Cokey's Diary

[cokey]

Well today has been a weird one. Last night my husband felt ill (he had a pain in his jaw) and he went grumpy and distant on me. It made me feel so low and anxious, like I was a burden to him. I also starting obsessing he was going to have a heart attack and so couldn't sleep until the early hours because I was watching him breathing.

This morning I woke up okay, then remembered I was ill (why do we do that? suddenly remember) and have felt low ever since. The usual 'what the point in that? whats the point of life? why is that enjoyable?' thoughts have joined me today - so nice of them. I just feel a bit trapped in this illness today, like I am bound up in cling film and just desperately want to break out of it.

My in-laws came from 11am and stayed til about 3 and whilst I had to put on a brave face, it was a distraction and I had moments of being okay. Then my dad came and took my little boy over to his house. I asked if they were about tomorrow because I hate being alone so much and he told me they were at the hospital for my mums eye examination and then he wanted to take my little boy out in the afternoon. That would mean I was totally alone. He said you will be fine though, look at you, you look fine. Thats annoyed me so much. My counsellor said take baby steps so why is everyone else so preoccupied with pushing me hard. I know they don't get it but I wish it was that simple.

I did some ironing today whish is a big step for me. I couldn't have done any housework 2 weeks ago because I was frozen with fear all the time. I could barely breath let alone move about (apart from pacing). I am a lot calmer than I was 2 weeks ago.

Tonight I am going to do some work to distract me and I have also decided to write a book just for fun but to distract me and divert my over active imagination elsewhere.

Hope all you ladies are okay. Its hard isn't it, harder than anything we will ever face in life again and we are the only ones who know that.

Cokey xxx

[cokey]

Just remembered I need to start a list of what I have achieved each day to shift my negative thoughts to positive ones.

Today I have achieved:

Had visit from in-laws and made lunch
No panic attack
Did some ironing

I am pleased with what I have done.

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

Great idea on listing the positives! Gonna start doing that myself! Might even start up a new diary here only for my positives for the day.

Good luck with the book x What will it be about?

WG x

[cokey]

love and passion (lol) thats enough to distract any girl ;D

How are you WG?

Cokey xxx

[cokey]

Have had a good two days so far, the sun helps.
Yesterday I woke anxious because it was MOnday and hubby was at work again. My mum was in but her and my dad had to go out for 2 hours. My dad offered to stay in but I said no. Because I felt okish, I felt it best to confront my fear of being alone. Its easier if you are ina good frame of mind and the more you push, the better you get (so long as you are in the right mindset).
Anyway I was fine. I cloked watched for the first hour but then it flew by.
Today I have been pottering and later I am going to take my sister to a car garage. I will be driving on my own for 10 minutes which is a big thing for me because of my suicide phobia, I think whats stopping me driving away. So that will be good for me.

I may also go for a walk later, with the kids but thats another biggy for me.

I am hopimg the worst is over. I want to be positive about that but I also know and am prepared for blips.

Hope you are all ok.

Cokey xxx

[tabbysmum]

I know what you mean about that Monday morning feeling, you start off in the wrong frame of mind and then it goes downhill from there.
Well done for managing to sit in on your own, and even to consider driving your sister is a massive achievement which you couldn't have done even last week.

xxx

[cokey]

Yeah driving my sister wasn't fun actually and was harder than I was expecting. My eyes go so blurry when I drive but I did it. I got a massive headache from it though lol

[winegirl]

Cokey - sun?? You only live down the road from me - have you stolen it as i dont see it here! LOL x

Well done on driving your sister to the garage babes, small steps..

WG x

[cokey]

Hi WG

Yeah we had sun this morning, its gone now along with my better mood. Feel really peed off tonight, don't know why, just tearful - its weird how one minute you feel fine with this illness and the next sad/loopy/anxious/bloody petrified.

How are you today?

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Cokey

Not bad thanks babes x

Sorry you are feeling so crap now. You got anything on the agends tonight to look forward to at all? There is always Eastenders in a minute, always makes me laugh (though i dont think that is the intention of the BBC).

Any chance of you having a chilling night??

WG xx

[cokey]

Hi WG

I'm fine really, I just hate it when I have felt good to feel a bit tearful and jittery again for no apparent reason. I always need a bloomin reason lol

I am doing a bit of work, eating chocolate and I am going to bed soon to watch TV - probably until 1am as usual. I am loving wildlife sos on animal planet in the early hours. Something to focus on lol

Hope you are well.

Cokey xxx

[winegirl]

Hi Hun

I hope relaxing in bed helps you babes. Focusing on something has always helped me withthe jitters x

1am is very late! I am lucky to be here typing past 10pm! Sleep well hunny, tomorrow is a new day xx

WG x

[cokey]

Well I have had a good couple of days. The weather has made me a bit more down but I can see the pattern and I am ignoring it. What I find is with this illness is when normally we could feel fed up anyway, now I analyse it. If I feel tired, tearful or anxious I analyse why and what it means and give it some catastrophic ending. Guess thats the OCD part.

I am determined to beat this sooner rather than later and if I ever feel like I am sinking, I pick myself back up and remind myself that positive thinking, distraction and remembering what the thoughts are (fiction not fact) then I can get through. I just want a day to be about living not working at it living. Its hard work and b evening I am fed up of the effort but again a bit of TV distraction and I get through. I am sleeping better but I think thats when I take an anthihistamine (I am allergic to my cats and I have been letting them sit on me so need to take one).

Today my little boy has gone to Centerparcs for a day visit with my husbands parents. I am sad he's gone because he is great company. My husband is here until later and then this afternoon I am clearing out my sons playroom whilst he is gone. So another busy day ahead.

Hope all you ladies are okay. Hi WG - hope you are well.

I am worried about justme31 - I hope she just has PC problems.

Cokey xxx

[justme31]

hi cokey no need to woory about me hun am still around lol just!! have been so ill the last few days had to go to hospital and have been so doped up on pills that have just been sleepin( nothin to do with the pni in regards to the hospital) have had problems with my ears and have an infection in my face and ear nice eh?!! u sound really positive at the mo cokey am glad u r not strugglin as much to deal with the pni. i have been better the last few days in regards to the pni... dunno whats that about cos normally my ocd would have gone into overdrive!!

[cokey]

Hi JM

PLeased you are okay, not so pleased you have been ill (

I always find though when I am really ill e.g. with migraine, the OCD vanishes. If I am off it and have to sit around for days it gets worse butif I have pain it goes. I guess its because my mind is distracted by physical pain. Its like I have that trichotillomania where I pull out hairs from my head (its a form of OCD) and that apparently is anxiety driven. The pain of pulling eases the pain inside? Stupid if you ask me, leaves me with patches in my hair. Pees me right off. I am basically a complete basket case lol

However, if my kids are ill, my OCD explodes - protection thing again!!!

Cokey xxx