elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 15, 2008 23:31:50 GMT
I have sat thinking about this for hours now, just trying to figure out what to write, Where to start, my head keeps running in circles.
There was a thing on GMA this morning about lying to your kids and how you shouldn't do it, but what do you say to a 15 yo who asks if your ok cos she saw you having a panic attack and behaving oddly, I told her I was fine, and that it was just that I had gotta my first period in 6mths after having james and it was a bit of a 'doozy'
After reading some of the posts on here I can see that it does get worse about that time - hell tell me about it. I seriously thought at one point of walking off the edge of the cliffs near our house - it would only take 5 mins to get there.
I long to walk on the beach I havn't been for so long must be 8 months if not more, its too much like hard work with a pram and to be honest what would I do when I got there, probably just look at the sea feeling guilty cos I wasnt at home.
My husband tells me to go out, I try to explain how guilty I feel if I do.
I actually got 3 hours without the younger ones the other day, I had to take the day off work cos the eldest was having her ingrowing toenail done. The younger 2 where in daycare the 2nd eldest with her dad and I waited with Charl for over 2 hours as the surgeon was behind. We read trashy OLD mags - why are they always so old in waiting rooms! and I tried to make her giggle to take her mind off things. I do get on with my eldest - thank goodness - once she went in for the op I was on my own waiting to be picked up to go and feed the youngest as day care was finished, G had gone to collect them as I couldnt. I so enjoyed having a moment to myself and I so enjoyed the time I spent with Charl, then I felt guilty about feeling good about her having to go for an op and how I enjoyed her having to wait and have an op when she was so terrified. BUT I enjoyed not having the youger ones arround demanding my attention. It wasnt that i was pleased she was having an op - I just enjoyed the time I got, I cant get my head around it.
I have my first referral app this pm, 5 hours to go till I leave the house, 1 hour to drop Abi off at her g'mas and to get there, Imust get organised with James nappies ect, I need to make sure he eats lunch before we go, oh hell I feel the panic setting in as I type, how far will I have to walk with him, will I have to get the pram out or can I manage without it. I still need to clean the house and get brekki for LO no 3 the older 2 are still in bed, Ja is having a nap.
I need to put a wash on, with 6 people the pile is horrendous! I try to do at least one every day, that way I can almost keep on top of it. I must remember that its pizza for tea tonight - now I have typed that I can at least look back on here if I forget - the elder ones asked for it. I just hope I feel up to it when I get back, its not a hard thing to do though, its just remembering to put hte mix on for the dough, I have to make my own - the eldest wont eat shop bought.
I have to remember to pay my bills today, I should put a reminder on my phone actually if I do that for tomorrow I can do it from work I have discovered if I do that I do tend to do it. its easier from work cos I dont have kids distracting me. I love my work but I am worried that a couple of them have noticed I am not myself. I should tell them esp Tina I know she will be cool with it, Carole has never had kids so is less likely to know what I am on about.
I just have to keep on top of it at work, I must remember to order the pcs tomorrow - perhaps I should put that in my phone too
I look back at what I have written and I am rambling a bit, I think I need to get a lot of things down on 'paper' . talking to my husband is a bit difficult, I have to follow him outside when hes smoking as its the only privacy we get really! when you have a 15 yo in the house that goes to bed later than you do its tiring then at the other end of the scale Abi gets up earlier than I do, no wonder I am so tired.
I had better go and get tidyed up before james wakes or I wont get to tidy up and that stresses me out when its a mess
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elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 16, 2008 11:00:43 GMT
So today was the day I saw my social worker/councilor I was kinda stress about going, I set off far to early really but I thought I would get lost but to my amazement thanks to onine mapping I went straight there.
She started by asking me to tell her a bit about myself, I really didnt know where to start but obviously I did as i suddenly realised I had been talking very fast for 90 mins, I am talking fast at the moment and I hate it, I dont seem to be able to slow down, I am glad i am a fast typer otherwise my thoughts would get ahead of me.
I ended up telling her things from as far back as 15 years when charl was born, I told her that I belive that this PND started with Abi 3 years ago and as I was just getting over it then I found myself preg with James, I told her about the prenatal dep too how I just wanted to take a knife and split my belly and remove him. I told her how I thought my husband was having an affair ( he tell me he isnt) how i stare into space for hours when feeding james, I just went on and on, she did tell me that most women with my level go on meds but I really dont want to, I think I am using James as an excuse not to really. I did tell her about my lack of confidence in my doctor, misdiagnose my MIL twice, gave me meds that where contraindicated in preg , didnt refer me for a scan to have a nural trans test when i asked - he forgot! gave me the wrong meds twice for mastitus - I ended up having 5 courses of antibiotics and having to have a breast scan for abcesses. And for some reason every time I go in he goes on about the UK last time he kept going on about Man U, I told him I wasnt a surporter and he asked who did I support I said the only team I could remember Crew Alex, and I couldnt belive it when he googled them!!!!!!!!
I thought I am here for my bloody health not a footy team half a world away.
Unfortunatly getting a doc here is almost impossible they are all full, but she suggest the the HV just might be able to help in that respect
Anyway when Husband got home as soon as he went for a smoke I almost ran outside after him to tell him about it all.
I dont feel any better if anything I think telling someone how I felt has made it worse, Like it has confirmed that I really am going mad.
Hus told me to take it easy so I am having a wine cos I dont normally drink though its gone straight to my head, pizza should be ready soon then I can eat
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jul 16, 2008 20:34:17 GMT
Hi Elspeeth,
Sorry you are feeling awful at the moment. I am having a few bad days too and have just written in my diary. I talk so fast in my head that when I type it I miss words out and really ramble on. It's like it is all going to spill over and you have to get it all out quickly.
You are NOT going mad. It may feel like it to you but you are not. You have an incredibly busy life looking after 4 children, OH, a house and holding down a job so give yourself a little bit of praise because I know a lot of people, who don't have PNI, that couldn't do it. I am by no means medically trained and it is my opinion but you do sound VERY stressed out and, like me, desperate for a little ME time occassionally. But you shouldn't feel guilty about it in the slightest. You are a person too not just a mother, wife, lover, house keeper and you deserve be treated well too. You are just as worthy as anyone else so when you DO ever get a minute to yourself try and indulge yourself but don't feel guilty about it. It's just a thought but could you maybe have one evening a week where you say to your OH and older children that you have a night to yourself and they can prepare tea and look after the babies (excep if you need to breastfeed) Even if you buy yourself a magazine and go off and have a bath or maybe go to see a friend but without children so you can chat. I do find that I can't be bothered sometimes but when I do make the effort to get out it makes me realise that there is a world out there that doesn't constantly revolve around children and it helps me feel like I am not trapped. I have days where I long for the time when my LO's will go to school. I feel bad about it but i guess it's only human. I have to remind myself that it will happen in a couple of years anyway and by then I will be mourning the fact that they are moving on in life. What is weird is that I am probably going to have to have my gallbladder removed soon (I am waiting for my app. with cons.) but the thought of having to stay in hospital for the night sound like bliss. I can lay and watch the TV in peace, have someone bring me a cup of tea and dinner in bed and have people come and ask me if I am ok. Not be woken up a stupid O'Clock by screaming and shouting and generally being able to relax. How strange am I thinking that hospital slop is luxury!!!
With regard to your doctor...he sounds appalling. I can't believe he is googling a football team when you have gone in there about serious stuff. Does he not have a waiting room full of people to see?? I can understand why he has forgotten to do stuff for you because he's probably on the internet all of the time!! If it were me, and I have done this before because my last doctor was terrible, I would change to another. Even if it is within the same practice. I know you said it is hard where your are but surely you would have grounds to complain about his conduct. Maybe the practice would change you to another doc. if you wrote them a letter?
Sorry for rambling on in your diary but keep writing. I know you feel like you have opened a can of worms by opening up about what's going on inside you but believe me you will benefit in the long run. It's always hard to begin with because you are having to face up to things and i know you don't like the idea of meds but they can help you out for a few months while you deal with things. My friend takes them and she breastfeeds so I am sure there are some out there that are safe.
Take care x
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Post by bean on Jul 16, 2008 21:25:15 GMT
Hi Elspeeth
Sorry for intruding, I just wanted to let you know I am breastfeeding my daughter who is seven months old. I was told to change anti-deps when I became pregnant by my psychiatrist who is a consulting psych. in Hull and she looked into the matter closely, contacting a colleague at Edinburgh University for advice. This is an older type but has been tested for affects on newborns and breastfeeding babies and was deemed to be the safest one for me to use. Obviously meds have different effects on different people (Ive read comments from different people on here about other meds Ive been on which didnt suit - lots of side effects - but have really suited others - unfortunately I appear to be quite sensitive to these side effects cause Im not very big. At the mo I dont think they are doing me any good but while I was pregnant I was starting to feel a bit better. My shrink has advised me now that she is limited as to how she can help me because im still breastfeeding, but I feel this is one thing I do well with my baby, so dont want to stop just yet. Anyway just thought Id let you know that there are drugs that are thought to be safe. Hope any of this helps.
Take care luv bean x
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elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 17, 2008 5:26:18 GMT
You are welcome to ramble at any time larsbars, Thank you both of you for the posts. I have read your diary beany and I can see you are having a hard time too. I think part of me is using the breastfeeding as an excuse. I am terrifed of the meds, last time I went on them I was so sleepy (I wasnt breastfeeding then) getting out of bed was almost impossible and I swear I wasnt any good till lunchtime - I worked mornings then so they really didnt get the best out of me.
Its a work day today so no children. I told my boss this morning only cos I need time off to goto the PND group. Ironic - I only do 2 days in the office and the group is on one of those days.
I was shaking when I spoke to him, but OMG he was so understanding, it made me wonder if his wife had suffered at one point. He told me that the company would help me in any way that was needed and that time off is no problem. It was a huge relief to know that he was so understanding.
Today we have the big bosses from overseas here I am glad I can just shut myself in my office and get on with my work without anyone bothering me. I also dont want to go onto meds incase it stops me from thinking and getting on with my work.
With regards to the doctor, he is the only one in that practice. So I basically have to find myself a new practice, I did phone my SIL today I was gonna tell her and ask her about her doctor - I know she thinks hers is great. I asked if her mum had told her and she said
"mum said not to tell you but yes she did'
I KNEW she would - I dont mine my SIL knowing but its also the fact of the "dont her but" it just reinforced the knowledge shes a gossip. SIL did phone her docs but didnt manage to get me in. However she did say when she suffered from Depression my doc really helped her, THAT does make me feel like maybe I can goto him. I just want him to keep clear of bloody google unless its to check the meds that hes giving me.
3 hours later - I had to have a break and do some actual work; luckily cos it was very intense and I had to really concentrate on it it did make me feel a bit better but I noticed every time I went to speak to someone else in the building the panic set it. Think I will just try to stay in my room at the mo and I will finish this tonight once the kids are in bed and I can read other info and stuff
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Post by monica on Jul 17, 2008 9:39:52 GMT
Hello and welcome
I'm sorry you're going through adifficult time.
You are not going mad - you are ill with this terrible illness. It completely debilitates you.
Wow - four kids (have I got that right?) - you do have your hands full. I have two (pregnant with third) and I can't manage. House is a permanet mess, I'm always rushing around but I've got tosay I rarely feel guilty about things liek that any more. In my case, I'm very disorganised. But I have to say that even the most organised people find PNI makes it hard to concentrte. I couldnt' even boil a carrot when my son was weaning. But you have so much to sort out! Work, child care etc.
Do not feel gu9ilty for enjoying a breathe3r from the kids. It's normal. Imagine working in yoru office 24 hours a day - you'd go nuts from the monotony, exhaustion - and it's the same with kids. You love them to bits but it's important to have a bit of 'me' time. ~Think of it as an investment inot your well being.
The panic you mentioned when talking to colleagues is very common too (although horrible when going through it). I think when well, doing anything out of our comfort zone does instigate a reaction but it's so mild we don't notice. However, with PNI and panicing in general, we are so sensitive to any changes, these things have an marked effect. I remember going back to work and the way I would react to stressfuo situation (even mild ones like goin gon staff bus) would be to feel spaced out. I tried breathing technques to stop the adrenaline pumping and that fight or flight response and it did help.
How's your eldst doing after her op? wishing her well. Ingrowing toenail is v painful - a work pal had one and couln't walk.
Out of curiosity, when were you on antids last? If a while a go, they have come along way. I was on citalopram and didn't find that they made me sleepy. I think some antids have that side effeft but many don't.
Sorry I've gone on a bit, but just wanted to say how I understand what you've going through and there is light at the end of the tunnel, I promise.
Love
Monica
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elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 17, 2008 11:26:10 GMT
Thank you Monica and yes you are right four of them aged 15, 10, 3 and 6mths; the older 2 where born in the UK and from previous relationships and the younger 2 where born in Aus.
the 15 yo was the one with the toenail, shes so much better now - she was very freaked out about the op and it took me 2 hours to get the bandage off yesterday. But she is fine now and is walking around ok.
It was 7 years ago when I was on the 'sleepy meds' it was after a previous partner died, the ones before that was 9 years ago I dont recall them making me sleepy, I dont recall much around that time really lol!
I feel a lot better this eve, I think work helped, I finished one of the designs I had to do and I was really pleased with it. When I picked up the younger 2 from day care I tried really hard to not get stressed. My 3yo is very attention seeking at the moment and is constantly asking questions and getting mad is she does not like the answer. She constantly asked for a drink all the way home - kinda grating but I managed to distract her.
James fell asleep in the car and actually slept for an hour once I got home - which meant I could actually get dinner for the kids organised and when G got home they where eating and I was breastfeeding James.
the 3yo played up after dinner but I kept calm and managed to get her into bed, bribed the older 2 into doing chores with icecream. Now I just need to eat myself.
I find the repetitive things I do odd, like the pacing and rubbing an area on my hand over and over and cos my mind is so fast I have started to stammer. I noticed I was doing it at work, so I really need to try and slow myself down. I am going to see if there is any yoga classes or similar around here. The counciller suggested exercise, waking is a tad difficult with my back unless its not too far. I used to do callenetics (sp) and I can do that at home, I just need to get someone to take the kids - or the younger 2 at least, the older ones are back at school next week so that makes my life easier.
Normally I love having the older two at home during the holidays but this time its been difficult, I try to act 'normal' and I know I am failing at it, they must sense something is going on.
Tomorrow I am not in the office, as long as the weather holds (its not always sunny here!) I am going to try and go for a walk to the beach - I cant go onto the beach cos of the pram but I can sit at the surf club cafe with a coffee and watch the waves.
I really do appreciate all the support I am getting here, it does make a difference to 'speak' to other sufferers of this and just to read the diarys, I can so relate to what other people are going through. And it really helps the know I am not the only one have these thoughts
love
E
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jul 17, 2008 21:17:30 GMT
Hi Elspeeth,
I'm glad you are feeling better today. It's such a relief to have a bit of a break from it isn't. I too am having a better day so maybe there is something in the air!!
I'm glad your daughter is feeling a bit better today. That must make you feel better not worrying about her.
With regard to the meds..I had a friend who used to take Prozac. When she first started taking them she used to be really knackered at work and would end up in tears because she was sooo knackered but couldn't get to sleep. I advised he to take them at the opposite end of the day to what she had been doing and after a couple of days things started to normalise again for her. I'm not sure whether she was taking them morning or night but some people do find that taking them at a certain time of day affects them so maybe this is something you could consider. Also....not all meds make you sleepy. It's a case of trial and error.
So what do you do for work? You mentioned design in your last post. It sounds interesting. My little girl is 3 in a couple of weeks and she is hard work. She is in to everything and a very bright little thing so she tends to be very inquisitive which is great but not when she asks you 50 questions in the space of a minute all day and every day!!! And even when you give the answer she repeats the same question again and again. Like your LO my LO will ask and ask and ask for a drink relentlessly until I actually do it. They just can't seem to understand the concept of time. You really do have to make such and effort for it not to get to you. I find that so hard because I have nough rambling on in my head without her doing it outside of my head!!
I have also found that I have started to grind my teeth and clench my jaw a lot. I also squint a lot and tense my shoulder. I know it is due to anxiety but I am really conscious of it and think people are staring at me all of the time. I know that if I were more relaxed I wouldn't do it but relaxing doesn't seem to come naturally any more. What is callanetics??? I've heard of it but bot sure what it is. I would like to do pillates. I have done it before and it made me feel really straightened out afterwards (physically not mentally).
I hope you do find something to do tomorrow and hope you have some nice weather. I would love to live by the sea. We used to have a boat and after a week of being stuck in an office going out on the boat in the middle of the sea seemed to make all of those stresses melt away. Not sure is it would work with the stress of kids though!!! I think I'd probably need a week out there! I think we have rain for tomorrow....that's just the right sort of weather for July!!! Anyway...hope you have a better day tomorrow.
Take care xxx
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elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 17, 2008 23:47:35 GMT
Thanks for that lars, I must have been reading your diary when you posted in mine lol
I have decided to leave the meds for a couple of weeks, if I feel I am not making progress without them i will go and ask Dr Google for some.
I work as an IT admin and I do all the design in the company, we have recently been bought out and need to have the website totally redone, I spend yesterday doing the logo and the banner for the site, when I got home and looked again I noticed I had a lump missing in one of the letter (odd!) so I will have to repair it later. I do love my job - I started there are the receptionist and then went to the directors PA and did the IT as well but after I had no 4 I drastically cut my hours and only do the IT and design now. The receptionist has moved into my old job and I seem to spend hours training her at the mo, but I figure once she knows how it all works it will have been worth it.
Your right - they have no concept of time!
I am scared of grinding my teeth, I am convinced my teeth with break, but the jaw thing - yea I know that one - mine is aching already today and its only 9.37am.
Callenetics is something I did years ago, I think its similar to pillates I got really toned on it and skinny, I am comfort eating at the mo which is so not good for me. I have a fear of additives in food cos when my kids have any they go hyper, so we eat organic a lot. Oe of the side effects of this is when the kids go to my inlaws I panic when they give them food. cos I dont know whats in it!
The house is a total pit today, I didnt tidy up last night before bed and now there is no space anywhere in the kitchen .
When I went to bed I discovered that James had been sick in his sleep and all under his head, amazing he slept while I moved him and cleaned up. But them I was paranoid he was gonna be sick and choke in his sleep, the thought kept running in my head, I tried to tell myself he would be fine but I laid there listening to his breathing till eventually I did fall asleep through exhaustion.
He has a runny nose now and woke up at 2am with a dirty nappy and wanted to play so I came back in the lounge for a couple of hours - for some reason our internet wasnt working which was a pain cos I was gonna pay the bills online. I am def gonna try and go for a wake soon. Just need to get daughter no 2 up and dressed and daughter no 3 dressed, james needs cleaning up after his brekki, part of me dosnt want to leave the pc cos its "scary having to be a mum' - ill post later to see how I have gotten on
E x
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Post by nicola1712 on Jul 18, 2008 18:49:48 GMT
Hi elspeth Finally got round to reading your diary since you have been posting in mine too. You have so much on your plate hon, no wonder you are stressed!! I can't cope with one baby and a puppy at the moment, let alone four kids! So before we start well done for getting this far I have recently started taking Citroplmen (sp?) too and that didn't make me sleepy atall. I know you said you are not thinking about meds at the mo, but when/if you do just thought I would mention it. I have taken Prozac too in the past and that did make me sleepy and tired to start with. The one I am on now just made me a bit more anxious for a couple of weeks until I had got used to it. Hope you had an ok day today though - and yes, I like being on here to escape from being a mummy/cleaner/stresshead! And it is nice to see there are loads of people going through the same thing. I always feel guilty for leaving LO to have some me time but do find I am much better with her when I return because I have missed her and want to be back, rather than just being fed up and bored. I too have noticed I am always clenching my jaw and have such tense shoulders. Been having regular massages and they always say I am so tense and hard work! I also stress about LO when she is ill and sit outside her room listening to her sleeping, so I can hear her breathing, or have the monitor up so loud that DH can't sleep. I end up with all these scenarios going through my head and only fall asleep when I am so shattered. Anyways I ramble...I hope your day was ok today anyway. xx
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elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 18, 2008 21:26:00 GMT
Yesterday wasnt a bad day really. I didnt go for a walk, I tidyed up all morning inbetween feeding james and other stuff, then it came over cloudy so I convinced myself it was too cold to go out.
When I thought about it I think the real reason was I wasnt up to taking Abi for a walk, she runs off and I cant catch her and neither can her sisters. I did consider leaving her at my MIL's - she lives in the next street, but after finding out that she told my SIL everything I dont know how I will react when I next see her. So the thought of seeing her made me anxious so I didnt go. As it turned out James fell asleep at about 1.30 for a couple of hours so I wouldnt have gone till later anyway and its getting chilly then. However I did get into the garden. In the past (pre child no 4) when I was getting stressed I would garden, we moved into a new house last year and the garden is rather overgrown and still is! I find it very theraputic ripping out weeds and getting my hands dirty. I did imagine I could hear james all the time though - the older two must have got sick of me sending them to see if he was crying. Even where hes not near me I hear him.
I felt a sense of relief at 4pm when it was too late to go out,I know I am avoiding going out and meeting people but at the mo its easier. Today we are suppose to be going out for lunch as a family and I am kinda dreading it but G said he would take us all as a treat so I have to go, it takes 2 car journeys to get there cos we dont all fit in our car, I just dont want to be left on my ownwith Abi in case she runs. Plus the place we are going to last time we went there she ran out of the place and almost got to the road before G caught her.
I was going to try and have a relaxing bath last night but it didnt happen, I bathed and fed james in the bedroom while watching Home&Awsy (7pm here) I have started feeding him to sleep in our bed, if i try to move him he usually wakes up so this seems the simpler solution at the mo. I could hear Abs having a tantrum while I was doing it, I could feel my hands and teeth start to clench. I tried to breath and closed my eyes. Her behavious is a def trigger.
I bribed my eldest to get her ready for bed while I tidyed up and then paniced about what to do for dinner for me and G - how silly when I look back on it. He didnt want what I had suggested so I had to think of something else. I am sure hes gonna leave me when he thinks I am strong enough. I dunno why I am just convinced of it, hes not happy at the mo I know and our money problems dont help, the only consolation is i know he cant afford to leave at the mo!
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Post by littlelotty on Jul 18, 2008 22:02:47 GMT
Hi
Just wanted to say I have been reading your diary and I think you are doing so well. It must be very hard to cope with 4 children - I have enough trouble with one.
My LO is 21 months and she knows how to really push my buttons at the moment and I can feel myself getting more and more stressed with her - yet knowing that it does not help. I am learning better ways to manage her - although she still pushes me to the limit.
I think you are coping so well and just wanted to add that really.
We are all here for you hun and hope you are ok.
LittleLotty xx
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elspeth
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Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 19, 2008 13:58:36 GMT
Thanks for that lotty Unfortunately today was a bad day. As soon as I awoke I could feel the beginnings of an attack, I tried to surpress it. We where suppose to all be going out for lalte brekki/lunch; to be honest I was s**ting myself about it, as it turned out G woke up late and we decided to go tomorrow. I made myself go for a walk to the beach, I went with the the 2nd and 4th children, James slept part of the way but Ysi and I got a drink from the shop and sat outside the surf club watching the ocean for about an hour. When we got home the eldest told me that G has gone to my MILs with Abi - I was kinda relieved that i wasnt gonna have to deal with her to be honest. I spent the next hour panicking about what to do for dinner, in the end I asked G if we could get a take out, it wasnt that I couldnt cook - I just couldnt get my head around the fact I had to think of something to cook. A couple of conversations I had with my eldest today scared me, she mentioned two different conversations we had had recently and I didnt remember them, I kinda joked it off but in reality it scared me. I went to get the take out, I had to get money out of the bank first, and when I was at the cash point somone came up behind me to wait for there turn - all I could think was 'what if they are gonna slit my throat for my money' I was terrified, I could almost feel the knife going in. I grabbed the takeout and drove back, shouting at myself in the car for being so stupid. I know I should have asked G to go but i was trying to be 'normal' We got back and ate, I went for a bath to try and calm down, just as I was getting out he poped his head in to tell me he was going for a walk to clear his head. I nearly crapped myself. I sat on the veranda for over 30mins waiting for him, after that time James woke up for a feed, 5mins after I sat feeding him G got back, I think one look at my face told him how I felt. The next bit is a blur. I know he was upset that I had an attack, I sneaked outside and sat in the dark on the veranda with a cuppa until he came out nearly an hour later for a smoke. I bit my fingernails off cos I am sick of clawing my skin with them. I remember telling him how much I love him and how I hate feeling like this. I am going to bed now I need to calm myself down E x
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Post by bean on Jul 19, 2008 23:14:12 GMT
Hi Elspeth I'm sorry you're having a bad time at the mo, I know how you feel, I had a similar experience a couple of weeks ago when I forced myself to go to town to meet mum and dad to get Marthas photos done, as I was walking to town I saw two men standing near a shop and walked by, I thought they were following me and I braced mself cause I thought they were going to jump me from behind. Its f**king awful this panic, I dont know what the answer is we just have to try and fight it but it is so damn paralising where do we start? I hope you had a good sleep and feel more calm today.
Take care, thinking of you. Bean x
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Post by winegirl on Jul 20, 2008 10:22:16 GMT
Hi Elsepth
Sorry I wasnt around yesterday and have only just read your post.
I was just like that babes, trying to decide what to cook was like hell. And I too would cack myself if someone stood bahind me at a cash point. I would panic if I thought someone looked at me funny!
The anxiety does get better hun, I promise. Have you tried any natural stuff like back rescue remedy etc?? I used to use it to take the edge off thins a bit...
Here and listening xx
WG x
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