Shells battle with self harm

[monica]

Hi

Can you mention to your solicitor or the psychologist how your ex keeps changing his mind? It's not fair on you and makes you feel worse.

Well done oj fighting urge to SH! You're doing well

love

Monica

[michelle79]

its the psychologist who told me how phil has changed hois mind and hoping that hes made a not of it. I am sure he is just doing it to get to me so that I will self harm and Im sorry but this time I am not giving in. I read my letter to s/h again and it makes me want to fight it so much

[winegirl]

Thats brill Shell!

How have you been last couple of days? And how is your arm?

WG x

[michelle79]

My wrist still a little painful when you touch it but otherwise ok. Bit swollen on the bone but its fine!

I have been ok for last couple of dys except i am starting to get urges to cut again. Its nearly been 2 weeks since I last cut and I want it to go further but I cant fight it - its too hard. I have no will power to stop it. I cant see an end to the harming. Everyone says it will come but I dont know.

Shell xxx

[monica]

Two weeks - that's fabulous! Read your letters again - they are so inspiring. You will get there - when you feel like you do it can feel as if there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is.

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

not good - i gave in. Ended up cutting both arms badly so another trip to a & e. When will this ever end? Another 10 days before I can wear t-shirts again I hope we dont get another heatwave. I think I am going to have to ring my cpn tomorrow. I cant carry on like this.

[winegirl]

Sorry to hear that Shell

Did you ring the CPN today??

[michelle79]

No I never rang her - i need to learn to start ringing people and stop being scared of the phone. I was hoping she would ring me because today was her first day back after being sick and she would need to rearrange an appt with me as she was sick for my last one. Maybe she will ring tomorrow and save me having to ring her.

I have the assessment on thursday for the DBT ans I am dreading it now that its getting nearer. Not so much the assessment but becuse I have to go to somewhere I have never been before and that scares me. I dont know if I want to go through with the DBT - I doubt it will work. I am stuck with the self harm.

[monica]

It's worth sticking with the DBT and I guess the assessment will show your suitability - anthing that can help you break this vicious circle is positive.

how ar eyour cuts?How are you this evening?

Love

Monica

[michelle79]

Not doing too good - cant get my abuser out of my head - I saw him a couple of weeks ago and it upset me and scared me and then I saw his mam yesterday. They all seem to live here now. I moved away from home to be away from him and now they all have moved here too. It scares me that he can get to me. I want to move far away but cant because of Jack. Because he is in my head so is all the memories and flashbacks of what he did to me and it makes me self harm because I feel to blame and dirty and ashamed and it makes me punish myself. I shouldnt let him get to me but he does and I cant see me ever being free from it all.

I will give the DBT a go but tbh I cant see anything working. Tried psychology for nearly a year and that didnt help. I cant fight it. Its too strong sometimes and sometimes I have cut before I even realise what I am doing.

My arms are still painful as the cuts were very deep and big Should settle in a day or two. I wish I could wake up and be over the self harm. Nothing will ever help because I have to help myself and its too hard.

[winegirl]

Sorry just seen your post Shell.

You ok? How are you this morning? Sounds like you were quite upset last night, hoping you are better thsi afternoon??

WG xx

[michelle79]

still not too good - i wish I could have my life back and for it to be happy and normal. I wish I could be free of all the memories and stuff thats happened to me It is wearing me down.

I ended up ringing my cpn (support worker at the centre I go to made me ring her) and I talked to her a little but didnt tell her much and she is coming to see me on friday morning so I just have to get to then and then I need to be brave enough to speak about whats been happening.

I have to cut - Im sorry but I am determined not to go deep this time.

[winegirl]

Please dont Shell.. read the letter you wrote to it, remind yourself why you dont want to.

[michelle79]

I went to the DBT assessment and it went ok! There will be 2 hr group therapy covering 4 modules: mindfulness, emotions, distress management and interpersonal relationships and then I will have 1 hr individual therapy where I can talk about my problems and the self harm etc . There is a wait for the group therapy - about month to 2months at most but can start individual sooner. She will be ringing me on Monday to tell me when to expect a start date for both. She said however that we couldnt talk about the abuse and rapes in detail yet because of the self harm and that I have to have been s/h free for about a year and have less than 3 urges a week so it feels like I will never get to deal with it all because I cant see me going a year s/h free.

Had date for next court hearing for 26th October which seems an eternity away so was getting into a state that it will be months before I see Jack but when I rang to confirm I would be attending I told her the psychologist was writing his report next week so she said if she gets it she will see what he recommends in it and if contact is recommended (which I think it is) then she will try to get it reinstated straight away and if she cant get it reinstated then she will apply to bring the court hearing forward. So looking positive there.

Saw cpn this morning and couldnt face talking to her about 'him'. I told her I saw him and it was the reason behind the overdose and that the self harm has been worse since and we talked about what to do if I see him again and that once I am home to ring my friend or my mam and spend time with them and talk it through with them instead of letting it get to me and make me do bad things. I told her a little bit about stuff that happened but not a lot and she says he sounds like a psychopath and she understands my fear and upset and distress over him. She has took me off the anti-psychotics so bit scared that I will get the bad thoughts back like I had when I wanted to kill Jack. But I suppose if I get bad I can ring her and she will go back to the psychiatrist and sort something out. I hate the idea that I have come off them.

[monica]

Hi

All sounds positive! The DBT sounds really good - you say you can't imagine going for a year without S/h - but you WILL get to that point. I can remember when in the depth of pni never imagining I could feel 'normal' but I did get there. Also sounds as if the therapy is long term (have I got that right).

Fingers crossed re: contact with Jack - a friend of mine had contact with family courts and she also complained everything is so slow but looks like things are progressing.

How are you today?

Monica