clarey
Senior Member
Posts: 327
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Post by clarey on Nov 20, 2007 21:19:39 GMT
Ahh Flobob sometimes they do things that make your heart melt. Loved that it was like something my son would do (esp the car thing). I think your OH, Scarlets and mine are all very similar. It was like reading something I would have written! You are right when you say it isn't so much the money it is the fact men hate to be conned out of their money. I agree with you Scarlet..often alternative methods are better and my OH feels he is being conned by such things. Ahh well us women know better Hope you have a good rest Clarex
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 21, 2007 2:49:55 GMT
Once again my LO cried out about an hour ago. I went to him and he was just sitting up in bed. So I laid him down under the blankets and caressed his cheek and he settled OK. I went straight back to bed, I hadn't put the lights on and was determined to get back to sleep. An hour on and it just isn't happening so thought I'd come here and talk about stuff.
A while back I was kind-of recapping about my pregnancy, birth and all that stuff that has caused me anxiety and it was helping me a lot to get stuff off my mind. So I have just looked back to see where I got to and will now carry on.
I'd just written about waking up in the middle of the night on 5/6 March to find I was bleeding. So I'll have to talk now about the whole birth thing. Deep breath ...
Even now I can barely say the word haemorrhage for what was happening to me. I still say bleeding which makes it sound not so bad. Haemorrhage just sounds so serious. I think I do that so that I don't have to think about how serious it was.
When I called the ambulance and then my friend, whose partner I shouted at. He thought I was just ringing to say contractions had started and said to me "it will be alright, she's on her way now" but I shouted at him that it wasn't alright as I was bleeding. I still feel guilty about shouting at him even though I have apologised to him.
Then I wrote a note to my friend because I was worried that the ambulance would take me away before she got to mine. So the note said, I'd been taken to xxx hospital. Then I thought what if they don't take me there, so I wrote another note saying they'd taken me to yyy hospital. Then I thought I'd throw one away when the ambulance people told me where we were going.
All this time the baby wasn't moving. I don't know if I even registered that at the time but the ambulance woman asked me and then I realised I hadn't felt the baby move for a few hours.
I opened the front door and kept going out to have a look. I reckon I must have got dressed at some point too but don't actually remember doing that. Where we were living was set back on a long drive off the main road, and the place was difficult to find because of that. So I was scared that the ambulance wouldn't find the house. It was a converted manor house - about 20 flats. I didn't want to walk up to the top of the drive in my condition. Eventually the ambulance arrived ... but I didn't know ... they'd parked at the front and our flat was at the back. I was wandering in and out by our door and then someone came round the back of the property and scared the life out of me. It was the ambulance woman.
She came in and calmed me down. Then the midwife rang back to see how things were and the ambulance woman spoke to her and then had to inspect me - just looking to see how much I was bleeding and report to the midwife on the phone. I didn't think at the time but now I realise I was lucky to have a woman come in the ambulance.
As I said she asked me about when the baby last moved and I realised it was about midnight. I was so petrified of losing our baby.
My friend arrived shortly after the ambulance.
And then the ambulance driver came in too. She said to her colleague "you were supposed to come back and tell me where you were". I couldn't believe she'd said that as her colleague was helping me and I just rolled my eyes at my friend. It actually made me very angry at the time but now I'm thinking that was probably quite normal for me to be annoyed by that comment. My friend said afterwards that they must have been having a "domestic"!
Then we set off to the hospital. I'd never been in an ambulance before. And now know that you can't hear the sirens when you're inside - my friend told me afterwards that the lights were flashing and occasionally they'd have the sirens on at junctions and that. It really scared me that I was in an ambulance - just made me think how serious it was, because I think I was trying to believe it wasn't a problem.
In the ambulance I felt the baby move again for the first time in hours. Huge relief - just doesn't say enough of how I felt.
Getting to the hospital is a bit of a blur. I was rushed in to a delivery room. Not sure how long I was there but it seemed ages. Eventually they scanned me to see how the baby was doing and if they could see where the bleeding had come from. I think I was also set up on a monitor to hear the baby's heartbeat or whatever it is they listen to - actually yeah I remember hearing the heartbeat and was flooded with happiness but still very very scared.
My husband got there around 8am I think and after a bit my friend went home. The scan hadn't been conclusive so I was sent down in a wheelchair to the proper department for scanning - I can't remember the name - because the proper person might have more luck finding the problem as they had more experience. But she couldn't tell where the bleeding was coming from. I felt so dreadful sitting in the waiting room - like people were looking at me and hating me for jumping the queue and as if I was weird. God, that is stupid and I don't suppose anyone did think that at all. But at the time I felt really conscious about it all.
By this time thankfully I had stopped bleeding.
The rest of the day was spent in the delivery room waiting for stuff to happen. My OH stayed with me. I wasn't in any pain and was so bored. I still feel guilty for being bored on that day and the next day. My over-riding emotion should have been fear. But I was being connected to the monitor regularly and could hear the baby's heartbeat so was soothed by that. My OH slept on the floor in the delivery room on Monday night so that he could stay with me.
During the day on Monday it was decided to induce me because they didn't know why I had bled and it was thought safest to get the baby out. So I was given whatever it is they give to induce you - I can't remember what that is called - useless and medical terms in general.
On Tuesday I was moved to another delivery room because I wanted one with a tv. I had been walking about on the Monday afternoon to relieve some pain from being in bed and had noticed other rooms had TVs. Again I feel bad for asking for such a thing but nothing was happening!
I was given 3 more induction things. And had loads of internal examinations. They're so awful! I didn't know until weeks afterwards that I could have refused those. And then felt stupid when I did find out.
Another pregnant mum from the ante-natal classes had offered to give me a birthing ball which was too small for her. I had planned on driving over to hers to collect it on the Monday. Whilst in hospital on the Monday I sent a text to another of the mums to ask her to tell this woman I wouldn't be round as I was in hospital. Then this woman told everyone in the group. I discovered this on the Tuesday and was so angry that everyone knew. I was ashamed.
I didn't even want my OH to tell my parents I was in hospital. He did tell them and they rushed over to see me. But I was ashamed that they knew. Like I couldn't do this privately.
None of the drugs to induce me worked. Although I did have some contractions they were mild. I was willing it to start happening. I really wanted pain. Couldn't believe at the time I was thinking that.
I was also feeling guilty and afraid. On the Tuesday night they said they'd break my waters on Wed morning if nothing had happened over night.
I had just convinced my OH to go home because I needed him to get a good night's sleep so that he could be of help to me on the Wed when obviously I'd been told I was going to go in to labour with them breaking the waters, when the midwife came to tell me that I was going to be moved upstairs to the post-natal ward because they needed the delivery room. I was scared about being moved because I was being monitored in the delivery room and I needed to hear my baby's heartbeat or else I would go into a panic. But the midwife said it couldn't be helped and as soon as there was a bed available upstairs I'd be moved.
My OH stayed with me then until they came for me. The midwife said it would be about an hour. So I felt it wasn't worth me going to sleep to be disturbed again so stayed awake even though I was really tired and scared about the morning and convinced that I needed to sleep in order to be able to cope with labour the next day.
Eventually at midnight someone came to get me and we went upstairs. I remember the woman saying to me to get a good night's sleep now and I was very angry and kind-of shouted at her that it was too late for that now as it was past midnight. I was in a bed at the end of the post-natal ward. All night there was babies crying and I was petrified about my baby. No-one came to monitor me so I didn't know if the baby was OK and they hadn't given me a button to call anyone so I couldn't get a nurse. I couldn't call out as I was too scared to open my mouth. Hearing other babies when I didn't know if my baby was fine was the worst thing. I hated all those babies and mums for knowing their babies were safe. Even now I'm crying about that. They knew I had ante-natal depression and they shouldn't have left me on that ward without monitoring or a call button.
I don't know how much I slept that night. But I was up again about 6am and went for a walk. I couldn't go outside - I was in my pyjamas and it was very cold in early March. So I just walked down the stairs and sat in the waiting room on my own. I was petrified of having my waters broken. I rang my friend from the payphone in the waiting room to tell her to come and take me home. But being so early in the morning there was no answer from her house. So I just sat there on my own crying. I wanted to run away.
Eventually I calmed down and realised that I couldn't be upset or angry as my baby was going to be born that day and I wanted the day my baby was born to be a happy one. So I went back up to the ward. A nurse came along to my bed at some point to tell me that I could go for breakfast in the dining room or whatever it was called further along the ward. I was still feeling immense hatred of other mums and babies and didn't want to go there as I thought I'd have to look at babies or hear about them.
I think I asked if someone could bring me something and then broke down about not being monitored. This was obviously a different staff rota and she sorted out a monitor straight away and said they'd not been told to monitor me. Heard the baby's heartbeat so felt reassured. And someone did bring me some toast I think.
My OH came in and he was also so angry - he'd obviously been stewing over night too. I then had to calm him down which annoyed me - I shouldn't have had to do that. He should have just been there to reassure me and all that. As I said I just wanted it to be a happy day without any anger.
Early that morning I had yet another internal examination and then they said I wasn't dilated enough to have my waters broken and the safest thing was to have a c-section. They pretended it was our choice but it was no choice. On the paperwork it is shown as an elected caesarean but I don't like that. I didn't have a choice and as I'd had a haemorrhage I think it should be listed as an emergency. The hospital just does it to make their figures look good regardless of the effect it has on anyone's mental well-being. And it should stop. There should be a 3rd category if they don't want it to be called an emergency.
When I filled in a feedback form after the birth I said about that and about putting women who haven't had their babies on to post-natal wards. That should stop too. It is extremely cruel. Yeah, I know the NHS has no money, blah blah blah. But you'd think they'd figure out the mental trauma it might cause especially to someone suffering from ante-natal depression.
So me and OH talked about it and agreed a c-section was for the best. And then I was told I couldn't eat because of the op.
I still feel guilty in some ways for having a c-section. I have always - since being a teenager and first finding out about giving birth - been scared of the process. So I was kind-of relieved that I wouldn't have to go through it but felt so guilty for being relieved. And even though I was relieved I felt I ought to wait to give birth properly. I kind of thought that labour wasn't happening because the baby wasn't ready and therefore I should wait. I've never told anyone that I have this guilty relief thing.
I waited all day and occasionally someone would come to say that the surgery was busy so I couldn't have the op yet. At some point I was dry shaved - humiliating and painful! And later the anaesthetist came to put a thing in my hand for the drip. I am really useless at medical names.
That thing in my hand was very painful for the rest of the day.
Eventually at around 7pm they came to get me for surgery. I was the very last one in the theatre - as they wheeled me out after the op they were turning off the lights.
Anyone getting ahead here.
My OH was taken off to get ready to go in to theatre - all the hygiene stuff and green clothes he had to put on. So I was on my own with a crowd of people round me - if that makes sense.
I told them that the thing in my hand was hurting - oh yeah just remembered I still had one in my right hand anyway from the Monday. So they realised the new one in the left hand had been put in wrong and that was why it was hurting. I had just assumed a big tube in your hand would hurt and hadn't complained earlier. Stupid - should have said and they would have sorted it out hours earlier.
So they decided to take both out and put a new one in my right hand. And I had people on my left dealing with taking one out and people on my right dealing with taking one out and putting a new one in. It was just too much and I started crying. The midwife stepped in and I asked her to get them to do it one at a time. So they just did. So simple.
Actually all the theatre staff were great. Whilst I was waiting for the op they all came over one at a time and introduced themselves to me and explained what they would be doing. I didn't take much in but it made me feel like a person as they spoke to me rather than like a something that they had to do and cut open.
The c-section was surreal. They give me a spinal-block. The first time he tried I was tense but he calmed me and I managed to relax and it was fine. Spinal blocks are weird. I could still sense my body but couldn't feel anything. The anaesthetist put an ice cube on my shoulder which was ooooh as ice cubes are then he put it on my tummy and I couldn't feel it even though I could see it there. So weird. Then my OH came in. He was so scared I could see it in his eyes. But he was being there for me and it was soothing.
The screen went up and the anaesthetist was fantastic. He was talking to me and reassuring me. And then he went to walk away for a moment and I said "don't go!" as he was the only person helping me at that time and I was scared to be alone.
Then I heard a baby cry! I couldn't believe it was my baby or even that it was a baby. Then it cried again and I had an overwhelming flood of joy.
The midwife asked if my OH wanted to see the baby. And he looked at me to make sure that was OK for him to leave me and for him to see the baby first. That was a lovely thing to do - to check with me. I said YES! Was desperate for one of us to see the little one and check everything was OK. He was gone for mere seconds and rushed back to tell me we had a baby BOY! So relieved and excited. Boy or girl didn't matter to either of us. Our boy was cleaned up and photos taken. Hubby helped to dress him in baby clothes we'd bought and wrapped him up and brought him to me. He was (and still is) beautiful! Of course! I couldn't move but they laid him next to my head and I kissed him xxxx
I still feel a bit guilty that I didn't see him when just born and didn't get to have him naked on my chest and all that. But in rational moments I don't think it could be helped at the time.
Was wheeled out of theatre into the recovery room and was there for ages with whoever staffs that bit - midwife? nurse? I've no idea. LO had his first breastfeed there. He just latched on and seemed fine. All down to him.
I'll stop now on a happy note. Feeling elated right now just like that day.
It was an awful 3 days mentally but we had our gorgeous baby boy at the end of it. It is a cliche to say it was worth it. And of course it was worth it because of our boy. But it should have happened differently and I still feel that. I know from reading on here that my experience wasn't so dreadful as some and I feel guilty for that too. Guilty that I should ask for understanding and sympathy when others were in pain for days, when I only had mental stress and fear. So I'm sorry for that. But please understand.
I need to sleep now though in order to get through tomorrow.
I've never told anyone all of the above about the birth. Finally after 20 months managing to say it here might help me to let go of those feelings.
I'll go back to bed now and just remember the happy bit at the end when I first heard and then saw our little boy. xx
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Post by Scarlet on Nov 21, 2007 8:43:19 GMT
Flobob,
When I filled in a feedback form after the birth I said about that and about putting women who haven't had their babies on to post-natal wards. That should stop too. It is extremely cruel. Yeah, I know the NHS has no money, blah blah blah. But you'd think they'd figure out the mental trauma it might cause especially to someone suffering from ante-natal depression
I remember when I was due to deliver my first (in Germany), they put me in a ward with mums who had their babies with them. After I had my son, two other women came into the ward, one with pre-eclamsia (6 months pregnant) and another with other complications, which was totally wrong and cruel for these ladies. I mentioned it to the nurses that they shouldn't do this, but it fell on deaf ears.
Hope you had a good night sleep after you wrote this hun.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 21, 2007 13:07:54 GMT
It took me a long time to get off to sleep after writing. But I think I got about 3 hours sleep in the end. When I got up and went in to LO's room he immediately remembered his toy car and motorbike and cried until I let him out of the room to fetch them. How do they remember stuff so well? I always find it amazing.
Today I am feeling so much better. Able to get on with some work and actually feel normal.
Oh, Scarlet, it happens in Germany too. Probably everywhere. Just want to go bang their heads together whoever it is that just doesn't think and makes these decisions. That was very brave of you to speak up in the hospital.
Going to carry on working now. But just wanted to update on a happy day.
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Post by winegirl on Nov 21, 2007 16:54:15 GMT
Glad you are having a good one hun, hope it continued this afternoon?
WG x
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 23, 2007 6:20:34 GMT
Hello winegirl The afternoon was good. But LO got very upset around 6pm and screamed and cried virtually non-stop for 2 hours. It was very upsetting. He wouldn't take his milk and wouldn't let me comfort him. In the end I took him for a drive to get him off to sleep.
Last night I felt normal again and stayed up to watch TV. I realised this morning that I haven't done that for ages. I sometimes want to watch something but realise that if I do I'll have to go to bed late and I can't risk not getting enough sleep. So it was nice for me to feel normal enough to stay up to the late hour of 10pm!!! wooo!
I actually feel good enough now to update on the Self-help CBT thread that I started a while back. So while I have time, I'll do that.
FloBob
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Post by winegirl on Nov 23, 2007 19:32:51 GMT
Hi Flobob,
10pm is late! I always want ti stop up late, but even if I feel awake enough too, I am also terrified of the state i will be in if i dont ket enough kip!
Is LO ok now? I have just had two hours of constant crying myself so OH has taken her up to bed to see if that works. Tough isnt it?
Thinking of you x
WG xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 25, 2007 3:52:19 GMT
Hello I've had a terrible day. So much upset and arguments with my OH. He's only home for 2 days and today we hardly saw each other. He was so horrible to me today. Can't write about it now.
But little one got me up at 1.30am to do a wee on his potty! So I'm feeling a whole lot better. Just can't sleep. But it was worth being woken for wee on potty!
I am going to get some work done instead ... because I didn't do it last week. And that usually makes me feel like my old self. And maybe I'll sleep tomorrow.
FloBob
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Nov 25, 2007 3:55:39 GMT
Hello Winegirl
Wasn't concentrating - yes LO is fine now, thank you. He was overtired - that was the problem. Hope your LO settled for your OH and you got some peace too.
Bye, FloBob
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Post by winegirl on Nov 25, 2007 14:03:06 GMT
Hi Flobob
Sorry you are having a tough time with OH, I really hope you can sort it soon xx
Glad LO is ok, they ar such a worry (and a pain!) sometimes. Great news about the potty training! I have all this to come...
Love WG x
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clarey
Senior Member
Posts: 327
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Post by clarey on Nov 27, 2007 21:14:03 GMT
Sorry you had an awful day with your OH. I am in the pits too at the moment.
Hope things are ok now, Hugs, Clarex
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Post by Scarlet on Nov 28, 2007 8:05:34 GMT
Sorry about your rotten day with OH Flobob, but well done to your little man for weeing in his potty.... Yay!!!!
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 1, 2007 6:53:26 GMT
I have been feeling so low all week. Couldn't write in here because the things I was feeling were wrong so couldn't be honest.
I always feel like I have to prove I am ill. Like my problems are not important enough to warrant sympathy or understanding. I was feeling that way again this week. I know that the things which upset me are not the cause of this illness but that because I am ill these things seem so much more unbearable. And little things that wouldn't have upset me at all before I had PNI are now enormous obstacles and not just upsetting but destroying.
I have tried so hard to get better.
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Post by Jay on Dec 1, 2007 7:53:55 GMT
Hi saw you was online this morning and tried to pm you. Sorry we missed each other, you sounded like you could have done with a chat.
You can be honest on the site and say how you feel. Talking helps, and might release some of the stress of keeping it all in. You do not have to prove to us that you are ill. You are important and we care. Things are a struggle when we are not well, and the days seem so long and exhusting.
I know you are trying really hard to get well. I wish I could give you a HUG. I send you my love Jay xx
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Post by winegirl on Dec 1, 2007 12:06:42 GMT
Hi Flobob
I am so sorry you have had such a bad week. Please do not be concerned that what you write here may be seen as being wrong. We have all been there hun and know its just the damn PNI doing this to you.
How are you doing today hun?
WG x
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