FloBob's Diary

[winegirl]

We will be here when you h=get back flobob and thinking of you in the meantime x

Have a lovely time x

WG xxx

[flobob]

The CBT assessment was awful. I now have to wait for 4 months to do a computer programme called "Beat the Blues" at their offices. But talking about this stuff today has set me back.

It seems to me that the assessment was just a waste of time. It doesn't make any difference how you're feeling you still can't see a therapist. Instead I get to use a computer which will be a substitute for talking to someone. And as talking to people is difficult for me this will just be another reason for me not to do so, and being pessimistic just now, will probably make me more insular.

The waiting list to see a therapist is 18 months. It's ridiculous. And not fair. And not enough.

I also told the woman that I had moved and so now she knows and will probably tell me I have to stop going there. She did say she'd check on that at the end of the session but I didn't remind her because I didn't want to hear any bad news.

I was so stressed today. So uptight and emotional. This is all too much for me.

On the way back from the appointment I stopped at a Tesco Local to buy some sandwiches for my lunch and lost my car keys. I managed to keep it together but I felt so lost myself and just wanted to sit down and cry until someone looked after me. I looked through my handbag 3 times and all my pockets. Had just phoned my OH to tell him to come and get me when I saw the keys by the door to the shop. The relief was unbelievable.

Then this afternoon me and LO went to a Xmas party that another mum had invited us to. I was a complete wreck whilst there. So over-anxious and not talking. And when I got home I just shouted at my OH again. This time for no reason except that I was stressed. And then cried.

OH has now gone back to Poole.

I don't know what to say. I've got so much to do before going away on Thursday. The thought of it all is overwhelming me. And the thought of not being able to get on here if I need to for 6 days is too much. And having to go to OH's parents for Xmas. I just want to run away. I keep thinking that I'll run away when I go through London on the train. Or that I'll leave LO at the station for OH to find him but I won't be there.

I was doing so well. Talking today has upset me so much. I just can't stop crying. And the thought that this isn't the start of anything. Why?

I'm so tired so I'm going to go to bed and hopefully sleep. And hopefully feel better in the morning.

I want to say so much more and just get rid of all these thoughts. But I also want to sleep.

Goodnight. Flobob.

[winegirl]

Hi Flobob

You are bound to feel like this after such a stressful day. get yourself an early one tonight and start tomorrow afresh. I lnow what you mean about the CBT, i have also been offered to do it on the pc and i am not overly impressed either i can tell you.

You still have a couple of days before going away so try not to put too much on yourself. You cant do everything so just do what is really necessary and sod the rest!

I really hope tomorrow is better for you hun x

WG x

[Scarlet]

Awww Flobob,

I hope you got some sleep hun.

I'm so sorry about the CBT appt. What did they say, and what do they mean about doing it on-line? 18 months wait for a therapist is ridiculous, and you are right it is not enough... I think it didn't help because you were already stressed before you went.

Your trip to Tescos reminded me on how I was early on this year as well. I actually lost the keys to my sisters house because I was so anxious and upset. I couldn't think straight and my mind was racing.

I don't know what to say. I've got so much to do before going away on Thursday. The thought of it all is overwhelming me. And the thought of not being able to get on here if I need to for 6 days is too much. And having to go to OH's parents for Xmas. I just want to run away. I keep thinking that I'll run away when I go through London on the train. Or that I'll leave LO at the station for OH to find him but I won't be there.

I have felt like this and it's becasue your mind is racing at 100mph with all the things you have to do and can't, together with what's gone on, who said what and 'am I ever gonna get well again' you are trying tomake sense of everything, and there's just too much to take in, and so you are left you feeling crap and anxious.

Try to get everything done in small chunks if you can and remember 6 days isnt long, so it doesn't matter if you forget to pack anything, so what if you have to wear the same knickers two days in a row . In a couple of weeks it'll all be over, there'll be a new year and you'll be back on track and back to some semblense of normality.

You are doing so well Flobob hun and this is a stressful time for you, that together with the disappointment of the CBT appt. you are having a little blip ~! but it will pass I promise you.

Love and hugs

Scarlet
X

[flobob]

I've got a rash all over this morning. I'm not sure if I've been bitten, or if I've caused it by stressing so much yesterday or if I've actually got some disease. Which I know sounds melodramatic. I was hoping it was chicken pox so that I wouldn't have to go away for Xmas.

LO is with my parents today so I'll be able to do whatever. I had originally planned to get lots of work done. But I think instead I'm going to clean the house. I hate coming home to a messy and dirty house after being away. It stresses me that I have been away (and potentially come home relaxed and refreshed, although doubt it this time) and then have loads to do. So I think I'll do that today and it will help me because I'll be doing something physical and beating up the cushions and stuff will be therapeutic.

I'm tired. And I have a headache - both inside and outside. It actually feels like I've been banging my head against a brickwall and it is all bruised.

I've been trying so hard to get better. Actually just planning to do something like the cleaning today and writing on here has calmed me down.

Thank you for listening to me and telling me such sensible stuff.

[Scarlet]

Where's the rash hun? Could it be shingles? I remember long before I had PNI I suffered for a week or so due to some stress, the rash was on my chest and back..it's usually on the nerve endings. If your rash is on your arms and legs then it won't be.

Anyways hun, get your packing and the housework done. I hate coming home to an untidy house as well, so I know what you mean. It's good that your parents are looking after your LO for a while.

We are always here to listen Flobob.

Love and hugs

Scarlet
X

[flobob]

Thank you again Scarlet.
The rash is on my bum (!!! lovely scratching my bum!), on my tummy, on my arms around the wrist and round the top part and on my legs below the knees and I think behind my ears too. OK so not all over, I was exagerating! Not on purpose, just being melodramatic. I don't think it is anything serious. And probably just caused through too much stress. Trouble is I've not had any physical symptoms as such before, apart from headaches, tiredness. And I don't want to start getting them now.

I've cleaned half the house - just downstairs. So that is a good start. I'll do upstairs tomorrow.

The packing is already done as OH took it with him last night. I'll just need to take a few extras in a small bag on the train with me, so that pressure has gone too.

I'm feeling a lot calmer at the moment. I have work to do but have decided to put it off until tomorrow.

I had an email today from a publishing company - I had forgotten to write the monthly article for them which is something I do. Completely forgotten. Partly due to all this PNI stuff that's happening in my head. But also because I was doing other stuff for them work-wise and this slipped my brain. Anyway I got in to a complete state about that, but knew I had to phone the Chairman of the company who employ me to write the article (amongst other things) and apologise for not doing it. Almost straight away he said "don't worry, we just won't have a column in January issue". He was so relaxed about it. What a great guy. Immediately the pressure about that went away. He knows I have PNI (I told him when he offered me the role as I thought it only fair to give him warning that I might not be very good at the job all the time due to PNI, but in honesty I'm good at work and can function normally).

I've 1.5 hours until I collect LO and as I didn't wash this morning (couldn't find the energy! Did wash LO but washing myself whilst he's causing trouble in the bathroom is beyond me some days) I'm going to have a relaxing bath now and then I have a load of stuff to drop off at the charity shop - my good deed for the day.

I sound smeggy today - not washing and scratching my bum - lovely! At least you can't smell me when you talk to me on here.

Thank you again for listening to me. Don't know what I'd do without this space to vent.

FloBob

[Scarlet]

Flobob, sounds like a washing powder rash to me .

Glad you got your house tidied (well half of it). The rest can wait til tomorrow, so put your feet up for a while ~ you did great.

Hope you had a relaxing bath and now the pressures off with the article, you can 'enjoy' your Xmas holiday without that worry hanging over you. It was very kind of you to drop your stuff off at the charity shop despite feeling crappy.

Hugs to you and I hope you have a less stressful evening.

Scarlet
X

[winegirl]

LOL Flobob! Smeggy indeed! To be honest I have days when i cant remember if I have washed or not! Always spending so much time trying to keep little one prestine and clean kinda forget about myself!

Hope you had a lovely bath and feel a bit more chilled about things now hun x

WG x

[Jay]

Hi Flobob

just been reading about your day yesterday and about how you feel.

Hows your rash now?

Do the people you are staying with have a computer you could use to get online to us?

Is it Poole in Dorset you are going to.
I use to live there many years ago. I first started work at Boots the Chemist in the Arndale Centre there. And use to go to school at Herbert Carter in Hamworthy.
we use to call it Sherbert Farter!

I do think that Christmas is a difficult time, there just seems so much to think about and do.

Pm anytime you need to talk.
Or have a good rant on here.

I think we have all had days when we don't wash, and just can't be bothered. We come last. We sort everyone else out then all the energy is gone to sort out ourselves.

Keep plodding, you will get there, and we will be here to help you.

Sleep tight
Jay xx

[flobob]

Well I haven't used a new washing powder. It died down during the day but flared up again this afternoon. I actually think it is stress related. So I'm just going to stop getting so stressed - ha! Just like that! My Dad gave me some anti-histamine tablets so at least that has stopped the itchiness even though the lumpy spots are still there.

I'm feeling a lot better emotionally this evening.

More lost keys today though - lost my house keys this time. My Dad and I have swapped cars because my OH has our car seat in his car in Poole so I have my Dad's car so that I have a car seat. So left my parents house this afternoon and drove home. Got home to find I didn't have any house keys. Rang my Dad to ask him to look for them because I didn't want to just drive back if they weren't there. He couldn't find them. But I thought I'd drive back anyway because I couldn't sit in the car with LO all night and at worst we would have to spend the night at my parents house. So went back there and did find my keys - they had fallen on the floor in my car and were underneath the front passenger seat. I kind of managed to stay a bit calmer about these lost keys. Managed to think it through and reason that I could phone a locksmith to get me in to my house. Aren't I clever, thinking that?

I did do well today didn't I? Just getting busy with the cleaning stopped me sitting down and crying. I really wanted to get the stuff to the charity shop because it has all been hanging around my house since we moved here and now that I tidied up today I finally decided to get it out of the way. So not really a kind thing to do, more selfish - but I was going to give it to charity at some point because I hate waste and throwing good things in the bin.

Yeah, today isn't the first day that I haven't washed either! I'll forgive myself for that.

As you can see from my waffle I am feeling better. It's amazing that we can go through such extremes in one day.

Yes, Jay, it is Poole in Dorset. Sherbet Farter - I like it! I do like Poole - it's a lovely town and we do a lot of walking there and the park is fantastic for LO.

I wrote a plan tonight - called "My Plan To Get Better", here it is:
1. Get an ironing service
2. Get a cleaner
3. Get CBT privately
4. Spend time on myself

So basically throwing lots of money at the problem. It comes from the following reasons:

1. I can only do the ironing at night when LO is in bed, and of course I'm too tired to do it then so it doesn't get done.

2. We have lived here over 2 months now and today is only the second time I've done any cleaning. (Yes, Winegirl, more smegginess! I have cleaned the kitchen each day if I cooked!) So I'm going to admit that I just don't have the time and will pay someone else to do it.

3. I don't think the computer programme will help me enough. I'm already reading through a book and following that and it is so hard when things go wrong to get through them on my own. So I don't think the computer will be enough for me for times when I need someone to talk to. And I really CANNOT wait another 18 months.

4. My OH was saying on the phone tonight that I ought to think about sending LO to nursery another day a week. Currently he goes to my parents on a Tues and to nursery on a Wed. I am refusing to send him away another day. I don't relax when he's not here as I feel guilty for sending him away, so I feel as if I should be doing something important whilst he's away - like work or housework or shopping - basically anything that isn't enjoyable. But I have decided that I'll stop feeling guilty about having time for myself at the weekends. Because I do feel guilty for not spending time with my OH when he's home for only 2 days a week. But if that is the only time I get to myself then I'm going to start having a half-day just for me every weekend.

My OH saw me yesterday for the first time really stressed. He'd never seen me like that before, mostly because he's not around and also because I shield him from the worst and moderate my moods through fear that he'll leave me. Anyway he was really shocked I think which is why he is now trying to come up with solutions to help me - it was him that said about the ironing service and I've just extended it to cleaning as well.

What's the point of him working away which allows him to earn decent money if I am suffering at home. I might as well spend some of that money if it helps me to get better. Ah the clarity tonight!

We'll be in Poole until Xmas Eve staying in the flat that OH's company have got him whilst he works there. And then on Xmas Eve until Boxing Day we'll be at his parents. I can't use the computer there because there's no privacy. Although maybe I can hide in our room as OH has a T-Mobile internet connection thingy. Just knowing that that is a possibility has helped. Thank you Jay because I hadn't thought of that.

Having my OH realise and seem more understanding than he's ever been before has helped me too.

It's getting late so I'm going to go to bed. Oh drat, LO has woken and is crying now ...

[Scarlet]

Hiya Flobob,

Could be stress like you say hun (perhaps not the washing powder since you don't wash lolololololol ;D ), glad the anti-histamines worked though, hope it's less itchy now..

Great that you felt a bit better last night, and that you found your keys phew!!!! lol about the locksmith, see we can think rationally occasionally ;D..glad it was sorted though hun, it put your mind at ease a little, one less thing to worry about.

As you can see from my waffle I am feeling better. It's amazing that we can go through such extremes in one day.
Isn't it just, the ups and downs are the pits...but it does get better

I haven't been to Poole, went to Cornwall a few times, Truro, etc...but never Dorset, it's very nice in theat part of the country though, and I love the windy country roads.

Your plan sounds fab, I wonder how much CBT costs privately. I remember ringing up a therapist when I was in England and he did everything CBT, hypnotherapy, NLP... and I think he was about 35pounds a session. Sounded good though, but I had severe anxiety then and wouldn't leave the house. I would love to go for some hypnotherapy now though.

So hubby agreed with the ironing service did he. Tell him to come and talk to my hubby...I hate ironing (and cleaning as well ).

What's the point of him working away which allows him to earn decent money if I am suffering at home. I might as well spend some of that money if it helps me to get better. Ah the clarity tonight!
Exactly my sentiments!!!

You won't need to get on here over Xmas hun, because you WILL be having some fun. Besides it'll prolly be quiet anyways I would have thought...so no worries you are going to do just fine, and we will be waiting for you when you come back.

Hope you got some sleep.

Hugs
Scarlet
X

[sianyc]

Hi Flobob

A cleaner and an ironer sound just the thing -think you could send them on to me?! Seriously though, if having ironing and cleaning there really stresses you then it's worth spending the money. At last then you can try to enjoy the day more rather than surviving it while worrying about what's not getting done.

What you said about the Xmas party hit a chord with me. I do that too. It's definately a PNI thing for me as I've always been too chatty for my own good and never worried about what anyone thought. I'm proud of you for going - I all too often chicken out x

[flobob]

Hello Sian
I'm not sure that not doing the ironing stresses me as such. That kind of was always hubby's job anyway - mostly his clothes need ironing as I don't go out to work. And as he's away now he's not around to do it but still thinks it should be done and gets aggravated when it isn't. It just bothers me slightly but I'm quite happy to leave it because I really can't do it whilst LO is around - far too dangerous! And am always too tired in the evenings. But not being able to clean the house is horrible - I hate living like this. And I think just by accepting I can't do everything and getting help (as opposed to expecting people to help me for free which would just make me feel guilty too!) will mean that when I am not working I can relax with LO rather than stress about not cleaning because I want to spend time with him.

Thanks for the comment on the Xmas party Actually I've been thinking about that party and remembered that I did actually talk to my friend's husband and looking back I don't think I saw any of the other mums talk to him. I just thought at the time I ought to say something because I was in his house - so I asked him about his Xmas holiday from work and stuff like that. So maybe I wasn't so bad whilst there. And maybe I'm not such a horrible person after all because I do want to be friendly and I do try - if only I could remember that.

Hello Scarlet
The private CBT that I found in September costs £95 per hour. My OH went mad and wouldn't let me do it - "it's a con blah blah blah!" So it is expensive. But I don't care. I just want to get better.

Your message made me laugh today - thank you!

Mad woman that I am I have been up since around 3am. LO woke up with a cry. I'm wondering whether he's having bad dreams because he never used to get so upset waking in the night and would settle himself again no problem. These days he just wants someone with him. If I get to him quickly he'll be fine but if I take too long then he'll be too upset and will be awake for hours. Today I got there in time and he was asleep again in minutes. But I was awake and as I have loads to do today before we leave I came on the computer instead of going back to bed.

I did my last bit of work, which took me 2 hours. But at least its done and I won't be worrying about letting people down whilst I'm away.

I've still got the last bit of packing to do. And to wrap a final Xmas present! And to put out the bins and pop next door to ask my neighbour to bring it in again when its been emptied - won't do that right now though!

I am feeling OK again. This blip was really short-lived. So that's a good thing. I forced myself to challenge my negative thoughts and managed to do it. I'm so proud of myself for being able to do that.

It has helped that my husband has finally started to volunteer caring thoughts. Before he would only ever say anything caring or refer to my depression if I forced him to. And then of course I couldn't believe that he cared at all because he was only saying it because I'd made him.

Even though we're going to his parents for Xmas, even though I'm travelling across London with LO today, I am feeling fine.

The other day my head was just full of "what if I jump in front of a tube train?" "what if I leave LO on the platform?" "what if I just take LO and run away?" "what if ... a thousand other awful things". I don't know what it is about getting a tube train - I had all these thoughts the other week when I went into London for a meeting. I got on the normal train fine but when coming into London I started to think about going down to the tube and was very scared that I would just jump even though I knew I didn't want to. I've always been a bit scared of the tube, all those crowds, I'm surprised more people aren't accidently pushed on to the lines, and I have never stood near the front because of that fear. I'd rather let a dozen trains go by then stand at the front of the crowd. I must have looked like a right yokel in the big city, even though I worked there for 6 years altogether!

Oh my period started yesterday which was probably why those events were even worse for me this week. Dratted timing. I'm useless at remembering period due dates. In fact I cannot even remember how many days between periods - can someone remind me? Is it 28 days from start of one period to start of the next? I ought to know this! Feel so dim for asking! Don't laugh at me - or only a little quiet laugh if you must

Knowing that you'll be here to listen when I get back is very comforting. As you say it's not long and I'm sure we'll be doing things which will make the time go quickly.

Merry Christmas to you all, love FloBob

[Jay]

Merry Christmas Flobob.

Love Jay xx

Ps I think we all need to train as counsellors/therapists as £95 per hour seems appealling.
I know one thing - we would all be very sympathetic to our clinets!!! I would have to learn not to cry if they told me sad things. lol