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Post by chica on Oct 18, 2007 9:18:35 GMT
Hi Flobob, Hope you dont mind me popping in too. Just wanted to say, I am so glad that you are beginning to feel more in control. Taking time out for yourself, is really good for you, saying that I still feel guilty . Case of do as I say not as I do. But just wanted to say well done. Also dont feel guilty about using the diary even on good days, that is exactly what it is here for. If you get a bad time, you can then look back at the good times too, and it really does help, to know that good times are around the corner again and achievable. Sending you love and hugs Chica
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Oct 20, 2007 5:16:39 GMT
Hello Winegirl and Monica Thank you! I do feel like I'm doing well at the moment. And Monica - "an investment in your wellbeing" is a great phrase and I'm going to try to remember that so I can justify doing good things for myself.
I just want at the moment to go back to when I was pregnant. It is helping me to get all this stuff out so I'm going to keep going.
I remember during my pregnancy that I was cyring a lot. I had so many overwhelming worries and fears at that time. As well as all the physical symptoms. I remember worrying that my bump wasn't showing - I didn't show until at least 5 months. And that worried me. I'm only small built and just thought that I ought to be showing because if the baby was growing then there was no room inside me so it ought to be growing into a bump. And if there wasn't a bump then maybe that meant the baby wasn't growing. But I also remember not saying this to anyone because I felt I knew they would say "that's OK, everyone grows differently".
My sister-in-law was also pregnant at the same time as me. We don't live close to each other so I didn't see her much during pregnancy. But it is kind of relevant later when we have had our babies. Don't know why I'm mentioning it here really just it came to mind.
When we started going to ante-natal classes in January, I was jealous that the other women were able to laugh about their problems. I remember I think the second or third week one woman saying she was awake all night and she laughed about it. I didn't say anything but was so close to tears because I was awake all night and so tired and yet I couldn't laugh about it.
I wasn't jealous of anyone who didn't have a bad pregnancy like I was having. But I was jealous of their ability to cope. I feel so shallow writing that. And I know at the time that I thought it made me a bad person.
I also remember during my pregnancy that I couldn't remember any happy times from my childhood. And I couldn't ask my parents because I felt that that would be blaming them and I felt so guilty that they would think I hadn't been happy as a child and I didn't want them to feel guilty 20+ years later. But I felt that I wouldn't be able to provide a happy childhood for our baby because I didn't know what one was. So I felt like a bad mother already.
And I was scared of giving birth. I always have been.
I hardly told anyone how I was feeling. Not because I was ashamed but because I didn't want to be a burden to them. I felt that everyone has problems and they didn't need me on their mind too. That was the honest reason.
I eventually got an appointment to see someone from the Mental Health Services team in January 2006. I had to go in and say all the stuff that was bothering me. But I couldn't bring myself to open up. It takes a lot to do that. And I don't get that healthcare professionals expect you to be able to do it. I think that they should know it is difficult to say a load of stuff to someone you've just met and who you don't know whether you can trust them or whether you like them or anything. I thought that the appointment was an assessment so that she could decide if I needed counselling. So I tried to be open. But also I felt like I had to prove how bad I was or else I wouldn't get any treatment and I didn't feel like I could act what she wanted or that I could say the really difficult stuff. She didn't refer me for counselling but did offer me further appointments with her. She also tried to convince me to take medication.
I really didn't want to. Before being pregnant I rarely took anything anyway probably because I rarely needed to. And then once I was pregnant you get advice about not even taking headache tablets, so I just don't believe that anti-depressants are fine. I just think it is something Drs say is fine because they don't want to spend money on other treatments. So I resisted the pressure to take anti-depressants at that time.
I did go to see the Mental Health woman a few times. Each time asking about counselling. I think in the 4th session she told me that I wouldn't get counselling because they don't give it to pregnant women. I think I kind of gave up after that. I felt as though I'd been strung along on the hope and was being punished for not taking meds.
Back to today - I'm obviously not sleeping properly because I keep coming on here in the middle of the night! But yesterday when baby had a sleep in the afternoon I did too. It was such a deep sleep. But I didn't wake up until 4.30pm-ish and then I feel so guilty because I've let LO sleep so long. Actually he only had 2 hours but it was late in the day.
LO is rousing, but I'm going to creep back to bed and he'll probably be asleep a while longer. After his late sleep yesterday afternoon he went to bed later so he needs to sleep later this morning if possible.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 20, 2007 11:42:23 GMT
Hi Flobob
Sounds bizzarre that the mental health lady said they don't offer counselling to pregnant ladies! Madness! Having said that I have been under the mental halth team for a few months and i still havent been offered any and i am post pregnancy!
I hope you managed to get a bit more sleep this morning and you get a bit of a rest today too x
Winegirl x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Oct 24, 2007 21:46:25 GMT
Hello Winegirl Yeah that was bizarre about not giving counselling to pregnant women - she said it was because our hormones would be all over the place and so counselling might make things worse.
I forgot to say too something very important about the time with that mental health service woman. I think I had blocked it out because it upset me quite a bit at the time and I never told anyone.
She'd asked me about life circumstances recently and I'd told her that my husband had lost his job 3 times in 4 years. In 2000 he got a job and we moved to London and then 11 months later he was made redundant and was out of work for 10 months - but he did take some casual driving work during that time which paid a little. At the time I was temping in London so my income wasn't guaranteed and was quite low too. So I had quite a lot of stress probably over that period. We just about managed to pay the rent, and really wanted to move to a smaller flat to reduce the rent but were scared that if we told the landlord then he'd throw us out in case we couldn't pay, and then wouldn't get anywhere else because neither of us had a guaranteed or fixed income.
When OH got another job in Kingston-upon-Thames and got his first pay cheque I was so ill that weekend. I think it was my mind finally allowing my body to relax and give in. I'm not generally an ill person but I was just sick and diarhea for 3 days and lost so much weight.
Then he was in that job for 10 months and then was made redundant again and was out of work for another 10 months. At some point in the 10 months of work we had bought our own house in Bedfordshire and had moved there. Which was the only place we could afford within 1-hours commute (by motorbike) of Kingston. That still amazes me - London prices! I was still temping but had also set up my own company with the eventual aim to work from home.
So another 10 months out of work for hubby, and that time I don't think he got any casual work at all. He was trying hard to find work. But obviously it was a strain for both of us. Actually I do remember he got some work flying but that turned out to be a "lie". The guy that employed him actually didn't have the authority to do so, so he worked for 3 months without being paid. And then obviously had to start looking again for work.
Then he got a job in Hampshire and had yet another even longer commute - I think 2-hours each way. But that company "let him go" after 10 months. This time it was a huge blow as we had decided to sell our house in Beds and had put it up for sale and got an offer. So that weekend we went to Hampshire to look for a new place nearer to his work. We found a lovely place in Southampton and then hubby was going to spend the night in a B&B in S'ton on the Monday night to see what the commute to work would be like from there. No point buying there if it was a very congested and slow road to his work. It was on the Monday that they told him there was no job. It was a complete shock as just a month before he'd had a 6-month (obviously late) review and they'd said how well he was doing and how pleased they were with him and his work, blah blah blah.
Oh yeah, at the same time, I had given notice on the long-term temp job I had been doing so that I could finally concentrate on my business. I really didn't want to ask for the contract to be extended. It was a milestone for me and I wanted to continue with my business plans.
Also it was about this time that we agreed we'd like to try and have a family together. Previously it had never been agreed - we didn't exactly argue about it but neither of us were in a rush. And I'd come off the pill and we were just going to see what happened. So I also didn't want to go back on the pill because that was a life decision.
Because we couldn't afford to stay in our house without hubby's income and obviously didn't know how long until he got another job. We decided to sell our house and find somewhere to rent. The likelihood was that he would have to get work away from home, so I asked that we move back to the area where I grew up so that I was near family and friends rather than being in Bedfordshire on my own.
We had enough money to pay the mortgage for 3 months and luckily the sale went through at 4 months. Losing our house, even though we chose to sell it, knocked us both.
Also that summer I broke a bone in my foot and was in plaster for 6 weeks. Joy.
And my best friend just didn't seem concerned about any of this. And that upset me. She didn't ring me for 4 weeks which was awful just when I needed her!
So because of all these circumstances the mental health woman said she thought I had depression, and not Ante-natal depression. It shouldn't really matter. But somehow it did. It was like saying that I couldn't cope with a few ups-and-downs. When really I wanted it to be Ante-natal so that I could blame it on hormones.
And I never told anyone because I didn't want my OH to think that I was blaming him for my depression - after all it was him that was out of work and therefore I had more pressure to earn enough money to pay all the bills. So because I couldn't tell my husband I didn't tell anyone because it felt disloyal to tell someone else and not him.
That last bit goes for a lot of problems I have (had during pregnancy). I felt that I couldn't tell people how I was feeling because everyone has problems and I didn't want to make out like my problems were worse or become a burden to people.
The mental health woman persuaded me to tell my Mum. I wasn't sure about that. We're a fairly close family but don't really do heavy emotional stuff. But I did tell my Mum. But to be honest I don't think it helped me in the long run. My Mum isn't very empathetic. But also it might have been me because I do find it difficult to open up and probably pushed her away - which I know absolutely that I did to a lot of people.
At some point prior to getting pregnant my husband got contract work but it was some distance from home so he was staying away in the week and just home at weekends. One night whilst I was pregnant and after I'd told my Mum about my AND, Mum and Dad offered me to stay with them. I didn't really want to because I was up in the night a lot at that time (nothing changes!) and wanted to be in my own bed near the en-suite loo, etc. etc. But I did say "maybe I could just take dinner home with me to save on me cooking". My Dad just laughed at the cheek of it. Which it was cheeky. But also that is what I needed - to not have to cook and to be able to be at home. I didn't have the energy to explain. Went home without dinner and probably didn't bother to cook for myself. It's a nothing thing but as I've remembered it all this time it obviously upset and bothered me.
I was by this time working properly for myself from home. I arranged for an ex-colleague from London to cover my work whilst I took maternity leave.
During my pregnancy OH was again out of work, his contract finished in Sept and he didn't get work again until Jan or possibly Feb. Baby was due in March. He got work but again this meant working away and staying away and coming home just at weekends.
Baby was due on 17 March 2006. Officially I gave up work on 28 Feb. But in reality I carried on doing stuff because I was at home and stuff needed doing! Worked late on the Sunday night of 5 March. Actually was on the computer until 2am - not clever. Went to bed alone of course as husband was up north. Woke at 4am-ish to a wetness between my legs. Assumed I was wetting the bed - how embarrassing! Got up to rush to the en-suite loo and immediately saw (because I'd fallen asleep with the light on) that it wasn't wee but was blood. Obviously major panic, running around to find maternity towels and knickers.
I had had braxton hicks contractions at 34 weeks and at that time I rang the midwife because I thought it was the real thing. I had been told that Braxton Hicks don't hurt and are irregular, but what I was having did hurt and were coming every 5 minutes. The midwife said to come in to the midwife centre in the town. So woke hubby up and we drove there, and were then sent on to the hospital in the big town 10 miles away.
When I was bleeding on 5 March, I rang the midwife because I thought she would tell me calmly just to come in to see her and then I thought it would be OK. But she told me straight away to call the ambulance. She didn't even ask me if anyone was with me, which is what she had asked the time before. So because she reacted like that I panicked a bit more.
I then rang my friend who had offered to be my birth partner if OH was away. And I shouted at her husband. Then rang my OH. I didn't ring him earlier because I didn't want him panicking and driving madly down the motorway if it wasn't anything to worry about. He'd only just got there 4 hours before.
Ambulance arrived and I'll write more about this another time.
Back to how I'm feeling now. I have been feeling a lot better for a couple of weeks. The week of the move was tiring and exhausting and didn't help my mood. But for a couple of weeks now I've been feeling more up.
I bought a book in Sept called Overcoming Depression, and that has helped me. And writing on here is brilliant for me. I feel now how I felt in June and July when I was getting counselling from the NHS. Writing on here is for me like talking to a counsellor. I don't expect answers but being able to "say" it all out is very therapeutic.
But I do have a question about doctors, so I'll just go and post that somewhere else.
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Oct 30, 2007 23:31:48 GMT
Very unsettling afternoon today and then a sad evening. I've had a bit of a cry this evening. I also rang 2 friends this evening but couldn't bring myself to tell them what was worrying me today.
The day started well - little boy is waking up early - no doubt because of putting the clocks back. So he was awake around 5.30am or maybe a bit earlier. But that's OK, he can't help it. Silly clocks!
Took him to nursery, went to supermarket, went to gym. Very good so far. Came home and got on with work. I did loads of work and felt good about that. But I did forget to eat lunch. Then remembered it at 2pm, and put something under the grill. Came back upstairs to work as food would take 5 mins to grill. And forgot about the food. Remembered the food when I smelt it burning! Ran down to the kitchen. Food wasn't a complete disaster so put it on a plate to cool. Came back up to work for a few minutes whilst food cooled. Forgot about it again. Remembered it as I was rushing out the door to collect son from nursery. Ate it anyway.
Hah, actually writing that shows me what a lousy memory I have these days. How is it possible to forget that you have just put something under the grill and you need to go back to it in 5 minutes? And then to forget it again. Hopeless!
Anyway, my real upset today was that my period started. I thought I was pregnant. I really hoped I was. I hadn't told anyone not even my husband. It might be stupid to want to have another baby, but I do want another baby.
I thought this time that I would get through my pregnancy without all the down thoughts because I know deep down that I am a good Mummy and can cope. A friend of mine has suggested that pregnancy affected me in this way as I did not know what to expect (during pregnancy and after the baby was born) and so the negative side was more prominent for me. For her it was the opposite, she was far happier not knowing and was fine with her first pregnancy but had ante-natal and post-natal depression with her second pregnancy, which she thinks is down to the fact that she was aware of how difficult it was and that it was going to get more difficult as the pregnancy progressed and then trying to look after a baby with a young boy to care for too.
I also thought that by having a pregnancy that was fine I would redeem myself from what happened this time. I don't know if that makes sense really. But I know what I mean.
So bah to periods.
I thought I was pregnant not because of a late period, because I wasn't entirely sure when it was due - I can't even remember food under a grill for more than 3 minutes! Let alone remember something like the date of my last period! Anyway I thought I was pregnant because my boobs were leaking - leaking something. God knows what that was. It was white though so I thought it might mean I was pregnant as I had read the first time round that some women do produce milk right through pregnancy. I didn't last time but boy did I produce milk when was my baby was born! It was like having dripping taps on my chest! I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow anyway so I should probably ask him about the leaking boobs, but God that just makes me cringe.
I didn't tell my husband that I thought I might be pregnant because he isn't convinced we should have another. He is happy to go with the flow and see what happens. Which is also fine by me.
This writing is definitely good for me. I was feeling dreadful before coming on here tonight but after a bit of a cry and writing the stuff here I do feel like a weight has lifted.
Right, back to re-capping. Or actually, I wanted to get off my chest a whole load of stuff about the lack of support I've had whilst suffering from PNI. And this isn't in any order or following on from what I wrote the other day. It just makes sense to write it down all in one go if I can.
Here goes, deep breath ... this is quite hard for me because it involves criticising my husband. That makes me feel disloyal and bad and very guilty.
When I was rushed into hospital a fortnight before my due date, I was still protecting OH from the situation - I didn't want him to worry. Which is obviously stupid. And it wasn't like I didn't tell him within 30 minutes of knowing the situation myself. But that is how I was throughout my pregnancy - not telling people stuff because I didn't want to be a burden to them.
So OH had to rush back from up north straight to the hospital. I spent a scary 3 days in hospital with OH with me as much as he could be. Then at the end of that time I had to have a c-section. I'll probably talk about the whole hospital experience another time.
Baby was born on a Wed, and I left hospital on the Friday. But that scared me too. Originally we had hoped that I would be able to give birth in a local midwife centre which has the facility for husband to stay overnight on the first night. That was a big plus for me (probably would be for everyone?) because I felt that we could be together as a family - proper family room with double bed and cot together - from the start but with a midwife on site in case we needed advice. So when I was in hospital the midwife there said I could still go to the midwife centre in my home town if I wanted to. I dithered about it because at the time I felt like I didn't know what I was doing with our baby. Then my husband got to the hospital and basically moaned at me and had a go at me for not wanting to go home with him. It wasn't that I didn't want to go home with him, it was that I didn't know if I was capable of going home with him and of the 2 of us (but mostly me) looking after a baby.
Anyway, I backed down, mostly because I really didn't know what I wanted, and it was obvious that he really wanted me and baby to be at home. So we went home on the Friday.
My husband had to go back to work up north on the Sunday evening. On Sunday afternoon I was trying to breastfeed baby but my nipples were so sore. First one nipple started bleeding so I swapped him to the other breast. And that nipple was then bleeding too. I didn't know what to do. Our baby was hungry and all he was getting was blood - which is just a horrible thought and I can't describe. Obviously I stopped feeding him as soon as I saw the blood so it wasn't like he really swallowed much. We rang the midwife who asked if we had any formula milk - the answer was no because I thought beforehand that if I bought some then I would give in to the difficulty of breastfeeding and stop doing it when really I did want to breastfeed to give baby the nutritional benefits of breastmilk. So the midwife came almost straight away and brought with her some ready-made formula milk in sterile bottles with sterile teats to attach. Baby loved it and hubby was pleased to be able to do something.
I was in agony with my bleeding nipples. And obviously very upset. I felt that I was failing as a Mummy after only 5 days.
Husband wouldn't not go that evening. I begged him to stay home and drive north in the morning. But he wouldn't.
I didn't trust myself to be alone with our baby. I didn't think I would intentionally hurt him. But thought that my impatience at not being able to quieten him might cause me to do something bad. I didn't tell anyone this at the time and actually have never told anyone this since then either.
I had to ring a friend who came to stay with me that night. My Mum was already coming over to stay from the Monday for the week until hubby came home again on the Friday.
Being stubborn and determined, I did manage to get past the bleeding nipples situation. Actually they would only bleed for the start of a feed, so I expressed until the blood had gone and then could feed. One nipple was better than the other so I fed him from that one and expressed from the other only until they were both better. It doesn't say to do that in any of the information you're given. And the midwife didn't tell me to do that either. But it just seemed right.
Reading that has made me feel better - like my Mummy-instincts of how to deal with that bad situation had kicked in. I hadn't realised that before.
Another good thing to say here is that we both got the hang of the breastfeeding lark and I did continue breastfeeding until baby was 1 year and 1 day old. I wanted to continue longer but supply had gone by then. Really didn't want to stop at 1 year because it felt like saying "Your birthday present is no more milk from Mummy" which seemed rotten. We'd cut down the breastmilk feeds from about 9 months anyway and were only on 1-a-day (the nice comforting bedtime feed) by the time we stopped.
But, back to lack of support. My husband not even staying that one extra night when I begged him to was very unsupportive.
Whilst I was pregnant my husband was either unemployed or working away up north. He was away in Feb and I thought I might get a nice present for Valentine's Day, to show that he was thinking of me. I didn't even get a card. Every other year since we got together he sent me a Valentine's card (and of course I had sent him one every year too). This year when I was pregnant with his child and depressed and lonely he didn't bother.
Whilst I was pregnant I was working for myself and had planned to stop working on 28 Feb, followed by 6-months maternity leave. Before giving up work I had said to my husband that he HAD to buy me a bunch of flowers on the last day of my work because every pregnant woman gets a leaving present when they give up work to have a baby and as I didn't have any colleagues he would have to send flowers instead. He didn't do that. Even though I had told him in plain English. I hadn't dropped hints and left it to chance. I had said exactly what I wanted and why it was important. Another let-down.
When our baby was born I didn't get a present from him. Beforehand I had half-teased him about an eternity ring. And then as the due date got nearer I felt a bit guilty because the ring would have been a fortune and of course we needed the money for the baby. So I said to him that I wasn't expecting an eternity ring and was only teasing and hoped he wouldn't spend that much money on me, but that he ought to buy a little gift to signify the birth of our child. But he didn't even buy me a bunch of flowers.
Even though a fortnight before his sister-in-law had given birth to their first child and he'd phoned me up to suggest that we send a bunch of flowers - on the day that I was out buying a gift for their new baby. We didn't send flowers because I said they'd be getting lots anyway and we'd do it in a couple of weeks when they'd likely appreciate it more. But I was upset by his suggestion because he hadn't sent me flowers for Valentine's Day or for giving up work, and yet he'd thought of it for his sister-in-law (his brother's wife). Hmmmph, another disappointment.
In the end, when our baby was around 7 months old, I bought myself a little charm of a pair of gold bootees to go on my charm bracelet to signify the birth of our child. But I haven't gone to the jewellers yet to have them put on the bracelet because it still feels wrong and pathetic that I had to buy it myself when I just wanted him to show that he loved me.
When I returned to work - OK I was working from home for myself but it was still returning to work! - after 6 months I remember the next problem. To be honest I'm not sure that I remember very much from the first 6 months of our boy's life.
I remember people telling me that the first year went so quick. But for me it was not going quickly. With husband away all week and only home at weekends, I was in sole charge for 24 hours a day. It was tiring - no, it was exhausting! Every day seemed like 2 days long. I would get to the end of the day and not be able to remember what had happened that morning.
After having the c-section I couldn't drive for 6 weeks. Maybe I should have ignored the doctors and gone out anyway. Because that enforced staying home isolated me from people even more. Yes, we had visitors but I wasn't seeing any other new Mums and was lonely. By the time I did get out I felt like I was left behind and didn't know how to talk to them.
From 6 to 9 months, I was telling my husband that he needed to be more organised re feeding times for baby. Yes, I was still breastfeeding but I wasn't completely against him having formula if I wasn't around - he was having formula whilst with the childminder twice a week whist I worked. So it was fine. And I was expressing when possible so there was usually some breastmilk in the freezer. Plus of course by this time baby was having solids too. Husband would come home at the weekend and just say "let's go there ..." but not think what time it was - should we go before a feed, does the baby need to sleep, should we take food with us, etc, etc. So I'd be left thinking all of this stuff and having to say "no, we can't go now" and the whole thing really stressed me. I found going out difficult enough - by the time I got everything ready and in the car the opportunity would be gone. Baby wouldn't sleep if disturbed after his feed, so if I wanted to go straight after his breastfeed then everything had to be ready beforehand so he could be put in his car seat straight away and would then fall asleep. If he was put down after the breastfeed and left whilst everything was got ready he would then wake when moved and that would be the end of his sleep, which he obviously needed. It really took 3 months for husband to get that level of organisation into his head. Honestly it was a good job that it didn't take me so long to understand stuff! I may have taken as long to get to grips with it but not from lack of understanding. The whole time I was over-stressed by returning to work, feeling guilty for lack of time with baby (even though he was only out with childminder or my parents 3 mornings a week at that stage), trying to do so much stuff - work, housework, look after baby. I really felt like I had 3 jobs to do and wasn't doing any of them well.
This took us up to Xmas 2006. In the November I eventually admitted that I wasn't well and saw the doctor about PNI. I knew what it was because of having had ante-natal depression too.
Before Xmas I wrote to and phoned the Samaritans. I was feeling very low and very desperate. I did tell my husband that I'd phoned them. He didn't even comment. To this day he has never mentioned it. Doesn't he even care.
When I discovered this forum, I would come on here and read stuff and see other women say how supportive their partner was being and I would be so jealous. I couldn't write anything on here then because I felt a complete failure and couldn't admit to not having a partner to support me.
Just remembered a really big incident that has horrified me. As well as my husband working away all week, he also worked as a helicopter pilot for a local company at weekends when they needed him. I didn't ask him not to do the flying work at weekends because he had been trying to get work as a pilot for years and we were hoping that if he kept up with the local company they would take him on full-time and then he wouldn't have to be away at all. So I just accepted it although of course it was difficult. Anyway, one weekend when he was going to go flying I asked him to do something for the baby and maybe go out a bit later to get to the airfield. He got angry and said "You wanted a baby, you look after him". That is just horrible and it devastated me.
We had agreed together to try for a family. I hadn't pressurised him into it. And I hadn't spent the whole time with a calendar and ovulation chart telling him when we needed to have sex. I had tried to make it romantic. And honestly that it how it was. Sex was good and the result was that after over a year I did get pregnant. Miracle really as he was working away so much!
I've spoken to him since then about what he said that day. I've asked him to apologise for saying it. I really do need to hear him say he is sorry for saying such a cruel thing. As if he didn't want our lovely baby boy. And he loves him so much.
I'm getting upset now I'm writing about this. I have never told anyone that he said that.
Mostly also I wasn't telling anyone that he was working at weekends. My parents knew and one day on the phone my Mum said to me "You don't want to hear this but ... he should be at home with you at weekends", so then I stopped telling her too that he was out flying. And I would just gloss over the weekend if she asked. I didn't tell anyone because I was ashamed that I didn't have a husband who loved me enough to stay at home at the weekend. I felt that it was my fault because if I was a good person then he would want to be at home and I must be a failure if he didn't want to be at home.
Anyway he never said sorry for saying that and he still hasn't done so. I expect he has forgotten he said it by now. But I haven't forgotten although the horror of it has worn off a little. But it has still made me cry tonight.
Things have improved between us over the months but I feel like that is down to me. I don't tell him the bad stuff so he thinks things are fine for me.
At Xmas 2006, we were going to my parents on Boxing Day and I had to sterilise something. It was in the steriliser which obviously I'd turned on. I didn't say to husband that it was on but as I had just said thing needed sterilising he should have realised. Anyway he went to get thing and then scalded his hand on the steam. And then we had an argument about that. And he managed to tell me that I was a bad mother for leaving a bottle of handwash in the bathroom where baby could reach it. Well, yeah, I had left it there so he was right, but I never left baby in the bathroom on his own so he wouldn't ever have got the bottle. And it had no relevance to our argument that day and he just wanted to tell me I was a bad mother.
Also I had told him that socialising was very difficult for me, including with my own parents, so any added stress before going out wasn't good. And there he was shouting at me.
Round about New Year we had a proper talk and the end result was that he said he would rather not hear about my depression. Probably because he couldn't cope with it. So I stopped telling him stuff. And took to bottling it all up. He was still working away. I always felt disloyal telling anyone else other than my husband. And pathetic because it was him I wanted to talk to. Him I wanted to love and support me. I couldn't talk to my friends or family because I didn't want them to know that he didn't love me enough.
So I became very introverted and of course lonely.
After a few months of this - of me not talking to him about what was bothering me - he was telling me some stuff about his brother and how he was feeling low. So I said something about "oh you listen to him and his problems". And then he said "well he just says what is bothering him". How could he? He was the reason why I didn't tell him stuff. I was by this time having counselling privately, so was quite calm and said "don't you think that is a little unfair?" So then we talked and it turns out that he didn't mean "don't tell him stuff" like for everything. God, he did say that and then tried to pretend he hadn't said it.
Also there was a big argument in January this year with his family. And my husband didn't back me up or defend me at all from what they were saying about me. It was only a semi-argument because none of them spoke to me, just shouted at my husband on the phone and spoke about me behind my back. One result was that his brother and sister-in-law banned me from their house - of course I got this report from my husband. Then a few months later he said they hadn't "banned" me but had said "If I do ... then I'd never be welcome in their house again". That just isn't what he said even if it was what they'd told him. And he had loads of chances to clear up that misunderstanding with me because he knew I thought he'd said "banned" because I kept going on about it and how it was upsetting me and how I wanted him to sort things out with his family so that I wasn't the evil in-law. Actually he still hasn't sorted things out with his family. And we're going to his parents for Xmas this year. They all act like nothing happened and they didn't say all those things and I'm supposed to just pretend along with them, which gets my stress levels up because I'd rather have an open conversation and clear the air. But they are all masters at ignoring bad situations and pretending everything is fine, as long as we don't talk about feelings.
We have been getting on better. And obviously with buying a house together this October things can't be so bad. Sometimes for me I think I'm just going along until I have the energy to force the situation to either get better or the other alternative. It is easier just to go along.
And we are getting on better but I think that is because I don't "burden" him with my thoughts when he comes home. So he thinks things are fine (or fine-ish) and I keep quiet to keep the peace and avoid arguments. He doesn't support me the way I want him to, so I either have to accept that or leave.
I do love him. And he does love me, I know that really. So I do want to stay with him because once I am properly better we'll be fine. Sex together is still great - hey that's not supposed to happen after marriage, let alone after a child!
I've rambled on tonight. I've been typing for ages. And there's still loads more I want to say and get off my chest, so I'll probably write a bit more when I have the energy. Tonight it's made me cry, and some smiles in there too. But this does do me good. But it is late and I really could do with sleeping so I'll go to bed now.
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Post by Scarlet on Oct 31, 2007 7:47:32 GMT
Flobob,
I hope it has helped you writing hun. I read it with tears in my eyes, and can empathise with most of what you went through and the lack of support from your OH and family..
My husband was less than supportive as well, and I still have things which hurt me, which he said and did when I was suffering badly at the beginning, and also what led me to have the PNI....
Maybe one day, when you feel ready to, you could show what you've written to your hubby, or maybe a part of it. I have often thought of writing things down, but haven't had the chance, and it hurts me to relieve it sometimes...
Hope you are hving a good day today hun
Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Oct 31, 2007 13:29:36 GMT
Hello Scarlet That's a shame that you haven't had chance to write things down. It is definitely helping me. Although right now I feel that I have just moaned about my husband. But I honestly don't tell anyone all this and so to say it here will maybe make it leave my head at last. I've loads more to say but not right now.
Trying to throw myself into work today, but it isn't really working. It was working until I stopped for lunch - half the time I forget to stop for lunch and today I thought it would be best to eat but the actual stopping gave me time to think and that didn't help me at all and I had another cry.
I did tell my dr today that my nipples had been leaking, and in the upset about other stuff he didn't tell me what it might have been. So I'm still confused about that. But just don't have the energy to go back and ask.
Think I will do some more work now. Stops me from thinking.
I'm even worried today about any trick-or-treaters knocking on the door tonight. So pathetic. I'm not really worried about any tricks, but just because I don't think I can face people.
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Post by winegirl on Oct 31, 2007 16:02:13 GMT
Glad its not just me Flobob, I am also dreading them knocking on the door. I wont be opening it! Will prob be doing the same as you and hiding with the curtains shut!
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Post by Scarlet on Oct 31, 2007 16:11:35 GMT
I should write things down Flobob. I've been writing a diary for my little one (I did with my eldest) and I've mentioned a few things in there, but I haven't had time to write in depth about how my PNI came about, how I was feeling, how I coped etc.
Sorry about the baby hun, I know you are disappointed, but listen, when it's the right time for you and hubby, there'll be the pitter patter of timy feet I'm sure. Just concentrate on getting fully well for the time being Flobob.
About your nipples leaking hun, what colour is it.. Could it be milk still? How old is your wee one? I'm sure there's a simple explanation, did you do a pregnancy test BTW?
I love trick or treating, in fact I may nip out myself with the kids later... I made some pumpkin lanterns for them, but I know what you mean about opening the door to strangers.
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Oct 31, 2007 21:13:19 GMT
Hello Winegirl and Scarlet xx No trick-or-treaters at all tonight. I was quite surprised as we are now living on an estate and I just expected some kids to be out here. We've lived in rural areas for the last 5 years and before that in a flat for 2 years so was never bothered for all that time. So I didn't have to hide at all tonight. Did you hide Winegirl? Scarlet, hope you enjoyed your evening. I don't mind it usually but just this year it felt like an intrusion and I would have to smile which I wasn't sure I would manage. Imagined myself bursting into tears and scaring the children!
Scarlet, my LO is nearly 20 months and I stopped breastfeeding 8 months ago. The stuff was white and my nipples looked just like they did when I was breastfeeding - with the little white dots. I just got my hopes up. No I didn't do a pregnancy test - thought it was a bit early because I knew I wasn't yet late and didn't think anything hormone-wise would show up that early. And I didn't want to find out that I wasn't pregnant.
I've been very low today. Probably will be again tomorrow because I have an appointment to see the new psychiatrist. Just writing that is wrong. Normally I don't "plan" bad days in advance, but keep telling myself that tomorrow will be a good day and try to be as positive as I can be. So need to stop the negative thinking now ... tomorrow might be difficult but it needn't be bad. The new psych might be nice, easy to talk to, approachable, helpful ... hey, I feel better already - dippy cow!
I didn't sleep well again last night. So I am going to bed now and hopefully I'll fall asleep soon.
xx FloBob
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 1, 2007 9:55:20 GMT
It is now Thursday morning. I did get an early night last night, but was woken up just before midnight by someone phoning! Rushed to the phone to find it was a wrong number! Took me about 2 hours to get back to sleep.
But woke up this morning and realised that I was suffering a set-back all because of not being pregnant. That is just wrong. And I've decided not to let it get to me like that. So full of positivity this morning. Just going out now to a mother & baby group and then to see the psychiatrist at 11.30.
Wanted to write this down so that I can remember being so positive.
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Post by winegirl on Nov 1, 2007 20:06:33 GMT
Glad you are feeling a bit more positive hun! You are so lucky not to get those trick or treaters - I spent the night hiding behind closed curtains! lol x
How did the appt with the psychiatrist go?
Winegirl x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 2, 2007 7:06:23 GMT
I will write about the psych appt at some point. But right now I am too ANGRY.
So much for being positive yesterday! I had such a good day yesterday. Even seeing the psych was good. But now I am full of hate and anger.
I haven't said before but where I have moved to is the town I grew up in. Maybe that should be easy, but for me it wasn't. I don't think I really wanted to move back here. But I know my husband thinks that I did. And I know in years to come he's going to say that he did that for me. It happened because I didn't have the energy to explain to my husband that moving here would be difficult for me mentally. Growing up I knew I didn't want to stay in my home town - small world type thing. And moving back here now feels like I haven't moved on or grown up.
But now I think it is totally the wrong thing because of something I found out yesterday afternoon.
I went round to see a very good friend yesterday afternoon. She knows that I have PNI. I was telling her about stuff and she asked if it was 1 thing that was bothering me. I said it was loads of things but there was 1 thing from my past. She said she thought she knew what it was and that I was punishing myself. So I asked her what she thought it was because I've never told anyone about it. And it turns out that she knows I had an abortion when I was 16. Me and her didn't even know each other then. And that is not the thing from my past that is hurting me now.
She knows because my boyfriend at the time told his best mate. His best mate is now married to a girl who is friends with a woman who knows my friend. This man told my friend, who told her partner. This man has probably told his wife, and she has probably told her friend. So everybody knows. I want to swear about this but don't know if I'm allowed to swear on here or if the site deletes me for it.
I HATE MY EX-BOYFRIEND FOR TELLING HIS MATE. I HATE HIS MATE. I HATE MY FRIEND. I HATE HER FOR KNOWING.
She said it all in such a kind way too. Telling me not to judge myself. At the time I was calm.
But when I got home and after I'd put baby to bed. I just felt so ... I can't even think of the word. I fell asleep watching TV at 8.30pm, and woke at 9.15pm and went to bed and slept straight away - something I almost never do. But this morning I got up an hour ago and had a bath and just sat in the bath for 30 mins not doing anything and feeling so full of hate.
And maybe my friend thinks I should feel guilty about having an abortion. And maybe I should, but I never did. But now it has made me feel wrong that I didn't feel guilty.
I felt guilty at the time. And terrible. But I didn't tell anyone. I was so annoyed when I found out (3 years later) that my boyfriend had told his mate. He told me then. I hadn't told anyone. He was amazed at the time that I had got through that without telling anyone. Now it seems the whole world knows.
I don't know how to deal with all this hate and anger. Yesterday I resolved not to let my non-pregnancy affect me in such a bad way. But I don't know how to stop this hatred. And my husband will be home tonight. Actually he does know that I had an abortion. We met when I was 19 and I think it was probably still quite raw for me then because I do remember telling him. Although knowing him it is likely that he has forgotten! I'd be so glad if he has forgotten.
And my nipples are still leaking. What is wrong with me?
My baby is waking up now. I don't even know if I can face him this morning. But I love him so much.
I never felt guilty about the abortion because I was not mature enough at 16 to have a child. I really believed that. And believed that we had done the right thing for everyone. I finally felt as if I'd grown up enough when I reached 34. All this stuff in the media about women wanting careers first blah blah blah. As if we're all the same. For me it was that I just didn't feel grown up enough to bring up a child. And there are probably a million reasons if anyone was actually to ask a million women.
Right got to go now. Little one is having a whine, and that has made me smile. I will be fine today. Not thinking will be my plan today. So must make myself busy.
Just to make me laugh - little one did 3 poos yesterday! It can't be that bad again today ;D
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Post by winegirl on Nov 2, 2007 20:11:45 GMT
Hi Hun
Oddly I grew up in a village and was glad to get away when I ws old enough. I returned on occasions as my parents still live there and have subsequently discovered that a couple of things that I felt were top secret to me had gone round the village like wild fire thanks to a not so good friend.
I totally sympathise with how you feel. Its the reason I am glad to live in a city now. But give it a few days and it will have left your mind. My probs over my secrets being spilled had left my mind until reading your post tonight!
How did the rest of your day go today? Were things ok with bub?
Winegirl x
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Post by monica on Nov 3, 2007 17:27:06 GMT
Dear Flobob
Just been catching up on your diary. My heart really goes out to you as you have been through so much, let down on many occasions. I'm so pleased you're feeling postive. I've always felt quite disappointed on many occasions when I've thought I might be pregnant and wasn't. Funnily enough on one occasion my breast also leaked a white discharge for a while. It was just before a period and I too thought I was pregnant but came on normally and two pregnancy tests were negative. It did calm down - don't know what it was.
I'm sorry that fact you had an abortion got out. It's always horrible when things that were very private to you get out and it seems like everyone knows. I'm guessing your friend was just trying to find a cause for the PNI and assumed this might be it. Hopefully your anger towards her and the others who know will die down in a few days. You shouldn't feel bad about the fact you havent' felt guilty about the abortion. I think it shows you feel that you made the right decision at the time. Having a child at 16 would have been extremely difficult.
I hoep your day has been good for you.
Love
Monica
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