michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 28, 2008 10:08:37 GMT
woohoo - a diary section just for self harm. Well done and thank you for creating it. I really hope this works and i will use it for when im going to/when i have had to self harm.
Battling with the thoughts and the voice inside my head telling me to self harm again. I know i need to fight it but its hard. Going to go out shortly and then will go to drop in centre at 4 but then i have to try and get through the night. I ended up s/h yesterday and had to have stitches - 3rd time in a week and if i do it again today then its not going to be good. I want to cut so much but if only i could just keep it to a minimum instead of going so deep all the time.
I feel like this is so out of control and my cpn and psych dont understand and the helpline people only listen and dont understand and i feel like i am totally alone in this.
Shell
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Post by marion on Aug 28, 2008 11:46:30 GMT
Hi Shell
Self harm was a big part of my illness for me. My arms are covered in scars and I have to wear long sleeves all the time to stop beig stared at and to protect my little girl.
But I havent self harmed since March so you can get throguh it. It';s so hard to stop thoguh isnt it? I found iit was all I could think about until I did it and it was only then that i got a bit of peace. It's like a compulsion people dont understand.
Here if you ever need me.
Loe
Marion.
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Post by winegirl on Aug 28, 2008 12:36:47 GMT
Hi Shell
I am glad you are pleased that we have added this section. x
I think if you go back to hospital again for self harming it really is gonna be a bit of a problem for you. I understand the compulsion to do it, and I know that nothing anyone says can stop you from doing it if you are going to do it.
But I do hope that talking about it here might help you a bit??
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 28, 2008 20:20:35 GMT
Hi Marion - so good to hear from someone who knows what i am going through and i am so pleased to hear that you been s/h free since March. Well done. You must be so proud of yourself. I have s/h again tonight  and prob needs stitches but cnt face going to a & e for 4th time in one week so just dressed it and hoping for best. Seeing nurse tomorrow morning anyway to get stitches out of my arms so will mention it to her and see what she says. She maybe able to steri-strip it or something?  ? Feeling bit calmer now that i have s/h and should be ok for rest of night now. |
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Post by winegirl on Aug 28, 2008 20:24:30 GMT
Hi Hun
Are you sure you are ok to just leave it dressed? Perhaps you should just go and get it checked to beon the safe side?? It would be awful if it got infected...
Good that you are feeling calmer.
You ok?
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 28, 2008 21:03:45 GMT
i cant really go back to the hospital. I just going to have to live with it. Its covered over so hopefully wont be infected and will just see what nurse says tomorrow. Feeling that she will be shaking her head at me. (I always see same nurse)
Dont really know how im feeling now. Im starting to think about how and where to cut next.
I hate this - is it ever going to end. I cant fight it and i know i am the only one who can stop it. I want to go back to the psych hospital and see if that helps as thinking that it will help break cycle and get the support but i doubt they will admit me.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Aug 29, 2008 7:42:51 GMT
Hi Shell
In all seriousness would you want to be amiited for a bit? I think at this stage they probably would. It is not an ideal, but at least under supervision you would not have the chance to cut...
How are you feeling this morning? Is the nurse coming round soon??
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Aug 29, 2008 15:47:48 GMT
went to see nurse and was very weird. I told her what i had done last night and she looked at it then said she would be right back and left me alone - for all of a minute when she sent a receptionist to sit in with me whilst she went and spoke to my dr. Came back about 10 mins later and said that i need to go to a & e and if i dont they will have to do something instead to close wound - so told her i didnt want to go to a & e so she steri-stripped it and covered it over. Already had a cut from saturday which was never looked at and when i took off the dressing whilst i was there it was all pusy and looks like it might be infected so have to keep eye on it. Have to go back tuesday to see nurse so she can check them out then.
Never even got to see jack today because tried asking phil what we were going to do and sugessted that we go to my house and then to park and he said that because of the s/h only the park and then he said i dont deserve to see jack so i said fine its jack that suffers so he said fine and had a go about not getting better. So not seen my little boy and dont know when i will be able to.
How do you stop the voice in your head telling you what to do when its so strong. I try to fight it but it wins all the time and i give in. Feel like giving in again now and doing something.
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Post by bam02 on Aug 31, 2008 21:10:49 GMT
How are you Shelle ?
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 1, 2008 16:58:58 GMT
sorry not been around. cut my wrist on friday night and cut through tendon so had to have surgery on it on saturday and only just come home from hospital. Had to stay in whilst they gave me IV antibiotics and painkillers and also because i was considered high risk of doing it again. Saw liason psychiatry and wanted them to admit me to psych hospital again but they didnt but i never asked either so going to maybe see what cpn says tomorrow. Left to cope on my own tonight and bit scared of myself. Taking ages to type this as can only use one hand!
Completely out of control now and i dont know how to stop it. I need to be readmitted so that i can stop the voices and get through it
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 1, 2008 17:04:37 GMT
Hi Shell
My sausages are burning, so sorry this is quick.
Firstly I am soooo sorry for what happened on Friday.
Secondly, I think you are rught in wanting to be ammited and ask your CPN to do so if it helps you through this..
Thirdly, I will be back in a bit but it wont be will about 21.00 if you want to talk.
Always here for you babes xxx
WG x
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Post by bean on Sept 1, 2008 19:48:18 GMT
Hi Shell
Hows your wrist tonight? I was pleased to hear back from you today. Please look after yourself tonight and if youre struggling you need to call someone for help, I wish youd come on here on Friday we could have talked.
Take care tonight hun, speak tomorrow?
Luv bean x
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Post by winegirl on Sept 1, 2008 21:53:15 GMT
Hi Shell
You ok babes??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 2, 2008 12:29:40 GMT
Hi
went to bed early as had hardly any sleep in hospital and was shattered.
Still waiting for cpn to ring me - why are they so useless.
Gave my mam all my blades this morning. Just got to fight the urge not to buy anymore. This voice in my head never goes away.
My wrist still painful and on painkillers and antibiotics for it. Got no sympathy for myself though as i did it to myself.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 2, 2008 14:09:15 GMT
Hi Shell
You have done so right getting rid of all the blades. Great start. Keep bedgering the CPN babes too....
Around on and off al day today hun x
Thinking of you
WG xx
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and prob needs stitches but cnt face going to a & e for 4th time in one week so just dressed it and hoping for best. Seeing nurse tomorrow morning anyway to get stitches out of my arms so will mention it to her and see what she says. She maybe able to steri-strip it or something?
? 
