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Post by Scarlet on Dec 1, 2007 13:59:36 GMT
Awww Flobob, I'm so sorry that you had a crappy week.
Are you under a bit of stress at home hun with your OH, perhaps due to some lack of understanding/empathy ? (you don't have to say anything if you don't want), could this have contributed to your rotten week?.
Regardless of the the reason, it's a blip hun and it will pass. You are feeling like you are because you are vulnerable and thus picking up negative emotions like a sponge, but it will disappear soon and you will get back on track. It may seem like you have gone back a couple of steps when you were doing so well ~ but this is far from the case, you are continually moving forward. I had plenty of them, sometimes they lasted a day, sometimes a week, sometimes a couple of weeks, but they always went and when they did I was a wee bit stronger each time, although sometimes I never knew this becasue the improvement was very minute and often appeared unnoticeable.
You are VERY important Flobob, never forget that hun... & and you will get well again, please know this. And we are here for you if you need to offload anything.
You are not alone
Hugs and I hope the weekend is better for you
Love
Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 4, 2007 21:30:19 GMT
Hello Thank you all for your kind thoughts I've been really rough just lately and just couldn't write on here. I can only really write on here when I'm feeling fine or just a little low. On really bad days I can't bear talking to anyone and that includes talking on here. But I did come and have a look and saw what you'd said. So thank you for helping me. Thank you for telling me that I'm important. I had a major breakthrough today! A lot of my bad thoughts focus around the fact that I can't do this motherhood stuff and that I'm a bad mum. But I have confidence in my work and ability there. Well today I was thinking "I can't cope, I'm a bad mum" and then I realised for the first time that I have been doing this for 21 months (very nearly!!) now and I have coped and a lot of the time I coped on my own whilst OH was working away. Wow! It was like an epiphany! I'm going to keep saying that to myself - "you have coped for 21 months and you'll keep on doing fine". I also phoned my mother-in-law tonight. We're going there for Xmas which I have been dreading - long story about OH's family which I won't go in to right now. But I have been thinking that they're only polite to me so that they get to see their grandson. I rang her tonight to ask if there was anything she'd like us to bring with us for - like food or crackers or whatever. And I also rang my OH's brother. I haven't spoken to him all year since my OH told me that his brother and wife had banned me from their home. I've always wanted, right from the start of the problem, to clear the air. But my OH said it wasn't worth talking to them as it would never get better. And in my head it has been so awful. All this hatred from them coming at me when I didn't do anything wrong at all. So I plucked up the courage. And BIL was fine with me. He sounded genuinely pleased to hear from me! And even better when I told my OH that I'd rung his mum and brother he said how brave I was to do that. He UNDERSTOOD! Right now I want to go to bed and sleep. Night night! FloBob zzzzz
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Post by Jay on Dec 5, 2007 6:01:33 GMT
Hi
You did well yesterday. You have sorted some things in your mind, and losing these worries will be a help to gettting better as well.
Other people don't always understand PNI, and it is them that are frightened of it. It is there problem really, but instead of asking us about it, they come across as uninterested and unsympathetic. My sister was asking me things on Monday about my therapy etc, then I noticed that she suddenly got all funny, and for the first time I think she felt a bit scared and out of her depth at listening to me. I have never really talked to her about how I feel . She could not cope and clammed up. At first I thought what a cow she was, not to even listen to me. But I thought about it afterwards, and perhaps feel different. She is also trying to make Christmas stress free for me, so I suppose she cares really.
I hope you slept well. Come online and talk when you want and feel able to.
Well done you for making the phone calls, and for thinking and writing.....
Well today I was thinking "I can't cope, I'm a bad mum" and then I realised for the first time that I have been doing this for 21 months (very nearly!!) now and I have coped and a lot of the time I coped on my own whilst OH was working away. Wow! It was like an epiphany!
I'm going to keep saying that to myself - "you have coped for 21 months and you'll keep on doing fine".
You will get there. Lots of hugs Jay xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 7, 2007 4:57:09 GMT
Hello Cheers for your encouragement Jay. And you're right, I can see that not understanding makes people run away. And then I don't help because I push them away too. I open up a little bit maybe on one day and then next time I'm either in denial about PNI and don't want to talk or I'm feeling so bad that I can't talk. So I'm definitely sending out mixed messages.
I'm still feeling good though 2 days later. Even though I'm up in the middle of the night. This is just my usual not sleeping (been like this all my life) rather than PNI-not-sleeping. Hehehe, I'm actually really happy because I feel normal again. As normal as someone who doesn't mind working in the middle of the night can be!
I know it is early days. And I am apt to declare (in my head) that I'm better now and then I have a setback. So this time I'm not doing that at all. I'm just taking it a day at a time and saying my new mantra to myself a lot and smiling a lot about still feeling good.
I still have the CBT assessment coming up on 17 Dec, and an appointment with the psychiatrist on 13 Dec. So I'm going to keep those. I'm really hoping that the CBT assessor won't tell me I'm fine and don't need any. Because I think that might cause me to go backwards. And also because I think that will really help me now because I'm so nearly better. But even that worry isn't spiralling out of control in my head as it was a couple of weeks ago.
Goodnight xx FloBob
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Post by Jay on Dec 7, 2007 6:13:10 GMT
Hi Flo
Your post has just made me smile. I am so pleased you feel a bit better.
I tried to catch you for a chat again as I too was up [from 2.30 for me], but then noticed you were off line again.
Take care you, keep those apts, and grab the help. The CBT is for coping in the future as well as now, and helping with strategies. You will get stronger and be well.
Your little one did sleep well that night 4pm to 6am I think you said, savour all those little breaks, they will help you to rest and enjoy the nice things in life.
Love Jay xx
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Post by Scarlet on Dec 7, 2007 9:12:27 GMT
Hiya Flobob,
I open up a little bit maybe on one day and then next time I'm either in denial about PNI and don't want to talk or I'm feeling so bad that I can't talk. So I'm definitely sending out mixed messages.
This was exactly the same with me, it's because we are constantly up and down. It can't be helped though hun.
I'm still feeling good though 2 days later. Even though I'm up in the middle of the night. This is just my usual not sleeping (been like this all my life) rather than PNI-not-sleeping. Hehehe, I'm actually really happy because I feel normal again. As normal as someone who doesn't mind working in the middle of the night can be!
Yay! you are doing so well Flobob, even if you have a few wobblies, you can be confident that you are well on the road to recovery girlie.
I know it is early days. And I am apt to declare (in my head) that I'm better now and then I have a setback.
Oooooo I know what you mean, if you look back at my earlier posts I was the same, I got a bit over-confident and cocky sometimes after a good day, only to be knocked back a bit the next.
I still have the CBT assessment coming up on 17 Dec, and an appointment with the psychiatrist on 13 Dec. So I'm going to keep those. I'm really hoping that the CBT assessor won't tell me I'm fine and don't need any. Because I think that might cause me to go backwards. And also because I think that will really help me now because I'm so nearly better. But even that worry isn't spiralling out of control in my head as it was a couple of weeks ago.
I think you will benefit more from CBT whilst feeling like you are, and it will be the best time to have it. I'm sure it will help you get rid of the last niggly 10% or so which is the hardest to shift (imho).
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 10, 2007 21:55:37 GMT
Hello Scarlet I hope the CBT person thinks that I'll benefit now and not just tick me off as fine and not let me do the course. It's now Monday night and I had my revelations last Tuesday and I'm still fine. Had a few upsetting times over the weekend with OH. But I am fine. In fact I feel good that our arguments were just arguments and I was just annoyed in a normal way and not a PNI way. Does that make sense? I know what I mean anyway! I was able to just see the current situation and not go into a spiral of negativity and total meltdown. The problem now is my relationship with my OH. I don't know if I've said before but at the end of last year, around Xmas time, he told me that he didn't want to hear any more about my depression and emotions. I tried so hard not to talk to him about it because he couldn't cope. But around March time I asked him to think again because I knew that when I got better I would resent him for not supporting me emotionally and resent him for making me get better on my own. I knew I would get better even then, it's a shame it has taken most of the year. I know I'm not 100% there yet but this is the closest I've been. Anyway last Monday was when the resentment kicked in. I didn't do it on purpose. It just came into my head. I have supported him so much over the past 10 years which is when he left work to re-train. It's been hard on us both, I know. But it didn't matter. I love him so much, and would do anything to make him happy. And hated seeing him so low when he was made redundant and stuff like that. I didn't put any pressure on him and tried to help as much as I could. Then when I need it he just hasn't been there emotionally. I don't blame him for working away - that can't be helped. I was trying to talk to him about this today (he was off work because he wasn't well). Ooooh, I was so honest with him! I told him that I'd thought about getting a divorce. And that I thought he was having sex with someone else (I'm still unsure about that ... he hardly bothered to deny it!). I said I know that I need to get past the resentment I have for him, but I don't know how I'm going to do it. I really want to though. His parents stayed together in an awful marriage and he had a miserable childhood because of it. I'm not putting myself through that. If we don't love each other and make each other happy then we need to be apart. Trouble is I think he's happy enough following his parents example - of not talking and eventually it will all be OK again. It took his parents 20 years to be fine together! When I first knew him and would go round to his house, you could cut the atmosphere with a knife. I suggested tonight that we try to get some counselling with Relate. They have a phone service for people who aren't in the same place. I think that would suit us - obviously I have to be at home in the evenings with LO and he's working away. Anyway OH is not sure about that. He thinks it is defeatist - like saying we've reached the end. But I think it is a good thing - that we're saying it's bad but we both want it to get better. He's promised to look at their website and then we'll talk about it again. I know I'm nearly better but I think I might keep coming back here because I still need some outlet and support. It's only been a week that I've been feeling good. And in fact I have had longer periods of being "up", but this time I've also had positive thoughts about me which hasn't happened before. It was more that the "up" was because I wasn't thinking at all. And now I just keep repeating the positive thoughts to myself. I'm just rambling on again. LO and OH have both been ill this weekend with colds. LO was actually sick a couple of times. It seems that always happens when he's got a sore throat - causes him to throw up. I hope he grows out of it! Last night OH was putting LO to bed and I could hear LO screaming. So I came up to ask if OH wanted any help because I know how hard it is to comfort LO when he's got that far and how hard it is when you're trying to do it alone. OH said he didn't know (whether he wanted help), but I stayed in the room anyway and LO did cuddle me, but that was only because he likes it when someone new comes in almost as if he's saying "you have made me cry, but new person is nice"! And between us we did settle him down. Then this morning LO woke up quite late but OH was still asleep. I left him to sleep and went in to LO and he was OK-ish, bit grouchy but not too bad. I washed him and got him dressed and went downstairs for breakfast. He'd been doing a bit of crying and moaning upstairs but when we got downstairs he just went mad and was screaming and crying again. I thought he was hungry so quickly got breakfast ready and we sat at the table. LO kept crying "poo" and I was trying to take him out of the highchair but every time I went near him he'd scream as if I was murdering him and wouldn't let me undo the straps to take him out. He wouldn't eat though. This went on for a while and eventually I got him out of the highchair and stormed upstairs to our bedroom. Said to my OH "I don't know how you can live with yourself!" He said "what, what?" all sleepy like he'd just been woken up - as if! With a toddler screaming blue murder in the house! I pointed out that when he'd had to deal with LO's screaming the night before I'd offered to help and he should do the same for me. But he's so selfish - as long as he gets his rest it doesn't matter about me. He said I should have asked for his help instead of coming in and shouting at him. Oh well, I know this is just normal selfish-man syndrome and my reaction is also nothing to do with PNI. Goodnight xx FloBob
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Post by Jay on Dec 11, 2007 4:08:32 GMT
Hi I see you are up and online at this silly time of the morning too. I'm watching the film Sleepless in Seattle!!!! My PM bit is not working or I would ask if you want to chat. But I just thought I would say Hi, Jay xx
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 13, 2007 0:42:40 GMT
Hello Jay I've missed you again! So sorry, I'm just not aware. Very apt film - did it help?
Here I am again in the middle of the night. LO woke around 11.30pm and of course I can't get back to sleep. Going to do some work actually but just popped by here first for some reassurance. Don't know what I need reassurance on but just feeling a bit lost. It's like I'm 2-years-old and need constant reassurance and encouragement.
I know I'm getting better because I've had a few trials this week which would normally have set me back, but I'm still feeling fine.
Anyway I'm going to get on with some work.
FloBob
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Post by Jay on Dec 13, 2007 4:38:17 GMT
Hi Flobob,
Here I am again in the middle of the night. I can write the same as you, except I woke at about 2.45am and know there will be no more sleep. I too need reassurance and I feel safe being online here.
Perhaps we could start up an all night business?? Could we get double time pay for the night work?
If I did anything now I could do the ironing, but not sure I want to at this unearthy hour.
Anyway Keep plodding. We will sleep again one day. Jay xx
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Post by Scarlet on Dec 14, 2007 9:59:29 GMT
I know I'm getting better because I've had a few trials this week which would normally have set me back, but I'm still feeling fine.
Glad to hear this hun, you've come a long way.
Hope LO and OH are over their colds now.
Love Scarlet X
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 17, 2007 9:07:01 GMT
Very stressed today. Don't know where to start. Haha, Jay, I think we'd have quite a few takers on here for our night-time business. What could we do? Is there any use for tears? Maybe we could collect them and solve the world's water shortage? Thank you Scarlet. LO and OH still have colds. And I got it too last week. Drat that child. He woke every night last week when I was on my own with him. Then at the weekend when OH was home to get up for him, he was much more settled at night. I just want my OH to know what I have to deal with. I have an appointment this morning at 11am for a CBT assessment. I can't even think about it. My mind won't let me think. On Thursday this week, me and LO are getting the train down to Poole to stay with OH until Xmas Eve and then we're all 3 of us going to his parents for 2 days. I agreed to go there for Xmas because my brother and his wife are coming to UK for Xmas in 2008!!!! They live in USA and we don't see them very often. So I thought as next year would definitely be with my family I ought to be fair and let them see LO this year. And going by train means we don't have 2 cars down there. And last time I drove it took me hours and I was exhausted. At least on the train I will get to sit down and do nothing aside from entertain LO and hopefully the moving scenery will do that for him. But the whole thing is just seeming overwhelming. My OH is taking our stuff in his car when he goes back to Poole tonight. So we won't have loads to carry. But packing for going away when I'm not going for another 4 days is difficult. I don't even have enough pairs of socks or knickers to pack for 6 days and have 4 pairs left over to wear before I go. Something as simple as packing clothes is confusing me. And that is upsetting me. You'd think I was trying to organise something really complicated. I hate being so confused by something that is not difficult. It reminds me that I used to be able to do stuff like this. I will be going out in about an hour. Just killing time now before I go. But I do have work to do, so maybe I should just get on with it. I generally feel better when I work because it is something that I can do. But I think there's too much in my head to be able to concentrate. FloBob
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Post by winegirl on Dec 17, 2007 9:12:35 GMT
Hi Flobob
I really hope the CBT appt goes ok for you hun x I find that when i have these things lined up it is best not to stress about them before getting there if I can and just get on with it. Having said that I have lots of appts this week as follows: Today at 11.30 - opticians, Tomorrow at 08.30 - Mental Health appt, Wed at 08.30 - Smear, Wed at 10.00 am dentist, Fri at 11.00 am - hair cut.
So I am stressing about ALL of these! But at least they will be out of the way soon!
Have a lovely time in Poole hun (I LOVE Poole). I too cant do simple things these days like pack an overnight bag and it is frustrating. I find i just let it take a day to get packed to take a bit of pressure off.
I hope you have a lovely time babes, and am sure we will catch up with you soon xxx
WG x
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Post by Scarlet on Dec 17, 2007 9:26:49 GMT
I have an appointment this morning at 11am for a CBT assessment. I can't even think about it. My mind won't let me think.You will be fine hun and I'm thinking about you. Pack when you come back, besides you can always buy spare pairs of knickers in Poole, I'm sure they have an M&S there
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flobob
Senior Member
Posts: 357
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Post by flobob on Dec 17, 2007 10:13:07 GMT
Thank you both. I'm going out in 5 mins to get to my appointment. So just had a quick look here and it was so nice to see you'd written back so soon. I needed that little boost before going out.
You're right - I will buy more clothes in Poole. And I did think of that but that was stressing me too - the cost! the effort! having to go into town when we could be doing something else!
I will pack when I get home later today.
I plucked up the courage to tell my husband where I was going just 30 mins ago, after getting a private message from Jay (thank you Jay) and he wished me luck with it. Ahhh. It just bothers me that he can only be kind when I force him into it.
Right, must go now.
Another thing stressing me is that I'm away for 6 days and won't be able to come on here if I need to.
FloBob
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