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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 20:19:29 GMT
He will hun. CPN's are the best and I have alot of respect for them. Their only concern is to get you better.
I know what you maen about wanting a break, I asked for the same thing every day in the depths of PNI and thought it would never come! But it does, I promise.
I know it sounds odd, but have you thought about writing things down to say to your CPN tomorrow? I have to do this because after they have gone I always remember something I meant to say!
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 20:25:41 GMT
I cant really write anything down coz to be homest i dont know what i want to say to him. I just dont know whats going on with me and what is in my mind. He never understnds anyway. He never offers any solutions to anything. Sometime s I wonder why I have to see him. He doesnt ever seem to know what to do or say. Or maybe thats just me but i dont get any further with him. Tomorrow is all about whether he will write letter to solicitor. I hope he does
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 20:31:43 GMT
How about:
* I need some proper help in curbing my self harming, it is detremental to both my physical and emotional help and i do not feel as though I am getting anough support.
* The fact that I am allowed no contact with my son is worsening my condition, and as I am of no risk to him or anyone else I feel that I need to build a relationship up with him for the sake of him and for help in my recovery.
* I feel very isolated and lonely which worsens my condition,
* I have no crisis team on hand for when I am at my lowest.
* I have taken it upon myself to help out in a charity shop, undertake a creative task and apply for a childcare course in order to aid my recovery.
etc etc...
God I talk some rubbish don't I?
You been doing much on that rug today??
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 20:36:04 GMT
No you dont talk rubbish, ive printed off that post as what you said is really good and is what i need to be asking.
Ive done quite a bit on my rug - maybe 2/10 of way there.
I wish i could stop feeling so low and so depressed.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 20:42:48 GMT
I wish I was creative! I wouldn't know where to start with a rug! You will have to post a pic when it is done! I would love to see it!
You will stop feeling low and depressed, you just need the right help babes! Make sure this CPN gets you it! You deserve to be happy again really soon. Remember that PNI is an illness that everyone recovers from, how much help you get alone the way really will determine how quick it is beaten!
You need some stuff to look forward to as well! What sort of things did you enjoy before PNI? I really liked my rock music and have just started going out to gigs again!
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 20:48:53 GMT
everything i did before PNI and before Jack was with phil - we used to go out together for walks and day trips and nights out. Before Phil I didnt do much as I had 3 jobs at once. What if my cpn doesnt listen to me. I am so scred of being hones with him . Its easy saying i will be but in fact i dont know if i can be, Still think its easier if i wanst here anymore. Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 21:01:52 GMT
Easier for who? Noone. You just want your happiness back, not to not be here.
I know it would be really hard to be honest babes, but you are not going to get it all back without a fight. I spent most days thinking there was no fight in me and i just wanted to give up. But I am so glad that I didn't now. Imagine how different things could be for you in 6 months with the right help? Maybe it will be longer - but it is there for you.
I know you are scared, but he will know if you have been s/hing from your medical records and is less likely to think you are up to seeing your son if he things you are being dishonest with him.
Does that make any sense?
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 21:09:39 GMT
Yeah I suppose I justbwant to be happy but am scared of what i have to go through to get it. I just want this pain and unhappiness to end. I know I have to fight but sometimes i think whats the point.
I suppose i should be honest. I really thought i could get away with s/h but i suppose not.
Im dreading what he has to say tomorrow. What if he says that because i s/h he wont do report. I really want to be able to see jack
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 21:14:50 GMT
He has no reason, the only time he should not write the report is if you are at risk of harming someone else - and you are not! Ask him out right about the report while he is there and tell him how important it is for you to see your son. It is in your CPN's interest for you to get better, so point out to him that this would really help in your recovery!
He will know before he gets there that you have been s/h anyway, so no point in hiding it. Be open, honest and tell him exactly what you need. That is what he is paid for!
You taken your meds yet tonight? You doing ok?
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 21:20:07 GMT
No not taklen my meds yet - going to in a minute. As for doing ok - i dont known really. I getting to stage where i want to s/h again. Christ why do i always get like this. I have a pic of jack on my computer desk and i look at it and it makes me upset then i feel angry then i want to hurt myself. Am I just using my son as an excuse to s/h. He is so innocent and helpless and i want to help him and be his mum.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 21:26:16 GMT
Hi Shell
You will help him and guide him and be his mum, but s/h is not gonna help that. It will just hurt and release a bit of pain for an hour or so. Kick off and scream is you have too then get yourself off to bed to stop yourself from doing it. You don;t need to, you know how to let your emotions out here.
You are a beautiful person and don't need to do this. You need to get well by fighting it to sort your future out with jack.
Take the meds, have a cry, go to bed. Then it is all go for most of the day tomorrow, far too busy to think about s/h! If you do ever find yourself stuck for distraction, gove me a holls, I have a project up my sleeve that I could do with some help with!!
WG xxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 16, 2008 21:46:02 GMT
how can i guide him and be his mum - all i have done is the wrong thing and let him down. Thats why i s/h - because i am already a useless mum and deserve to be punished. As much as I would love it, i dont deserve a future with jack. I am a waste of space and he deserves so much better than me. His dad is giving him everything i cant give him and he is happy. I have his bedroom which has never been slep in and all his things here whsch arent getting used and i think it would be best me giving them to charity. I cant cry, i feel numb. I dont deserve to cry anyway. I am the worls worst mum ever.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 16, 2008 21:53:16 GMT
You are not useless and you have let noone down, this is justthe depression talking. You have been ill and this is NOT your fault babes x There are things that only you can give him as his mum - and I know that you will.
U have just been checking my Mental Health Act book and there really is no reason from what you have said that the CPN shouldnt write in favour of you having contact with Jack.
Please don't give up, you are not the worst mum ever, I know this because you love your son and want him back in your life. I know to say take your time is easy, but honestly one day at a time really does work.
My laptop is on the out again (********) But please know that we are here for you and will do all we can to help you through this. Don;t give up the fight because its all waiting for you at the end.
I really hope it goes well for you with the CPN tomorrow and will be there in thought to hold your hand. Tell him how it is hun and what you need, we will be there with you to get you to the end of this and back in to the light.
Night hun - thinking of you xxx
WG XXX((()))
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Post by sianyc on Jun 17, 2008 13:24:38 GMT
I hope it went well with the CPN for you today lovely.
I know you feel like the worst mum in the world but that is honestly the PNI talking. It makes the guilt feel so much worse. It's not your fault you suffer with this illness and you will beat it.
Jack needs a mummy as well and you will be the best person for him to turn to when he's older with any problems. You will have had to struggle to get through these few years of your life and will be a stronger, more tolerant and better person for it. You deserve to get better and you deserve to help raise your son.
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 17, 2008 14:04:53 GMT
My CPN has been and it went ok. Straight away he asked about my 'incident' and i told him how i was feeling and why i did it and then told him i did the same thing but to my leg the week later and he was upset with me for doing it. He said he was very proud of me for not s/h for so long (did get to 8 weeks s/h free) and for getting more positive but that i have ruined it now and he cant understand why. He actually admitted he didnt understand anything to do with s/h.
I told him how much i want to see jack and that it shouldnt make a difference whether i s/h because i was doing it all last year and they didnt stop me from seeing him then. I said that i sometimes do it because i havent got jack and that if i had contact with him i would be so much better off. He IS going to write the report tomorrow. Yippee!!!
I asked about getting CBT or something to help me with the s/h and my way of thinking and he is going to speak to the lady who deals with it and see if she can help me. Fingers crossed they will help me.
I told him about doing my rug (and he was impressed when he saw it) and that im working in the charity shop and he was pleased with me for that. Hopefully that will help let him realise that although i s/h i am still well enough to see jack and that I am doing better than i was a couple of months ago.
Feeling a bit more hopeful now.
Shell
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