michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 15, 2008 14:49:55 GMT
Hi
I am just back from the walk in centre and the wound is infected. They took out the staples (they were due out tomorrow anyway) and gave me some antibiotics to help clear the infection. I cant belive how painful my leg is and I cant believe it got infected as Im always careful to keep it clean and covered over.
Hi Monica - thanks for your reply. You hit the nail on the head when you said that if you dont get support and if you are constantly failed it hinders recovery. Thats so true to me. I think part of it is my own fault with my cpn as i am not as open and honest as I could be with him and so I suppose he doesnt know how to help me because he isnt sure whats wrong. I will be seeing him on tuesday and will try to open up to him a bit more.
I hope the good days start to increase. Today i didnt want to face the world so didnt get up til after dinner and that was only because i knew i had to go get my leg checked over. Life is so lonely for me which doesnt help my mood much. But i do have a friend i could go see but i am feeling so low that i dont want to be in anyones company so i suppose i am just useless in the fact that i am not helping myself. Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 15, 2008 20:03:53 GMT
Hi Shell
I used to have to really force myself to be in company, but it was always woth it in the end as I did feel better for it.
I hope the antibiotics clear that infection up soon, is it still sore tonight? How are you feeling generally this evening?
Best of luck for your appointment with the CPN on tuesday, be as open and honest as you can with him and insist you get more support as this is what you need more than anything to get through recovery.
Will you be working in the charity shop this week?
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 15, 2008 20:24:48 GMT
Hi WG
I have spoken to my friend via msn but not made it over to her house. I just dont really feel up to talking to anyone tbh. I dont reaslly want to be on my own but the thought of having to talk to someone scres me a little becasue i dont know what to say anymore. I have nothing interesting to talk about and all i seem to do is talk aboiut myself and i dont want that.
Feeling buit emotional tonight as thinking of jack so much and i really miss him. Phil (ex) sent me email telling me how jack has been this week (first time he ever done that) and its upset me that im not part of his life. I sometimes go into his bedroom and cry and get upset because hes not in it and dont think he will be for a long time yet.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 15, 2008 20:35:10 GMT
Hi Shell
It is good that Phil has decided to keep you in the loop though. Definately a good start. I know you miss him, and I cant imagine how hard it must all be for you, but know that you will have him back in your life soon.
Is it the CPN who makes the assesment on you having access to him? Is it something you could talk about with him when you see him this week?
You managing to keep yourself occupied tonight? I am just about to start on wine as have done really well today but need a treat now!
Here for you x
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 15, 2008 20:51:09 GMT
Yeah i am waiting for cpn to write to solicitor to say i am well enough to see jack but hes had initial letter from solicitor for over 2 weeks and never replied to them yet. I think he has not done it because of me s/hingand doesnt think i am well enough to see jack. I will be talking about it with him on tuesday for definate. I need to know if he is writing the letter. Can you have a glass of wine or two for me. Cant drink now I am on antibiotics! Am sorry but am crying now. Really hurting over jack. Its so unfair I cant see him. I wish i was allowed the chance to be a proper mummy to him for the first time. I have lost the last 19 months of his life (in fact the whole of his life really) and I am so sad over it. I hate other people who have had pni and still have there kids with them. I hate having BPD too as thats not helped. Its so unfair and I want to scream and cry. Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 15, 2008 21:20:57 GMT
Hi Shell
Oh hun I am so sorry. Please know that it will all be better soon...
PNI is s***, and anyone who compares it to the babyblues that lasts a few months obviously is clueless. It is a long and harrowing illness. But it does go. the hard part is not knowing when you will be better. You can only take one day at a time.
If you want to scream and cry babes then do it. Go off one for a bit and let the hurt out. Dont bottle it up.
Have you had your meds yet? Do you feel like you could sleep?
My laptop is dying so I wont be on much more tonight, forgot to charge it. But I want to make sure you are ok?
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 15, 2008 21:27:02 GMT
Ive just taken my meds so they should work soon.
Am crying like a big baby at the moment. Think I maybe needed it to let out some of this hurt I am feeling. Shame I doidnt do this yesterday before i cut.
I wish things were better now. Its horrible knowing it may be a long time before I feel better.
Think I am going to go to bed and wait for sleep to come.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 15, 2008 21:31:25 GMT
I hope you sleep well Shell. Let it all out and then get your head down. My laptop is 2 mins of battery life yet so i will check in on you in tehe morning hun x
Sleep well - thinking of you xxx
WG (())
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Post by monica on Jun 16, 2008 9:12:01 GMT
Hi
Hope you feel better today. How's your leg?
Please try and be honest with your cpn. Maybe try writing down some of the stuff you think you'll find hard to say face to face - mightbe easier.
So pleased Phil got in touch with you re: your son and how he's doing. It's contact - maybe you could e-mailhim back? Possibly ask him to do this on a regular basis? Do you think he'd do that?
Sorry, but I'm confused as to why you're not allowed access to him even if supervised? Is it some sort of punishment for self harming? Do they think because you harm yourself you'll do him some harm? I'm no expert but harming yourself is completely different to doing it to someone else - in fact no seeing your son, from what you say, adds to your stress and pain which brings on need to self harm. Possibly mention that to cpn, if you think you'd positively benefit from seeinghim.
it must be hard for you reading other stories of mums sufferijg from PNI but still have their kids andyou've lost Jack. That is trully horrific. But try andthink that the better you get the easier it'll be to see him. I know this is easier said and done and it will be a rocky road with ups and downs.
Like winegirl said evenif you don't feel up to seeing your friend, try and force yourself. I knowwhen I'm low I feel like cuttingmyself off from others but that just perpeturates the feeling of lonliness. You sounds as if you have lots to say but lack confidence so the more you do it the easier it would be. The charity work sounds like a super opportunity tobuild you up andget you out the house.
All thebest
Monica
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 18:11:47 GMT
Hi
I am so fed up and lonely and wondering what the point of life is. I dont have the motivation to keep me going and keep thinking how easy it would be to just finish this sad existence once and for all. Everything bothers me, everythong upsets me and everyone is against me.
Seeing cpn tomorrow and i am in dilemma - do i tell him im doing well and things are great and that im not s/h so that he writes a report so that i can see jack again OR do i say how i am really struggling with everything and be honest and open and ruin my chance of seeing jack. I dont know if i want his help of not. Im so confused with things at the moment. I dont really know what he could do to help anyway so maybe best if i take the 'pretend im ok' option.
Whats wrong with me - every day i am miserable and every day i feel angry and upset with myself and everyday i want to hurt myself in some way.
'the better you get' - I dont seem to ever get any better. I always get to a point where i can go any further up. I think i stop myself getting better because i am scared of being well again and then relapsing. Its happened so many times and i dont want it to happen again. My relapses always end up with me in hospital and i cant bear that again.
I wish Jack was with me. Its so ironic becasue when i last had him living with me i wanted someone to take him away and i hated him so much and now i am wanting him back. Im never happy. I found my old diary today (i was under a diff username but couldnt seem to remember it when i came back to this site so i re-registered but i was shell79) and it was scary when i read some of the things i wrote. Over and over again i kept saying i wanted someone to take jack away and i remembered how bad i was then.
Sometimes i wish i never had jack at all and then i would be happy and with phil and i wouldnt have been ill - but suppose cant ever go back to that.
Shell
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Post by cheshire on Jun 16, 2008 18:39:43 GMT
Hi Shell,
I don't know if it's ok to reply to you - as I know WG has been supporting you. But I can identify a bit with what you say and the self - harm:
I am so fed up and lonely and wondering what the point of life is. I dont have the motivation to keep me going and keep thinking how easy it would be to just finish this sad existence once and for all. Everything bothers me, everythong upsets me and everyone is against me.
I have felt like this - and we are here for you.
Anger yes - I do know what you mean. As Scarlet says, it may seem like empty words, but it does get better and I do understand that self-hram can be a release in terms of pain that is hard to face.
We are all here for you.
Hopefulxx
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 19:45:08 GMT
Hi Shell
My opinion is you should definately be truthful and open with the CPN tomorrow. Its all well and good not telling him the truth to try and get your son back but how long would that before while you are still not well? Before you and Jack can rebuild your relationship you need to get you better. Just having jack back wouldn't solve your long term problems and you would always get find out.
The more honest you are with your CPN, the more likely you are to get the right support and treatment. Tell him everything. About the self harming, the lonliness, how you feel about life, what you think you need in your life to get better. Point out to him that whilst you wish to harm yourself you are at no risk to your son and you feel that contact with your son would help with your recovery.
What time are you seeing the CPN? Are you doing anything else tomorrow before/after? How are you feeling tonight??
WG xxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 20:03:52 GMT
Im scared that if i am open it will push me back further. I was hoping that by seeing my son it would help me get better and thats why i wnated to let cpn know i was doing ok. I cant bear having to go a few more months without him. But i am scared of seeing him too as i dont know how to be with him. I cant remember who he is really.
I see cpn at 2 and before that i have a mental health service users meeting in the leisure centre and after seeing cpn i am on my own for rest of day.
I miss my old life when i was married before children when i was well and had no problems
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 20:07:59 GMT
I think the problem is you will never get properly better without the right help, which you wont get if you are not honest with him. I think you need to make it very clear to him that whilst you are self harming and in a low place you are in NO WAY any risk to your son, and you feel it would be beneficial for both you and him to build a relationship at this point.
These people do make the decisions, but they have to go on what you say, and there is no way they should keep you from your son unless they genuinely believe you are at risk to him, it seems madness that they are not currently allowing you supervised access. Tell them this - push these people!
If there is anything we can do to help - just shout.
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 20:13:23 GMT
Yes I am going to tell him that i am well enough to see jack and that i have started doing positive things like making my rug and working in the charity shop.
But also that i still need his support because i am still struggling and some of the reasoning behind that is because i dont see my son.
I just want a break in life. Is that too much to ask for.
I hope he listens to me.
Shell
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