Cokey's Diary

[Scarlet]

I read something today that said, don't think of having anxiety/depression in terms of 'Why Me' but think of yourself as being one of the 'Chosen Ones'.

So here's wishing a lovely evening to all the 'chosen ones' gotta sign off here and start cooking dinner ;D

Hugs

xxxx

[cokey]

Yes I agree, to have the real highs you need to have seen how low it can get. When we recover, we will live richer lives for it. I know I did last time.

I have had a good day despite of my mum. Strangely she has helped me out because I am so cross, it has occupied myn thoughts all day and so the nasty thoughts have been butted out a bit.

I picked my son up fine, then I have been doing some baking and washing etc. I noticed today that for the first time in ages I have energy. I was ages not knowing I had full blown PNI but wondering why I had no energy or motivation to do housework or anything. I don't knwo if the weather helps but I feel quite energetic today.

Now I have to make a card with my son. Its his last ever day at nursery tomorrow (he is going to the village pre-school full-time after Easter) and we have chocs for them all but we need to make a card.

Hope houseworking is going well.

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

I thing the weather really does help. Many of us feel a bit better after the clocks go forward and we have a bit more day light again. Not that I am saying it is a cure or anything, but I am certain it helps.

Did you get the card made? How is your son feeling about his last day?

WG x

[Scarlet]

Hiya Cokey how you doing today hun?

I have had a good day despite of my mum. Strangely she has helped me out because I am so cross, it has occupied myn thoughts all day and so the nasty thoughts have been butted out a bit.

I always used to feel this way after a row with hubby

xxx

[cokey]

Hi Ladies

Had weird day today. My mate asked me yesterday if I wanted to go to a country park with her, her little 2 year old boy and obviously my Evie. The park is so naturally pretty I agreed. Then this morning I was in 2 minds because I cannot tell her I am ill again because she didn't get it last time and actually asked 'Can I catch it?' - don't think she meant catch it but it made me laugh.

Anyway I felt I ought to go and challenge myself and I had a good time and even ate in the cafe with her which was a big thing for me.

The hard part is although I am having a good time, in the back of my head I am analysing if I truly am having a good time and I was also looking at nature thinking how good life is but then thinking 'oh am I forcing myself to think that because I don't want to accept I am depressed and suicidal'. I feel like the anxiety is easing off a bit now but I am just analysing all the time.

I can't seem to break the cycle. My thoughts this time have surrounded the 'urge/thought' to commit suicide and whilst I was initially sure I absolitely didn't and the thought scared me, my mind is now trying to trick me into thinking I am so depressed I don't know it and am blaming PNI/OCD for my real state of mind.

So basically I had a good morning other than the buzzy bee thoughts which didn't affect me but were with me nonetheless.

Anyone else understand what I mean?

Then I picked my son up and he was fine but I started blubbing. he has a party hat on, they did a cake for him and card and I got all his reports and pictures. Its the end of an era and I am sad. Like I said he is fine though. He took them chocolates and we gave each child a thornton choc lolly and we did make the card. He wrote in it himself and made me proud.

My hubby is now at the pub, my boy is at my mums (we have reached an amicable truce just be me accepting she can't be what I expected). Evie has pooed (TMI) so I need to change her.

More than anything I want to enjoy things without analysing if I am enjoying them even.

I am so desperate to feel normal again. I am impatient I guess but JM said she feels every day is one step closer to recovery and I am trying to think one day at a time too. have only been truly bad liek this for 3 weeks now and I'm not on meds, so I need to give myself a break.

Cokey xxx

[Scarlet]

Hiya Cokey,

Can't stop long as my lamb chops are cooking, but wanted to say that I understand totally what you mean.. you sound like me last year. I did the analysing a lot, used to wake up and ask myself if I was truly happy, if I loved my LO, if I was crackers.. all throughout the day, sometimes every minute. I promise you that you will break the cycle hun, please know this. I thought I wouldn't either, but you do learn to train your brain again to not analyse, it sort of happens and of course you can push it a long a bit, actually a lot if you continue to distract yourself when you can...so don't miss an opportunity to get out and about with others even if you don't feel like it, look at it as being in-training hun.

More than anything I want to enjoy things without analysing if I am enjoying them even.

Yep you will, trust me

Hugs and if I don't get to speak to you before, have a lovely weekend


xxxxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

yeah one of the things that used to drive me mad was thatwhen i felt ok i would still be analysing how i was feeling! Do i feel ok? Do i feel a bit ropey? Am i really having a good time? etc.. It drove me nuts, but it was the start of my recovery too, and i am sure this will be the case for you too.

Hope you have a lovely evening tonight hun. Relax, put your feet up , and try to just enjoy it for what it is xx

Take Care

WG x

[justme31]

i think the analysin is all part of pni/ocd.. i asked my therapist about it cokey cos a few weeks ago i was analysin every thought, every thing i did ,what i was sayin, what i was thinkin and questionin how do i felt every 2 mins ! i said to her that i felt like id forgotten what it was like to feel normal so i dont know what is normal... she said the analysin is very common in anxiety especially ocd. u do need to give yaself a break hun cos going to the park today with ya mate who doesnt know u have pni is a massive achievement. hope u have a good night
claire xx

[cokey]

Thanks Ladies

Feel a bit more rational tonight. I know this is the OCD part of PNI and nothing bad will happen because of it. Its good to talk to those who have passed through this stage because you lose touch with reality and sense at a certain point. I have been here before, yet I could be a newbie for all it counts right now. I can tell others it will be ok but not myself.

Am starting new regime as of tomorrow, to try and occupy every minute until eventually I don't even need to try.

Have a good weekend everyone. LOve to you all.

Cokey xx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

You take it easy whilst occuping all your time - dont over do it!!

Hope you have a good weekend too hun xx

WG x

[cokey]

I am having the worse day ever. Had a bad evening yesterday despite having a good day. I just got so upset by it all. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Its pure hell as we all know and sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to fight it. I calmed down last night and slept well considering (took 2 kalms).

This morning my hubby took us into town to the bank and I went with him and the kids because I didn't want to be alone. I have been trying to re-train my brain to replace a thought with the thought of something else e.g. this morningI was thinking of a polar bear everytime I got a thought. It didn't work though and now my hubby has gone off to football and I feel so desperate and anxious.

The kids are in the kitchen eating McDonalds but I am just struggling to cope today. I am just analysing every feeling I have and I have even started asking myself if I am frightened of dying anymore. You know normally when you think of the end, you panic, well I am not doing that now but I so don't want to die if that makes sense but because I am not evoking any panic assocaited with the idea, I am freaking out.

God if anyone (non-sufferers) knew ther sheer determination you need to get through this, they would give us a medal.

I just want to cry today. Am due on in 5 days and I always get PMT about 5 days before so I am guessing its that making so bad today.


Cokey xx

[cheshire]

Hi Cokey,

Sending you a massive cyber hug x

I do know what you mean - the feeling of not really caring if you live or die, no fear associated with it etc.

Get terrible PMT too - & I know with the whole day stretched out ahead of you, it's difficult - but try to tell yourself - this is a bad day and there will be good times ahead.

Sorry if that's less than helpful - just something I used to tell myself

Hx

[tabbysmum]

Hi Cokey, I know what you mean about the thoughts not panicking you, I used to get a really sick feeling when I had the thoughts and when that stopped it freaked me out even more because I thought I'd accepted the inevitable, I try to tell myself now that my brain has just adjusted to the fear and is almost bored with it. Like Hopeful said, this is a bad bad day but you have so many good days ahead.

Keep your chin up x

[cokey]

I just read my recovery post in 'positive recovery' and I must have been just the same last time.

The thing is I know I am not depressed because I feel som positive about the future and so scared of anything bad happening.

I think its all part of getting worse before you get better.

Am going to try and distract myself for a bit. Wish it was nice outside.

How are you today tabbysmum? And you JM?

Cokey xxx

[justme31]

just sent u pm cokey. am feelin abit like u at the moment am pissed off with it all. am thinkin maybe we just feelin crappy at the mo cos of the time of the month... well am hopin thats what it is! u got any plans for the resta the day to distract yaself?