Elspeth's ramblings

[Bobyn]

OMG Elspeth, I really wish we were ALOT closer to be able to ahve shared all that over a bottle of wine with a large hug. You've really been through it all haven't you and you've lived to tell and tale and come out the other side. You are an amazingly strong woman and truly a fighter.
I hope you have a fabulous day (or rest of the day in your case) today and many more to come. You deserve some easy, happy times now.

Lots of love,
Bobsie xxxxx

[talkingincircles]

Hi Elspeth,

Have finally read your story so far. Its taken me a while. I love the way you write btw.
I agree with Bobyn you are a really strong person. You have SO much going on at the moment. 4 children is really hard work, plus a part time job!!!
It also sounds like you have not got much family support around you either to lighten the load.
I lived in sydney for six years, my little boy was born there. So I also know what you mean about it being so cold in the house. Sometimes it was warmer ourside the house than in.
I hope you continue to feel better.

TinCxx

[elspeth]

Thank you so much both of you for the support. Im not sure how I write I just type as it comes into my head. Tonight my thoughts are rather jumbled and going in circles due to total exhaustion.

Are you still in Aus TinC?

Anyway onto todays and yesterdays post....

I thought I was doing quite well yesterday, I had to be at my one on one therapy at 9.30 but my watch was fast and I started panicking cos I thought I was late. Then I couldn't find a parking space, so in the end I arrived out of breath and almost hyperventilating due to anxiety only to find out I was on time!

The session wasnt that good, my head was so spaced out, perhaps due to the meds and the anxiety and the fact I go into a total terror thing when I go out these days. She asked questions and I tryed to answer but I kept going of at a tangent. I was glad when it was over. As soon as it had finished it was time for my group therapy - its in the same building - 3 people didnt turn up which I think is a shame, at least in the group noone judges you and we all know what each other is going through.

We started off by watching a video on PND I think it was filmed in the 70's! Then we had to say how we where affected by the illness and a bit about how we felt about it. To be honest I was so terrified I couldnt speak, I couldnt get the oxygen into my lungs to talk. It was scary.

Not everyone got a chance to speak (one being me - obviously) and we are suppose to say our experiences next week, but the last thing we had to do before leaving was say if the session had helped in anyway.

I actually managed to blurt out that I felt slightly less anxious this week than I did last week, ha if last week was 100% this week was 99% big improvement aye! They did say that next week we will be focusing on anxiety so I am hoping that will help me.

After the meeting it was time to go to work, I grabbed a slice of choccy cake on the way out that someone had brought and figured that will have to be my lunch.

Work was uneventful except the PA kept coming in to ask me questions about computers, I know its my job but I really wasnt up for it. I tired to hide in my office as well as I could till hometime.

Today was a mixed day. My SIL turned up she bought me a book of quote about motherhood, I couldnt read it - It made me cry - I thanked her and said when I am stronger I will read it, I had a major anx attack while she was here, shakes and stammering, its the fact I had to interact with someone who isnt immediate family. She told me that years ago she had councelling and meds for anxiety and told me about the things she did to try and combat it. She offered to come around with a load of boxes to 'clean out all my crap' she thinks if my house is uncluttered so my head will be too.

I declined, I dont have that much to get rid off plus having my stuff around makes me feel safe. I feel safest in the bedroom where I can hide under the duvet. I have a TV in there and a LOT of books and lots of photos of friends back home in the UK. Its my sanctuary.

After she left I managed to calm down, I decided I needed to listen to music - not an easy thing when the 3 yo loves to watch kids TV - she has to have it on even when its not being watched!

I managed to get her drawing on the table - well on paper on the table. and turned the TV down and put some music on.

I had to laugh, her face lit up and she came and danced with me! It was so much fun, james was sat on the floor laughing at us.

I felt really good and like I had really connected with Abi.

Im very tired now, meds make me sleepy

g'night

xx

[monica]

Hi

glad your day ended on a high - it's funny how the simplest of things make kids laugh and it's such an amzing feeling.

Just read aboutyour past and think you are doing so well. You have gone through so much and you will also get through this. Glad you feel your ex about and that he's a source of comfort to you. it must have been hard. Don't feel guilty about meeting your partner after him. I think people grieve at different rates and are ready to move on at different times and it's great you've managed to do that.

Have a good night

Love

Monica

[talkingincircles]

Hi Elspeth,

I dont live in oz now (wish I did on many a day) I know its not all sunshine and beeches though. I was over there for 6 years and had my little boy, got pnd and that influenced our decision to come home.
Unfortunately Ive realised it isnt great for me to be around my family here in the UK, so I keep clear and have as little support here as I did there if that makes sense???
Love Sydney and miss it terribly. You will have to be my piece of sydney for now. LOL

I relate to having a three year old and and a young baby. Mine are 3 and 6months. I find the three year old hard work. He's a great kid and not really any trouble its just they require SO much energy and currently I just dont have it to give atm. Then comes the guilt. Anyway, dont know if you relate to any of that.

You are a very strong lady and sound like a very loving and caring mum. Direct some of that love and care on to yourself...you deserve it xx

[elspeth]

Thats both of you

Your 2 are the same as my younger ones TinC. And yes I relate to the guilt.

Im tired today,
tired of feeling like this
tired of not having enough sleep
tired of the same old boring routine
tired of having to think
and tired of just being me.

Outside its a beautiful sunny day but I feel like I just cant enjoy it. Ja is asleep (for now) and Abs is watching Shrek - again.

I have gone through the motions of putting washing on, hanging some out, preparing dinner, tidying up the house, but my head feels like its gonna explode. At least the anxiety is less today, thats one good thing about a non-work day, I dont have to face the world.

One good thing this weekend, G and I have decided to take it in turns to have a lie in on the weekend - so far 95% of time I get up with the little ones, but on his weekends off (1in3) I will now get to lie in Saturday and take off for a couple of hours in the afternoon. Not that I have any idea what to actually do. At the moment going anywhere fills me with dread, maybe I can just sit in the car on the headland and look out to sea, only thing is I have thoughts of just driving off there and crashing on the rocks below, so maybe on second thoughts thats not such a good idea.

better go J woke up
xx

[sianyc]

Do ANYTHING. Sit and have coffee somewhere or go for a walk, go swimming, window shop - ANYTHING. Exercise is good if you're up for it. Often the anxiety made me unable to sit still or do nothing so walking felt at least a little constructive as it stopped my backside growing!

[justme31]

Hi Elspeth
I can so relate to the thoughts and what u said about driving off a cliff....... but I think as Sianyc said Do anything to take ya mind off how u feelin(easier said then done I know). I was feelin like u last week and it was awful...I was meant to go to the seaside but didnt as I was scared cos of the thoughts that I might jump out the car on the motorway or jump off the pier........ these thoughts and feelin have passed now and they will for u too just hang in there. Sometimes when u feel terrible its just a matter of gettin through a day at a time....Do something that u feel comfortable doing when u feel like that......take LOs to the park,go shops, c a mate for coffee etc. This will past Elspeth and we always around if u need support.
How r things going with the meds...Hopefully they will start making u feel better soon?
Take care
Claire xx

[Bobyn]

Hi Elspeth,,

How about a swim? Or a manicure, or hair cut or just a long, beautiful walk? Or, go and grab a girly trashy magazine, the type you don't have time for anymore, and sit in a cafe reading it? (or a book if that's more your thing). I miss sitting down reading the papers on Sundays or just sitting watching the world go by at a cafe with a book.

And do NOT spend the time thinking of all the things you need to do when you get home or that week!!! Enjoy it lovely. xxx

[nicola1712]

Hi elspeth

That sounds like a lovely idea and just what you need. You will come to look forward to your time 'off' so to speak and it will give you time to recharge.

As Bobyn says, don't think about what you need to do when you get home, just do something relaxing....shopping, swimming, reading and don't feel guilty about having some me time either. That is my worst thing I feel so selfish when I have me time but we need it - esp you with four of them!!

xxx