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Post by bean on Sept 3, 2008 12:32:27 GMT
All night Ive been hearing the words of this song in my brain (by Chumbawumba) - Open your eyes time to wake up enough is enough is enough is enough!
Been thinking what to write to make sense cause thoughts dont really make sense to me at the mo.
The last few days have been a nightmare and I WANT IT TO STOP! I came so close to killing myself Sunday night after what had been a great day, my Dads surprise 65th birthday party which i really enjoyed and relaxed at. My mum had tears in her eyes and i asked her what was up, she said it was like having the old Tina back, she said I looked great and was full of fun and laughter, I felt happy too which is a strange feeling these days, my friend said same but the one person who I think needed to see it was my hubby and he didnt at all.
When I asked him why he got angry later at home it was like red rag to a bull and we had the worst row weve had, I actually lost my temper which i never normally do and I screamed in his face that I wanted him to hit me I wanted him to give me the excuse I needed to leave. Of course he didnt he just laughed in my face. Thats when I thought it is just me, I believed everything he told me and that Im the cause of all the problems and misery. We'd been having rows all week and they all added up to one conclusion in my head - I have to die! Everyone will be ok then, no one will worry anymore, everyone will be happy cause im the problem and i will have gone. Im going to finish this later cause hes getting up - on a night shift tonight. - Im just hoping starting this new diary will help me, I need to be honest with myself mostly and seeing in writing may make more sense. x
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Post by winegirl on Sept 3, 2008 12:45:14 GMT
Hi Bean
But you see everyone will not be ok. Look at how your mum and dad was, look at your kids who are all credit to you. So your OH is treating you like a bag of crap, but its only him, he is the problem here not you and its awful he ruined what was a good day for you.
Everyone around you loves you and thinks the world of you. Just look at how happy you made your mum this weekend!
You are needed and loved and need to remember that. You need to get better for you and for the people around you.
Here for you
WG xx
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Post by gizmoracer on Sept 3, 2008 13:41:30 GMT
I totally understand what you are saying and how you felt and maybe still do. Like WG said its NOT the answer and everything will NOT be ok. I have been there so many times in the past its unreal. My last time did actually lead to complete panic, my husband had to send the police out looking for me (they had 9 patrols just looking for me) and when they found me no-one told him if they had found me or my body. The police brought me home and my parents were there helping to amuse the kids. My hubby and Dad were in pieces my Mum was only just holding it together and the kids were so worried about me that they wouldn't let me out of their sight for weeks. (They had only been told I took a wrong turn and got lost).
No matter how bad things get now I swear I will never try that again. I know its hard but leaving it all behind is not the answer. Keep talking on here though as it does help.
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Post by bean on Sept 3, 2008 21:02:10 GMT
I know its not the answer and when i left, i was walking down street and kept seeing them in their beds when I kissed them and told them I lvoed them, this is what made me stop at a friends whose light was on. I told her how I felt and we had coffee and a chat, I promised her I would go straight home and did, r was asleep with Martha on settee so I put her to bed and went myself. Couldnt sleep for hours, so wanted to s/h but didnt at the same time and kept telling myself "You dont have to do it" anyway it must have worked cause slept in he end. Things have been strained and I was stressed out yesterday, first day back at school and chaos, took joe to wrong teacher but didnt know until after, works still going on so everyone in small playground (panic stations), when I got home my support worker came and looked at my side where the stitches have been taken out, it was bleeding and needed re-stripping so I asked if she could help and got the 1st aid kit, just about to start when my mum and dad came, i nearly had a heart attack I just put marthas blanket over and Chris gave me the blanket saying m had been sick. I dont think they saw but i felt really jittery. Then I had to go to my meeting, R came home early so I could have car, SPN said they just needed 5 mins without me but was waiting half an hour and was so wound up then SPN, Psychiatrist, 2 support workers, health worker and some stranger taking minutes sat there. SPN said there were concerns over my abusing medication, wine and dope sometimes and asked me to talk to shrink about how many meds i was actually taking, everyone was sat watching me and I thought my head would explode, I started shaking from inside out and just stood up and said I couldnt do it - apologised and walked out, I was panicking so much I just waited outside wondering what to do, my health worker and spn talked me into going back but everyone else would leave apart from my shrink and spn. I calmed down and talked honestly to them, I told them what id wanted to do the other night and why i didnt. They told me noone had any concerns over kids and they were all happy. I was there for ages, got bit off my chest and they were ok. She agreed for me to increase meds to 200mg but looked miffed that my doctor had given me more zopiclone. I think she'll make sure i dont get any more. Anyway lot of thinking last night, didnt sleep again, street had a blackout and all the alarms kept going off, martha feeding like mad and Im just drained, need to remember to eat more. Last night i thought I cant bear this any more i feel like ill be like this forever, but i NEED to get well, i dont know what the answer is but ive got to keep fighting, this cant be it. I decided i will definately start my writing about childhood for therapist before next appt, even if i dont do it all, something will help im sure. Feeling completely flat after yesterday and rang supporter for talk, she told me what had been talked about and they dont want me getting any more off the rails cause they dont want anymore agencies involved cause kids are all ok and it would do me more harm, they think im a great mum but struggling to cope. I rang my friend to go to school together and thought about a plan, chill out then tea, bath, messing about then d and j went to bed, did ironing (really wantedto iron arm but didnt) then was feeding martha and talking to friend on phone when R came home, hes worried about me cause i told him today just how bad id got the other night, so hes booked a week off work to give me more support. I hope it works. Brought some rose from a friend at work to cheer me up. Ive had a bath and meds and need to get to bed soon cause absolutely knackered. phew - guess i needed to get that off my chest!!!! IM GOING TO BEAT THIS B*****D OF AN ILLNESS...
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Post by chica on Sept 4, 2008 8:27:10 GMT
Just want to say, you sound amazing!
You have me wanting to jump up and down and shout Go Girl Go!!!! You have me all fired up now too. This bloody illness, will not beat us,!! Where are the boxing gloves!!! ;D
Sending you love and hugs Chica xx
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Post by winegirl on Sept 4, 2008 8:27:26 GMT
Thats what I want to hear Bean, YOU ARE GOING TO BEAT IT!!
Well done on last night hun, you did brilliantly! You have actually made me decide that tonight I am gonna have a relaxing bath and an early night too...
You are doing well mate, keep offloading here - we are listening x
WG xx
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Post by cazfletcher on Sept 4, 2008 9:06:52 GMT
GO BEAN!!!!!
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Post by gizmoracer on Sept 4, 2008 9:45:19 GMT
You're doing really well with resisting the s/h. Perhaps it would be an idea to keep a record of how many times you have wanted to but haven't gone through with it. Maybe done over a week at a time so you can look back at it and see how much stronger you are getting.
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Post by bean on Sept 4, 2008 15:50:30 GMT
That sounds like a good idea, cause I know i will struggle to contain these urges, Im trying to tell myself that its good I dont s/h when i want to but then forget. Feeling like ive been in a car crash today, i ache all over I think its cause I was so tense the other day at the meeting.
Ive tried ringing all support today, but no-one about, SPN cant see me this week and said he'll ring next week with appointment. Im trying to do the right thing and use the support I have so I dont get desperate, I can only use them if they are about though.
R has been ok today, I got ready and washed hair, was going to go shopping but really didnt want to face supermarket so he went for me (i know I shouldnt rely on him but I needed to today).
My stitches really itching I think I have to get them out tomorrow, been feeling all the fat on my stomach and thought about cutting through and pulling it out (gross I know - that is the warped brain I have). I think its easier to resist harming when R is home which I think is why hes taken time off. I wish he'd stop calling it "carving myself up"though. Ive been told not to beat myself up when I do slip up especially at the moment cause its tough doing the therapy, easier said then done though cause im "the queen of beating myself up" apparently.
One day at a time I know, today its been one hour at a time but if thats how to get through this, thats what I have to do. I wonder if this urge will ever truely go, will I ever think Im an ok person and learn to like myself?
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Post by monica on Sept 4, 2008 18:00:41 GMT
Hi
GO GIRL! This illness is pants and your positiviity is inspiring and you will beat it! Glad r is helping out. I thnk beatyourself up about things is part and parcel of this illness but try not to do it. Recovery from PNI is rarely straight forward and there will be blips but you will get there.
Take care
Monica
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Post by bean on Sept 4, 2008 19:29:33 GMT
Urges back - went upstairs shaking after ironing - didnt s/h - it is so hard. I want to do this but im scared that stopping cold turkey way will build up more - its happened lots like that before. Im going to distract myself by downloading my photos from Dads party - just found video on phone of mum singing Shirley Bassey which made me laugh. Going to have meds soon and try to settle.
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Post by monica on Sept 4, 2008 20:09:39 GMT
Hi
forgot to add glad your dad's party went well and you saw had a good time - those good times will become more frequent. Well done on not S/H - you're doing so well. Really - it can't be easy so you should be really proud of yourself. Is R around for a natter or a cuddle? Hope you have a good night!
Love
monica
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Post by winegirl on Sept 4, 2008 20:21:23 GMT
Hi Bean
You are doing great hun - just nicely tire yourself out and get yourself off to bed when you have finished sorting your photos and then you will have done another night!! You are doing great and we are ALL behind you xxx
Take Care
WG xx
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Post by bean on Sept 11, 2008 20:37:41 GMT
Hi, Im back Internet been off since big power cut on Sat. Struggling like mad to not harm, saw Therapist Monday and had managed to write something I needed to but didnt have time to do it cause she wanted to know my feelings on the meeting last week. Told her Id walked out and how id felt, got some talking done, but not what I really wanted, dont know if I can do it anyway. Came home and head completely up my arse. Really wanted to harm at bedtime Id had enough and just sat and wrote, this just came out and stopped me harming:-
Why do the words mean so much Why am I so afraid To say out loud what has happened to me In the hope I can be saved Being haunted by these visions Is what I want to stop To be free from all my demons To be able to rest my thoughts To learn to love myself again For the fight inside to be fought But will it happen like I hope Will it air out loud or stick in my throat And if I CAN do this Will it mean peace to me Will I be able to accept who I am And what has happened to me Will the visions and feelings fade and go Or will they open more holes In my memories packed away in my head And come to haunt me some more I know its a risk but I have to try Can't give in and accept this is life Cause I want to be happy To move on and live Be who I was meant to be To tell all these things is the worst thing I know But if I can, then maybe, I can be set free.
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Post by cazfletcher on Sept 11, 2008 20:43:57 GMT
aw hun thats beautiful, so well written. please read it back to yourself next time you feel like harming, it might work for you that way. keep at it if it makes you feel safer just keep typing stuff
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