working in that town. Explain that! Obviously I assumed that he'd been with another woman who had left her receipt in his case so that I'd find out and we'd split up. The only saving grace on this was that she'd bought tights - how sexy! Not! Or maybe he'd bought tights for her. Or maybe he was a transvetite. So lots of paranoia.
Anyway when I wasn't crying or shouting at strangers, we all had a fantastic time laughing. Honestly I did. My friend knew there was something not quite right with me but I didn't want to spoil the weekend for her so kept my worries about OH to myself.
Another good thing, along with the laughter, that weekend was that I got chatted up twice. 16 weeks pregnant, not showing yet, boobs looking fab - it was a huge ego and confidence boost. The second guy wasn't even just chatting me up because his mates were talking to my mates. We both happened to be alone in a club at the same time in the same place for about 1 minute and got talking and then caught up with each other later. Nothing happened, and I didn't want it to, but it did me good to think that I was good enough to talk to. Something to smile about ;D
After the weekend I told my friend about the receipt. She did rationalise it for me. It was only a receipt after all and could easily have got caught up with his own receipt for socks! Well, I decided that I either needed to speak to OH about this or forget about it. I didn't want to speak to OH because if he did say that he had (or was having) an affair then I would hate him and would have to leave him. But deep down I knew that I loved him and would want to stay with him. So I didn't want him to know that I would be so wet and pathetic and a doormat as to be cheated on and then let him stay. So I just threw the receipt away and forgot about it - until just now really when I thought about that weekend away.
I don't remember anything about October but November was when I finally admitted things weren't right and spoke to the midwife about it. I'll write about that next time.
The trouble with being able to type is that I have written so much. Waffling on.
Today - I've been awake since 3am and just can't get back to sleep. I watched a programme I'd recorded which I usually watch before bed so thought that might make me sleepy. Then I went back to bed but just couldn't fall asleep and I was so upset and crying and thinking negative thoughts. So got up again to come here and get rid of thoughts. It has kind of worked. I'm going to have a bath now and hope that my son has a sleep after lunch so that I can get a rest then instead.
FloBob
I had ante-natal depression first. I did keep a diary when I was pregnant. I naively thought that I'd like to look back on my time whilst pregnant and maybe share those times with our child when he/she was older. I've just looked at that now and I started it on 27 July 2005 and in that very first entry I say how useless I am. That has just hit me. I didn't know that it had started so early. I had thought it had started just before the 12-week scan because I could remember an incident. 27 July was probably 8 weeks in.
I was also worried before the scan that I had imagined the whole pregnancy. As soon as I told people that I was pregnant - just family at that stage - I stopped having morning sickness and I wrote in my diary that maybe I'd imagined the morning sickness.
The night before the 12-week scan a friend rang me to wish me luck - obviously I had told some friends then! I couldn't face talking to her so I laid on the sofa and pretended to be asleep. My OH got annoyed with me because he'd had to lie to our friend. So I ran away and cried on my own in the office. Then wrote a note to him and pushed it under the living room door.
This is not normal behaviour.
I also remember crying a lot. And I'd read in pregnancy books that the first 3 months was bad but then in the next 3 months pregnant women "blossom". Well I didn't and was so upset and angry that I didn't feel any better or any less tired.
I love reading and read a lot. But everything would make me cry. I tried only to read happy or funny books. And I remember getting so angry at a book if it said on the cover that it was funny and then it wasn't. Or even worse had a sad ending. One book I read was about a middle-aged woman living with her mother and the funny side of that and then right at the end with no warning at all she was pregnant (well obviously she'd had a fling) and then miscarried. Just what I didn't want to read. And the book said on the cover that it was funny and had no mention of anything like that and I was so angry with it. Even now this is making me cry.
At the end of Sept 2005 I went away with a friend and 2 of her other friends to celebrate her birthday. I wasn't drinking of course but it had been planned before I got pregnant so I didn't want to let my friend down.
I spent a lot of time being angry that weekend - stupid people at Butlins (mostly men!) would speak to me and I'd end up arguing with them or shouting at them. I never argue with complete strangers, I barely argue with my friends. Save all that for my husband!
And a lot of the time that weekend crying. Oh, I've just remembered what I was crying about. When I got my small suitcase out to pack for the weekend the day before going I found in it a receipt from a lingerie shop for 2 pairs of tights. The receipt was from a shop up north somewhere I had never been. My husband was the last person to use the case when he had been working in that town. Explain that! Obviously I assumed that he'd been with another woman who had left her receipt in his case so that I'd find out and we'd split up. The only saving grace on this was that she'd bought tights - how sexy! Not! Or maybe he'd bought tights for her. Or maybe he was a transvetite. So lots of paranoia.
Anyway when I wasn't crying or shouting at strangers, we all had a fantastic time laughing. Honestly I did. My friend knew there was something not quite right with me but I didn't want to spoil the weekend for her so kept my worries about OH to myself.
Another good thing, along with the laughter, that weekend was that I got chatted up twice. 16 weeks pregnant, not showing yet, boobs looking fab - it was a huge ego and confidence boost. The second guy wasn't even just chatting me up because his mates were talking to my mates. We both happened to be alone in a club at the same time in the same place for about 1 minute and got talking and then caught up with each other later. Nothing happened, and I didn't want it to, but it did me good to think that I was good enough to talk to. Something to smile about ;D
After the weekend I told my friend about the receipt. She did rationalise it for me. It was only a receipt after all and could easily have got caught up with his own receipt for socks! Well, I decided that I either needed to speak to OH about this or forget about it. I didn't want to speak to OH because if he did say that he had (or was having) an affair then I would hate him and would have to leave him. But deep down I knew that I loved him and would want to stay with him. So I didn't want him to know that I would be so wet and pathetic and a doormat as to be cheated on and then let him stay. So I just threw the receipt away and forgot about it - until just now really when I thought about that weekend away.
I don't remember anything about October but November was when I finally admitted things weren't right and spoke to the midwife about it. I'll write about that next time.
The trouble with being able to type is that I have written so much. Waffling on.
Today - I've been awake since 3am and just can't get back to sleep. I watched a programme I'd recorded which I usually watch before bed so thought that might make me sleepy. Then I went back to bed but just couldn't fall asleep and I was so upset and crying and thinking negative thoughts. So got up again to come here and get rid of thoughts. It has kind of worked. I'm going to have a bath now and hope that my son has a sleep after lunch so that I can get a rest then instead.
FloBob