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Post by monica on Dec 31, 2007 19:11:28 GMT
Hi
I'm so pleased wrting you story down has helped. You have had such an awful time and I'm really glad that you're having good days.
I can relate to much of what you write and how frightening it it must have felt to be having panic attacks etc and espeically as like me you didn't know what they were. I too felt v frightened of being alone with my kids.
I trully wish you a happy 2008. You are doing really well and making progress. I'm sure the year ahead will be bright!
All the best
Monica
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Post by sunflower2007 on Dec 31, 2007 21:14:09 GMT
Hi there
I can relate to a lot of how you have been feeling. I have had a lot of the same thoughts myself. At this time of year, you feel you shouldn't be alone or dont want to be alone, but still feel alone even if there are people around you. Feelings are sometimes to complicated to tie down into words aren't they?
I wish you well and hope that there is a bright horizon for you and your family with the coming of the new year.
Here's to 2008!
Sunflower x
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Post by samantha77 on Jan 1, 2008 9:16:24 GMT
Hi Sj
I am so sorry yoou feel this way!!!!!
The what if thoughts are horrible and this illness is cruel!!!! I know from what you have said that is feels so awlful!!!! And you feel guilt as well which is also a symptom to the illness.
Believe me you will not ruin anyones night!!! and not put a burden on them!!! They are your family and they love you as you do them.
The pni makes you feel this way and messes with your touch with reality!!
I am terribly sorry to hear about your granddad- another awful and heart renching event to deal with ontop of how you are already feeling!!!
I too was suicidel in the begining of the illness and thought about doing it on many occasions- however i did not have the physical energy to do it.
But i can safley say that i never did it and i am so thankful i never as i have enjoyed many lovely moments with my children and family.
It does get easier Sj! I promise, however have you thought about going back to your gp of hv to discuss the deapth of your feelings? They may be able to suggest something to help you get through this particuliary bad time, u are having.
I remember lying in bed most of the time when i was i the depth of my illness- scared to go out, scared to watch tv, and scared to be on my own- when i look back at how desparate i was- it seems like now i have conquered a mountain!! and this will be the same for you!! It does take time but you will start to feel like u can face the day soon!!!
I still feel bad on occasions but i have recongnised these fears and feelings i have and can find a way through them.
Please let us know how you are feeling today
Take Care
Love and hugs
Samx I am right there with you- we have been where u are now, and we have lived to tell the tail. xx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 1, 2008 10:44:10 GMT
HI SJ
How are you feeling this morning babes? I felt like you this time last year, but it does get better, this year i am just remainin postive that 2008 will be fab.
If you get chance later pop in and let us know how you are doing now hun x
Take Care
WG x
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Post by monica on Jan 1, 2008 11:03:00 GMT
Hi
How ar eyou today? Just like WG said, you will get better I can also distinctly remember cryign on NYE a few years ago when in the depths of PNI. I had changed from an outgoing independent person, who couldn't do anything alone into a nervous recluse and could not see anyway out. But it will get better.
I was obsessed with the what if thoughts and death. I would think about this constantly and it is exhausting. Have you tried any distraction technques - game console, book anything that gives you a bit of respite. Also I found relaxation techniques quite good especially when going to bed. Tensing up muscles, then letting them go. Also taking slow deep breaths through your stomach. It can take getting used to but can help take the edge of the anxiety and distract your thoughts.
Monica
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sj07
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Post by sj07 on Jan 1, 2008 11:17:14 GMT
Feeling a bit better this morning got a fairly good nights sleep suprisingly. My emotions are so up and down one minute I feel ok and can be positive about something then soon after I can feel totally the opposite and wish I was dead! At least now I can say I have some good times whereas before it was all bad. Going to try and go out with little one today take her for a walk and get some fresh air. xx Also a few months back I did start reading a lot of books to try distract myself from my feelings but I started having really random dreams about being characters in the books and stuff and woke up feeling really worked up and disorientated sure that I was going mad. This sounds so ridiculous now and I know weird dreams are to do with anxiety but at the time it was so real and really freaked me out!! Might try reading again though as it did distract me from all the thoughts I was having..
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Bobyn
Senior Member
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Post by Bobyn on Jan 1, 2008 14:29:44 GMT
Hi Sam, I hope you don't mind me popping into your diary? I just wanted to say congratualtion on starting the diary and I hope that it helps you. It was definitely a good thing for me to start doing and it's great over the month to be able to look back and see how far you have come. As for the reading, I used to read thrillers or more complicated books, but now with my second young baby I haven't the time, or concentration for them, so chicklits are the order of the day They tend not to cause such weird dreams afterwards either! Happy New Year to you and best wishes for 2008. Bobyn x
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Post by sianyc on Jan 1, 2008 20:49:57 GMT
I avoided anything too scary or teary for a while when the PNI was at it's worst as I found my mood could depend on where I'd got to in the book - sounds ridiculous I know!
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sj07
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Post by sj07 on Jan 2, 2008 9:07:06 GMT
Feeling pretty low this morning. Woke up with that panicy anxious feeling in my chest. Didn't make it out with little one yesterday had a pj day instead - like most days!! Sorted through lots of her christmas presents new clothes and stuff then the stupid thoughts started like what if she isn't here to wear them what if im not here to see her wear them etc.. Its not fair just want to be able to live life while iv'e got it rather than worry about when I haven't!! I always plan to try and do something with the day but rarely seem to manage as getting everything together gets me really worked up and don't make it out the house. Gonna try take some stuff back in town today. Get so worried about having a panic attack and being in such a big place.
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Post by Scarlet on Jan 2, 2008 9:20:39 GMT
Hi SJ,
Sorry you are feeling crappy hun. I always found mornings were the worst for me as well. I would wake up and ask myself how I was feeling and then the downward spiral would start ~ it's very draining isn't it. The ups and downs are the worst, as one minute you feel fine and can tackle anything, but the next minute you can feel anxious, afraid or depressed. I just want to reasure you that it won't always be this way hun,
Do try and make an effort to get out, even if it's only for half hour, it will really help with your recovery. I found it hard at the beginning, and was housebound for a while until I started to force myself to get out and about even if I was feeling under par. Do you have any friends/family that you could visit?
Keep talking on here, you really are going to get better, even though it doesn't feel like it at the moment.
Love and hugs
Scarlet X
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nishka
Senior Member
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Post by nishka on Jan 2, 2008 10:44:27 GMT
Hiya
I think the PNI exaggerates any feelings you have - so if you are feeling low about something you tend to think of all the things that have ever made you depressed and dwell on them. Its a horrible illness, I can relate to so much of what you have said. I think the part at the beginning of your diary when you said you know you love her but you don't feel it really sums up PNI for me personally. I think that particular feeling is something only those with PNI can understand but its very real, well done for being able to see it what it is and verbalise it.
You are going to be okay, these things do get better with time.
If you feel you can't relax enough to get into any books etc what about getting some audio books and a personal CD player to listen to them in bed? Its hard to think about anything else when you have someone chatting in your ear.. Helped me anyway.
Take care xx
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Post by winegirl on Jan 2, 2008 18:56:31 GMT
HI SJ
You sound just like me a few months ago. I always planned to do these things out of the house but when it came to it couldnt actually get out of the house to do it! The thought of going into town was like my worse nightmare! However, on one occasion when i did actualy make it into town i ended up doing quite well and actually anjoying the experience of spending at that shops like a normal human!
I know exactly how you feel, but I can also tell you that it does get better. In the last month I have been out at night with my friends, taken my LO to a play area and several parks, been into town shopping, and even been to London. If you had said i was gonna do all this a few months a go I wouldnt have believed you!!
You will get there hun, its just baby steps. Half an hour in town, 10 mins at the park etc...
WG x
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sj07
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Post by sj07 on Jan 2, 2008 19:30:49 GMT
Thanks guys xx Had huge argument with bf this morning over the stupidest little thing probably was my fault but once I get started its just hard to stop! Just feel so angry all the time and dont know why!! Managed to go to the shops earlier and it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. Was good to have a wonder around and be out the house. Feeling fairly chilled out tonight, things are kind of getting back to 'normal' glad christmas is over with now feeling a lot less stressed actually feel able to properly relax for the first time in ages!
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Post by winegirl on Jan 2, 2008 19:56:59 GMT
HI SJ
Well done on getting to the shops and actually enjoying it! Just shows how well you are doing x
Hope you have a nice chilling evening x
WG x
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sj07
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Post by sj07 on Jan 3, 2008 20:58:06 GMT
Had an okay day today not been feeling too down! Had a nice day looking after my babes. She is really starting to change and i am starting to notice it more now.Feel like I cant even remember all the time she has been here its just like a blur. Its all gone so fast! Been snowing all day good excuse not to do much!! Managed to drive down to the local shop....Wonder if there will ever be a day when I get in the car and don't think im going to have an accident or something bad will happen!! Really trying to ignore these thoughts when they come which is really hard. Still pretty obsessed with death and the meaning of life at the moment but try and distract myself when I start thinking about it as it really makes me so low. Think im gonna have to do some more internet shopping so I dont go on a downer!!!
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