larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Feb 16, 2009 22:47:35 GMT
Hi All.....thanks for your kind messages. Jamie is well on the mend now. One of his burns has completely healed up now on it's own apart from being a very deep red but fingers crossed it will fade in time. I will find out tomorrow if the other one has healed yet as I have to change the dressing. He went and had a check up on his lung and the doc who has been treating him thinks that he has increased air entry in his lung which means that it could have re-inflated a bit more so the hole should have healed up. He has an xray in about 5 weeks so hopefully it will be better by then.
I haven't been feeling so good. I only really had a good cry in the hospital when Jamie burned his arm because I felt so guilty about it happening. Apart from that I seem to have just got on with and dealt with all that we have been through. I had some awful nights where I just felt so panicky but managed to keep a lid on things and had to deal with Jamie being in agony without getting upset. Everyone has been saying 'you must have had a really awful time' and I bet you have been so worried'. To be honest I haven't and I am a bit worried that I haven't been. When we went to the hospital in Reading and he had his initial tests all of the docs just said he had a bit of fluid around his but not to worry so I guess I didn't. It then transpired that they were very worried about him and that the fluid had all got infected and had air in it but that we would be transferred to Oxford to have it all drained off which takes a couple of days....still not too worried at this stage. When we got to Oxford his condition had an actual name and we were reassured that have treated many children with the condtion and none of them have had any lasting problems. From the moment Jamie had his chest drain in and things were being sorted I never seemed to worry. I just seemed to take what the doctors said and believed it. I did question things in my mind like 'what if he is the one child that doesn't get better from this' or 'what if he has something more sinister' but I never really worried about them as such. I am one of those people that is very good at dealing with things at the time. I used to do first aid when I worked at the dry ski slope in Bracknell and I would see all sorts of injuries from snapped thumbs and broken bones to nasty gauges. I kind of went into fight or flight mode but afterwards sometimes I could feel physically sick with what I had seen but that is in my nature. I think that I kind of dealt with the whole hospital episode at the time but now things all of the stress and pressure that I went through is starting come out now. I did feel physically and mentally exhausted when I left hospital so did try to take things easy for the first few days. Although I have managed to slip back into the old routine I just seem really low and negative about everything. Everything I do or think about has the real negative spin on it and I can't seem to shake myself out of it. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself at the moment but I just feel like I want to go to bed for a week! I'l also thinking a lot about why are we all here and is there a god and all of that. It freaks me out but I guess that's just the anxiety. The trouble is I am having trouble trying to sitch it off. I felt really awful at the start of the evening but after watching a bit of telly calm seems to have descended upon me. I keep saying to myself that I will feel better again and can even remember reading peoples' posts on here talking the same things as me and thinking that I could relatre to them because I used to feel like that so i know that I can feel good again but it still doesn't take away the fact that I feel so awful now. I think I am going to book a session with my psychotherapist and would even go to the docs but I am on the highest dose of my tablets at the moment and having tried a couple she said that she would need to refer me to a psychiatrist if I was still having trouble and I don't want that. Glad I got a bit of that off of my chest. It's all been spinning round in my head. If anyone can offer any words of advise I would be most grateful.
x
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Post by winegirl on Feb 17, 2009 12:57:50 GMT
Hi Lara
You have not had time to be stressed or worried - both physically and mentally. You had to get through this period with Jamie and just crack on, and now it has all calmed down the reality is sinking in. This would happen to most people so try not to worry too much about it.
You need to make a bit of down time for yourself everyday for a bit and get yourself as much rest as you can when you need it (I know its easier said than done with kids). And accept that what you guys have been through is MASSIVE and was always gonna bite you on the arse emotionally at some point. But this will get better soon I promise.
We are always listening Lara and sending all my love to you and your family xxx
WG x
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Post by nicola1712 on Feb 18, 2009 19:42:09 GMT
This is probably the result of all the stress of the past few weeks coming back to bite you - so ultimately you were worried, just being strong at the time which is what was probably needed. Now you are back to normal then you are questioning things, why these things happen etc. Probably quite normal as you get back into things.
You can't go through something so big and traumatic and come back carrying on as normal.
Try and take some time out for you if you can and always rant and rave on here....
xxx
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Post by winegirl on Feb 19, 2009 18:22:32 GMT
Happy Birthday Lara...!!
Hope you are having a nice day and getting looked after!!
Love
WG xx
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Post by nicola1712 on Feb 19, 2009 19:25:45 GMT
Happy Birthday to you!! Hope you had a good day xxx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Feb 21, 2009 20:42:44 GMT
Thanks Nicola and WG.
Birthday was ok. I ended up going shopping to get stuff for Jamie's birthday which was the day after mine. We then went out for dinner later with the kids and then out for drink so didn't do anything major but made a point of doing something!
Been feeling a little better since writing on her last time although still feeling quite low. I am in the process of making an appointment with my therapist to have a session with her. I don't even know if I want her to say anything to me but need to get everything out by physically speaking to someone because I feel like I have so much bottled up. She has a good way of putting my mind at ease sometimes. I also heard a saying today which made me think. It goes 'you can't change the past but you can ruin the present by worrying about the future'. This is just so true and very appropriate to me at the moment so I am making a real effort not to worry about the future and just concentrate on today. I've also had a look into classes at the local gym. I want to do a pilates/yoga class because my core muscles are non existent and I keep getting a lot of tension and backache so figured this would help. Am also going to get back into healthy eating. I so don't feel like it the moment and want chocolate, chocolate, chocolate and saturated fat all the time but have to stop. I lost just over a stone last time I did it and although I haven't put it all back on I feel pretty obese. I know that this is helping my mood both physically and psychologically.
I'm off to watch my Michael MacIntyre DVD now which OH bought for my birthday so hopefully that will cheer me up a bit. x
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Post by winegirl on Feb 22, 2009 22:03:54 GMT
I like that saying ALOT and am going to remember that! Sooooo true!
Hope you enjoyed the rest of your weekend hun? xx
WG x
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 2, 2009 15:15:39 GMT
Well....been feeling a bit up and down lately. Had a bit of a moan to OH the other night. He asked me what was wrong and if it was him. I did explain that I felt really shit and I felt down about everything, him, the house, my life. I felt a bit sorry for him because it must have been a real kick in the stomach but he said to me that he had been expecting this since I left hospital because he knew how stressful things had been and I had been coping so well with it all. I guess he is right but after that little talk I felt a little bit relieved and not worrying so much. I was hoping that on Sunday we could have taken a drive down the coast and had a look at a couple of caravan parks where we were thinking of booking a break. Unfortunately....a small rattling noise that the car has been making has turned into a big rattling noise so it is out of action. That put paid to our weekend so we just ended up going for a couple of walks here which was nice because it meant that we all spent time together but I really could have done with a change of scenery. To make matters worse....the boiler broke this morning so I am sat here bloody freezing. I just feel really depressed thoug. I can't just realx and do nothing. My mind is going 10 to the dozen all of the time analysing things and I keep tensing my jaw which is really aching. I just feel like I want to curl up in bed for a week. I was ovulating at the weekend and thought that may have been making me feel bad. I've got my appointment with the counsellor later in the week so looking forward to that. Just being able to talk and be totally frank is what I need. I could also do with a good cry but am scared that I will cry and get a real state and they will have to get the men in white coats to take me away. OH also really wants to go away with the family after christmas to Lapland. They are all booked to go again this year and keep going on at us to go. I would love to go but don't think I could handle it at the moment. OH really wants to go and I think he is expecting that I will want to go towards the end of the year. Maybe I will but not only will I let him down but the kids aswell. He could take them on his own ut the thought of everyone enjoying themselves without me would make me feel like crap.
I'm just waffling now. Glad I could vent.
x
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Post by winegirl on Mar 2, 2009 21:36:13 GMT
I dont think crying is a bad thing mate, we all need the release from time to time and it sounds like you have been building up loads of stuff ever since your LO got into hospital!
Just say no to lapland. If not it will be one more thing to stress about for the next 9 months! Just suggest a weekend away for you all instead to him and I am sure he will understand..
Keep waffling babes, always listening x
WG xx
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Post by nicola1712 on Mar 3, 2009 11:29:36 GMT
Like WG says, say no, tell them you have enough stress for this year and that would just add to your all getting over the hospital stuff. My dad recently invited us to stay in thier hol home in Scotland in May and it would mean an eight hour drive up there with LO and the dog to stay for a weekend - as nice as it would be to go away with them I had to say no cos it is just too much for me to cope with at the moment!
Good that your OH was kinda expecting you to be down after all that''s happened and is understanding.
Hope the boiler gets sorted soon and you get some warmth.
xxx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 6, 2009 14:42:51 GMT
Thanks yous twos..
Boiler is fixed now and picking car up this afternoon which I am v pleased about.
I've had a mixed week...feeling up and very down at times. I felt awful on Weds night. I fight so on edge and panicky and was really shaking. I too a couple of diazepam and they took a while to work but I did think that if they hadn'e have helped I'd have got OH to the ring the docs. That's how bad I felt. I managed to doze off in the end though and LO's more or less slept through til morning. Thurs morn I had my app. with counsellor. I just really had enough time to pour out my whole story of life since I had last seen her. She saig that I had been bottling everything up and with my op and what happened to jamie I hadn't really dealt wit things. She said that I tend to push my emotions inwards instead of out so she wants me take a big piece of paper and writew loads of stuff on it...swear word...emotions etc....a bit like Vanessa Feltz did in Celeb BB and she also told me to watch a weepy film to get the emotions going so that I can have a good cry. I haven't done the writing thing yet....I think I need to be alone for that and I don't know what film to watch. The only one that has really made me boo is Philadelphia and that was a few years ago. Any suggestions are welcomed. She also suggested that I go back to the docs about my meds. I did explain that my doc said she would refer me to a psychiatrist because my meds are at their highest and I have tried a few so far. She did point out that it doesn't mean I am mad but that the shrink will have a better idea of wat to do with the meds.
I'm feeling quite down today. It's a mixture not having a car and being stuck in and the fact that I have just stood for a bout 3 hours and done all of my ironing which I am pleased about because it has been back logued since before I went in hospital. I just want to feel better again and I am trying my hardest but I just don't seem to be able to lift myself as normal. I'm hoping that we will be able to get out for the day this weekend and maybe go to the coast for a walk.
x
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Post by nicola1712 on Mar 6, 2009 19:35:21 GMT
Sorry you are still feeling pants and down - a good cry always helps me though and although you feel awful the next day it does get out of your system for a bit.
Good cry films for me would be Beaches, The Horse Whisperer, Marley & Me (not seen it yet but the book made me cry for ages!), An Officer and a Gentleman (!) er.... will keep thinking.....
Well done on the ironing too - I had amassive backlog the other day and kept putting it off - so good once it is all done though!
xx
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Post by winegirl on Mar 6, 2009 21:12:44 GMT
Hey Lara
Hopefully a day at the coast might help lift your mood? It sounds odd but today has been quite sunny and warmer than recent here in Nottingham, and I sat outside with a cup of tea and a cigaratte (nice image I know) this afternoon and felt quite calm.. it definately helps,
Sending you lots of love and hugs and hope you have a nice weekend babes xx
WG xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Mar 9, 2009 18:54:23 GMT
Hi WG/Nicola.....thanks for your replies.
We didn't get to the coast yesterday in the end....Rod ended up with an earful from me which resulted in tears from me. Basically I had mentioned that we could go out for the day on sun and maybe take a drive down the coast. He never said anything more like 'yes that would be nice why don't we get up early and do it' or 'it might be a bit cold for the coast but we'll definitely do something' instead he just says 'yeah we'll see' and never says anymore. I don't want to force him if he doesn't want to do something so we woke up on sun morn. and had breakfast and by the time we were ready it was about 11. He said' where do you want to go then' and I said well I did want to take a drive down the coast' and he said that it was a bit late...THANKS alot. He did also mention that it was supposed to rain so I guess it was the right decision but it seemed more about him not being bothered. That is what our relationship was like at first...we are both quite indecisive people and tend to go with the flow so we sometimes end up doing nothing. I soon learnt that one of us had to make decisions so I did and he pretty much goes a long with what I say (he does have an opinion though and isn't under the thumb by the way). So anyway...back to yesterday....I lost it a bit and said to him that if I had asked him to go for a drive down the coast 52 weeks of the year he would find an excuse each time not...a bit of an exaggeration but needed to stress my point.....I started to cry and really tried hard think all sad things so I could really have a good cry. I cried a bit but not as much as I wanted. We went straight out and I was stood outside waiting to get the kids in the car and I just thought that everyone would be better off without me...that's how low I was feeling. We took a drive about half an hour away and tried to find a country park that I had seen on the map but couldn't so worked our way back home and stopped off at a lovely restaurant for lunch. The food was really nice and it was so good to have a change of scenery. It was hammering down outside while we were inside and it was so cosy. After that we popped in to see rod's nan for a couple of hours then went home. Got the kids off to bed and watched some tv. I did feel better in myself to have got out.
This morning I woke up and had the dreaded 'another week to get thought'. I managed to haul myself out of bed and got ready but felt a bit shitty. Went to toddlers which was ok. Walked into the village to the bank and when I got back to the car I started feeling crap again. I just started thinking 'what is all this about and why are we alive' I phoned my best mate who I haven't seen for ages to go and see her but she wasn't answering so I went home. Imade some lunch and kept thinking 'why am I doing this'. We ate our lunch and I just plonked myself on the settee and let the kids play while I watched telly til rod got home. I just couldn't see the point of doing anything. I just feel so flat and down. I've felt a bit better since rod got home and he has cooked dinner and is tidying up. I just get worse when I am alone. Tomorrow I have to take Jamie for his burn appointment in oxford which is about an hour from me and I don't really want to do the drive. My MIL is coming with me so hopefully some company will help but not looking forward to it all the same.
I better go now cos got the kids to bath and get to bed. Hoping for a better day tomorrow....just remembered also that I have football tomorrow night. Hopfully if we get some goals I can spontaneously have a good shout and cheer!
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Post by cokey on Mar 9, 2009 19:01:26 GMT
Hi Lara
I don't post in your diary but I just read todays entry and thought how similar we are noth feeling at the moment, kind of functioning but with a weight on our shoulders. Also I noticed we both started a diary about the same time last year.
Its reassuring to know we are not alone, although if I could have one wish it would be that no woman ever had this illness.
I hope you have a better day tomorrow.
PS The coast thing is exactly how my day would have gone with paul. I almost felt I had written it, I have had so many days like that!!!
Cokey xx
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