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Post by tabbysmum on May 11, 2008 21:33:55 GMT
Hi all,
I've not been on for a couple of days as have been in Cheshire for my niece's baby's christening. My husband was away racing (for a change!) so was just me and the lo. It was lovely seeing my family but was anxious and agitated virtually the whole time I was there. I stayed with my sister and as soon as I pulled into her street I noticed her big bedroom window was wide open (windows are one of my thoughts), I coped for a couple of hours but eventually had to ask her to lock them and hide the keys, then she spent the whole evening with great big knives preparing food for the next day so found that really tough too. Hardly had any sleep as the fear that the windows weren't really locked (even though I'd checked them several times) and that I was going to throw my daughter out in my sleep just wouldn't go away. The next morning as soon as I came downstairs my sis ran upstairs to open all the windows again and I found that really hard, I just couldn't stop thinking about them and me not be safe, at one point she went in the shower and her husband disappeared to the shop with me frantic as there was nobody to stop me acting on the thought, just busied myself hoovering etc until I had people around me again. Had quite a nice day after that with the christening, got stuck on the M6 coming home as there'd been an accident and the motorway was shut at junction 16 so was stuck in the sweltering heat (my air conditioning isn't working) with my lo all hot and bothered and screeching. I was fine when I came home and hubby got back about 3 hours later. Although I'm calm the thoughts and words that are going round in my head are horrible, I'm not reacting to them at the minute but do keep questioning whether this means I'm cold and uncaring and am mentally ill. I do kind of believe I'm having so many thoughts and so many new ones because I'm testing myself and it means that I'm on the road to recovery, but then I find it so sad that I can think these things about the most precious thing in my life. Yesterday morning before we went I forgot to close the upstairs stairgate and just managed to get to her as she was about to go down the stairs, my heart was absolutely racing with fear, which I know tells me everything I need to know, then I get the awful thoughts which then makes me think there must be something mentally wrong with me. I know I'm waffling - I do apologise, I'm just so bloody sick of it all. I'd love just to sit down in front of the television and do nothing, I'm so tired, but I can't just do nothing because I can't allow my mind to be free to wonder, when will this ever end?
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Post by cokey on May 12, 2008 9:31:08 GMT
Hi TM You are just 'blipping' - look back on your posts from last week, you have been fine. I 'blipped' too when I went away last weekend. It lasted a few days but I am okay again now. Its just because the thoughts (OCD) are triggered by anxiety and by going away you have heightened your anxiety subconsciously. It will ease again soon and soon enough our anxiety levels will be normal so when we go away the heightened anxiety wont be high enough to trigger the OCD. I didnt realise you worried you'd do something in your sleep. That has always been my greatest fear, that I will suffocate Michael (not Evie strangely) in my sleep. He sleeps with us mostly and I wake and check he is breathing throughout the night. I had an episode a few years back when Michael was in his own bed, that I was so scared of sleepwalking and hurting him that I tied my ankle to the bed with a long ribbon every night (I also did it so I wouldnt jump out of a window myself). I did that for about 3 months. I knew it wasnt helping but I felt I was going crazy because I wouldnt allow myself to sleep. I also used to block our door so that I knew unblocking it would wake Paul. My mate who saw that top OCD guy asked him for me about it. He said you can't do anything in your sleep you would normally do. Your sense of right or wrong is still intact. I think it worried me because I thought if I had the thoughts in the day, I may dream them and act them out in my sleep. To be honest, looking at it rationally have you ever heard of any mother who has done that in their sleep ever? If I have had that thought and so have you then so many PNI sufferers must have and so it would have happened. Wonder if anyone else on the forum has had it? C xxx
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Post by winegirl on May 12, 2008 18:08:57 GMT
Hi TM
It will end hun. I remember leaving teh stair gate open and grabbing LO just before she went plummeting down the stairs! Icried for the rest of the day. It then set me off with thoughts of her rolling down the stairs and cracking her head open and dying and I just could not stop thinking about it. It is still a bit difficult for me to remember it now.
But it does get better. Your change in routine this weekend will have upskittled the PNI a bit and caused a blip I think, give it a few days to settle down again for you.
Do you have much planned this week??
WG x
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Post by tabbysmum on May 12, 2008 20:00:16 GMT
Hi WG,
Work as usual this week but I'm so busy with this new job it is helping to distract me, got my lo's christening coming up a week on Sunday so I'm preparing for that at the minute too, I am glad to be busy and have the distractions, but would love to sit and chill without my mind wandering - one day not too far away I hope!
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Post by winegirl on May 12, 2008 20:16:40 GMT
It wont be long mate. Now my favourite thing is to chill out and stare at the telly. Halpes my brain unwind a bit. Fingers crossed it comes for you really soon!
Hopefully catch up with you tomorrow x
WG x
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Post by sianyc on May 13, 2008 7:56:58 GMT
The thoughts are exahausting but they will get better - honestly. You will be able to relax without your mind racing, it just takes a bit of time to get there. As you've said, they aren't bothering you as much now which is a really positive sign that you are beating them and not the other way around x
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Post by winegirl on May 14, 2008 19:48:10 GMT
Hi TM
How have things been for you today??
Thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 15, 2008 13:09:42 GMT
Hi Winegirl,
I'm not doing too bads thanks. Still being plagued by thoughts, can't look at anything at the minute without thinking something awful. I read the other day on an OCD website that as you recover you'll have an increase in spikes, so I'm hoping that's all it is, not really reacting to them though so got to be a good sign.
How's things with you
TM x
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Post by winegirl on May 15, 2008 13:16:37 GMT
Hi TM
Sorry you are still suffering with them babes. But I think your info is right that you get spikes and troughs with this illness...
Glad you are managing to keep on top of it though babes x
Things ok here, ready for my holiday to Bournemouth on Saturday but will miss everyone here!
You up to much today?
Thinking of you x
WG xx
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Post by cokey on May 15, 2008 19:09:43 GMT
Hi TM
How you doing today?
Cokey xxx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 15, 2008 20:52:27 GMT
Hi Cokey,
Not sure how I'm doing really. Feel a bit odd, quite detached I suppose which is bothering me a bit. Not reacting to any of my thoughts at all though which I'm finding a bit scary and analysing why I'm not reacting to them (which I'm trying not to), I think the feeling of detachment and not reacting to the thoughts combined is what's disturbing me, making me feel there is something wrong with me, part of the ups and downs I suppose, just hoping it passes soon.
TM x
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Post by winegirl on May 15, 2008 20:56:57 GMT
Oh hun I am sorry it was so awful for you. One thing that I genuinely believe about my experience and the experiences of other ladies with PNI is that we seem to go through a stage of getting worse before we get better.
When my LO was about a year old I thought I was starting to slowly get better and then it all took a turn for the worse as my anxiety went through the roof, and my mental health worker believes that at this point I may have had a nervous breakdown (my own fault for refusing treatment at the time I guess). Anyway, it was like I had to hit rock bottom to start to get better. And it was when this horrible stage was over that I truly started to see myself slowly improve.
You will beat this mate, I wouldnt say it if I didnt mean it. You are doing a fantastic job and you know we are always here for you.
Sending you all my love and strength
WG xx
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Post by Scarlet on May 20, 2008 11:08:36 GMT
Hi Cokey, Not sure how I'm doing really. Feel a bit odd, quite detached I suppose which is bothering me a bit. Not reacting to any of my thoughts at all though which I'm finding a bit scary and analysing why I'm not reacting to them (which I'm trying not to), I think the feeling of detachment and not reacting to the thoughts combined is what's disturbing me, making me feel there is something wrong with me, part of the ups and downs I suppose, just hoping it passes soon. TM x Tabbysmum, How are you feeling hun. All the symptoms you mentioned, I have had.. I analysed myself to the hilt just like you, every sensation, numb feeling, thought, action. There's nothing wrong with you apart from anxiety, and it will pass I promise you. Having been exactly where you are I can say this.. Try and accept these feelings, and distract yourself with something brain-taxing for a while, just to get off the cycle of negative thinking. BTW Hows work going? let us know how you are when you get chance. Hugs xxxx
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Post by tabbysmum on May 20, 2008 11:25:54 GMT
Hi all,
Not been on for a bit, work is keeping me so busy - which is great, am really enjoying it. Am supposed to be on annual leave this week as it's my dd christening on Sunday and wanted time to prepare but my boss is off so ended up trying to work and run around (with a broom up my backside!) sorting stuff out. I'm finding my days are pretty much thought free at the minute, as long as I'm working or I'm not alone, as soon as I'm on my own they start, but I do believe its habit, it like as soon as I'm on my own this is the way I'm supposed to think. Been to see my counsellor today and she thinks there's been a massive improvement in me. Told her I've introduced lots of new thoughts but felt I was testing myself as the old ones were diminishing, she agreed that it was quite normal to do that, almost to try and scare yourself into seeing how well you're doing. I've only got 2 more sessions with her, she'll then review if I need any more, I think she'll say I don't, which I'm fine with at the minute. My son has just failed his driving test, feel so sorry for him, but he seems cool with it, all his friends failed first time so there was no peer pressure, just hope he passes next time or he'll really feel it then - and so will I, it's costing me a fortune!
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Post by Scarlet on May 20, 2008 11:39:24 GMT
Hi hun,
Sorry about your sons driving test. Hopefully he will pass next time.
Glad to hear your thoughts are diminishing. I think you are doing really well, and it's understandable that when your mind isn't occupied with tasks then you will automatically start obsessing again.. it's a habit that you will break in time though...promise you, you have come a long way. Sounds like work is really going well and that's helping you enormously.
No worries that the sessions are coming to an end, you prolly won't need anymore anyway, you are doing fine and on the right path hun.
Hugs
xxx
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