elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 21, 2008 1:10:53 GMT
I did have some rescue remedy this am before I came into work - but to be honest its not doing anything.
I am sitting here after a crap w/e thinking maybe I should put J on bottles and just get the meds. I told my friend in the account office today - I wanted to know how much hols I had and let her know that I wont be here Thurs am (PND group mtgs) she was astounded when I told her I had PNI, I kinda laughed and said 'yea i hid it well' then burst out into tears.
J was up half the night, dunno if its teething or what, me and G ended up arguing - he seriously dosn't know what I am going through - its so frustrating. I have given him websites and the leaflets from the HV but he would rather watch films or play on the pc than read them.
He recons he should move out cos hes the trigger os a lot of my attacks, hell without him what am I gonna do. he also commented how normally I am so strong and how he always used to lean on me.
Yea well I think the branch has finally snapped from too much weight on it
I got the '4thweekend in a row' comment too - hell I dont LIKE being like this I f-ing hate it in fact. At 2am I was lieing in bed with my palms face up by my head imaging a knife being drawn across my wrists and throat I told him I knew he must hate me cos I hate myself
I feel sick
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Post by tabbysmum on Jul 21, 2008 8:25:50 GMT
Hi Elspeth,
So sorry you're having such a tough time. In respect of your other half, I think very few men do understand, unless I'm crying and hysterical my husband thinks everythings fine, which it definately isn't, sometimes my days feel like hell, but he wouldn't be aware and like yours is more interested in watching the tv or playing on the computer. When I was at my absolute worst I just felt like I was letting him down so much, I thought he probably wondered what had happenned to the woman he married and no longer loved me, but when I said all this to him he just said nothing could be further from the truth and he wished he could do something to help. Unfortunately on the whole I think a lot of men think you're just whinging and a bit down, they have no comprehension at all. I know years ago when I went through this the first time I just wanted to die, I couldn't bear to think I was going to be like that always, but I go through it then and I will again and so will you. Thank goodness for this site, it's been my lifeline. We're all here for you anytime you need anything.
Take care
TM x
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Post by nicola1712 on Jul 21, 2008 10:31:16 GMT
Hi elspeth
Must be a bloke thing - my DH much prefers watching tv or playing on computer too, to listening to me harping on.
Having a rough time myself at the moment so know how you feel. My DH has lost patience with me it seems and can't cope with the way I am so we are trying to sort it out. Well I am sending one sided texts at the moment and not getting much back so he is either very busy or very pissed off! Like you, am petrified he will just leave me instead.....
Friend of mine suggested that if I can get counselling from docs then maybe he should go along too so he can see and hear what I am going through...
Anyways I ramble...hope you have a better day today
xx
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Post by justme31 on Jul 21, 2008 11:05:13 GMT
Hi Elspeth Am sorry you are having a tough time hun and I know that your OH is probably making you feel ten times worse....its not what you wana hear is it that he thinks it best to leave when u feel like you do at the moment. Men are sooo frustrating aint they.....I dont think any of them have a clue whats its like to be going through what you are going through now. I have given up tellin my OH how I feel when its regarding the PNI and I feel like it has helped me as I dont have to have him keep throwin it back in my face and labelin me mental. U will get through this with or without his support(his support would be helpful though)...just hang in there and I promise u are not gunna feel like this forever. I wanted to ask u.....u mentioned about meds r u taking any? For me and many other woman these can b a turing point..... am on antids and I feel a hell of a lot better then I did a few months ago. Might b worth looking into...anything is better then feeling the way u are at the moment. We are here if u need to talk. Hope today is a better day for u Take care Claire xx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jul 21, 2008 14:46:16 GMT
Hi Elspeth,
I'm so sorry you've been having a crap few days of it. I totally understand being at you absolute wits end with it all and lying in bed having those sorts of thoughts. It's just so horrible. I can tell you though, and I'm sure that you already know this, that when J gets a little bit older (maybe 2 or 3 months) he won't be nearly so demanding of you as he will start to become a little bit more independent and you should feel like you get just a little more space and can breath again. I kind of felt that happen to me once Jamie could crawl and I would get just 10 mins have a cup of tea. He was very clingy although I wasn't breast feeding and I never did with either of mine because of meds and I was told I couldn't (although I now know you can).
It would probably be worth getting back to your doctor and telling him about your thoughts. I know this can seem impossible but he WILL have seen other people with exactly the same thing as what you are going through so won't be shocked. I don't want to harp on about meds because it is a very personal thing as to whether you want to take them or not but why suffer when you don't necessarily need to. As I said you are just as important as all of the people in your house (if not more because you look after them all!) so you need looking after as well. Have you sat your husband down and had a really good talk to him about exactly what you are going through?? He may not fully understand how you are feeling. I told my OH about feeling suicidal and how I was afraid of doing something stupid and it was the kick up the arse he needed. I think he realised that hings were serious and now he does help out a lot although I do have to tell him how I am feeling all of the time so that he knows.
I hope you have a bit of a better day today and keep talking on here.
Big hugs,
Lara xx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 23, 2008 4:36:31 GMT
Thanks for those comments, Its kinda a relief to know I am not the only one who feels like this. Monday night I went bed early and it was lucky I did as I was up at 1.30am with D3 who was being sick, not sure how much sleep her or me got but I was glad I wasn't at work Tuesday. She slept part of the day - very unlike her but seemed to brighten up later, then we all trooped the hos for D1 to get her stick removed - she was very brave . DH had been very quite so when he went for a smoke I followed him. and asked if he was mad at me. he just said hes rather wary of me at the mo, as he never knows how I will react to anything - understandable I guess - I never know myself ffs. He did seem a bit brighter after the chat, I still feel like I am the one trying to hold it all together though. D3 slept in the lounge last night as she fell asleep there in the evening and we left the fire burning low to keep the room warm.. She is having a nap this pm - once again unusual for her. I got my shopping delivered last night (thank god for online ordering) but a couple of things I needed where sold out so I will have to collect them today after getting D2 from school. Luckily D1 finished early today so she will babysit D3 and DS while I get D2 (so many kids!) I figure if I number them its easier for ppl to understand in realation to their ages. I am wandering around the house like a zombie, not sure what to do, I sat here for 10 mins at the laptop before I remembered why I sat down. I have the first of the PND group mtgs tomorrow - Im cacking it. gtg James is awake
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Post by cheshire on Jul 23, 2008 11:28:31 GMT
Hi Elspeth,
Hope the group meeting goes ok. Was it quite informal? Helpful?
Hopefulxx
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larsbars
Senior Member
Mummy to Daisy 3 1/2 & Jamie 2.
Posts: 415
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Post by larsbars on Jul 23, 2008 18:39:08 GMT
Hi Elspeth....I do that zombie thing all of the time. I'm always going round thinking why am here and what did i go upstairs for. I find it hard to concentrate on anything at the moment. It's just like everything is really wishy washy in my head and I can't seem to get any clarity.
I hope your group session goes well tomorrow. It's always daunting going to something new and then having to pour out your innermost thoughts but make the most of it. I was offered this group support after I had my first but I didn't really have PNI then (I have a history of depression so this is why it was offered to me) but then when I did have PNI after the second they weren't running the group because of funding. Great!!
Take care x
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 24, 2008 5:34:46 GMT
Thanks for the messages My head is pounding; I had anxiety all the way there and through the support group. Apparently its the largest group they have ever had. 14 of us. I did speak to one other mother who was breastfeeding and taking meds she is on Zoloft (I think) anyway I decided to call in and see my doc about AD's as I know I do need them, but I am terrified of being on them too. I paniced all the way to the docs and sat there in terror waiting for him to see me. I told him I had PND and needed depressents and I needed ones I could take while breastfeeding and had been told that Zoloft was ok. So he gave me Efexor-xr. Due to the fact hes prescibed me the wrong meds in the past I googled Egexor before getting the meds. Now as far as I can see they are NOT recommended in b/f women. So I phoned him and I am to get a prescription for Zoloft, which means leaving work early and getting a script ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why didnt he just listen to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel so f***ing s**t I could scream, I have had enough fo this, no sleep again due to a 3yo having tantrums and wanting to watch harold and his stupid purple crayon at stupid times in the morning. 1.30am is NOT a good time for TV but she wont belive me. I am so stressed, I just want to sleep and sleep
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Post by sianyc on Jul 24, 2008 8:11:46 GMT
Hi Elspeth I'm a bit late but welcome to the diary section anyway. I used it LOADS myself up until about 6 months ago and found it fab for offloading all my crap It was only really as I read one of your entries about feeling guilty for leaving the house but desperately needing a break that I realised that was a big thing for me too. I feel so dense for not knowing that!! I went away for my 30th to center parcs (with my 2 girls and oh) and was so worried about being away from them that I smugdged the lovely pedicure I'd just paid £40 for by putting my shoes on too soon to rush back. That was 6 months ago. I'm glad to say that feeling has gone now and I savour every second I get a break ;D My oh talked about leaving too. Not just to me thankfully or it may actually have happened. I took everything out on him as he was the closest person to me and the only one I saw every day. I could hide things from everyone else cos I would only see them for short periods. He's said the same as you oh - that he thought the PNI was down to him and that I would be much better without him, that I was treating him like that cos I didn't love him anymore but couldn't tell him etc etc. Couldn't have been further from the truth if he's tried. Of course, the reality was that I just couldn't help what I was doing. The meds helped loads, along with vit b, evening primrose and resuce remedy. PMT is still a killer some months but from going on the meds, I went from say 5 out of 7 bad days to 2 out of 7 over a few months. I'll stop rambling on now x
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Post by nicola1712 on Jul 24, 2008 18:50:30 GMT
Sorry you are feeling so down at the moment but as you can see it is perfectly normal cos we all get like that too.
My Dh doesn't know how to handle me sometimes too and is often wary of me cos he never know whether he will get his head bitten off or not.
Well done on checking up those pills though and maybe once you start taking the new ones things will help. did they say if they take a while to start working, or any possible side effects maybe? Mine took a couple fo weeks to get going but are good now....yea PMT is a big test for the pills, if it gets you through that then bingo!
Hope you had a better day today hun.
xxx
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 25, 2008 4:08:08 GMT
Sianyc I can so relate to what your saying and sadly I could see me messing up a ped too! Nicola he did say it could take a few weeks, and I am so glad I checked on them, when I went back to collect my new script he hadnt done it cos he couldnt find ones that we actually recommended so I told him again to give me Zoloft, he ended up phoning a psychiatrist he knew to see what to prescribe and guess what - he was told Zoloft. Yesterday was hellish, by the time I got home I was in a right state. Once I had the younger kids in bed i relaxed a bit and spoke to G about my day, hes gald I am going onto the AD's I just hope he dosnt expect it to be a quick fix, I did tell him it will be a bit hellish for the next couple of weeks. I am not sure how i feel about the Group thing yet, I was so anxious yesterday that I couldnt really get into it but I will persevere with it my next 1 on 1 meeting with a therapist is the hour before the meeting in the same building so I cant really get out of it I had an app with the HV today as it was a different one to the last one I had to recap some stuff that wasnt on the notes but as she had been though a similar thing it was helpful. We also discussed D3s behaviour and how i think its one of the major triggers on my attacks she told me to bring it up with my therapist, which I was going to do anyway. I left D3 with my MIL but avoided talking to her as I no longer trust her after she blabbed. She did make a comment on how she hoped me and G would get back together properly - that threw me - I didnt realize we wern't! It started a panic attack and if it wasnt for the fact that I discovered he had sent me a 'virtual sweetheart scroll" it could have gotten out of hand. I will mention it tonight though to him, maybe he has said something to them about us breaking up - I hope not because I though me and him where doing ok at the mo although when I have an attack directed at him he might think otherwise. I feel really 'foggy' today and unable to concentrate - its taken nearly 3 hours just to write this far. Its not the usual anxiety but different maybe its me imagining side effects to the Ad's already. I gtg and get D2 from school will try and psot later
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Post by sianyc on Jul 25, 2008 7:49:17 GMT
Try not to do very much today. I remember the fuzzy days well and would often try to 'work' myself out of them. I felt like I hadn't woken up properly and that being busy would make me come around. Didn't work ever best to have a telly day x
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 25, 2008 10:32:51 GMT
I like the idea of a telly day lol
its now eve here and my head is a bit clearer, just doing dinner and then its try to get some ME time before J wakes up for an eve feed.
I did the behaviour thing with D3, but D1 said she didnt understand why I was doing it and yet she is the one who shouts loudest when she plays up kids eh!
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elspeth
Full member
Mum of 4, aged 15,10,3 and 6mths
Posts: 90
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Post by elspeth on Jul 26, 2008 11:47:02 GMT
Day 2 of the meds.
I woke up at 2 am with an dreadful anxiety attack, hellish.
When i rewoke at 8am I didnt feel too bad so took my pill and an hour later I stupidly decided to go and get my nephews birthday pressie, I say stupid cos 5 mins down the road I was terrified. I serioulsy dont know how I got to the shop and back, but when I did get back I was shaking. G said he was surprised I decided to go I think now he realises how bad the attaks are. I aslso found an email printed out about a house he enquired about to move into - so you can imagine how I felt about that. he says hes not taking it cos its a 6mth lease and he dosnt want that he just wants to move out for a couple of months for some space. I wish I could do that.
This pm we went to my SIL's to give her, her husband and my nephew their b-day pressies (bloody expensive time) her best friend was there with her 2mth baby and husband and they where all cooing over her daughter and James, I just wanted to run away. then a couple of my SILs friends called her and she invited them over. I nearly crapped it then and there. Since we left the house I had been shaking. G looked at me and mouthed 'do you want to go' hell yea! I couldnt get out fast enough, I think my SIL was shocked I wanted to go, she knows I have PNI but maybe she dosnt realise how bad my attacks are. I told her quietly that I had started on meds she said she will come over in the week and see me. As she has been on Ad's in the past hopefully she will remember the first few weeks are the worst.
This is one of the reasons I so didnt want to go on meds, I feel like crap constant anxiety.
Our homework for the PND group is to do something for ourself this week, I have been wracking my brains as to what to do. Going anywhere is out of the question esp as I am now terrified of driving (I hope I can get to work monday!) So I thought a 2 hour bath with a book might do it. But the words just danced before my eyes. I shaved my legs (oh bliss) but then started to slice skin off the soles my feet with the razor. So I got out.
Its not deep, I can still walk ok, I have taken too much off in the past which made it difficult walking, but people rarly see the soles of your feet so its easy to hide.
I hope I can function ok tomorrow - I have to do the washing esp the kids school uniforms. The weekend goes too fast.
Well hopefully I have 20mins before bed so I will read some other posts g'night xx
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