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Post by cheshire on Sept 8, 2008 8:21:29 GMT
Hi Shell,
So sorry to hear too that you've been back to A&E. I know how hard it is to resist the urges - it's so hard to explain too isn't it?
How are you today?
xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 8, 2008 18:31:01 GMT
I wish these thoughts would go away. Why am i constantly wanting to hurt myself. I must be some sadistic and awful person to constantly keep disfiguring myself and inflicting all this pain. CPN finally rang me today and i have to see her on wednesday but dont really see any point because she cant help me. Nobody can.
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 9, 2008 17:11:55 GMT
Might as well give in with everything - the self harm, getting better and seeing jack.
Rang social services and they cant help me - they cant supervise contact as they dont do contact disputes (even though they were previously involved with me and jack) and i have had to ring solicitor again and still cant get through to him as he is constantly out of the office and they say they will get him to ring me back but he never does. It looks like we prob going to have to go back to court but dont see the point if phil isnt willing to let anyone supervise. I might as well forget about Jack.
All I want to do now is hurt myself so much. I need to hurt myself and need to do it bad. Im supposed to be going round a friends shortly and now i dont think i will as i want to cut instead. Im not even going to fight it tonight. Theres no point. I deserve this as all this mess is my own fault.
Shell
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Post by cheshire on Sept 9, 2008 20:29:19 GMT
Hi Shell,
Did you go to your friends? Was it ok?
Don't blame yourself - it doesn't work like that - you are special for coping with this
Hxxx
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Post by cheshire on Sept 10, 2008 7:19:15 GMT
Hi Shell,
Just wondering how you are today?
xx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 10, 2008 7:58:52 GMT
Hi Shell
Do NOT give up. Get better. Get better and then fight for your son.
I know when yu are constantly being knocked back it all feels pointless, but each knockback should make you stronger to fight more...
Are you ok this morning??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 10, 2008 15:16:18 GMT
Ive been to see con today and then done my course and had to pretend evrything was ok when in fact its not and im not ok either. Didnt even talk to my cpn about the voices and thoughts or the fact that i keep self harming and have done every day since sunday or the fact that i feel really bad. Whats the point. she cant help me anyway. Just got to do that myself. she doesnt even understand. Talked about phil stopping contact with Jack and how its made me feel but that was about it really. Have to see her in 2 weeks as she is really busy catching up on caseloads from when she was off sick last week and cant see me next week.
I know I shouldnt give up but tbh i dont really know how i feel about Jack and whether i really deep down want to see him. I dont know what to do and i cant fight for Jack because i dont feel like i want to. Its so much easier to carry on without him and if that means i keep s/h then so be it. I dont get stronger after each setback - i just get worse and find it harder to pick myself up. I wish i could just hide away from everyone and be safe.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 10, 2008 17:25:07 GMT
Oh Shell, I dont know what to say really...
You will feel differently when you get better I am certain, but you need to get better soon.
How are you feeling this evening? You know we are here xx
WGx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 10, 2008 17:31:07 GMT
I wish I could get better soon. I hate being this way. Its not fair. I deserve to be happy for a change but i cant see it. Jack needs a better mummy than me. Maybe if i forget about him and let phil find a new wife and she can be a better mum to jack than ive ever been.
Having really strong urges to s/h still - im trying to fight it but still got a long time left to go before bed.
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Post by cheshire on Sept 10, 2008 19:36:47 GMT
Hi Shell,
Know what you mean about evenings, dragging on..and worst time of day..
Hang on in there Shellxx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 10, 2008 20:40:11 GMT
well useless and worthless again - gave in and cut. I hate this so much. Why cant everything be ok. I want to scream so much and wish i could go round and thump phil big style. I hate him and i hate jack for ruining my life.
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Post by winegirl on Sept 10, 2008 20:54:30 GMT
Hi Shell
You ok? How are you cuts now? Oh babes I wish I could come round with a crappy dvd and keep you company for the ight. You only feel this way because you are poorly. You only hate phil and jack because you are ill, its your poorly mind making you think this way.
Are you ok? Are your cuts bad or will you be able to take your meds and get off to bed??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 10, 2008 21:03:35 GMT
I hate being 'poorly' - it sucks. Why cant i have my lfe back. Everyone keeps saying i should get angry but i get angry and hurt myself so that doesnt solve anything so why should i get angry in the first place. I feel so much anger and hatred and hurt and upset and dont even know what im doing with myself anymore.
I really should go to a & e to get one of the cuts looked at but dont want to so just covered it over and hoping for the best. Ive taken my meds but they dont send me off to sleep anymore.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 10, 2008 21:11:45 GMT
You will have your life back, I am sure of that. It all seems impossible now and perahps it is in the immediate future, but you have not had the right phsyciatric help and support through this. You have gone through more than many of us could ever imagine, and you need help to deal with all this, not a CPN who calls when he can fit you in!!
Get yourself off to a&e with that cut and tell them you have had enough and want help, now, tonight. Threaten whatever but you need this hun. I hate the fact that we are all so far away and unable to be there in person for you.
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 10, 2008 21:21:21 GMT
they just tell me the same thing over and over again - the only person who can help me and stop these things is ME and they never want to help. Maybe there isnt anything wrong with me and thats why they dont help because they dont see a problem.
I really dont want to go to a & e. They dont say anything anyway - just patch me up and send me back home.
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