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Post by winegirl on Sept 11, 2008 7:45:44 GMT
Hi Shell
How are you doing this morning mate???
I hope your cut is ok? Let us know how you are when you get a minute xx
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 11, 2008 20:00:04 GMT
Had to go to a & e this morning after my psychology appt at the hospital because the cut was so deep and wouldnt stop bleeding so had to let them stitch it. I really need to stop doing it so bad so that i can start doing it without telling anyone. But I always seem to go too far because i need to. Decided im not going to fight for jack anymore.
Shell
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Post by bean on Sept 12, 2008 19:18:50 GMT
Hi Shell
I know you probably dont believe it but you will keep fighting for Jack cause you love him I know how much you care for others. You're an amazing person you're just not seeing it. - I need to go but will try to come back when Ive settled M.
Sending you love and hugs tonight hun
beanx
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Post by monica on Sept 13, 2008 13:01:35 GMT
Hi
How are you today? Just been catching on your posts. Keep fighting!! Jack needs you and you need Jack. You have PNI really badly but the system has let you down and you keep getting passed from pillar to post and nobody helps you. This illness is crippling. I agree with Bean - you have so much to offer - anyone who reads your posts can see that - I just wish you would! But that's so typical of this illness - it's all about negative emotions and being down on yourself.
Love
Monica
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Post by winegirl on Sept 13, 2008 20:20:28 GMT
Hi Shell
Sorry, havent been around for a couple of days and just catching up. How are you doing babes? Sorry you ended up back in hospital sweetie. How are you feeling tonight?
Sending you massive hugs (())
WG xx
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Post by cheshire on Sept 14, 2008 10:28:58 GMT
Hi Shell,
Been thinking of U - hope you're ok
Hx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 15, 2008 17:50:31 GMT
i have so much hatred and so much guilt and am feeling so low and lonely and struggled with the thoughts of self harm. Had such strong urges last night and nearly gave in but ended up going to bed where i was safe and lay awake for hours and hours thinking of cutting. Woke up this morning and the urges and thoughts were even stronger and i needed to feel some pain so i gave in and cut my arm badly. Went to a & e and had to have staples. Still struggling. Its not stopped the thoughts and i still want to hurt myself. I was told to ring my cpn but didnt because whats the point - she doesnt understand and cant help. I feel totally alone in this. I hate these voices and thoughts in my head and wish i could switch off from them
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Post by winegirl on Sept 16, 2008 8:15:47 GMT
Hi hunny
Sorry I wasnt around last night. How you feeling this morning?
Seriously, this CPN needs sorting. I think you need more help than support at home can offer.
What are you doing today??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 16, 2008 8:21:36 GMT
Hi WG
Still struggling this morning, i two minds whether i should ring my cpn. I dont know if there will be any point because she cant help and tbh i dont know what to say. I havent even got an appointment with her this week as because she was off sick for those few days she is behind and needs to catch up so got to wait til next thursday before i see her.
Been to doctors to get staples out of leg that i did a week ago and got lecture about cutting and that one day i will get septacemia and die! Cheers for that nurse!!!
Going to drop in at 4 til 6. Thats about it for me today. Just got to hope i can keep away from sharp objects. Why is it so hard to NOT CUT
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 16, 2008 8:26:14 GMT
Seriously would you consider talking to the CPM having a bit of time somewhere where you are watched and can not cut?? Not the greatest time of your life, but a bit like detox you could do with having no opportunity to do it for a while until you learn to live without doing it...]
What happens at drop in? What do they do there?
WG x
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 16, 2008 8:31:53 GMT
I do seriously keep thinking about going back to the psych unit but just cant bring myself to ask the question whether i can or not. I think im waiting for them to suggest it and they never wil so it will prob never happen. Thing is i could live wihout it whilst in the unit but once im home again and something sets me off i will prob cut again and then it would have been a waste of time.
At the drop in i normally go and have cuppa with other people with mental health problems and sometimes do activities and on weds i do courses. Today we are meeting at the leisure centre rather than the centre and we have the chance of swimming or gym but as i cant do either because my wrist still bandaged up and cant move it still i'm going to have a cuppa in the cafe with another member.
Shell
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Post by winegirl on Sept 16, 2008 8:36:44 GMT
Think I would be in the cafe anyway mate - with or without a poorly wrist!
The pysch unit might not be a cure bt certainly a way to get back on the ladder to beating it. Certainly worth consideration babes...
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 16, 2008 17:34:52 GMT
feeling so low and upset and hating it all. Talked to friend at drop in and she started going on about jack and me not seeing him and we ended up talking about it and now i just feel so upset. I hate not seeing him. I hate not actually having him home with me. I am so jealous of everyone who has been ill and been allowed to keep their kids. Really fed up now and on verge of doing something bad. I dont care anymore. I hate being here. Its not fair
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Post by winegirl on Sept 16, 2008 17:37:44 GMT
But getting netter is the only answer to being with jack again. You are right, its bloody not fair, and I have never figured out why life hands out some crap cards, but you are the one who can make it better with the right support. It infuriates me that your CPN is crap and you are not getting the right help at the moment.
Did you manage to ring him today??
WG xx
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michelle79
Senior Member
mummy to Jack born 2004 and had pni since his birth
Posts: 471
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Post by michelle79 on Sept 16, 2008 17:45:32 GMT
Im never going to get the right support so does that mean i am never going to be better? I cant see it. Im never going to have full custody of jack and prob wont even get shared custody because of my history so whats the point of it all. I cant bear thinking of whats happened over the last couple of years since jack was born. Its too much for me. I cant deal with any of it. I wish i could bloody cry but these meds numb me so much and I cant cry. No i never rang my cpn - didnt see the point as she cant help me.
I dont want to be here anymore. Im too tired of it all. All I am good at is hurting myself and thats what i need to do now.
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