michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 11, 2008 20:11:27 GMT
Heres hoping my own diary will help me!!!! I am hurting so much inside that i need to hurt outside to take away some of the inner pain and also because i deserve it. I keep picking up the blade and then put it back down. I want to cut so badly. I keep looking at pics of my son and feel so guilty and angry and sad that i havent been in his life for the past 5 months and i feel so guilty for jack because he hasnt had his mum in his life for so long. I know I am hurting him by not being in his life and i cant ever forgive myself for letting him down. I miss him so much. I am feeling so lonely and never have anyone to talk to. Noone listens when i do talk either. I just dont feel happy or safe on my own but i dont have a choice. Why is life so hard and so horrible? Why do we have to suffer so much? I feel so worthless and so full of self hatred and deserve to keep hurting myself. Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 20:18:10 GMT
Hi Shell
I hope its ok to post in your diary?
I just wanted to say that you dont have to keep hurting yourslef. Its like a spiral. You hate yourself and are unhappy so cut yourself, the more you do this the more unhappy you becoma and the further you spiral inwards. Your goal is to get out of the spiral to be well enough to see your son again. The only way to do this is start picking youself up. You need to feel good about yourself. You can't do anything now about the fact that you have not been with your son, but you can get yourself right again so you can get him back in your life.
Think that every time you cut yourself you are damaging your chances of seeing your son, and every time you dont do it you a step further to having him back. It might sound like i am talking jibberish, but the spiral thing really does work. You have to get out to the edge of the spiral.
Write down some good things in your life and things that make you happy. Make sure you do more of the things that make you happy. Throw yourself into getting better.
What you are going through is awful, and as an ex self harmer many years ago, i know it is really hard.
I am glad you have come and talked here when you were feeling low. have you tried marking your skin with red felt tip where you want to cut it? It is supposed to work as a sort of distraction and therapy from it?
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 11, 2008 20:30:43 GMT
i cant really use the pen thing as when i want to s/h i have to hurt myself and feel the pain and that doesnt make me feel pain. Elastic bands dont work coz they dont leave a mark and i have to see what ive done. I know i have to break the cycle and move forward but its so hard. I am back at the stage where i cant even use jack as a focus to deter me from it. I am trying so hard with distraction and im forcing myself to come on this website and others just to keep me busy but im finding it more and more difficult to fight the urge. I wish I had never started the s/h. I look at all the scars on my arms and legs and wish they werent there but then i see them and think whats the point of stopping because the damage has already been done (if that makes sense).
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 20:35:55 GMT
The damage has not been done hun. You are damaging yourslef emotionally every time you do it and damaging your chances of moving on and up in life. You need a counsellor trained in s/h, some techniques that work for you when you have the urge, and a support network. Do you think you could face going to a support group for s/harmers??
I still have a few light scars on my arms from when I did it many years ago, and now I just look at them and realise how good life is now rather than what it was then.
I will dig out my notes on s/h and see if I can find any further techniques on distraction. You doing ok tonight??
WG x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 20:49:34 GMT
Another one I have just remembered is to write all your negative thoughts on a piece of paper and either rip it up after or scribble all over it in red crayon/pen etc.
Ringing a friend for distraction or just calling the samaritans to make you be doing something else when you have the urge to help you get over it is another one.
Write down some things that you like/used to like doing and do some of them! Alot of self-harm is compounded by self esteem and its really impotant to try and build it back up.
You can do anything you want, you just have to build yourself up. Its not easy but a lot of satisfaction and increase in self esteem.
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 11, 2008 20:50:56 GMT
Doesnt seem to be anyone trained in s/h here. I would go to a s/h group if there was one but there isnt. Maybe i should set one up!!!! I just wish that there was someone I could talk to professional wise that understands and could help me through this. I wish my scars would go away but as they are all deep and had stitches i dont think they will ever fade very well. Am still doing ok as not give in yet.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 20:54:13 GMT
If you don't mind me asking, where do you live hun??
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 11, 2008 20:54:58 GMT
darlington
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 20:57:27 GMT
Just checked my resources and can't find one in Darlington. Though it is possible to start your own group. Take a look at this... self-injury.meetup.com/create/What do you think? Is it something you could do? I would be happy to help you if it was something you wanted to do?
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 20:59:55 GMT
Have also found that they have a dedicated Mental health Nurse in the Darlington PCT and they have a freephone number for self harmers... see below
The freephone number 0800 0857027 is open from 5pm to 9am Monday to Friday and 24 hours a day at a weekend or bank holiday. The line has proved popular, so do try again if you find it is busy.
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Post by cheshire on Jun 11, 2008 21:00:55 GMT
Hi Shell,
I do so feel for you - having a past history myself.
But no, we aren't trained, just a group of mums supporting each other.
I know how are it is to talk to anyone about this - but the Samaritans can help and also your GP and the Community Mental Heath Team.
But I do understand it is the time you least want to seek support - but please, if you can, talk to someone about it. That in itself can give a similar release.
Hopefulxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 11, 2008 21:01:26 GMT
I wish i had the guts to start my own group - i think i would be no good at it to be honest. Im not very good at being a leader - id rather follow in someone elses shadow.
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Post by cheshire on Jun 11, 2008 21:01:44 GMT
Sorry WG - posts crossed there x
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Post by winegirl on Jun 11, 2008 21:07:01 GMT
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Jun 11, 2008 21:10:39 GMT
thanks for that number - i will def use it. I have a cpn who works for community home treatment team but not sure if he is part of the PCT too but he doesnt understand the s/h - just tells me that i have to stop doing it and never offers any other support. I have started crying now Im thinking too much about my ex husband and jack and its making me cry because i miss them both so much and i know my husband never wants me back as ive hurt him too much
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